Pls Halp I Like Terrible Cars

"ethan drives dumb cars" (helloroad)
10/03/2017 at 14:40 • Filed to: mercury, mercury topaz, topaz, craigslist

My daily craigslist search for stupid cars has turned up this lovely creature—a midnight blue 1985 Mercury Topaz for the low, low price of $600. Why do I want this so badly?

It’s $600, what could go wrong

This Topaz features the 2.3 HSC motor, which churned out a staggering 90 horsepower when new. It also features the 3-speed slushbox which is sure to sap half of those horses.

Mercury Slooooowpaz.

I can see few redeemable qualities of this car, yet my uncontrollable nostalgia for 1980s utilitarian econoboxes is at it’s height.

Any reason why I shouldn’t ignore my inner voice reminding me that I’m becoming a hoarder of terrible cars?

DISCUSSION (31)

Steve in Manhattan > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:46

Just from the way it sits I think you’re in for front end work - either undersized tires or it’s ridin’ high.

benjrblant > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:46

Any reason why I shouldn’t ignore my inner voice reminding me that I’m becoming a hoarder of terrible cars?

If you’re looking for someone to talk you out of terrible ideas and stupid car purchases, you’re in the wrong place pal.

PartyPooper2012 > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:48

Help is here:

Would this lady get in THAT car?

Kinja'd!!!

The answer is no, Ethan. The answer is NO!

Get a car this lady would get into!

WilliamsSW > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:49

JFC I think I owned this car 25 years ago. It was effing identical except it was light blue. DON’T DO IT. It’s not even actually an econobox - it’s just crud.

I’ve owned 12 cars in my life - this one was unquestionably the most boring of all of them - and I’m including a Dodge Dart and Ford Taurus in that fleet.

Just STAHP.

For Sweden > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:50

they’re good cars ethan

WilliamsSW > benjrblant
10/03/2017 at 14:50

No, people come here saying they want to be talked out of bad ideas but what they really mean is that they’re looking for us to reinforce those bad decisions.

We usually come through - we’re reliable that way.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:52

The only use I could think of for this car would be where I needed a car that was disposable, like to prank someone or deliberately crash it or I’m not sure what.

Aremmes > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:52

That would only make sense if you intend to race it in the LeMons series, and the seller asks too much even for that.

Stapleface > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:53

Those cars were not good, at all. There’s a reason they pretty much don’t exist on roads anymore. They do nothing well. It’s Malaise Era engineering at its worst.

ethan drives dumb cars > PartyPooper2012
10/03/2017 at 14:55

So you’re saying maybe I should opt for the more luxurious and opulent Mercury Mystique?

diplodicus > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:56

I thought I had a hoopty addiction but this is a whole new level of terrible decisions.

PartyPooper2012 > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:58

Bite the bullet and get a Countach

Kinja'd!!!

I am not saying you need to get the authentic version. A Pontiac Fiero with a body kid will do. That nice lady probably has a few fakes about her too. Nails aren’t that color for real. Hairs aren’t that color for real.

You can get away with a Fiero and a body kit.

You can also try for the real thing that might need a little paint touched up.

fintail > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 14:58

Blue plates, nice.

Back in the day, my mom had an 85 Tempo GLX (sedan) in a similar blue. When it finally left the family in 1999, it had 190K on it, must be a record.

You’d have to be in it for love, it will never be worth a lot, and you’ll be mocked for saving it.

BritishLeyland™ > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:00

Well, according to Uncle Scrooge it’s a drivers car designed from the wheels up.

ethan drives dumb cars > WilliamsSW
10/03/2017 at 15:04

Good (or bad) news, this car is no longer on craigslist. I’ll start a new search for a Lynx LN7

CobraJoe > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:06

I’ve often wondered what those 2 door versions would look like set up on a gasser frame.

ethan drives dumb cars > diplodicus
10/03/2017 at 15:07

My most recent purchases are a ‘74 Datsun B210 and a ‘86 Stanza Wagon. So yes I may have a problem

WilliamsSW > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:08

Torch made this car’s sibling (Tempo) a Meh Car Monday. They’re just boring as hell. There’s literally nothing interesting about them.

ethan drives dumb cars > Aremmes
10/03/2017 at 15:10

I was thinking maybe Gambler 500. But this car is likely only capable of the Gambler 5.

ethan drives dumb cars > For Sweden
10/03/2017 at 15:11

is this real life?

ethan drives dumb cars > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
10/03/2017 at 15:12

All very good uses for a Topaz.

ethan drives dumb cars > Stapleface
10/03/2017 at 15:13

Agree—though for some reason I have the masochistic urge to experience this.

ethan drives dumb cars > BritishLeyland™
10/03/2017 at 15:14

Ha! It looked like he struggled to praise the car with a straight face.

shop-teacher > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:23

That’d be a good Gambler (for Gambler 500 road rallies).

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:24

I only like terrible cars if it has a manual!

ethan drives dumb cars > shop-teacher
10/03/2017 at 15:26

This is exactly what I was thinking.

For Sweden > PartyPooper2012
10/03/2017 at 15:27

Why should I base my life on women who apparently make poor decisions?

shop-teacher > ethan drives dumb cars
10/03/2017 at 15:28

I ran the Illinois one this weekend. I’m now completely obsessed with it, and am going through withdrawals. I’d offer $350, and be willing to pay $400.

PartyPooper2012 > For Sweden
10/04/2017 at 08:12

If you had the choice and you choose Topaz over Charlize Theron, you are making poor life decisions.

Of course, Charlize Theron is not a choice on our menu, so perhaps Topaz is the answer, but I am not talking about Charlize personally. I am talking about elegant women with class. They would not get into a car like Topaz. Topaz is never the answer. Not Ever!

For Sweden > PartyPooper2012
10/04/2017 at 22:28

If they are elegant and classy they will like the Topaz.

PartyPooper2012 > For Sweden
10/05/2017 at 07:36

let’s agree to disagree.

I am an elegant and classy man and I wouldn’t be caught dead in that thing.

P.S. If you see my corpse inside Topaz, please drag it out. Thanks