Oppo Car Parenting Advice Needed

"ImmoralMinority" (araimondo) 01/13/2017 at 16:12 • Filed to: None

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My son is about to turn 16. He fell in love with old cars at 14 when I taught him to drive the Sunchaser around the parking lot at my office.

We had a deal that if he kept his grades up and his behavior good, I would match what he saved and would help him find a car. He blew that up in spectacular fashion on all fronts. As a result, he did not even get a learner’s permit, much less a car. As an enthusiast dad, it broke my heart because I want to see him experience first car love (and find out that old cars are better for the soul than they are for the wallet or your sanity).

In recent times, he seems to be trying hard to turn it around, and has improved on all fronts. So I started looking at cars. I found a nice 93 Acura Legend for a great price, but he doesn’t want it.

I got annoyed. At his age, I wanted ANY car. I got lucky with my first one, but he should be thrilled that I am considering anything.

Then again...

I encouraged him towards cars. Can I blame him for wanting to hold out for a car that speaks to his heart?

CB > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:14

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Let him find what he wants is what I’d recommend. Don’t force anything on him.

S65 > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:14

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Buy him an old MG

Bytemite > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:16

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You’re an awesome dad! Have you asked him what cars he likes in his budget?

Also, I would maybe think of doing more than matching if all that gets him is a $2000 car. Not too many desirable options there.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:17

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I was STOKED to get an old Honda when I was 16 even though I wanted a MKII Supra. I think my parents bought me it to keep me from buying the A60, which was stupid on their part. That Honda was low mileage and old - something I know now is the worst combination of factors in any used car other than Chrysler/anything else. The thing broke down constantly. Kind of wish they didn’t buy me it because then I’d have a rapidly appreciating A60, but either way it was a car.

Chariotoflove > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:18

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Don’t project yourself on him. It’s so easy to do, but will drive him away. Drop it and let him come to you when he’s ready. What you share will mean much more that way.

TheHondaBro > CB 01/13/2017 at 16:18

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Counterpoint: I wanted a TT but was forced into my Accord, yet I still fell in love with it.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > S65 01/13/2017 at 16:18

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We all know that’s the safest car in the world. He’ll never get it on the road to have an accident in the first place.

vicali > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:19

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Haha, when I turned 16 my grandparents gave my brother and I a 81 olds Toronado.. I wanted nothing to do with it and bought a 4x4 asap.. What a brat.

Let him figure it out. He’ll get tired of walking/biking on his own..

e36Jeff now drives a ZHP > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:20

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an old e30. everyone should be able to fall in love with one and everyone should drive one at some point in their lives.

AbsintheMinded: NeonHeatDreams > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:20

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Yeah, I would help him find what speaks to him. Don’t force it.

I was fortunate to have a dad who is an enthusiast, and who also wanted me to have something fun. I found an ‘88 S15 Blazer with the V6 and was happy. Plenty of room to haul my skate stuff, drum sets and such.

Eventually, he and I did a 350 swap. I took it out once, scared the literal poop out of myself and sold it 3 days later. That is a tale for another day though...

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > TheHondaBro 01/13/2017 at 16:20

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I probably would have fell in love with my Del Sol if it wasn’t constantly breaking down on me. Instead I really wish I just bought an A60 anyway.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:20

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Ehh no. It’s a first car. I’d give him some choice in what he wants, but at the end of the day it’s a first car. He needs to learn to take care of something he doesn’t necessarily love. I guess.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:21

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Let him take his time and ask for a car.

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:23

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Obligatory.

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:24

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Could be worse. I was the single most spoiled, picky kid in the world when it came to my car. But yeah, within reason, let him pick. My parents set boundaries, but within those boundaries I was the one who picked my car.

TheRealBicycleBuck > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:25

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While I will take into account their wants, my kids will get either hand-me-downs or cars that I pick for them.

As an aside, my wife and I have a policy of not posting our kids’ pictures anywhere without letting them know what we are posting and where. Once posted, the pictures are out there forever and there’s always a (very small) chance that one of them will become a meme or a bigger chance that facial recognition software will pick them up. I’d hate to post my own pic on facebook and have it alert me that an embarrassing photo from my teenage years just showed up in someone else’s feed.

I cringe when I see other people post pictures of themselves or their kids, especially in compromising situations. Of course, some of the funniest pictures of my wife’s cousin were when she was drunk at a wedding. For some reason, she decided to post them herself.

Wacko > TheHondaBro 01/13/2017 at 16:31

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Then you would of been know as the Audi Bro

jimz > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:31

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n/m I misread a few things.

ttyymmnn > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:32

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Does he play upright bass too? He’ll need something it will fit in, though I know a guy who hauls his bass in a Matrix.

If you’re matching his money, then there is a possible lesson that beggars can’t be choosers. I didn’t own my first car until I went to grad school out of state. I drove my dad’s car. And even then, I had to make payments to my dad, though he let me slide a couple of times when money was right

On the other hand, if you want him to be excited about it, find out what he has in mind. Maybe you guys can meet somewhere in the middle.

Wacko > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:35

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I didn’t choose my first car, it was my parents that gave me their old car. It was a 1985 Sentra wagon with a manual and a Sunroof.

it was 1995 and I was 16 and was the only one in my class with a car.

Note most of my cars after that where mostly hatches and wagons.

Start him off with a Manual and he will be set for life.

SVTyler > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:38

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If he wants something beyond what you’re willing to give him then make him pay for (at least some of) it, he’d be far more invested in it than whatever he thinks you’re ‘forcing’ on him. Case in point, me and my brother. I borrowed some money from my parents to get my Focus and paid for the rest and am so invested in it it’s probably emotionally unhealthy, while my brother got a very nice, completely free 1997 Oldsmobile Cutlass (which isn’t a joke, it’s a solid car) and has trashed the thing in two years: crashed it twice that we know of, ignored warning lights and signs which led to further issues, openly bitches about how crappy it is, etc, which understandably has pissed off both me and my parents. Anyways, your kid will probably be driving the car for the next 5+ years, might as well let him get something (within reason) he doesn’t totally hate, which in turn will hopefully ensure he takes care of the car during that time.

Under_Score > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:38

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The AWD Sienna?

Tazio, Count Fouroff > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:42

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Hopefully this may be of help, too...

Just fought a similar battle with a 16 y/o, specifically over stick vs auto in Nov.

I’m so glad now to have swallowed my principles / pride and to have given in to an auto...if it had been stick at my insistence he would’ve resented it and hated me every time he even thought about the car.

As it is, he’s already taught himself to shift it manually with the paddles (because “not as boring”) and actually seems curious about / interested in learning stick sometime soon, miracles and hallelujahs

Plus turns out there’re huge advantages in the kid feeling some ownership in the car even just input into its selection. He’s actually extremely particular with it (!)

So it turns out with our kid, the more ways he’s invested the better for all concerned. There’s more but that would be a separate thread, maybe time to request authorship!!

Closing...really, really important; scary how close I came to not learning in time with his two eldest brothers. I’m so glad now to have listened to the little inner voice of instinct / judgement about what was wise or unwise as far as car access and freedom went, and what they were truly able or not able to handle, and insisted on going with my gut under huge pressure from the kids, even my spouse and, God help me people in the community, to do otherwise...time and hindsight showed the gut was *spot on* (thank God!)

Honeybunchesofgoats > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 16:50

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Not having my own kids, I can only offer the following experience:

My brother is a huge gear head, to an unhealthy degree. When my niece, his oldest, turned 16, it was basically the biggest milestone in the world as far as he was concerned. It was a huge deal to him to finally have a kid old enough to drive. So he bought her a Talon TSi. She hated how it looked, and complained incessantly about it being a manual. So he bought her some other thing that I can’t recall. She totaled it after she claimed she ran over a tire in the road. So he bought her another thing. Then she got pulled over and arrested after the police found not an insignicant amount of heroin in their car.

He didn’t buy her a fourth car, because he couldn’t even sell the last one, becaus every inch of it has cigarette burns in it.

I’m sure your son isn’t even slightly at all like this, because my niece is literally the worst person in the world, but witnessing that has put me firmly in the “you’re young and you’ll take whatever free crap car I give you” camp.

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > vicali 01/13/2017 at 17:01

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I ended up my grandparents Olds Cutlass Ciera (82) in the late nineties in high school, I simply embraced the road sofa as it was free and was generally my only non walking option unless I was willing to front the cash.

Klaus Schmoll > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:05

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Beggars can’t be choosers! Your money = your rules. If he wants to look a gift horse in the mouth, so be it.

Much like virginity, the “first car” thing is overrated anyway. When I got my license ($$$$$ in Europe) I paid half of it through summer jobs, and my parents paid the other half. They wanted me to drive something safe, so I could borrow one of their cars (they had first dibs obviously, but were willing to compromise if possible) as long as I put some gas in it from time to time.

When my stepdad got his first company car, I got his high-mileage former commuter Mazda as it wasn’t worth selling it. They even kept it insured in his name and paid for that, so all I had to pay for was maintenance and fuel.

The next car was in my name, and I had to pay for everything.

Call it a gradual passing into responsible car ownership.

vicali > Phyrxes once again has a wagon! 01/13/2017 at 17:06

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So you took the high road instead..

CaptDale - is secretly British > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:08

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Look, seeing as I was there not too long ago, I get it. I joked with my Dad when he said he would get me a Metro that I would rather walk. Though a joke I was half serious. I have been into cars for as long as I can remember and I didn’t want to drive around or call something like that mine. It doesn’t help that my Mother always had money so we had interesting cars and my Mom always wants something special and different and I have picked that up. That side of my family has always had expensive tastes and we do expensive things. Where my Dad (parents divorced) never had a lot of extra money, we always had off road trucks and toys to go camping and such so those were fun and interesting. So when I got my permit and license I had my Mom’s Escalade EXT to drive and then my Dad got a beat up ‘85 Suburban Diesel for me to drive. I didn’t like it much, but I got 33s and off road wheels and I was content till it got stolen out of my school’s parking lot. Well Dad asked what I wanted to replace it given it was in budget. I wanted to carry friends, have a manual, and go offroading. Since offroading was a big deal for me, I found an ‘87 Jeep Wrangler that had issues, but they are cheap and easy to work on. I absolutely loved that car and eventually remodeled a bathroom for my dad to buy him out of it and it was all mine! It is the car with the most fond memories of any car I have owned. I know you maybe be upset with his decision to say no to that, but if he is putting his money into it, then he should get to say yes or no, but you are too so you do as well. You’ll have to find something he wants and you can feel he’ll be safe in and able to afford fixing. I know my Jeep had a host of issues, but even working summers in HS I could keep enough money around to fix it.

I have an entire album on my FB dedicated to just pictures of my Jeep because I love it so much. I hate everyday I think about having sold her. That is what you should want for your son as well. His first car should ignite his passion for cars and working on them and loving them like no other car will.

Said Jeep:

The day I got her

Driving my Dad up to his wedding

Driving around with friends in HS

Just a nice drive out

Just before I sold her

Phyrxes once again has a wagon! > vicali 01/13/2017 at 17:10

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As I wanted to have spending money at college and a car at college it was the only choice. That thing was so maddening to work on though, stupid parts bin special.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:16

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I saved up and paid for my first car in my 5th year of university, so it was my choice to make. I wasn’t overly picky....this would’ve been around 2008, so I remember I wanted basically anything with a manual that was fairly well-regarded in terms of reliability.

The main car, if memory serves, that I was looking at was the facelifted last-gen Mazda Protege (I especially wanted a Protege5 with a stickshift!). Dead reliable, though their bodies rust.

I stumbled onto my 2002 Subaru Impreza 2.5TS by accident and it was love at first sight. I had to get a friend to test drive it as I had only had a few standard trans-lessons by then and my first REAL stick-driving experience was driving that Subie home from the garage in the middle of rush-hour traffic in the evening....talk about do-or-die, haha! :)

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:35

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Minivan

Please don’t take this seriously

shop-teacher > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:42

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I like that you’re offering to match his savings instead of just buying it outright. I feel strongly that it’s important for kids to have some skin in the game. Along the same lines, you should let him find his own car, and just steer him away from cars you don’t feel comfortable with him owning (whatever that criteria may be for you).

OPPOsaurus WRX > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:45

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Get an early explorer. 10 billion made so they are cheap and parts are everywhere. they are steel boxes so when he fucks up I total the Dodge intrepid and not my face.

John Norris (AngryDrifter) > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 17:53

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He needs to pick it, he needs to buy it, he needs to pay for it, he needs to fix it, all when he’s ready. You need to help on any front required, but with restraint. All of the”he”’s above are educational elements and the education should not be delayed or overly diminished by your enthusiast Dad desires.

wkiernan > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 19:56

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You only get to choose the car when you pay for the car. Buy him a Corolla.

MM54 > ImmoralMinority 01/13/2017 at 21:42

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The matched savings thing is 100% the way to go. Unless and until he asks for help looking for something, let him peruse craigslist and the newspaper (there are still some neat cars for sale in the paper sometimes!) and provide guidance, but I wouldn’t recommend trying to steer him in one direction or another (exception is if he asks you to help find something, obviously you then find stuff you think is cool).

In the end, the money is 50/50 so you’ll have to agree on something. It’s his car, so I’d let him decide stylistically what it is (old, new, rusty, manual, auto, RWD, wrongWD, etc) and as parent play the role of “this needs to be moderately reliable and insurable.”

Just my 2 cents. I don’t have kids or anything.