Nothing Says, "I'm Getting Laid," Quite Like a Brand New Minivan

"Wobbles the Mind" (wobblesthemind) 01/18/2017 at 06:50 • Filed to: Thoughts

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I mean when you really think about it, there is no other vehicle in the US that lets people know you’re wild-thing’n every Thursday night the way a brand new minivan does. Luxury wagon, that’s for DINK households that work too much. Three-row SUV, fast track to alimony city. But a new minivan broadcasts that you are effective, efficient, active, confident, a team builder, and place the needs of others before yourself. You’re the template for what every resume calls for, but how much more success is left to obtain after a brand new minivan?

We should all strive to be so amassed in the unbridled sexy radiance that life rewards onto those with the privelege to own a brand new minivan. Minivans, the only vehicles always at the pump, and I’m not talkin’ gas stations. Sho’ you right!

CalzoneGolem > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 06:53

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Meanwhile, at the gas station of love, Wobbles the Mind has to use the self service pump.

jimz > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 06:55

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if you care at all whether you can convince people you’re getting laid, you’re probably not even old enough to drive yet.

Wobbles the Mind > CalzoneGolem 01/18/2017 at 06:57

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I’m a PHEV by nature, my fetishes are vast and frightening.

Wobbles the Mind > jimz 01/18/2017 at 07:00

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Driving is not an age but a test, and I know none more tested than myself! Wait a second...

f86sabre > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:10

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The fact that you need a minivan does imply that you have gotten your freak on enough to require the additional space. One does not get knocked up without bumping uglies.

CalzoneGolem > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:13

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Grr baby! Very grr!

Wacko > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:14

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More like used to get it on

CalzoneGolem > jimz 01/18/2017 at 07:14

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He’s too highly medicated to get his license.

Wobbles the Mind > f86sabre 01/18/2017 at 07:16

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Glad someone understands my logic!

shop-teacher > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:17

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Hahaha!

Nope. I’ll just leave this classic right here.

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/the-limits-of-human-stupidity-divorce-and-minivans-1688769030

Wobbles the Mind > CalzoneGolem 01/18/2017 at 07:21

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Who told you that?! Was it Richard?!! That Dick...

CalzoneGolem > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:24

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Shh. Hush now. No, the dog didn’t tell me anything. You know he doesn’t have the ability to speak. We’ve talked about this ...

LongbowMkII > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:25

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No one thinks it’s sexy to get laid based on the ovulation cycle.

random001 > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:27

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BWAHAHAHAHA!

Frenchlicker > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:28

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I fucking love minivans, honestly. I would love to be able to justify a new one.

random001 > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:28

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That said, I quite like the style of the new Pacifica. Too bad it’s an FCA product. Lease, only, people.

Wobbles the Mind > LongbowMkII 01/18/2017 at 07:29

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Well the Atkinson Cycle would be more efficient but not many are setup for it.

kiwi_matt > f86sabre 01/18/2017 at 07:40

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Well you could be raising someone else’s kids, lots of men get suckered into that.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 07:52

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Remember, condoms prevent minivans.

Wobbles the Mind > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 01/18/2017 at 07:54

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Well in order to bear more we must go bare more!

DipodomysDeserti > f86sabre 01/18/2017 at 07:55

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It also implies a lack of creativity both in bedroom routine and car buying. You gotta mix it up at least a few days a month or you end up with a van full of kids.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 08:00

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Do we really need more people on this planet?

Wobbles the Mind > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 01/18/2017 at 08:01

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Why not, I’ll be living on Mars by the time I retire.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 08:12

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Sure. Follow your dreams.

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 08:14

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Nothing says “I was getting laid” better than a brand-new minivan.

From what I understand the romping doesn’t continue unabated...

FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com > Frenchlicker 01/18/2017 at 08:48

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The biggest problem with a new one, besides maybe the Honda is that the resale values on them just tank. Probably has to do with worries that kids destroyed them, but I’m seeing 2015 Sienna XLE’s advertised locally for $25k that stickered new for $37k+. And the incentives on new ones aren’t great either. 

Frenchlicker > FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com 01/18/2017 at 08:52

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I’m not really concerned with resale value as long as I long a vehicle. Buy in price is the kicker for me though. It is kind of crazy anymore.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 08:54

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“Can we just get over the minivan stigma? You could fill the Suez Canal with all the gasoline wasted because suburban breeders — afraid that a minivan would make them look like, well, exactly what they are — opted instead for three tons of big ugly SUV. Look, the cultural code of minivans is confused. Minivans are sexy. If nothing else, they are proof positive that you have had successful and productive congress with the opposite sex. Can you say as much for a Corvette? I don’t think so.”

-Dan Neil, LA Times “Married With Children?” 5/17/06

http://articles.latimes.com/2006/may/17/autos/hy-neil17

FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com > Frenchlicker 01/18/2017 at 09:28

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The Pacifica is actually priced pretty decently. Starts under $30k, though it looks pretty cheap without the LED’s. I’m guessing in a few years after the newness wears off there will be pretty decent incentives on the higher trims too.

Frenchlicker > FTTOHG Has Moved to https://opposite-lock.com 01/18/2017 at 09:31

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I’m hoping so, if life goes somewhat according to plan I’ll be able to buy one right before it is due for a refresh.

VonBootWilly - Likes Toyota, but it's still complicated. > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 09:47

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Actually minivans are just vehicles that prove there’s life after insecurity. Most minivan owners not only don’t care what their minivan says to image sensitives. A lot of people who drive them actually own more than one car, and don’t care that you don’t know that.

Flynorcal: pilot, offshore sailor, car racer and panty thief > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 09:57

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There’s even enough room in the back to make the kid.

jimz > PotbellyJoe and 42 others 01/18/2017 at 09:59

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Neil is a hack.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > jimz 01/18/2017 at 10:17

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That’s your opinion. I like his writing.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > DipodomysDeserti 01/18/2017 at 10:23

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What’s wrong with 10 minutes of disappointing missionary position every other week?

jimz > PotbellyJoe and 42 others 01/18/2017 at 10:31

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oh, he’s a good writer. I just don’t see him as an actual car guy.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > jimz 01/18/2017 at 10:38

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I don’t know about that. I think he’s much more into cars, but also has to be aware of who he writes to/for. LA Times and the WSJ don’t exactly have enthusiast drivers as a priority for marketing. He’s going to review the cars that the demos are going to buy, or at least be interested in.

jimz > PotbellyJoe and 42 others 01/18/2017 at 10:41

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that’s a good point.

TheHondaBro > LongbowMkII 01/18/2017 at 10:48

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Get a bumper sticker that says “I miscalculated!”

yamahog > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 11:12

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DINK households have at least two fun cars, a tow vehicle, a winter DD, and at least one motorcycle.

Wobbles the Mind > yamahog 01/18/2017 at 11:26

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That’s the dream, I’m still just a SINK.

Stephenson Valve Gear > yamahog 01/18/2017 at 11:56

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Hmmm... let’s see... my tow vehicle and winter DD are the same, so we can check that off. My wife has the Yaris as her DD - doesn’t really count as a fun car, although she likes it, so I don’t know where that fits in. Then I have the Mustang as a fun/road trip vehicle, so that checks off one of the fun cars. And I do keep one motorcycle in the stable. So, it really looks like the addition of another “fun car” would complete the DINK package for us. I’ll get right on that... :D

RallyWrench > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 13:54

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I think you mean “I got laid”, past tense. And a new minivan? No way man, I will not spend $40 on a van. Single income/two kids families can’t afford shit like that. $10k/100k mile used Sienna all day.

Collin > Wobbles the Mind 01/18/2017 at 15:50

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Many married men envy you and the lack of random stuff that shows up at your door every few days “because we need it for the house.” And the fact that you get a whole bed to yourself.

Sweet Trav > yamahog 01/19/2017 at 10:16

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We ’ re almost there. We just need a winter DD for you to replace Big Red

Ideally, id like both of us to have 2 fun cars, one classic one modern. You get a Cougar, I get a 1st Gen CTS-V