2016 Jalopnik Batshit Bae Contestants Results

"McMike" (mcmike) 01/03/2017 at 17:09 • Filed to: batshitbaes2016

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Too lazy to make another post, here are your results.

Looks like Miss Thirteen came in first overall, and first in class.

Mr Seven came in third (tied) overall, and first in class.

Happy New Year. 

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Miss Two

Mr Three

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Miss Five

Miss Six

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Miss Eight

Miss Nine

Miss Ten

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Miss Twelve

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Back in (checks date of Miss 13's story) July, I grew bored of hosting this thing. I thought that changing it up to include all genders of batshit would make it fresh, and it would no longer be boring.

Nope.

Every December for the last five years, I hosted elimination rounds, voting rounds, and posted statistics to try to crown a winner by the end of the year.

Over the years, while voting remained high, participation has dwindled. The front page also lost interest along the way posting these types of crazy stories, which resulted is having to search other Gawker Gizmodo sties in order to come up with the 12 required for a pageant.

This year, in place of creating new posts for elimination and voting rounds, this is all I’m doing. I’m just reposting this single post I have been using this year to track the contestants, and adding a poll. Just vote your your favorite.

I would to thank all the contestants that have participated over the years, and all that have voted. We couldn’t have had these without either of you.

So please enjoy the first (and last) co-ed Batshit Bae pageant.

Happy New Year, Oppo.

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TheHondaBro > McMike 02/12/2016 at 17:28

3

Is Steve Harvey hosting this one?

MonkeePuzzle > McMike 02/12/2016 at 17:30

4

I vote for miss 1.

....so far

McMike > MonkeePuzzle 02/12/2016 at 17:35

2

I’m not sure polldaddy will let me me create a poll with less than two choices.

You’ll have to wait for at least one more.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > McMike 02/12/2016 at 18:40

7

SP23 > McMike 02/12/2016 at 19:03

1

You’re welcome.

The Transporter > SP23 02/12/2016 at 20:03

3

The second pic was probably the assault rifle in question.

Verdog ~ manual Bro, Bro - HellHawk Equipped > SP23 02/12/2016 at 20:28

1

DAMN TOOFESES.

SP23 > The Transporter 02/13/2016 at 00:08

0

That’s probably the clip from the assault rifle hanging from her neck in the first pic.

The Transporter > SP23 02/13/2016 at 00:22

4

No, I believe that’s the shoulder thing that goes up.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > The Transporter 03/03/2016 at 18:44

1

You’re wrong, that’s the bayonet mount.

RazoE > Verdog ~ manual Bro, Bro - HellHawk Equipped 03/03/2016 at 19:17

1

*teef

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > McMike 03/03/2016 at 19:40

0

I saw the updated mugshot on #2 and was wondering what's up. Then I read the article. Well played McMike, well played.

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > The Transporter 03/03/2016 at 19:40

2

All I can see is a Glock.

AkursedX > McMike 03/03/2016 at 20:16

0

I don’t know if I should be proud, embarrassed, or scared that both of these women are within a 1/2 hour from where I live.

 > McMike 03/07/2016 at 18:34

1

Do it.

http://lanesplitter.jalopnik.com/drunk-florida-…

McMike >  03/07/2016 at 18:55

1

Blondude > McMike 03/07/2016 at 21:02

2

“Number one’s not bad”

*clicks link*

“NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE”

Cé hé sin > McMike 03/08/2016 at 06:58

1

What about Fat Naked Woman Dancing on Truck?

McMike > Cé hé sin 03/08/2016 at 07:10

0

No charges were pressed + no name released + no mug shot = no contestant.

The Dummy Gummy > McMike 03/08/2016 at 08:28

0

I vote 1 because 2 looks too much Lena Dunham.

BigBlock440 > McMike 03/08/2016 at 08:28

2

Busy day yesterday.

That's gonna leave a mark! > Cé hé sin 03/08/2016 at 08:36

0

Do we really want a picture of that? Perhaps best forgotten and we all keep our dinner down.

nerd_racing > McMike 03/08/2016 at 08:46

0

Number 2, gotta root for the hometown gal lol

William Byrd > McMike 03/08/2016 at 10:07

1

Zoinks! Like I totally found another one Scoob Mike.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/police-ch…

Police said Turman’s current whereabouts are a mystery.

Jcarr > McMike 03/08/2016 at 10:12

0

Looks like you’re gonna be busy this year.

http://jalopnik.com/crashing-into-…

KatzManDu > McMike 03/08/2016 at 10:25

0

Best post ever for International Women’s Day!

boredalways > McMike 03/08/2016 at 10:29

11

McMike, who’s in charge of the batshit guys’ list? $kaycog?

We should have both, just for the opportunity to crown a king and queen at the end of the year.

citizennick > McMike 03/08/2016 at 10:39

0

Wow really? So do something insane and embarrassing enough and they assume punishment in a full year’s worth of memes is punishable enough. Good for her!

McMike > boredalways 03/08/2016 at 10:46

6

Like prom king and queen? I like that.

I’m not interested in hosting two pageants, but I would vote for Mr Batshit if one existed.

boredalways > McMike 03/08/2016 at 11:49

2

don’t blame ya.

besides, I think a lady jalop/oppo woman would handle it best.

shop-teacher > AkursedX 03/08/2016 at 14:01

0

#4 is within a few miles of where I work. I’m a bit scared.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > boredalways 03/08/2016 at 21:30

7

If you did a batshit guy pageant, you’d have thousands of contenders already by Thursday.

facw > citizennick 03/08/2016 at 21:36

1

There was clearly some pretty serious breakdown going on there. No reason to throw someone with a health issue in jail.

NJAnon > McMike 03/08/2016 at 21:39

0

D.A.R.E program

Matt Nichelson > McMike 03/08/2016 at 21:41

0

Oddly enough, Florida is actually tied with New York. Come on Florida, get it together.

Funktheduck > The Transporter 03/08/2016 at 21:48

0

I LOL’d

Brian, The Life of > boredalways 03/08/2016 at 21:52

1

I really like this idea. Can we have the end of the year face-off, battle of the sexes for the Batshittiest Babe/Bro so we have an overall winner, tho?

Brian, The Life of > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 03/08/2016 at 21:53

2

And that’s just Florida’s contribution!

zeontestpilot > Brian, The Life of 03/08/2016 at 21:59

0

This, so much. Who can out crazy who?

RazoE > Brian, The Life of 03/08/2016 at 22:08

0

We need a Florida bracket.

RazoE > McMike 03/08/2016 at 22:09

0

We can use this as a place-holder.

leicester > McMike 03/09/2016 at 01:20

0

Dammit, at this rate you’ll need to split the contest into two divisions. Florida and Not-Florida.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > boredalways 03/09/2016 at 21:50

0

“who’s in charge of the batshit guys’ list?”

You are!!! And you’ve been slacking!!!

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Cé hé sin 03/09/2016 at 21:52

0

That’s where my vote is going!

boredalways > McMike 06/11/2016 at 12:38

0

#12...WTF

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > boredalways 06/11/2016 at 14:50

0

Ms. Mercedes could help $kay out as well!

boredalways > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 06/11/2016 at 14:52

1

You owe McMike an apology. This is his masterpiece

boredalways > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 06/11/2016 at 14:56

2

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES BRING THAT UP AGAIN.

I speak from experience. Don’t believe me? Ask DasWato about it.

Wacko > RazoE 06/14/2016 at 10:11

0

dude, that’s called a phonebook

Azrek > McMike 07/19/2016 at 16:26

0

Do we need to do 2 different ones? One just specifically for Florida/Texas and then another for the rest of the country?

Berang > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 07/19/2016 at 16:28

0

...most of them congressmen.

(ignore the math behind this comment)

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > McMike 07/19/2016 at 17:17

0

Yep. No.13 is still cute.

Santiago of Escuderia Boricua > McMike 07/19/2016 at 21:27

0

So photogenic

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 07/21/2016 at 14:12

0

Seriously: would you consider renaming your pageant? Have a pageant for renaming the pageant? “Batshit Royalty,” perhaps?

McMike > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 07/21/2016 at 14:35

0

What’s wrong with Baes?

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 07/21/2016 at 14:37

0

I think a rebranding would be very positive. And finishing with a king and a queen is more inclusive.

McMike > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 07/21/2016 at 15:08

1

I like the king/queen idea. I have thought about how to host a unisex pagaent. So many possibilities. Not sure what I’ll do.

I also like the name “Bae” because it sounds like “babe” which was the original name of the original all-female pageant.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 07/21/2016 at 15:24

0

The original name was completely sexist. “Bae” hearkens back to that. I am suggesting a stupid contest that is not gender-specific. $kay and Xyl0 and others are completely reasonable to take issue with the name.

McMike > Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo 07/21/2016 at 16:36

0

I opened it up to both sexes mid-season, backread Jalopnik to find earlier male contestants, changed the name of the pageant to an internet slang for boyfriend/girlfriend to reflect it now being unisex.

That’s all the pageant committee will allow for this year. We will meet up again this January to discuss 2017.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 07/21/2016 at 19:13

1

I applaud the committee for the work it has done to date. The contestants are so colossally f**king stupid that they need to be recognized, and I have submitted one or two for consideration myself. Keep up the good work and thank you for being open to constructive criticism. Good Oppo!

Wacko > McMike 12/30/2016 at 12:11

0

instead of batshit king, i would go batshit bro

OPPOsaurus WRX > McMike 12/30/2016 at 12:21

1

there’s another lose for 2016

I always enjoyed this stuff.

My bird IS the word > McMike 12/30/2016 at 12:44

1

I am going to vote for miss two, since you have to be not only batshit insane to commit armed robbery, but be dumb enough to leave that shit out in the open and let the police search your car. A simple blanket and a “no, sir” would have prevented the whole incident.

punkgoose17 > McMike 12/30/2016 at 13:36

0

I am surprised this one did not make the list. http://jalopnik.com/college-student-crashes-into-cop-car-while-trying-to-se-1788304342?utm_source=taboola

McMike > punkgoose17 12/30/2016 at 13:40

0

I stopped counting in July.

E92M3 > McMike 12/30/2016 at 13:42

1

Miss 13, is a blast in bed, I guarantee it!

boredalways > McMike 12/30/2016 at 20:29

0

Sucks that co-ed didn’t work (which means that it’s my fault that Trump won also). Welp, I’m sure 2017's first contestant will be on January 1st.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 01/01/2017 at 15:33

0

[Insert vulgar infinitive] the Frontpage.

Rusty Vandura - www.tinyurl.com/keepoppo > McMike 01/01/2017 at 15:37

0

I only made it through 3.5 of these. The writing on Jalopnik is terrible !

TheHondaBro > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/01/2017 at 19:05

0

And all of them would be from Florida!

Mercedes Streeter > McMike 01/03/2017 at 17:18

1

Oooh, I like the new format!!!!

Takuro Spirit > McMike 01/03/2017 at 17:19

2

Just don’t ever stop #FiveMinutePhotoshop

MonkeePuzzle > McMike 01/03/2017 at 17:25

1

poll results prove the power of a smile

boredalways > McMike 01/03/2017 at 19:38

1

Thanks for the laughs, McMike. I guess all good things must come to an end.

Full disclosure: I voted for Mr. Seven (poop in cop car). Miss Thirteen was too easy a choice for all the wrong reasons.