TopGear MkIII's First Episode Played A Low-Risk, Low-Excitement Game

"Wheelerguy" (wheelerguy) 05/30/2016 at 23:30 • Filed to: Top Gear Mk3: The Oppositelock Review, TV Review, Top Gear, TopGear, Top Gear Mk3, Episode 1

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I will take the reins from whoever dared review today’s episode of All-New, All Different TopGear from their hands, and as such, you will see my reviews from now until the end of the season.

That said, this review isn’t really what you’d expect, because even if I use the older Grierson and Leitch format that has numbers, mine uses the numbering button. They didn’t. Their loss.

Well, there’s the ground rules. I have the one button that will release all the world’s nuclear ammunition and can aim it to all who would dissent my rule. Deal with it. Ready? Because here I go.

Here we are, after so much hoopla, watching the first episode of TopGear, which looks old and also looks new. Everybody’s ready to pile on the hate, and so was I. The opening card, however, actually looked well-made—a testament to just how amazing TopGear’s crew is. Chris Evans, however, is not amazing. In fact, he is grating. “I get chased” sounded far too forced, as if he strains to lift 300 lbs, and the rest of the opening car felt too contrived that it diminished the beauty of the editing. C+ .

But then, I’ve also dreamed of becoming lead presenter of the show. I see myself as equal parts bombastic and serious, an 18-year old unlicensed millennial with the car knowledge Sir Jackie Stewart would nod in agreement, wrapped in a package that comes with spontaneity, cussing, and and apparent lack of pop-culture references. Evans is a lot like that, save for the 18-year-old bit, but in this episode, his voice sounds too much like a child, runs around like one, and still can’t seem to make the audience go past Level 9 excitement. Fortunately, Matt LeBlanc was there, but was instantly made vestigial by Ginger Evans, who showed what a metric ton of downforce looks like and jabbed, rather awkwardly, about the catering. He regrets it. C .

The first review is the barometer for the rest of the show. If this goes well to the viewer and impressed awe for the car, then the film did its job wonderfully. In this case, Evans actually doesn’t sound like a grown child with ADHD, and more like a run-of-the-mill motoring presenter. Which might sound like a complement, until you realize that his coworkers have consistently done a much better job at this than he is. One edge he has, though, is that he actually can sound pleasant when reviewing, and he does, with enough enthusiasm to get you worked up about a car that is able to do the same job all by itself while standing still, drag-hampered top speed and Kumho tires (no, really, those Kumhos are amazing, but just imagine that ACR with Michelin Super Sport or Sport Cup 2 shoes! You might be looking at a 1.3g lateral and 4s above the 918!!!) notwithstanding. It is, however, short, and doesn’t further the hype, which is a knock against the film in my opinion.

That said, the dogfight was amazing. Project Kaiser was fully-operational that day (with a great braid, by the way), ratting out the other Achilles’ heel of the mighty C7 Z06, all while I cheered on The Ginger for wising up and braking to overshoot a pursuer, something even James May didn’t do when he ended up in a dogfight on Willow Springs. That segment went surprisingly well, and showed just how good Ralph Gilles and his team got this vestige of a bygone era against the competition, but was slightly miffed because Sabine never quite finished off Ginger to let Harris usurp the throne and saved the say, and Project Kaiser fell into the hands of Codename JoJo and pilot Ginger. Evans summed it up thusly: “Fast, agile, and once you know how to use it, absolutely devastating.” The ending is both fitting and glorious, redeeming the car and the rest of the film, which, if you think about it, is kind of like the car. Not too fast and can tend to go about, but is effective when you don’t. B++ .

Viper ACR’s pace vs competition: Excellent. Beyond excellent. A true tier 1 supercar (don’t argue, it is tier one, right up there with cars over twice the Viper’s MSRP), able to match the pace of the even more incredible Atom V8 and should be a big threat to the Mono and Huayra when all four cars go on a fatal 4-way around Dunsfold.

Now, we go on a road trip to Blackpool, where we learn that LeBlanc is chillest rockstar to ever drive the Reliant Robin’s son (I can’t find a good DC reference for this) and sound like that really cool uncle from your dad’s side, and Evans... well he actually sounds normal here. There’s a stark difference between the person in the studio and the person driving the Union Jack-wrapped Reliant De luxe, but the telling moment that this is still very much Ginger Evans we’re watching was when Matt LeBlanc broke down and Ginger laughed at him. This is supposed to be the trademark Breakdown Laugh, but in this case it didn’t feel funny, but rather, it fell flat, because (1) the stakes are lower than a VIP’d up Toyota Century and (2) Evans made the cardinal sin of sticking with LeBlanc the rest of the way and helping him make progress. Initially this was a good change of pace, and it made LeBlanc shine in a situation like this, but with Ginger not making a jab at Matt and instead complaining about gaudy rainwear, the film didn’t go that far, even if technically it reached its destination. C- .

Let’s not speak of the Stars in Cars segment, and go straight to the laps, which went surprisingly well. And by well, I actually mean well, yeah, rallycross does work. Only Gordon Ramsay is a good barometer of the pace difference, but I expect other stars to be more or less matching on-road pace. C+ .

Matt LeBlanc did well in his first proper review as TopGear ’s presenter. He may sound dry, but in actuality he merely sounds gruff, his deep voice hiding the enthusiasm that flows, regardless of how few it is, the entirety of the review. He’s a sort of like Hammond and sort of like May: sounds like a man of his time but still has enthusiasm and driving prowess to spare. He’s direct, with minimal metaphors, very much a double-edge sword. He tries just as hard as Ginger, but unlike him, the result isn’t annoying, just merely comely, almost downplaying the spectacular show he and the Ariel Nomad were dancing. Here’s where TopGear’s well-lauded cinematography and editing came in to the fore, and it did not disappoint me.

The gimmick, however, falls apart, not necessarily because the gimmick is bad (it was passable, bordering on entertaining), but because the Nomad is already the gimmick. It’s the gimmicky car, more a dune buggy than eater of worlds, even if it looks like it has the power to run the entire world of Game of Thrones in one tank of fuel, evading the army of wights and still be able to go back to the southernmost point again. Against the Nomad, the chase fails, barring when the dirt bike paps tried chasing Matt and his Buzzard.

In general, however, this is a great TopGear review film. Not excellent, not something the BBC will put in a greatest hits reel along with Clarkson’s output, but as a stepping stone for something greater, it does the job. Of course, we still have to wait a little bit before we see Chris Harris save the show, our souls, and the world, forever and ever, amen get his due on the main show, but right now, I’m OK with it. Also, Matt did well here in my book. A- .

{BIG IDEA: Because the Ariel Nomad is tube-frame, an enterprising bloke may be able to modify it and drape a silhouette Tesla Model X or Mercedes GLC body. In fact, an enterprising upstart automaker may want to look into Ariel for making SUVs, as I think the Nomad can be made into a platform for such a class of automobile.}

The final challenge, however, leaves much to be desired. The premise showed promise, but promise alone won’t win at Le Mans [Truth in 24 II], or in this case, the hearts of fans who are ready to tear TopGear apart, incinerate it, and migrate to where the Three Wise Monkeys will go. The challenges don’t really work as intended, and do not help in making the film entertaining or even structured. It doesn’t help that the challenges themselves are uninspired—in fact, they are boring, mainly because they are played too safe.

This was rectified by the last challenge, but really, this would have gotten better if they used the modern equivalents: the Jeep Wrangler Unlimited and and a Bowler Defender Challenge. Against a similarly-structured TopGear Mk2 's caravan towing challenge, it felt weak, and as it is, it was merely passable. There’s little risk, because there’s no real competition, no tirades, no premature gloating, and the dirty trick was horribly played out. You’d think Matt would force extra headway by stalling Evans at every turn, or for Ginger to leave his Reliant right where LeBlanc would go, but nope, it was a straight-up race. With the stakes in this level (low), the excitement is also low, so it’s hard to root for either team. This could have been done better, but it didn’t. So much effort for so little movement. C- .

At its end, as Ginger reminds Matt not to say what the bombshell is, I was left with mixed emotions. For one, I gave an entire season an opportunity, but while there were lovely new things and lovely old things, much of the rest of the show did not do well in terms of pushing TopGear out there in a positive way. Ginger is not a good presenter, despite being a good reviewer, and his character is muddled in a mask of immaturity covering up somebody that obviously doesn’t know jack about hosting a motoring programme, much less something like TopGear, unlike his colleagues in ExtraGear. Matt LeBlanc, meanwhile, is a rough gem, easy to polish, and can be of great value. We haven’t seen the rest of Project Kaiser, who is firmly shackled by the powers-that-be in this episode. There is a need for better guests. Rory Reid has got to be on the main show. The BBC better hope whatever fans it has left stay on till the next episode. Final grade: C+ .

As soon as some pirate coddles up ExtraGear on VoDLocker, I’ll watch it and review it tomorrow. Otherwise, you can get in here right now and talk about the episode, the review, or whether or not I’m full of shit.

boredalways > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 11:34

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I don’t hate it, but I’ve never been a fan of the show (more Fifth Gear for me — RIP???).

Anyway I am curious. What is this Project Kaiser that you speak of?

Wheelerguy > boredalways 05/30/2016 at 11:36

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Sabine Schmitz is Project Kaiser. That was her callsign in the ACR vs Z06 segment, and it kinda stuck to me as good and intimidating.

boredalways > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 11:42

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me likey

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 12:53

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I haven’t watched all of Extra Gear yet, but what I saw makes it clear that Harris is indeed the man we all knew him to be, funny, oppionated, well-spoken-even-while-holding-a-30-degree-drift-through-the-hammerhead and downright appealing to watch and listen to. If they were to replace Evans with Harris and let Sabine, sorry Project Kaiser really go wild with her anti-Ferrari pro-Porsche I’m-a-race-driver, damnit and I MUST WIN!!! Thing, then The all-new Old Top Gear could be really great. Leave LeBanc where he is, but chuck Evans for Harris, and give Project Kaiser the chance to do what she does so well (I've liked ALL of her guest appearances on 5th Gear and old Top Gear)

Steve in Manhattan > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 16:22

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I skimmed this to avoid spoilers. May, Clarkson, Hammond - say what you will about them (and I have), they worked well as a team. I’ll watch this tonight, and my prediction is this: the new team will be much more awkward.

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 20:32

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most of my thoughts during the show were “how is it that Hammond and May look better in Belstaffs than LeBlanc?”

Belstaff should obviously give me jackets instead.

PushToStart > Steve in Manhattan 05/30/2016 at 23:42

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Your prediction is pretty much true. I'm thinking that after some time the awkwardness will go away though

Berang > Wheelerguy 05/30/2016 at 23:50

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wats a top gaer

Wheelerguy > Berang 05/30/2016 at 23:58

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Opt Raeg

Hot Takes Salesman > Wheelerguy 05/31/2016 at 00:16

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Matt is great. But please, can somebody shut Chris Evans the fuck up. Replace him with the infinitely better Chris on the BBC’s roster- the Harris

Hot Takes Salesman > Wheelerguy 05/31/2016 at 00:18

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Also, dammit Extra Gear. Sabine is now demoted for me from “Hot German Nurbürgring Lady” to “Kinda Weird German Nurbürgring Lady”

Wheelerguy > Hot Takes Salesman 05/31/2016 at 00:30

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She;s Mayor and Sheriff of her own Texas. She’s the Queen of The ‘Ring. She’s Project Kaiser. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was sent back in time to save John Connor.

Hot Takes Salesman > Wheelerguy 05/31/2016 at 01:03

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Like, everything except for the saloon is so fucking awesome. Maybe not the accent, but hey, she's German. But the saloon and the classically German pet (Zis is my pet, it vill kill you tho) are the only two turnoffs here

190octane > Hot Takes Salesman 05/31/2016 at 02:50

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A German who is “normal” is weird. They're a strange group of people.

Steve in Manhattan > PushToStart 05/31/2016 at 03:51

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Up early because a cat woke me - and I watched it. It’s not bad at all. I’ll need to watch it again to see where they applied the formula and where they didn’t, but I ... I might even like it.

PushToStart > Steve in Manhattan 05/31/2016 at 13:54

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Lol fair enough. It's not that I didn't like it, I just thought it was a bit clunky.

Steve in Manhattan > PushToStart 05/31/2016 at 13:58

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Clunky I’d agree with ... and they’ll either settle into it, or they won’t. And I’ll be interested to see, in a couple months, what the worldwide audience compared to the last iteration is. That pokey little motoring show had millions and millions of fans around the world.

Nimbus The Legend - Riding on air like a cloud > Hot Takes Salesman 05/31/2016 at 16:28

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SO MUCH SO THIS!!!