Eight bedrooms? PSHAWW!... No but that's seriously the most I've seen so far.

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 05/10/2016 at 09:52 • Filed to: houses

0

34

But before I walk in this house, someone please tell me what the hell a gourmet kitchen is.

[wanking motion]

crowmolly > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 09:57

0

Viking appliances, etc.

EL_ULY > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 09:59

0

Premium fried bologna sandwiches

4muddyfeet - bare knuckle with an EZ30 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:00

1

Miele appliances, copper pans, fridge drawer cupboards, ovens for specific jobs. At least that’s what I’d want. That and a bigger house.

Ash78, voting early and often > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:01

0

That actually seems like too little square footage for that many bedrooms. Is this one of those Utah Polygamy Specials?

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:01

4

“Gourmet kitchen” - A sex act which involves Gordon Ramsay shouting at you.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:01

0

i’m sure the owner doesn;t know either, you’d have to talk to the service staff

OPPOsaurus WRX > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:03

1

this was the biggest house i’ve ever been in. It had gold plated toilet handles

TheHondaBro > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:04

0

One poor sap doesn’t get their own bathroom.

Cé hé sin > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:04

5

Gourmet kitchen?

Kitchen full of shiny, commercial size stuff that nobody will ever use but it impresses the guests no end.

Azrek > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:05

3

Everytime I have to move and look for a new place it is an adventure...here is part of the list of my last trip.

Some shit people post just make me laugh...I mean...what? How can this be appealing to me?

“2B/1B w/ Energy efficient microwave” Er...so you don’t have a stove or is this designed for those with microwaveable meals? College kids? Is this the best feature of the house?!

“2B/2B new carpeting will be installed!” So, did you at least get the bloodstains off the walls first?

“2B/2B basement can be used for storage!” For dead bodies? What if I don’t want to store anything down there? What else can it be used for?

“3B/2B Flexible terms!” I want a blonde virgin delivered to me every third Wednesday and twice on the fortnight of Febtober armed only with a carrot. I also want no brown M&Ms in my house. I also only answer to LORD SIR OF THE DOMINION and nothing else...this also requires a salute and a dance first. I require poems to be read to me while I poop.

“3B/1B Bonus room can be a den” So, what exactly is a bonus room? Is that one of the 3B or is it like a surprise birthday party?! SURPRISE you get a room! Where was it before? What if I elect not to get the bonus?

“2B/2B new appliances” Sweet...I can break them in? Or does this mean when I leave you’ll still expect them to be new and thus rape my security deposit?

“1B/1B great roommates” This is before they steal your last bag of Doritos.

“2B/2B great views” And this means what, exactly? I get a great view of the woods? Fucking sweet...now only if I can see the forest through the trees.

“3B/2B tenant takes care of lawn” Because the owner said FUCK THAT SHIT. But if I take a flamethrower too it, does it mean I took care of it? Weed-killer

“2B/2B Pet friendly!” So this means the current places smells like wet dog and piss? Or you can’t find a tenant without a pet you like?

“2B/2B Will go fast” Huh? So what’s the rush then? Why not say, “Lots of background checks required” or “Will accept anyone with cash!”

“3B/1B huge ceilings” What does a small ceiling look like?

“2B/2.5B private views” So, only I get this view? Can I pay for other folks to come see this view I own?

“3B/2B must see” I saw it...didn’t impress me. Now what?

“2B/2B end corner lot” Awesome, so I have to drive past everyone else to get there.

“2B/2B walking distance to shops and close to interstate” So you get loud noises and can escape your place whenever you want! All reasons not to live there?

“3B/2B large soaking tub” I prefer a large bucket to soak in. Why do you have to claim a tub is a soaking tub or not? What is a regular tub? Non-soaking? Just lay there like a whale?

“2B/2B secure neighborhood” Do I want to ever leave this neighborhood? What is on the otherside of those walls!? Zombies!?

“2B/2B great features and amenities” What the hell is the difference in the 2? Come get bonuses and extras?! Wait...am I gonna get a bonus room!?

Cé hé sin > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:06

0

Idiosyncrasies of the Americans, part 1:

They always advertise the floor area of their houses.

Birddog > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:09

0

DING!! We have a winnar!!

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht 05/10/2016 at 10:09

1

BigBlock440 > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:10

0

How else do you measure the size?

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > 4muddyfeet - bare knuckle with an EZ30 05/10/2016 at 10:11

1

That and a bigger house garage.

There, FIFY.

Land_Yacht_225 > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:11

0

It’s that classy thing where the subzero fridge blends in with the cabinets because stealth wealth.

functionoverfashion > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:11

1

This. My father in law designs kitchens for a living. Why send your kids to college when you can have this gourmet kitchen for the same price?

Camshaft Chris: Skyline/McLaren/Porsche Fanboy > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:12

1

gourmet kitchen /ôrm kiCH()n/ adj. 1. A kitchen that is for all intents and purposes of a home not any different from a standard kitchen, but is described in such a way to appear more luxurious and to attempt to validate a ridiculous selling point for a home.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:12

1

A gourmet kitchen is shiney and full of chrome

Gone > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 10:13

1

Cé hé sin > BigBlock440 05/10/2016 at 10:15

0

Ads here tend to just describe the house. The number of bedrooms is usually the most important factor. If there are say five, you know it’s a big house. Many people don’t know the floor area of their house.

BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:19

2

It's actually important here, because it's how realtors compare the prices in an area. Say, when you're listing the house, you can base the price off the fact that other houses in your area are selling for $120/sqft, $180/sqft, etc.

BigBlock440 > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:29

1

To an extent that’s true, but houses vary so much, here at least, that a square footage can give you a decent idea of room size at least. An example is that I currently own two 3-bedroom houses, but one of them is nearly twice the size of the other. Sure, they both have 3 bedrooms, but the bedrooms are tight in one, barely enough for a twin bed and a small dresser, while the bedrooms in the other are large enough to fit a full-sized queen/king/whatever, two big dressers, and closet space.

I guess I can see where it doesn’t really need to be advertised, but it gives a quick point of reference for room size and if your stuff will fit, making it easy to eliminate any without having to actually go see it.

Xyl0c41n3 > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 10:38

1

Because we have the space to build huge houses. A three-bedroom house in Texas can be 2-3 times bigger than a three-bedroom house in Virginia or New Jersey. Similarly, my apartment is bigger than a lot of houses you’d find in a city.

A one-bedroom apartment in NYC can literally be the size of just one of my walk-in closets here in Texas. Square footage is important.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Xyl0c41n3 05/10/2016 at 11:37

0

I’ve been in many homes that had 3 bedrooms but were well over 4000 square feet.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/10/2016 at 11:38

0

That’s obscene

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Gone 05/10/2016 at 11:53

0

That’s not what I’m seeing in this house lol

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Land_Yacht_225 05/10/2016 at 11:53

0

STERF WERF

Gone > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 12:06

0

Realtors man.

Kitchen w/SS and a big sink...Cook for your friends in your stunning gourmet kitchen

Separate tub/shower in master...Relax in solitude in your exquisite private master suite bath

Open landing on second floor...Your kids will love playing in your new large gameroom upstairs

Media room...Enjoy your own personal theatre

Covered patio...Entertain your friends and family with your shaded backyard getaway

OPPOsaurus WRX > Cé hé sin 05/10/2016 at 12:12

0

one of the first things i did was draft my floor plans

OPPOsaurus WRX > Azrek 05/10/2016 at 12:16

0

i read that as walking distance to interstate... i’m like WTF would that be important. if ur walking your not walking to the interstate

OPPOsaurus WRX > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 05/10/2016 at 12:16

0

each of his kids bathrooms were significantly bigger than my only full bath

Azrek > OPPOsaurus WRX 05/10/2016 at 12:17

0

Sometimes you are compelled to play in traffic?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > Gone 05/10/2016 at 13:18

0

Toilet room — shit in solitude