Someone give me 70 grand, please

"PanchoVilleneuve ST" (PanchoVilleneuve) 12/02/2016 at 04:27 • Filed to: None

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I live in Fairfield County, CT, and the GLA has become the chariot of soccer moms and trophy wives here. They’re everywhere. They’re a plague. All painted in shiny primer, all doing a perpetual Starbucks run. Because of this, I am overcome with the desire to own a Kryptonite Green GLA45AMG, with the stupid yet awesome aero package and all the performance goodies, hooning around like a crossover Mr. Hyde.

It’s a stupid car that costs way too much money and I love it and I want it bad someone buy me one please thank you.

DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time > PanchoVilleneuve ST 12/02/2016 at 04:43

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Only if you straight pipe it and sticker bomb it.

PanchoVilleneuve ST > DC3 LS, will be perpetually replacing cars until the end of time 12/02/2016 at 04:44

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I’d use a hunting knife to carve Percy Shelley’s “Ozymandias” into the paint.

kiwi_matt > PanchoVilleneuve ST 12/02/2016 at 07:52

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Why not put that 70k towards something useful? Like maybe something with a 4.0L twin turbo v8 under the hood? Just saying...

PanchoVilleneuve ST > kiwi_matt 12/02/2016 at 07:54

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You miss the appeal.

I need the wrongness. NEED IT.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > PanchoVilleneuve ST 12/02/2016 at 08:56

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You’re not much of a trophy if all he’ll buy you is a GLA, CLA, or C-class.

“Hey baby, I’m going to get you this Corolla or Camry with a badge to show I paid too much for it.”

Milky > PanchoVilleneuve ST 12/02/2016 at 09:18

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How is that $70k? It’ll be worth $30k in 2 years.

SlickMcRick > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 12/02/2016 at 09:18

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Even third place gets a trophy

PanchoVilleneuve ST > Milky 12/02/2016 at 10:29

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The price is part of the appeal, weirdly enough. There’s something about spending THAT much money on what is basically an overweight Focus RS.

I mean, they fucking START at 50 grand which is already way too expensive, and in order to add the $13,500 worth of AMG options (the dynamic package with the sport suspension and limited slip, the full-volume exhaust, the store-brand Recaros and “red has been proven by science to be the color of performance so even the air vents are red because racecar” Dynamica interior, the big stupid murdered-out wheels and the FUCK YOU LOOK AT THE WING YOU PIECE OF SHIT I LIVE MY LIFE A QUARTER MILE AT A TIME carbon fiber aero package) needed to maximize the wonderful stupiditiy of it all, you also need to add the premium package at $2750 and the finishing touches that are so idiotic and awesome you can’t NOT go with (the night package to black out the chrome, red calipers, and a goddamn motherfucking led-illuminated 3-pointed star in the grille) add ANOTHER $1600.

Oh, and to get it in a color that is actually a color it’s another $720 (or $2500 if you want it in a matte gray that makes it look like they primed it and then forgot to paint it which also has to be washed in a very particular way). Plus destination it’s $67,845.

Yeah, I know you can get the dynamic package (the only one that actually improves performance) and nothing else and get the thing for 53 or so but goddammit spending the price of a Kia Rio on making your car more obnoxious is the whole point of the thing. I mean, you shouldn’t do that, but why wouldn’t you?

It’s a stupid car and a waste of money that would be better spent on literally anything else. Buying one with no options is a bad idea, and the more shit you pile onto it the the worse and worse of an idea it becomes until it reaches some weird moron singularity and becomes amazing and wonderful and THE BEST IDEA EVER.

Milky > PanchoVilleneuve ST 12/02/2016 at 11:11

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Haha, you seem really into that car.

PanchoVilleneuve ST > Milky 12/02/2016 at 11:58

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I have to be since they killed off the R63, which was too perfectly stupid for this world. All the other AMG cars have a target market. You can think of why someone would buy one. Even the big SUVs make sense in an ultimate luxury bro truck kind of way. But not the R63, and not this.

The only thing that can fill the 500-horsepower minivan-sized hole in my heart is THE RAV4 OF THE GODS!

I sincerely believe that this retarded fucking thing is not just the best car Mercedes currently makes, but is the only worthwhile car currently made by the entire goddamn German auto industry. Everything else is just so perfectly sensible and competently engineered and logically thought out that the only thing that can break the tedium of excellence is something that is, at the most basic, conceptual level, utterly and completely wrong.

When all the pins are perfectly lined up in a row, the only one you notice is the one that fell over. It’s lovable. It’s a 3-legged, 1-eyed cat in a cage full of lions.