"Steven Lang" (StevenLang)
11/23/2016 at 10:03 • Filed to: None
6
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"Steven Lang" (StevenLang)
11/23/2016 at 10:03 • Filed to: None | 6
| 4 |
In order to clear out all 280,000 remaining Chrysler 200s, Dodge Darts, and FIAT 500L models, FIAT will be installing giant-sized slot machines at all Chrysler and FIAT dealerships throughout the United States.
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“Everybody will be a winner on Black Friday!”, said Edward Lowenbrau, Senior Vice-President of Public Relations at Fiat Chrysler Automobiles. “These models will all be offered at the low, low price of $16,995 before tax, tag, title and a variety of bogus fees that are all named after the car dealer’s dog.”
“This idea came about due to the recent closing of Trump’s Taj Mahal in Atlantic City. We know that the president-elect had extensive experience with managing casinos that ranged from the north side of Atlanta City to the south side of Atlantic City.” - explained Mr. Lowenbrau. “So we want everyone who comes into our neighborhood Chrysler and FIAT dealerships to leave with a little something.”
“We’re going to be using these leftover slot machines at the Taj Mahal to give away everything from sweaters autographed by the late Mr. Rogers, to old auto parts that have been sitting in our parts department since the late 1990s.”
FIAT apparently did some test studies before the release of this unusual idea. During my time with
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, the two of us watched video after video showing how happy young families were with this new promotion.
“Mommy! Mommy! I won a water pump!” - six year old John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt was seen running around a Chrysler dealership with a water pump for a 1993 Dodge Caravan.
“Aw shit! I won a dozen drink coasters! (sigh!) where do I have to sign...” - said octogenearian Francis Zappa of Mud Club, Wisconsin.
The idea is widely anticipated to be a big hit for Fiat Chrysler Automobiles, which has lately been reeling due to a variety of bad breaks ranging from the
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to a lack of new products for the North American market.
“Every automaker goes through a dry time.”, Edward Lowenbrau commented, “I mean, hell. Back when I was working at Honda !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! to save our asses from first base.”
“Everybody also likes to take a risk. I mean, how else can you explain the election of Donald Trump? Now excuse me, but we’re in the final stages of removing the slot machines from the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . We’re going to have the cherries be the 200s. The bars be the Darts because we have a ton of those. and the Lucky 7s will be for the 500Ls since 777 just happens to be the exact number of units we sold of that particular model last month.”
And on that note, my good friend Mr. Lowenbrau got up from his lunch and left me with a souvenir. An unopened quart bottle of vintage 1993 automatic Chrysler transmission fluid.
“Tell the kids it’s bubble bath! They’ll love it!”
shop-teacher
> Steven Lang
11/23/2016 at 10:07 |
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This is good Oppo.
RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
> Steven Lang
11/23/2016 at 10:17 |
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I gotta tell ya right now, those new 500Ls are yuge. Classy, even.
Krieger (@FSKrieger22)
> Steven Lang
11/23/2016 at 11:09 |
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Does The Onion take submissions like these?
Dusty Ventures
> Steven Lang
11/23/2016 at 11:54 |
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That six year old who won the water pump has the same name as me. How crazy is that!