What car is that NFL player? All 32 teams!

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer)
09/16/2015 at 13:20 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, nfl, football

The NFL season is underway. It is the best time of year for two reasons: every player has a chance at eternal glory in the form of a Super Bowl victory and, for the rest of us, being drunk on Sunday is completely encouraged. As a gearhead, I will admit that many of my greasy-fingered friends do not follow football with all the passion of a Texas high school like I do. And as part jock, I’m ashamed when my peers think of a car enthusiast as simply “Oh, like NASCAR?”. I started writing these posts to bridge the gap and draw comparisons between the two groups. By taking feats of automotive engineering and personifying them as amazing athletic ability, the end goal is to educate and entertain. The posts are divided into the 8 separate NFL Divisions, and I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed researching and putting them together.

Special thanks to user !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! for supplying the artwork at the top of this post.

AFC East:

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AFC West:

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AFC North:

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AFC South:

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NFC East:

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NFC West:

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NFC North:

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NFC South:

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DISCUSSION (88)

TheHondaBro > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:29

Please, Marshawn Lynch is obviously one of these:

Kinja'd!!!

Oh, and Tyler Lockett is an Ariel Atom.

Kinja'd!!!

Ross Kraz > TheHondaBro
09/16/2015 at 13:30

Except on 4th and 1.

DeLos_ > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:45

Kinja'd!!!

what a stupid idea for a blog.

devtron > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:48

And Johnny Manziel is Tony LaRussa’s car.

ScoobsMcGee > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:48

Kinja'd!!!

Damnit, and I was really hoping to get some sleep tonight this week.

Ross Kraz > DeLos_
09/16/2015 at 13:48

thank you for the constructive criticism

Segador > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:49

RG3:

Kinja'd!!!

Cousins:

Kinja'd!!!

JoeB8S4 > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:50

Kinja'd!!!

Tom Brady - Any car with deflated tires.

too many burners > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:50

Got get those clicks in...

JimHarbrawler > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:52

God damn it, the 49ers ones are so accurate from top to bottom :(

flabberboozled > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:52

You included Joe Thomas in the AFC North list? *sheds a manly tear of respect*

Kinja'd!!!

ICantStandNewJalopnik > JoeB8S4
09/16/2015 at 13:52

Good one!

JoeB8S4 > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:53

Kinja'd!!!

Peyton Manning - Only because of his ginormous forehead!

Howard Roark > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:54

Worst. “Article”. Ever.

sebdel > DeLos_
09/16/2015 at 13:56

Your are helping, we love you and your comment is going on the fridge with this cute kitty magnet. Have a cookie.

TheHondaBro > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:56

Well it is pretty stupid. I mean, Macanamera doesn’t even wear matching pajamas to the monthly slumber party. What a rebel.

the7thearlofgrey > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 13:57

Kinja'd!!!

TheRevanchist > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:00

Kinja'd!!!

Retired Chris Canty’s facemask?

RazorGP > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:03

This car for the Patriots.

Kinja'd!!!

Why this import car for the Patriots.
I’ll tell you.
It was dominate in its time because the engineers (coaches) decided to use a cheat to bypass the restrictor plate they used on the turbo through some clever “Misinterperitation of the rules” to make a bit more power then the rest of the field. That on top of some syspension hearsay lead to a few titles and plenty of wins.
So I say, “how is this rolling cheat unlike the Patriots?”

ThisBuddhistForYou > flabberboozled
09/16/2015 at 14:03

Thomas may go down as one of the best players ever not to be known due to being on one of the worst teams.

Haden is over rated. Stops any tier 2 or 3 receiver. Gets beat by every true level 1

Splodey > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:04

Too soon, too soon. The hurt I feel

JoeB8S4 > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:04

Pac Man Jones - Built to do good things, but just feels like sitting in the left lane, bullying and pissing others off.

Kinja'd!!!

Think! aka anotherburner111122223333 > Howard Roark
09/16/2015 at 14:04

It’s OppositeLock. These people do it for the fun with no expectation of yours or anyones approval or payment. Sometimes the paid Gawker employees like it and link it to the front page. It’s a nice community thing.

Even you could write for Oppo about how much you hate their content!

cstealth > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:06

JPP’s hands:

Kinja'd!!!

reverberocket is nipping the apex..and gently blowing in it's ear. > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:07

Kinja'd!!!

NO > JoeB8S4
09/16/2015 at 14:08

Prepare for the Bahstan rhage

TheHondaBro > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:09

LodestarRunner > Segador
09/16/2015 at 14:13

Dan Snyder is the car that pushed him into the barrier.

tuckrule > RazorGP
09/16/2015 at 14:13

You oversold that joke....

2wheelmission > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:13

Kinja'd!!!

I know you said player...but this is for my team which I will follow no matter how much they suck.

The Oakland Raiders, at one time were an amazing team but now they are non existent much like Studebaker.

tuckrule > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:14

JJ Watt:

JaMarcusHussle > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:14

That was Ricardo Lockette

notsomethingstructural > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:15

This is pretty awesome. Great work.
Favorite one so far: Tony Romo as Audi R8 automatic.
Biggest surprise: that the photo of Ken Block’s Fiesta was from Edmunds.

PatBateman > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:17

JJ’s eyes should be red.

Source: On the field, he's possessed.

Shift4brains > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:20

Kinja'd!!!

JPP

JoeB8S4 > NO
09/16/2015 at 14:20

Ha!

Ross Kraz > Shift4brains
09/16/2015 at 14:22

You know, I was really tempted to use this for like Jordy Nelson, or Foster, or some other player with a bum leg. But I thought it was too soon.

PatBateman > DeLos_
09/16/2015 at 14:23

Is someone pissing in your cereal every morning, or were you born this grumpy?

flabberboozled > ThisBuddhistForYou
09/16/2015 at 14:25

I only know about Joe Thomas because I grew up in Cleveland and I went to Wisconsin. Otherwise, I would have no idea.

Shift4brains > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:25

If Kinja’s taught me anything it’s that it’s never too soon

Keyboard Ross > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:32

Kinja'd!!!

Struts MacPherson > DeLos_
09/16/2015 at 14:35

And by clicking on the article, you helped ensure there will be more just like it, fucktard.

Antipasto > JoeB8S4
09/16/2015 at 14:47

CLASSIC!!!! +1!!!!!!

Rusty Shackleford > Segador
09/16/2015 at 14:48

The Internet has been won.

Kinja'd!!!

RazorGP > tuckrule
09/16/2015 at 14:48

The joke comes when the NFL lets cheaters go unpunished, rapists go free, and abusers keep playing. Its a shit show when money speaks more then ethics and sportsmanship. Its a shame kids look up to those players.

killerhurtalot4 > TheHondaBro
09/16/2015 at 14:49

You got it wrong man. Marshawn Lynch is obviously this.

Kinja'd!!!

RazorGP > tuckrule
09/16/2015 at 14:49

Why did the jackoff in the light blue shirt start punching him?

Rusty Shackleford > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:51

JaMarcus Russell

Kinja'd!!!

DeLos_ > Struts MacPherson
09/16/2015 at 14:52

nice language.

DeLos_ > PatBateman
09/16/2015 at 14:52

I don’t eat cereal. Unless oatmeal is cereal.

DeLos_ > sebdel
09/16/2015 at 14:53

irrelevant.

Hoonidan > TheRevanchist
09/16/2015 at 14:54

That is Justin Tuck

Struts MacPherson > DeLos_
09/16/2015 at 15:01

Thanks, fucktard!

TheRevanchist > Hoonidan
09/16/2015 at 15:06

HA! Too late for me to edit now. Thanks for the clarification, though. All I can do is laugh at this situation.

SpeakerToManimals > JoeB8S4
09/16/2015 at 15:07

Weak. Can’t get the pic to upload but obviously an early 60’s Corvair should have been your go-to for a ballghazi crack. Only works properly with the front wheels deflated.

Fatballs > Hoonidan
09/16/2015 at 15:09

*Justin Truck

BrianMadigan > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 15:17

“NFL Season is under way”

Please make it go away.

Buccaneer9 > RazorGP
09/16/2015 at 15:50

Gonna go ahead and assume that English, is not your first language.

Rubs forehead to ease sharp pain.

General Mayhem > Shift4brains
09/16/2015 at 16:03

^^^^

That would be the entire Cleveland Browns...

nerd_racing > PatBateman
09/16/2015 at 16:12

Pretty sure that’s mario williams

Kinja'd!!!

BraappBraapp > Hoonidan
09/16/2015 at 16:16

Lol, that’s great.

Kinja'd!!!

Chariotoflove > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:16

This was a lot of work, Man. Thanks for putting it together.

ICwater > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:21

Marshawn Lynch

Kinja'd!!!

tgent > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:23

I just read all of these and they were amazing! Great work.

Ross Kraz > ICwater
09/16/2015 at 16:26

True, he does carry the most important thing in the game. But that car is so defensive-minded. Throw some rocket launchers on it like a Bond car, and you have a valid point.

ICwater > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:28

i was going for unstoppable :p

ICwater > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:29

plus we dont actually know that it doesn’t have rocket launchers

ICwater > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:29

and it’s the beast

catastropey > Hoonidan
09/16/2015 at 16:31

One of them (99) is Canty, one is Tuck.

crowmolly > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:44

Kinja'd!!!

Tom Brady.

motronic > 2wheelmission
09/16/2015 at 16:51

The problem is their fans still exist. I live in the Bay.

Goodeveningofficer > JoeB8S4
09/16/2015 at 17:26

Kinja'd!!!

Brady . Sooooo you eat a dick

MisterImmortal > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 17:49

You can thank him by reading articles on his new blog: “This Blog is Stupid, the blog” - It’s no Bob Loblaw’s Law Blog, but it’ll contain fresh, in depth analysis such as: “See this blog here? Fuck it!”