"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch)
09/11/2015 at 12:41 • Filed to: rental cars, sales pitch
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"Seat Safety Switch" (seat-safety-switch)
09/11/2015 at 12:41 • Filed to: rental cars, sales pitch | 8
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I was complaining to my buddy the other day about how hard it was to keep track of all my cars, to find time in the day to move them every 72 hours. He suggested - perhaps sarcastically now that I look back upon it - I form a rental car agency.
So I did. That’ll show him. Here’s the pitch.
Have you ever wanted to save money on car ownership, and not really care what car you are driving? Why not take one of our fine hoopties for a ride?
We split up our collection of $500 used cars and spread them across the city and started our new carsharing agency, Beaterget . It’s German for “these are really bad cars and we need to recoup some of our investment.”
Our gleaming beasts are probably located near you, just waiting for you to drive them away. We’ve got all makes and all models. Whether you’re test driving for a future purchase of a $500 car, robbing a bank, or simply need something weird to show up in your high school reunion with, we can satisfy your every need.
Our cars are protected with junkyarded Ford door keycode pads, with the code set differently each day. We’ll let you know the code so you can get on your way, unless our servers are busy or the email ends up in your spam box. But that’s okay! If you already like beaters this much you probably habitually carry a toolbox with yourself that can be used to honour-system your way into one of our fine automobiles anyway.
And starting this weekend we have a new promotion - if you can pay the fines to get one of our Beaterget cars out of parking impound, you can keep it . We’ll send you the title! No other rental car agency has this policy, nor should they.
No automatic transmissions are offered, go fuck yourself.
Bytemite
> Seat Safety Switch
09/11/2015 at 12:56 |
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This is a great idea. A rental car company for the manual transmission beaters.
RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
> Seat Safety Switch
09/11/2015 at 13:00 |
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Rent-A-Wreck
isn’t usually quite at that stage of life for its cars, but according to
P.J. O’Rourke
, at one time the original in LA actually kind of *was* like this. He describes one immortal Mustang that was mostly Bondo and kept going, and going, and going.
spanfucker retire bitch
> Seat Safety Switch
09/11/2015 at 13:10 |
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I was complaining to my buddy the other day about how hard it was to keep track of all my cars, to find time in the day to move them every 72 hours.
How many cars
do
you own?
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Seat Safety Switch
> spanfucker retire bitch
09/11/2015 at 13:48 |
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I own enough that I’ve had to hire a logistics consultant, poaching him away from UPS. He stepped into my office on the first day and showed me charts demonstrating that I have in fact raised the average price of anything with a manual transmission on planet Earth by thirty seven point five percent year over year.
My private banker stepped out from behind the curtain where he had been hiding. “It’s a reasonable inflation hedge,” he said, squinting behind his monocle.
It was a good day, except for the part where I had to gun down the logistics expert and bury him in a shallow grave. He simply knew too much.
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spanfucker retire bitch
> Seat Safety Switch
09/11/2015 at 13:50 |
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You didn’t mention, but I must know; did your private banker also then disappear behind the curtain after squinting through his monocle?
These are important details.
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Seat Safety Switch
> spanfucker retire bitch
09/11/2015 at 13:51 |
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Yeah, that’s where his office is. It’s a pretty big curtain.
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spanfucker retire bitch
> Seat Safety Switch
09/11/2015 at 13:54 |
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It’s a pretty big curtain.
His name isn’t “Oz” by any chance is it?
Because he moon lights as a “doctor” and he might not have your best interest at heart.
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Seat Safety Switch
> spanfucker retire bitch
09/11/2015 at 13:56 |
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I choked on my acai berry shake when I saw you mention his name. I’ve had him killed and buried in a shallow grave.