What car is that NFL player? AFC North edition

"Ross Kraz" (ropstafer)
09/10/2015 at 03:35 • Filed to: what car is that nfl player, what car is that player, afc north, bengals, browns, ravens, steelers

(I love cars. I love NFL football. Let’s combine the two and compare some star players to automobiles. In this post: teams of the AFC North )

Cleveland Browns

Joe Thomas, T: International Snow Plow

Why? After earning All-American honors at Wisconsin, Thomas was selected by Cleveland with the 3rd overall pick in 2007. He has gone on to make the Pro Bowl in each year of his NFL career — 8 seasons so far. Through all of the Browns’ coaching and position changes in that time, Thomas has been the one reliable consistency. Well documented is the carousel of Cleveland quarterbacks in the last decade, with names including Brady Quinn, Colt McCoy and Brandon Wheeden. No matter what the chaos of the storm around him, Thomas has provided safety for his QB. In 2012, Thomas let up just 3 sacks in 618 passing plays. In the face of any adversity, he has soldiered on to clear the path for his running back, no matter who that man may be. Remember when they had Jamal Lewis? How about Monterio Hardesty? Fun fact: The City of Cleveland averages 60 inches of snow per year and has 63 snow plows to clear the streets. Clevelanders can find some peace of mind in knowing that there’s a plow working harder than any of them on the field on Sundays. (Photo credits: CBS Sports, hankstruckpictures.com)

Joe Haden, CB: Koenigsegg Agera R

Why? In the 2015 NFL Top 100 players he ranks #23, coming in as the #4 cornerback (Sherman, Revis, Peterson). A first round pick in 2010, Haden has made the Pro Bowl in each of the last two seasons, deflecting 20 passes in each of them. Haden has quickness and, with a nose for the ball, can cover any receiver on the entire field. He looks to continue his improvement this year and move up a few more spaces on that Top 100 list next year. He even looks like an Agera with its doors open. Speed, quickness, continuous improvement, and funny ears? He has to be a Koenigsegg. (Photo credits: Cleveland Sports 360, Eurocar)

Cincinnati Bengals

Domata Peko, DT: 1950 Buick with flame throwers

Why? The Buick has an estimated curb weight of around 4000 pounds, a menacing stance, flames shooting from the back, and general aggressive behavior. Peko comes in at a hefty 322 pounds, spends his entire Sunday in scrimmage line scrums, has been known to let his orange hair fly out of his helmet, and is most definitely not someone you want to upset. (Photo credits: New York Sun, Flickr)

A.J. Hawk, ILB: Ford Crown Victoria P71 Interceptor

Why? A.J. Hawk isn’t a star player in the NFL anymore. He begins the twilight of his career in his first season in Cincinnati and as a backup to Ray Maualuga. Prior to that, he spent nine seasons with the Green Bay Packers where he averaged over 100 tackles per season and won a Super Bowl ring. He was never flashy. He wasn’t the fastest. He never made the Pro Bowl except as an alternate. But he consistently and reliably got the job done. As for the Crown Vic: he was a cop car in his former life. Maybe he never made it on Cops . Maybe he wasn’t the fastest car on the road by any means but he managed to accomplish more than other cars ever did. Now it’s time for a nice leisurely job before final retirement. Best of luck, you two. (Photo credits: cincyjungle.com, offpricecars.com)

BONUS A.J. Green, WR: Ariel Nomad

Why? I’m begging you to watch his highlight reels on YouTube. A.J. Green is a contortionist in a receiver’s body. The way he flexes and twists in the air and adjusts his feet to land perfectly in bounds is dumbfounding. When on the ground, his jukes make defenders look plain stupid. The best comparable vehicle is the Ariel Nomad, the rugged off-road brother to their minimalist supercar, the Atom. The Nomad does 0-60 in 3.5 seconds and has extremely long travel, outboard mounted suspension that allows it to glide over bumps and dunes. Watching either of these two in slow motion becomes an artform — or just a fantastic way to spend your free time. (Photo credits: ESPN, Ariel)

Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco, QB: Ferrari Mondial

Why? To the untrained eye, the Mondial appears to be another wedge shaped supercar Ferrari. If you decide to buy one, it will still cost you around $35,000 for purchase. Soon afterwards you will realize that it can’t even keep up with a Camry with its 214 horsepower that get it from 0-60 in 9.4 agonizingly long seconds. Eventually, certainly, and frequently, it will break down. This will probably cost you enough at your local Ferrari dealer to put the manager’s kids through college. After his Super Bowl XLVII victory, Flacco appeared to the Ravens organization to be an elite level quarterback. They rewarded him with a 6 year, $120.6 million dollar contract (a record at the time) and have been literally and figuratively paying for it ever since. His first year in the new contract (2013), he put up an atrocious 73.1 passer rating, throwing more picks than touchdowns, while on the way to an 8-8 record and no playoffs. Although he bounced back in 2014, the Ravens were knocked out in the Divisional round after a 10-6 season. (Photo credits: Huffington Post, Barrett-Jackson)

Steve Smith, WR: Ferrari 600 GT SWB

Why? On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have the man partly responsible for Flacco’s 2014 statistical recovery. He is an ageless wonder that never seems to get worse. In a way that a car collector may sell a Ferrari, feeling that its value was past its peak after 13 years and may soon diminish, the Carolina Panthers opted to let Smith walk away and join Baltimore. In true Ferrari fashion, his value just keeps on climbing. After over 800 catches and 12,000 yards in Carolina, Smith led the Ravens with 79 catches and 1,065 yards in 2014. Although he may not be as fast as some of the newer models any more, he still remains one of the best. (Photo credits: USA Today, Local Motors)

Pittsburgh Steelers

Ben Roethlisberger, QB: Mercedes 300D

Why? Over the years, the Mercedes 300D has seemed to attract appeal from African dictators, gang leaders, and violent militia generals. It is an association of little honor for the car. On the other hand, the 300D is also regarded as one of the most durable and longest lasting vehicles in the world. Roethlisberger has endured many injuries throughout his career, has an uncanny knack for extending plays with by evading defenders, and has had great success — but he isn’t the most well-liked person due to sexual assault allegations in 2008 and 2010. Although he was never convicted of a crime, his reputation was forever tarnished in the eyes of many fans. (Photo credits: New York Daily News, Flickr)

James Harrison, OLB: Willy’s MB Army Jeep

Why? Living with James Harrison must be like living with a drill sergeant, so this one seems fitting. Harrison is an old school, hard nosed, pad crushing linebacker like Lambert, Butkus or Nitschke. Even among the burly demigods that make up the NFL, Harrison is manlier. In the past, when fined for vicious hits and blows to the head, Harrison basically just stated that was the way he was always taught to tackle and he won’t change. He also said any way you can get the player to the ground is a good tackle. Recently, he took away his own sons’ participation trophies and stated that they can have trophies when they earn them by winning. Drop down and give me fifty, maggots! (Photo credits: USA Today, warjeeps.com)

BONUS Le’Veon Bell, RB: The delivery van from Up in Smoke

Why? Le’Veon will be starting the 2015 season on a two game suspension stemming from an August 2014 traffic stop that resulted in a DUI charge and possession of marijuana. Bell got caught on this burn cruise with his BUDdy, then-teammate LeGarrette Blount (pronounced “Blunt”. Seriously. I guess it’s better than Raaaaalph). It seems that he has cleaned up his act since, convincing the NFL to reduce is suspension from its original four games. However, after seeing this photo on the NFL.com Fantasy page, I’m not so sure... (Photo credits: NFL, Houston Press)

DISCUSSION (12)

OffendedRavensFan > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:12

Although he bounced back in 2014, the Ravens were knocked out in the Wild Card round after a 10-6 season.

*Division round

Also, Flacco should never be compared to a Ferrari. He’s never broken down in his life. He’s consistent. Consistently mediocre with a little burst in the playoffs. He’s a Toyota Corolla Sport.

Ryan > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:32

Kinja'd!!!

But is Joe Flacco elite?

TimeToGoHome > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 14:54

You forgot about James Harrison’s best quote.

“ Goodell, who’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league. If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him”

Torsloke > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 15:23

Based on how Joe Haden played against Brandon Marshall on Sunday you might want to change him to a Fiat 500. Still fun and fast and sporty, but too small for big driving challenges.

Throwawayjunk > Ross Kraz
09/16/2015 at 16:15

The lack of comedy in this piece isn’t surprising at all. Deadspin idea of funny to to mock and try to put down people. Doesn’t really work when you write for a shit hole like Gawker.

Ross Kraz > Throwawayjunk
09/16/2015 at 16:23

Still better than your posts .