This is the Average USA Motorist:

"Noah - Now with more boost." (antriebverliebt) 08/26/2015 at 15:36 • Filed to: None

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37

Driving alone in an SUV, and so woefully out of touch with the extremities of his massive vehicle that he can’t even use a drive-through ATM properly. Incompetence behind the wheel is the status quo here. The driver in front of him did the same thing. And there is a walk-up ATM on the other side of this building....

These are the people that make driving around the suburbs of Boston more stressful than driving through the city itself. They’re on the phone with their bimbo friends, bragging about their kids’ latest soccer goal, flooring it through a stale yellow in a 2015 Suburban their spouse purchased.

Driving laws? Other people’s cars? Their lives? Forget about it! ME! ME! ME! And my 6000 LB body-on-frame status symbol! I WILL NOT miss my tanning appointment! I’m so pasty!

#rant

BigBlock440 > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:40

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*pictured: Not body-on-frame

Noah - Now with more boost. > BigBlock440 08/26/2015 at 15:41

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I knew someone would say that! Thanks? lol

misfitmascots > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:42

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I see small cars do this a lot

Baeromez > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:42

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People suck at driving.

BigBlock440 > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:43

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You’re welcome.

Noah - Now with more boost. > misfitmascots 08/26/2015 at 15:43

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“Driving is so scary! I’m afraid of hitting... everything!”

Ash78, voting early and often > BigBlock440 08/26/2015 at 15:43

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Maybe he’s mad about driving a minivan and wants to get out and give everyone the evil eye.

misfitmascots > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:44

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Yep. Pretty sad that this is where we are

Ash78, voting early and often > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:44

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After a quick back-of-napkin regression analysis, I am only attributing 10% of this phenomenon to America, 5% to an SUV, and 85% to Massachusetts.

Sam > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:45

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To be fair, it’s typically very difficult to use an ATM in an SUV because the money slot and the number pad are too low.

Noah - Now with more boost. > BigBlock440 08/26/2015 at 15:46

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Yeah I should have made a note similar to your first comment. Also... MOPAR. Your account name is great. I’ll take a Coronet 440 please

EL_ULY > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:50

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I’ve never seen a SUV do this, let alone a Japanese car. But i’ve personally have done this with 3 of my German cars. Plus a stuck starter situation lol

Noah - Now with more boost. > Ash78, voting early and often 08/26/2015 at 15:50

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I concur; this man gets a solid 7/10 on the “masshole” scale.

Noah - Now with more boost. > Ash78, voting early and often 08/26/2015 at 15:53

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Nope that’s the Prius drivers around here! 90+ in a 55 weaving through traffic? It’s usually a bitter husband driving the family hybrid

ly2v8-Brian > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 15:55

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Title is misleading. This is a Massachusetts plate. This says all you need to know.

Noah - Now with more boost. > EL_ULY 08/26/2015 at 15:58

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Lol. Self-preservation (protecting your paint) is probably the only valid excuse for this.

Noah - Now with more boost. > Baeromez 08/26/2015 at 15:58

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It’s a damn warzone out there

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Ash78, voting early and often 08/26/2015 at 16:04

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Talking about your Odyssey?

#ohsnap #donthateme

Noah - Now with more boost. > ly2v8-Brian 08/26/2015 at 16:06

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Joke is funny. But already used by someone else :P

Ash78, voting early and often > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 08/26/2015 at 16:06

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Yup. Fresh on my mind after finally posting the Tolstoy-esque review I’ve been drafting for 6 months...

(scroll down on Oppo)

wiffleballtony > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 16:07

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People still use paper money?

Noah - Now with more boost. > wiffleballtony 08/26/2015 at 16:15

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I’m so primitive!

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > Ash78, voting early and often 08/26/2015 at 16:30

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i read you review.... funnily enough, the seats’ foam really aren’t THAT soft.... they’re on the firmer side for a minivan

wiffleballtony > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 16:37

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I haven’t willingly gone to an ATM in years. I just wind up with cash that ends up in the washing machine or spare change that’s annoying. Plus, only using plastic makes it much easier for hackers. #hackerlivesmatter

Ash78, voting early and often > SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman 08/26/2015 at 16:48

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Coming from the German world, it’s a lot different than what they call “Die Hemhorroidung” (medium-firm foam)

Noah - Now with more boost. > wiffleballtony 08/26/2015 at 16:50

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Truth be told, I am the same way; I hate change and rarely have much cash on me. But the farmers at the town market don’t take credit.... yet! They need ipads ASAP

wiffleballtony > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 16:53

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Damn those small business owners. Basically I only have cash when it’s something stupid like for a parking garage in a downtown.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 17:21

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I have a 4Runner but at lest I drive better than that. I’ve never had to get out at a drive through.

Noah - Now with more boost. > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 08/26/2015 at 17:51

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As an enthusiast, it blows my mind that people aren't embarrassed by this

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 17:54

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I’m ok with big cars as long as the driver knows where their car ends and open space begins.

Noah - Now with more boost. > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 08/26/2015 at 17:57

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Agreed, I like big cars too. If you can whip your escalade like it’s a go-kart, city bus driver style, you have my respect.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 18:03

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Most people where I live who drive escalades are suburban moms.

Noah - Now with more boost. > Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap 08/26/2015 at 19:37

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Same here, I think they like the size/visibility.

DoYouEvenShift > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 20:18

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Its Corollas in my area. A couple days ago I patiently sit behind a black one for 10 seconds after the light turns green. I don’t want to interrupt her texting session. Car finally moves, I pass on the left side, a little enthusiastic with the gas and exhaust. Next light shes honking and flashing lights at me. Yeah Im the bad guy.

Die in a tire fire and text me about please.

Noah - Now with more boost. > DoYouEvenShift 08/26/2015 at 20:32

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She will! Her sister will be the next girl in those PSAs...

DoYouEvenShift > Noah - Now with more boost. 08/26/2015 at 20:37

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Hehe!

Noah - Now with more boost. > DoYouEvenShift 08/26/2015 at 21:49

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Yep. I’m a terrible person.