How do I catch the S.O.B. who sits and smokes on my car?

"PilotMan" (Pilotman)
07/21/2015 at 16:20 • Filed to: None

Someone’s going to die.

I park in a two story parking garage at my office. We own a suite in a smallish three story office building. My office is on the opposite side of the building from where my car is parked. I get to the office early in the morning park against a wall to minimize to door dings. I park in that spot because I think the car is safer facing the street, under a light, on the main level of the parking garage.

I went out today to leave for a meeting and found greasy fingerprints on my hood and shoe scuff marks on my bumper. There was a cig butt on the ground next to my car. I’ve noticed this happening a couple times before but I hadn’t been sure before. Today it was obvious that someone has been sitting on the hood of my little Fiat and it makes me quite angry.

I chatted with the receptionists in the building, asking who goes out to that area and smokes. I didn’t get any good leads. I’m wondering what the best action would be.

Do I leave the following note?

Please do not sit and smoke on my car. If you continue to do so, I will slit your throat and bury your body in the desert.

Should I buy a battery-powered, motion sensor activated little camera? Should I sit in the back of the car and just wait one morning with a hand gun?

DISCUSSION (80)

EL_ULY > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:21

mouse traps

????

profit

ArmadaExpress drives a turbo outback > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:22

yes on the camera. try a trail camera or something along those lines. Just makes sure the flash is off so it doesnt reflect off the car windows.

macanamera > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:24

velociraptors

Where have all the lightweights gone? > ArmadaExpress drives a turbo outback
07/21/2015 at 16:25

Dash cam?

TheOnelectronic > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:25

Stick some spikes onto the hood in that spot, then when you get to the car, test the blood.

Twism > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:25

Install a paintball landmine rigged to a motion detector:

Kinja'd!!!

WRXerFish - WRX-Wing pilot > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:26

GoPro/ Dashcam? Maybe try and get video graphic evidence.

Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole > ArmadaExpress drives a turbo outback
07/21/2015 at 16:26

They don’t work too well through windows. At least the one my neighbor bought doesn’t.

DailyTurismo > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:26

Zip-tie a large salmon to your grill in the morning. By the time this guy goes for his smoke break it should be good and stinky. Profit.

ceanderson920 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:27

Its pretty fucked up to be leaning on some one else’s car in the first place whether they are smoking or not. Is their some sort of camera that you can hook up into the cig lighter in your car so you can see who is doing it? Or maybe you could put some sort of black dust stuff on your car that will fuck up their clothes but still be able to wash off your car, Ashes maybe?

PilotMan > Twism
07/21/2015 at 16:27

That’s awesome.

DailyTurismo > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:27

WAIT!! I just got it. Battery operatored smoke detector, under your hood, near the grill (just tape or ziptie it in place temporarily). done!

Kinja'd!!!

PilotMan > WRXerFish - WRX-Wing pilot
07/21/2015 at 16:28

I’ have a go Pro, I could turn off the record light and record on the lowest setting. I wonder how long it would record for.

dogisbadob > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:28

Stalk him, find out what car he drives, and smoke on his. Then, put a sign that says STOP FUCKING SMOKING ON MY CAR

Also, put a decal on your hood that says NO SMOKING ZONE

Twism > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:28

My first idea was a real landmine, but it can be problematic for the front of your car, so...

That, or you hire 2 bouncers that will watch over the car every day, glaring menacingly at anyone that approaches.

Svend > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:28

Can you alter the car alarm sensitivity to maximum?

tromoly > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:29

Black grease on the hood, smoothed out so the person doesn’t notice it. Ask the receptionist to keep an eye out for whoever has a black spot on their pants when they come back in.

Bonus points if it’s someone who wears white/light colored pants.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:29

Hahah, I would take the day off work, just to come park in the parking garage and stake the car out to see who’s doing it. Then find their car and light it on fire with a note near it that says “Smoking Kills”.

PilotMan > Snuze: Needs another Swede
07/21/2015 at 16:32

Awesome, but I’m strangely adverse to vehicle destruction. I’m open to bodily harm though.

PilotMan > DailyTurismo
07/21/2015 at 16:33

Good idea

PilotMan > Svend
07/21/2015 at 16:34

I just have an OEM alarm, not sure if it even has a sensitivity setting.

Roadster Man > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:35

Take a sick day, but go to the office and just park there and wait for him...

PilotMan > tromoly
07/21/2015 at 16:36

That might work but I really wish I could electrify the hood.

PilotMan > ceanderson920
07/21/2015 at 16:37

Printer toner!

That stuff is horrible.

PilotMan > Roadster Man
07/21/2015 at 16:37

with a handgun?

RockThrillz89 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:40

Kinda goes along with what tromoly said, but crop dust the front of your car with pepper spray. He obviously puts his hands on the car. Make him suffer for the rest of the day each time he rubs his eyes. He’s a smoker, probably doesn’t get many smoke breaks, so his hands are going to be touching his lips and face a lot through the day.

Walk of Shane > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:41

DNA test on the cigarette butt!

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:43

While shooting them seems a bit harsh, lighting their hair on fire like the end of cig seems fitting...

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > RockThrillz89
07/21/2015 at 16:43

This is the best answer, diabolical in it’s effectiveness!

Snuze: Needs another Swede > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:43

Fair point. I mean, if he or she has a nice car I wouldn’t do it, but if it’s a hoopty or something common like an Accord, break out the marshmallows!

Also, be extremely careful lying in wait if you decide to arm yourself. I don’t know what Salt Lakes carry laws are like, or if they have “duty to retreat”, “stand your ground”, etc. But lying in wait for someone, armed with a gun, could be construed as probably 2nd degree murder if you were to confront the person and for whatever reason things go south and you end up having to use it. I’m not saying don’t protect yourself, I’m just saying be extremely careful how you approach this.

SnapUndersteer, Italian Spiderman > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:44

Ninja midgets

Roadster Man > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:44

No! With your words!

And a slapjack.

Tareim - V8 powered > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:46

hook it up to either your car’s battery or get one of those power banks and then a massive sd card and you could have it record the whole day and you can easily cover the record light with some blue tack

RallyWrench > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:46

This is why I believe that most smokers are unbelievably inconsiderate. If they don’t have any qualms ruining everyone else’s air, sitting on your car doesn’t even register. Maybe screw a big, official looking NO SMOKING placard on the adjacent wall.

PilotMan > RockThrillz89
07/21/2015 at 16:46

Oooo that’s awesome.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:48

Kinja'd!!!

Install some of these.

XJDano > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:52

You could place an air horn under your cat so that when the ride height changers it goes off. They make smaller ones and you may be able you get it at Walmart in the boat section.

Kinja'd!!!

Patrick Nichols > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:53

Time lapse every 30 seconds would probably work best

E92M3 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 16:54

Why are some people so f@$!#% inconsiderate? That’s worse that the lady I found leaning and writing on mine.

Patrick Nichols > macanamera
07/21/2015 at 16:55

Raptor Jesus if he’s available

WRXerFish - WRX-Wing pilot > Patrick Nichols
07/21/2015 at 16:57

This ^

deekster_caddy > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:00

Leave a note. Tell them you expect them to stop smoking and a certificate for a full car wash and detail to get their shoe smears off your car. Also, electrify the body so anything that touches it gets zapped.

Totally not cool. Not cool at all.

deekster_caddy > Patrick Nichols
07/21/2015 at 17:01

This - anyone smoking will spend more than 30 seconds. Not sure if you’d get a shot of their face, but at least you can get a start. (height, hair color etc)

deekster_caddy > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:02

Hell yes! Where are you? I am staring at a couple of used toner cartridges!

deekster_caddy > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:02

If you do this, you have to have a camera stashed somewhere.

anon-sxmcyecofnu1eocpqsk9iq > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:06

Whatever way you catch him, make him pay for any damage :)

PilotMan > deekster_caddy
07/21/2015 at 17:06

In Murray, SLC UT

lonestranger > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:11

Dashcam.

Mine has a mode whereby it begins recording when it sees motion and the car’s parked. When there’s no activity in front of the camera, it turns off again.

Svend > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:11

Just flashed through the Fiat 500 2012 and 2013 manuals and I can’t find reference to the system. Sorry fella. Another Fiat 500 owner or Fiat forum should be able to tell you how to do if it’s possible to do it.

Alternatively park the other way or what I'd do out of spite is to put a little oil on the front of the car when I parked it and see who's walking around or complains of having oil on their bum.

PilotMan > deekster_caddy
07/21/2015 at 17:12

I will try out the toner and camera tomorrow.

I’ll keep you guys updated.

Daily Drives a Dragon - One Last Lap > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:13

Wrap the hood in plastic and then put paint on it.

PilotMan > Svend
07/21/2015 at 17:14

I think I’m going to try some printer toner powder on the hood along with a GoPro doing the recording. I’m really temped to cover the hood with pepper spray to see what happens.

Svend > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:19

Nice. Just have a little fun with it but not too much. You park your car in the same spot so it's a sitting target should anything too serious happen.

Porsche924GTR > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:27

A new GoPro - or even one of the cheap knockoffs - support 32GB cards or higher. On a lower res setting you can get many hours of video. I use them for Endurance races and we get 4-6 hours on one card. Just go change the cards during your “Smoke Break”. Don’t forget to set the date/time.

One option - get video or just have it take pictures every few seconds. Once you nab the bastard - put a few pictures up around the office and break room. Hell - email them as well with a funny ass meme on it.

Other options - Go out there for your smoke break (smokers have a pretty standard routine). Bum a cigarette off him, make small talk about the tiny little Fiat - and how the owner probably doesn’t mind him leaning on it...then GO OFF on them. (could lead to a fight, but oh well).

Since you know the person, date and time - set off your car alarm every time they go outside.

PilotMan > Porsche924GTR
07/21/2015 at 17:33

I’m going to get the GoPro out tonight and play around with some time lapse settings, but only after I clean the car first.

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:33

take a day off, but go to work

wait for him in another part of the garage, in view of the fiat.

Then, set off your alarm when he sits on it. When he jumps off, run up yelling "GET OFF MY FIAT THERE'S A SCORPION IN IT!" and tell him if he does it again, the scorpion will eat him

PS9 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:37

Come in on a day off and wait somewhere close by and out of sight. When you see him get Juuuuuuust comfortable enough, come round the corner and blast him with a supersoaker filled with the following;

Vinegar

Black Dye

itching powder (dissolved of course)

lemon juice

syrup

The dye will ruin his clothes. The Vinegar and lemon juice will be super pungent. The itching poweder will irritate and the syrup will stick to him; he’ll scratch and scratch and scratch but it won’t entirely come off without a shower. “Remember that next time you decide to use someone else’s car as a seat”, you’ll say in your coolest movie voice. If he becomes violent, you are armed with a supersoaker filled with liquid. It’s heavy. Bash him with it.

Regardless of what happens, it’s doubtful he’ll want to sit on anyone’s car again after this.

PilotMan > PS9
07/21/2015 at 17:39

Extra points for creativity!

Mattbob > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:52

Dashcam to catch them and determine approximate time you need to go out and deliver a beating.

PS9 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 17:54

Forgot to mention; refridgerate the ingredients overnight. Make sure it’s ice cold when it hits him, he’ll jump right out of his skin when it does. ;)

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 18:08

Lame! Some people are really inconsiderate....from one FIAT fan to another, hoping you find the guy - I’ll keep an eye on your profile to see the outcome!!!

jester74 > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 18:19

not sure how a GoPro is powered but you could do that and hook it to this for all day juice (if it can handle USB power)

wiffleballtony > Snuze: Needs another Swede
07/21/2015 at 19:14

Bringing a firearm in this situation is guaranteed jail time if you use it.

deekster_caddy > PilotMan
07/21/2015 at 20:39

damn, can’t send it that far. I’m in Boston MA. But try it anyway!

Snuze: Needs another Swede > PilotMan
07/22/2015 at 08:35

I think this is a good place to start - I love the pepper spray idea but the more I think about it, the more I would caution against it. As a rational person, I think we can both agree, fuck this guy that’s messing with your car. But, if you go the pepper spray route and he has an allergic reaction to it and dies, or even has to go to the hospital and racks up a bunch of medical bills, some slick lawyer somewhere is going to talk to the family and you’re probably going to get sued. Even if they don’t win, it’s going to be a huge hassle for you. And then there’s the question of any criminal liability you may incur.

I bring this up because an old roommate of mine was allergic to pepper spray. We were in the Navy and he was working for the MPs, and one of the requirements is before you’re issued pepper spray, you need to get “sprayed” so you know what it’s like. They don’t actually spray you, they spray it on a towel and wipe it across your forehead and cheeks, and let you sizzle away. So he was fine at first, just miserable, but later that night started feeling really bad, so I raced him to the hospital. He was getting dizzy, and his pulse was racing and blood pressure was dropping - he was starting to go into anaphylactic shock. The doctors were very happy I brought him in when I did because they were able to stabilize him pretty easily since it wasn’t full on yet, but it definitely could have been a lot worse.

Stapleface-Now Hyphenated! > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 10:07

I just fell down the Kinja rabit hole and read your post. Did you ever catch the bastard that was sitting on your car?

PilotMan > Stapleface-Now Hyphenated!
01/08/2016 at 10:29

No and I never rigged up anything to severely maim the person either.

I did use a GoPro to do some monitoring but never saw anyone sit on the car again.

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 10:53

Can a gopro be plugged into a 9volt outlet to stay powered? Or just get a second battery and change it out at lunch.

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 10:55

I just swapped the battery at lunch, I set it up to take a pic every 15 seconds.

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 10:58

That should do it.

Is that the Abarth?

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 11:09

My DD Abarth, the happiest and angriest little car I’ve ever owned.

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 11:18

I can’t help but smile every time I hear one. I basically buy cars for their exhaust sounds anyway so this one is on my list. How has it been? I’m a 6ft fat kid but I think I’d like one if I can fit.

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 11:29

My office has three of them that we purchased three years ago this February. We got awesome deals, I bought mine for $17,600. They have been excellent little cars with absolutely no issues. As high strung turbo cars they do burn a bit of oil that you need to check for between oil changes. The Multiair motor is awesome, it is not direct injected so you don’t need to worry about dirty intake valves which is really nice. I’ve heard that you need to be careful of the syncros in the transmission, so I keep the clutch pushed in at stops and so on.

I’m 6' and 205, I fit fine. My business partner is 6'4" and 265 and he fits just fine too. He got a cloth top so that he has enough head room, he doesn’t like driving mine with the sunroof.

The hood is prone to paint chips because rocks hit it at such an angle. I would get a clear bra kit for the front end if buying new, get something that covers the whole hood.

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 11:33

I may have to go test drive one. Even at “full” price, they aren’t expensive.

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 11:42

This is the time of the year with end of year discounts and Fiat rebates. Search your local dealer for 2015 models, ask them what rebates they have available. We got about $5,000 off of MSRP in rebates but we had to finance through Chrysler and stay with them for six months. After those six months I switched to my credit union for financing at 2%. My monthly payment is ridiculously low.

Good luck!

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 11:46

My local dealer has some decent pricing posted online, this should give you an idea of what discounts are available right out of the box. At end of month you should be able to get another grand or two discounted.

http://www.fiatusaofsaltlakecity.com/new-inventory/…

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 11:46

I’m hoping they’re desperate to sell since this is the land of the Bro Truck. I see maybe 1 500 a day. Maybe.

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 11:50

My dealer is pretty cool to work with, I hope yours is too. My dealer actually shipped my car in from Denver because Denver wasn’t bothering to use the rebates.

they-will-know-my-velocity > PilotMan
01/08/2016 at 12:13

Mmm white and I’ll add the Martini livery across the mirror caps. I’m into it. Reasonably sure my girlfriend would try to kill me if I bought another loud manual car but...maybe this qualifies as “cute.”

PilotMan > they-will-know-my-velocity
01/08/2016 at 12:14

My wife loves it and tries to drive it as much as possible.