Not What I'd Planned

"BoulderZ" (BoulderZ) 07/01/2015 at 03:52 • Filed to: None

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Hello again, Oppo. I’m sorry there are no great pictures or links in this post to entice you. I’m very sorry I haven’t posted much. It’s busy being employed (in a wonderful job, I might say), husband, and Dad to a 2 year old. I do check in to read frequently. I just don’t get to post. This won’t be short. So, TL;DR, my brother was hit and killed by a drunk driver.

I’m writing this because this is the only venue I have open to me right now, and I’ve reached my limit, so to speak. It is car-related. My brother was hit and killed by a drunk driver on Saturday night while he was commuting home from work. He got me in to Z cars (the early 69 to 78 S30’s). He’s why I restored, own, and race my own ‘78 280Z. He got me in to cycling. He is (was? I’m not ready for this...) an all around wonderful brother, son, husband, father, brother-in-law, son-in-law, nephew, friend, and more.

I had stayed up until 12:30 AM to prep my car for a track day event, and left at about 5 AM (yes, that’s normal sleep quantity for me). There’s a large no-coverage area on the way to the track. I was well in to my set-up routine for getting my spot in the pits ready so I could concentrate on driving. I usually check my phone between finishing set-up and the first track outing, post a picture, check-in to FB or text my wife to say thanks for the day at the track. I was working on mounting my GoPro camera to share some video here when a friend found me and said the event director (another good friend) had received an urgent call from my wife. There was an emergency and I needed to call her immediately.

If you haven’t had this experience, let me give you some warning: that message is only ever some flavor of awful. My combat-veteran father told me there are only a few moments in your life that are truly life-or-death and you’ll know them when you get there. I am saddened by how often I re-discover how right he was about that. My first fear was something had happened to my wife and son. This actually makes me feel selfish now; it wasn’t either of them. She gave me the news that my brother was gone. My sister-in-law had been trying to call me while I was out of coverage. I had wisely walked out to the deserted part of the paddock to call my wife. Childishly, I kicked the shit out of a trash barrel. It was one of those plastic things, no real damage. Don’t you wish everything was made like Rubbermaid? I was glad I did it, but still oddly disappointed in how it didn’t actually help. Then I got to call my parents and give them the news. This is as terrible, and maybe more so, than you think it might be.

I was lucky to have some great friends at the track. I took some time to calm down and compose myself before making the drive home, during which I got a massive exhaust leak on the header/mid-pipe junction (pour some gasoline on the fire, why not?).

The saying is, “Don’t do something right if you don’t want to do it again.” I’m a scientist. I’m a very logical, calm, circumspect, rational person, and I have the reputation that goes with that. So, now I have to be The Man for coordinating my family, travel, services, and on and on. I don’t mind that; I’m good at it and I feel lucky to be able to help. My sister-in-law has the real work with their kids, the body handling, working with the investigator and medical examiner, the endless phone calls, and so on. They need some time to adjust to their new reality, and that process is not helped by extra media attention and people.

Unfortunately, and probably rightly so, media attention will be high on this. He happened to be a cyclist, and he was hit by a drunk who was caught and arrested at the scene with a good number of witnesses. Before all the sub-human trolls jump on: He always had all the lights and gear. Hell, a good portion over the years came by Christmas and birthday presents from us. He was always set for night commutes. He always wore a (new, in-spec) helmet. He lived “all the gear, all the time”. He was stopped at a traffic light (green for him) waiting for oncoming traffic to clear so he could turn left to go home to his wife and kids. He has (had? fuck, this is hard to adjust to...) done this for over 20 years without major issue. The drunk hit him from behind on the neighborhood street, going at a very high speed. His bike was found 50 to 75 feet away from his body, according to first responders. The report of how he suffered “massive heavy trauma”, to “his head, neck, torso, and extremities”, and the description of the blood on the street from one of the witnesses still makes me ill. They performed CPR on the scene, transported him to the trauma center, and worked on him for at least a half hour before they were sure he was gone. From the speed, and the from-behind hit, I doubt he ever heard or felt anything, though that hardly helps now. The suspect was arrested on the scene, ID’d by witnesses, and compelled to give a blood sample after declining a breath test (really, dude?). Charges include vehicular homicide.

To spare my sister-in-law, their kids, and my (immediate and extended) family, I volunteered to be point-of-contact for media. Understandably, the family’s not ready to do interviews, post anything, release information, or even make a post on Facebook. It’s only been a couple of days. There is an active and high profile investigation. I’ve handled the less-than-savvy relatives and their comments and needs to talk and vent. I’ve prowled the news sites comments sections to report the vile postings. I’ve reviewed the arrest and jail bookings to find the (alleged?) perpetrator and charges. And then I do it all again. And again. And again.

I’ve had my share of literally shitty jobs. I’ve mucked out stables. I’ve raked sewage sludge from dried cess pools. I’ve been the bag pick-up guy on garbage trucks. I have cleaned grease traps in a restaurant and parts washers in repair shops. I telemarketed home insecticide applications (yes, really). I have never felt more in need of a shower, and I can’t do a single thing about it. I can’t talk to any of my family or friends about this, because they’re not ready or equipped to deal with it and it’s my job to protect them from this filth in the first place. I can’t post anything on my own social networks or tell family or friends or colleagues as they might post something, and nothing can be released until it’s okay with the most immediate survivors. They deserve that much, at least. Outside of Oppo, all my accounts directly use my real name or are easily identifiable. I do that deliberately, as anonymity on the ‘net has proven itself to be overwhelmingly bad and I generally want no part of that. If I choose to say something, I like to own it by name. Oppo is the only exception, oddly. I just never went full name here.

So, I am using this opportunity to dump this here. I’m sorry. It really is my last resort. It is impossible, for me at least, to eat this much shit and remain calm and well behaved. Thanks for listening. It’ll get me some more time, anyway. I’m not convinced, even remotely, there’s anything good to be taken from this. If you can find some moral in this to make use of, more power to you.

Update: The drunk driver who killed my brother has been charged with vehicular homicide. That’s a Class A felony in that state, which has a maximum sentence of life. Apparently the numerous witnesses were very cooperative and helpful, allowing the investigator to build a great case with the prosecutors.

TheD0k_2many toys 2little time > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:01

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Wow that is incredibly hard to hear. Im very sorry for the loss that your family is feeling right now. I wish i knew what to say in order to help out but i dont. Just put one foot in front of the other.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:06

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I’m so sorry man, I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. I’m a cyclist and some days it scares the shit out of me. I know it’s no consolation to you but I hope the cuntbucket responsible is jailed for a long time, if only for the safety of other people on the roads.

Hopefully over time you can find peace. Sometimes there is no moral to be found, you just have to try and carry on as painful as that can be.

m2m, apex detective > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:15

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That’s a shit thing to happen ... and I’m sorry to hear that it did happen to you.

I dunno, man ... remember him well and see if you can learn something about it that will influence your life for the better. I’ll go get a coffee or something, you made me want to leave the computer for a moment.

I’ll check back later to see if you’ve written some more ... it’s really hard to process such a thing, and I don’t really know what to make of it as of this moment. Just makes you think.

Krieger (@FSKrieger22) > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:15

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I’m terribly sorry to hear about what you and your family have had to go through. I wish I could be of more use than what follows...

The nastiest parts of the internet that are frequented by many are news website comment sections. I know it’s tempting to report them all and hope that whoever manages commenting takes heed and deletes them, but doing so isn’t worth the toll just reading the comments will take on your sanity (already very stretched). Social media links are just as bad, if not worse. Just focus on telling what the media absolutely must know, and try to block out the (semi-)anonymous responses.

Arben72 > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:15

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We’re all with you here. Letting the anonymity of the Internet is a great way to express your feelings for your loss so don’t be worried about sharing. Don’t take it to hard on yourself. This wasn’t something you could’ve known about and expected at the track, and you or your family couldn’t have changed it from happening. Your a great person for taking up the responsibility with the media. I’m sorry for your loss.

Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:21

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This is awful, I honestly have nothing good to offer other than my condolences to you and your brother’s families. May he rest in peace, and may that drunker driver never get to operate any vehicle or even see the light of day ever again.

You’ll pull through this. Treasure your loved ones and live your life to the fullest. Be strong and keep on keeping on.

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 04:25

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sorry for your loss, just remember to talk to your family too. Sure you can spare them the details, but keeping this sort of pain inside isn’t good. You shouldn’t shoulder this all on your own.

Wheelerguy > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 05:36

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We, Opponauts United, are here for you, sir. I understand that no beautiful car can alleviate the pain, but rest assured that your brother’s soul arrives in the right hotel room at Godspeed.

Condolences, and long live your brother.

CalzoneGolem > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 06:29

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This actually makes me feel selfish

Please. Please. Don’t believe this. Those two should always be first.

philipilihp > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 06:40

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I’m so sorry for your loss. If anything I hope sharing this here had made you feel just a tiny bit better and encourage you to do that as often as you need. If you need to vent, Oppo is a good spot full of supportive people.

There will always be cowardly douches on the internet in comment sections, try to just ignore them. By reading and reporting then you are just burdening yourself with too much negativity. Stay positive, stay strong man!

orcim > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 06:53

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Oh, shit. I hate this because it’s so hard. And, at the same time, recognize that it’s, on some level, normal.

My landmates lost their baby in utero - I got to hold it after forced delivery. My father is a medical mess: strokes, heart attacks, lymphoma, dementia. I’ve known people (good friend, family) dying of cancer over and over for the past 10 years (‘cause I’m older) and that number is in the 10’s.

Fucking life. Brilliant life. Who knows?

None of that matters to you at this point, I expect. And shouldn’t. Your brother is dead. Period.

The only thing I can offer, and it comes from the only funerals I’ve attended which are Buddist in nature, is “what does the event mean to you?” What’s the take away from the memory, the event, the consequences? What’s it mean to you, personally? After almost 60 years, there isn’t any other question concerning crazy ass situations like this....reactions and triggers don’t serve - only learning.

Hopefully - anything I just said helps. It was meant to help, and if it didn’t, I apologize. Internets are bad for this shit. What I can offer is a simple prayer for health and happiness (the *only* thing you should ever pray for, for *anyone*) for your brother. Health and happiness isn’t restricted to the meat puppets in my view. (But I’m a weirdo, so.. with a grain of salt.)

XJDano > BoulderZ 07/01/2015 at 23:45

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sorry to hear of your family’s loss. I didn’t get a chance to comment earlier in the day, but I did want to say that I read it and I can not imagine the emotions your family is going through.

Stay strong. Keep your head up.

BoulderZ > Wheelerguy 07/02/2015 at 03:29

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Thank you, loved this comment.

BoulderZ > Krieger (@FSKrieger22) 07/02/2015 at 03:36

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What happened to my post? Kinja’d. Short version: concentrating on getting the worst out of sight of the widow and some other family members. The blackout on any info release is limiting my resources from friends and family where social media is the only viable link. Trying to keep my head above... let’s call that water, shall we?

BoulderZ > CalzoneGolem 07/02/2015 at 03:42

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Hi CG, thanks for the note! It was weird. I felt relief (Yay! Not my wife or kid!), then felt selfish (Gee, that wasn’t nice...), then bad for feeling selfish (Hey, that’s how that works...), then dumb for feeling bad for feeling selfish for feeling relieved. I managed to make myself feel like a jackass in at least 4 ways in less than a few seconds. I’ve had less whiplash from snap over corrections.

BoulderZ > m2m, apex detective 07/02/2015 at 03:44

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Thanks! It does make me think. He did everything right, but it just isn’t a guarantee. You can work hard and do the right thing, but it just is not a deterministic world.

BoulderZ > philipilihp 07/02/2015 at 03:45

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Thanks! So far, it’s been manageable. I only need to last another few weeks on that task, I think. It really did help to post here. Sometimes shouting in to the hurricane is just the right thing.

BoulderZ > Arben72 07/02/2015 at 03:48

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Thank you! It is hard to stop the creeping thoughts (“maybe if I’d called him earlier, he’d have picked up, delaying his commute enough to miss the drunk speeding guy, and...”), but I know better than to go down that rabbit hole, fortunately. I’m surprised how many times it pops up, though. “Oh, what if I...”, “Seriously, this again?”

BoulderZ > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 07/02/2015 at 03:49

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Thanks! Hoping to have some family resources more available as the immediacy passes and the info blackout relaxes. I can contain for awhile, but not indefinitely.

BoulderZ > Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. 07/02/2015 at 03:52

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Thanks! Yes, it really is frightening how little attention is often paid to important tasks, like driving. This one was really bad. Sure, my brother was on a bike; but, the outcome would have been the same in anything much short of an MRAP. The closing speed and impact were colossal.

BoulderZ > Toyota Sucks Lots Of Sausages 07/02/2015 at 03:54

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Thank you. Honestly, the condolences and my being able to write a bit here helped a lot. I’m ready for a few more rounds.

BoulderZ > XJDano 07/02/2015 at 03:55

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Thank you. Doing our best, and that’s pretty good. It’s kind of a roller coaster, oddly.

BoulderZ > TheD0k_2many toys 2little time 07/02/2015 at 03:56

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Thanks, your note is actually helpful, and I appreciate it. We’re making our way forward.

BoulderZ > orcim 07/02/2015 at 03:57

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Thanks! Actually, I really liked your note, and found it helpful. Thanks again.

CalzoneGolem > BoulderZ 07/02/2015 at 08:08

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I can sure understand that feeling. It’s like your emotions are being overloaded and you’re trying to feel everything at once.

m2m, apex detective > BoulderZ 07/02/2015 at 09:00

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I’m not so much the carpe diem or “no regrets” guy myself, but whenever someone dies due to a seemingly random situation, I’m inclined to think about priorities in life. There’s certainly stuff you want to do within a lifespan ... so it’s a good thing you seem well underway with wife and kids (and cars, mind you) already.

Just make sure you get what you need for your own life to feel right.

BoulderZ > BoulderZ 07/28/2015 at 02:18

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To all the commenters and star-clickers: thank you for your support. I’m back from the first round of travel, memorial services, and so forth. By no means did it all go perfectly, but it went about as well as could be reasonably expected. My brother was well loved by many, so there are a lot of people dealing with great loss in their own way. We’re now in to what looks like 1 to 2 years of legal proceedings between criminal and civil cases against the drunk driver (29-year-old living with his parents, on their insurance, driving their car). The next step is setting the trial dates, first round of negotiations in a few weeks. The PD and prosecutors are really on top of it (as much as they can be with DUI in the US, anyway), fortunately. Meanwhile, I need to help with disposition of a large amount of parts and projects that you’d expect with the life of a car/project guy cut short. The fallout from this will be large and long. I guess I know what my plans are for awhile.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > BoulderZ 08/28/2015 at 02:04

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Damn, Im so sorry. I cant imagine what youre going through. I know this is over a month late (I too have been incredibly busy and have missed alot on Oppo as of late) But if you ever need anything, you have my number.

BoulderZ > Denver Is Stuck In The 90s 08/28/2015 at 02:06

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Thanks, Denver! I may take you up on that. We’re in for a long and bumpy ride on this one. First two rounds of court have been the various sides getting everything lined up. I certainly don’t want it rushed, but the waiting is truly agonizing. Some days are okay, some very bad.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > BoulderZ 08/28/2015 at 02:24

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Please do. I’m here if you need anything.