Chevy's Emoji Press Release for the 2016 Cruze, Translated

"SonorousSpeedJoe" (SonorousSpeedJoe) 06/23/2015 at 16:00 • Filed to: Chevrolet Cruze

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Chevy released the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! of it’s emoji press release from yesterday. Basically, the next-gen Cruze will have more tech (i.e. it’ll be the first compact car with Apple CarPlay and Android Auto) and get more MPG; it’ll go on sale next spring.

Jonathan Harper > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:04

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I can only imagine that Chevy’s marketing team are actually just a bunch of emojis.

LongbowMkII > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:10

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Sounds good if it is the base model. Probably isn’t though.

and 100 more > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:13

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#WeWantToRemainRelevantToMillenials

Funktheduck > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:17

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Still can’t touch my 3.

/fanboy

TheHondaBro > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:17

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I gotta say, they’re doing a great job of making their cars look like Hondas. I saw the new Impala a few times recently, and it looked so much like an Accord I couldn’t even.

deekster_caddy > TheHondaBro 06/23/2015 at 16:21

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Seriously. The new Cruze and Impala (and Volt) look just like Hondas.

dogisbadob > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:23

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still has the stupid tacky black plastic thing :(

Nibbles > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 16:27

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Metropolitan homeless musicians, stop. Like night and day, (night and day,) the time for theater is anew so drive out, eat some breakfast and make some love. Switching lanes while texting, bowling with architects, and putting gasoline in unapproved containers are fine if you’re a cyclist. Like new bread, clothing and ladies products are for sale online; tell your children. Go see your uncle Larry - he’s drunk again - tell him about your new car and your new job and how you’re saving the world.

Architects: Strong, able and great lovers.

Signal: Can BSOD all your devices, God loves Nascar and hates book learnin’. Go make love to your iphone. Be sure to cum three times. Stick your junk in the CD slot and wait for the music to start.

Airlines: For paperboys, latinas, housekeeping and Sarah Palin.

Gas: 2015 prices are good but will skyrocket for San Francisco later so buy now! Set your alarm for multiple times so you can wake up and watch the stock market tumble.

Caution: Everybody farts.

soon.jpg

There are too many cars on this planet.

Your car likes sunny days, stargazing, long walks on the beach, mountain climbing and staying out all night! Pay your bills online and make love to a rollercoaster - it’s great.

Scope out that M1911 and tag homeless musicians on pinterest, stop. Everyone should wear a bowtie. Bowties are cool.

Matthew Phillips > dogisbadob 06/23/2015 at 17:27

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You mean a B-pillar that doesn't fade in white blotches in seven years ?

dogisbadob > Matthew Phillips 06/23/2015 at 17:32

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no, the C-pillar, that stuipd black thing behind the back door windows

Alex B > Funktheduck 06/23/2015 at 20:07

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It never will! Hahaha

That Bastard Kurtis - An Attempt to Standardize My Username Across Platforms > SonorousSpeedJoe 06/23/2015 at 21:25

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I read that press release as “well, I’m never buying a Chevy again”.