Totally not car related... People Suck, family edition

"Chairman Kaga" (mike-mckinnon) 04/27/2015 at 12:32 • Filed to: None

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I’ve written about my emotionally unbalanced MiL previously.

Things have escalated.

She has decided to cut off my wife, and therefore our entire family, because my wife doesn’t call her every day, and also because she refuses to become a Tea Party member, which she assumes is a personal slight.

Fine. Whatever. She cuts off my wife at least twice a year.

Except this time, she’s cut off my daughter. Her granddaughter. Her fourth birthday is today. We had grandparents drive 800 miles to be here this past weekend for her party. Everyone sent gifts and cards.

Except for my wife’s mother.

Nothing. No call. No card. No gift. Not even a Facebook like of the party photos. And yes, she was invited. Personally.

I dunno. This morning I was so livid that I decided I’d write her a letter. An old-fashioned, written by hand, sent through the postal service letter. I don’t care if she writes us out of her will. Ignores us for the rest of her days. But to cut off her four-year old granddaughter is fucking unconscionable. What sort of human being does that?

Should I? How would you handle it? I’m normally a let it go kind of guy, but this is simply too much and too far. I’ll give her a week.

Infuriating.

Here’s a wallpaper-sized picture of a Porsche 917K to compensate your time.

E92M3 > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:36

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She sounds like my mom. I don’t call her because you have to analyze everything you say beforehand, because you never know what she will take the wrong way or offensive.

G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3 > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:36

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If someone treats you this badly, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Just my $0.02

random001 > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:37

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I had a not quite so similar, but sort of similar issue with my parents. They would not butt out and leave me be, telling me all the things I did that were wrong. So I cut them out. They caved after 6 months of not hearing a peep from me, but it was hard. I mean, it's family, man... In this situation, I might just accept it and take the hard line. If you hear nothing back, just try to keep your wife from contacting her at all. Take her off facebook, isolate the problem and see if the MiL figures out how much she's losing out after a bit. If not, much as it sucks, doesn't sound like a total loss. Sorry, man. Family issues really bite.

505Turbeaux > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:39

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don’t even fan the flames - as much as you feel the need to tell her how you feel about it. The best thing you can do here is talk to your wife, and have her cease reaching out to communicate to her mother until she apologizes or gets over it. It isn’t your fight or your wife’s, rather sounds like an ongoing battle in her moms head. Time needs to be had to cool down. I feel awful for your daughter, mine are constantly caught up in the fact my mother wont be in the same TOWN as my father after they divorced, nor will my sister. I just invite anyone and let the shit lay down as it will. Besides, your daughter needs nothing of this level of crazy dampening her special day.

Imirrelephant > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:39

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Wow. Just wow. I haven’t caught any of you previous rants about her so I don’t know if she has any diagnosed/undiagnosed issues, but she sounds like a self absorbed bitch. Cutting off a 4 year old granddaughter and ignoring her birthday? Classy...

You have my sympathies.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:40

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well dont do anything that will piss off your wife. i’m assuming she hurt and you dont want to be in the middle of that. You could take a shit and UPS it to her but that probably wont help. I’d have a beer and he happy I dont have to deal with her again. I understand the kids innocent in all this and that would piss me off but it might not be worth it to escalate things.

Brian, The Life of > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:42

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Kaga, life is too short to deal with this kind of insanity. Assuming there is money in the mix; please don’t let that sway what you know is right. This woman does not deserve to have your family in her life. She is obviously a shallow, controlling person to take the position she has. Walk away, sever all contact. Ultimately, it is she who will be filled with regret and will attempt to win back a relationship. When the time comes, do it on your own terms (well, yours and your wife’s). This is an old story and it always turns out the same, just don’t blink.

Mattbob > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:43

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tell MiL that you told your kid she was dead. That might shock her into being less of a bitch.

Converse > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:44

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Wow. Definitely unacceptable. Your family is all you have and when they screw with emotions, it’s nearly unforgivable.

It’s almost best to move forward w/o her before your daughter is old enough to remember the whole ordeal. This happened in a way with my family when my brother was too young to remember. He just doesn’t know who the people are when we talk about that side of the family. Much better than him remembering and feeling the pain too.

Then again, if it can be patched up, it would be for the best. But, it takes both sides. You guys can’t be the only ones on that emotional rollercoaster.

Chairman Kaga > Converse 04/27/2015 at 12:47

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She has untreated bipolar and borderline personality disorders, but believes everyone else is sick in the head and she’s the only one who can see the truth. There’s no conversation to be had with her until she gets help.

crowmolly > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:48

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How does your wife handle it?

Also, happy birthday to your little girl!

OPPOsaurus WRX > E92M3 04/27/2015 at 12:50

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i get that too. mine was all pissed off cuz i didn;t want to toss my (2) 2 y/o with strep throat in a car to go out for dinner that was 2 hours away. just coming to my house for takeout wasn;t exciting enough or something. ended up being fine evening. one of the kids passed out on the couch at 6 so it would have bee a blast to have that go on in a restarant an hour away

Flat Six > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:52

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Sorry, that is really a sucky situation. She sounds crazy - in some ways isn’t it a good thing to not have that crazy around your kids? Does your daughter actually care? If not, it seems more like your MIL’s loss rather than anybody else’s.

My kids (4 and 9) pretty much hate my inlaws. My inlaws aren’t bad people or crazy but there is something that is just incredibly dorky, annoying, and awkward about them that causes my kids (and my dad for that matter) to instinctively be mean to them, especially the 4 year old. It is a lot of hassle trying to get everybody to behave and be respectful.

Converse > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:53

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That’s rough. I guess the only thing to do is push/force her into treatment. But, if I recall correctly, one attribute of both of those disorders is a propensity to not take their medication.

I don’t envy you, that’s for sure. Untreated and not undiagnosed does give you the opportunity to explain it to your daughter in the future as to why grandma is in and out and that she is sick and it has nothing to do with your daughter at all.

Chairman Kaga > 505Turbeaux 04/27/2015 at 12:55

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My wife has already taken that step. She’s starting a support group for children of parents with borderline personality and/or bipolar disorder. Her mom is an ace at making everyone around her believe that whatever is wrong is their fault, and I’m worried that if any relationship is reestablished she’ll pull the same insanity with my daughter, who has no way to defend against it. She’s already started planting the seeds that her parents are silly and naive for not being Tea Partiers. The kid doesn’t even comprehend the concept of a nation, much less politics. Her takeaway is that we’re dumb and her grandmother is smart, so she shouldn’t pay any attention to us!

So in a way, I do think this is my fight because my daughter is beginning to get caught up in her crazy. She even asked if her grandmother was coming to her party. We just explained she couldn’t, which she wasn’t happy about but she did accept it.

Bottom line, I don’t want them to have a relationship if she’s objectively crazy. I don’t think she’ll ever get the help she needs, so... Yeah. Maybe I just let it go. But my wife and I are definitely having ongoing conversations about how to handle it. The impetus to write a letter just came about this morning when my daughter asked again if she’d see her grandmother since it was her birthday. Sometimes I just don’t know how to explain the reality of the world to her. Sometimes I don’t want to ever have to...

WiscoProud > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 12:59

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Does your wife feel the same way? If so, cut her off on your end. By letting her come back time and time again, you're showing her she has the power. I'm generally a forgiving person, but I wouldn't let her see my daughter after that. Maybe revisit in a year or so, but cut that bitch out of your lives, it will make you all happier in the end. (i.e. delete and block from facebook as well)

MylesD > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 13:09

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I have nearly the exact same problem, though no kids yet. Present your issues with her in a clear, concise, respectful manner but don’t pussy foot around it. Seems like you’re doing that with the letter so, props! Eventually, you can’t try to use reason and logic with someone who doesn’t speak that language. God speed.

EDIT - just saw the bipolar and borderline personality part. Yep, this is what I'm dealing with as well.

CB > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 13:10

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I don’t think having her in your life is worth the time of day, and I don’t think writing a letter would be worth it. Talk with your wife about whether or not you’ll be the ones who reestablish communication, and if her mother eventually tries to get back into your life, what your response will be.

Also, happy birthday to mini Chairman Kaga!

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 13:14

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Sometimes bridges are burned for very good reasons.

My opinion is that yes, cut her out of your life, your wife, on the other hand will have to decide that for herself what she wants. You have the right to decide what is best for you and your kids. I, too, have a crazy in-law to deal with, fortunately mine live on the other side of the planet, so the amount of bullshit I have to deal with from his drunken ass is minimal.

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 13:35

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I had a similar experience with my Mom’s mother. My grandmother was convinced my mom and my aunt were trying to put her into a home and take their assets. She was malicious and evil in their dealings with her, and dragged my grandfather into it as well. He would not listen to reason when my aunt tried numerous times to tell him it was all untrue.

As a result of her crazed hatred, she and my grandfather were not invited to my wedding, and my mother and my sister and myself are not in the will. She did leave everything to one of my cousins, who is actually a good person and will do great job of handling their assets.

Turns out my grandmother had early-onset dementia and Alzheimer’s. She’s still a terrible person, and treats my grandfather like shit, but it’s very hard to be mad at her when she’s not all there anymore. My mom and our family are talking with them again, and my mom is doing her best to make the remain time she has go well.

I know it’s not the same as your situation, and your MiL sounds like a real piece of work, but there may be underlying causes for her behavior. Or, she could just be a total bitch...

Snuze: Needs another Swede > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 13:57

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This is a tough one, but I’ll give you my advice as someone who is a pretty reasonable human but has no kids and relatively normal in-laws.

First thing is talk it over with your wife. It’s her mom so I think she bears a lot of responsibility here. I don’t mean this to dump on her and not trying to say it’s solely her problem, but it is her mother. I’ll give you a quick anecdote - my wife’s brother’s wife hates my in-laws and it bothers them. They try to be nice but any little thing they do she flips about. But what’s worse is, he doesn’t say or do anything about it. I think that’s the part that really tears them beyond being treated so bad is that it comes from her, not him, and he doesn’t do anything about it. So what I’m trying to say is, you’re going to get 2 different reactions depending on where things get handled by you or your wife. This is just something to keep in mind.

You still have a very important job, and that is to be supportive, keep a level head, and reach a plan you can both execute and live with. If that means cut off all contact, then that’s what it is. But you have to make sure you’re both onboard with it and it’s something you can both live with. Along with that, I think the important thing is to present a unified front to your child. It won’t work if you try to explain one thing to her and your wife is saying something different/opposite. So try to stay consistent.

It really sucks that your MiL is acting like this - family is really important. But toxic situations like this are bad for everyone (re: her brainwashing your daughter to join the Tea Party) and she has no right to use your child against you, amongst other things. If this has been happening repeatedly, it may be time to end all contact for a while and see what happens. She may get help and turn things around, or she may not. You have no control over that but you have to do what’s best for your family, especially your little girl. It sucks, but it’s better that than repeatedly exposing your daughter to your MiL’s behavior. Another anecdote - my dad’s parents both came from homes that were “ruled” by angry and abusive people. They both basically decided to cut ties with their parents (my great grandparents) and they wound up having a wonderful life together. Their siblings who stayed behind, were for the most part, not so lucky.

Most importantly, Happy Birthday to your daughter!

thebigbossyboss > Brian, The Life of 04/27/2015 at 14:02

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Boom. This ^^^^

Rico > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 14:16

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I’d tell her to eat a dick. Don’t worry your daughter isn’t missing out on hanging out with kookie ol’ grandma and besides keep someone that’s unstable AWAY from your daughter. She will likely try to milk your daughter for info regarding you and your wife and will likely bad mouth the both of you to her (ask me how I know).

You and your family are better off just ignoring her and her childish behavior.

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 16:25

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because my wife doesn’t call her every day, and also because she refuses to become a Tea Party member, which she assumes is a personal slight.

I don’t mean this sarcastically, does your MiL have mental issues of some sort?

Or perhaps just knowledge issues regarding everyone who grows up to be an adult can do and believe as they please? I realize this can also be turned as an argument for your MiL, but any reasonable person should realize that adults can make their own damn decisions. The fact that your wife doesn’t call her every day and has different political beliefs being used as grounds to end a relationship with her 4 year old granddaughter is inexcusable.

Chairman Kaga > Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) 04/27/2015 at 16:49

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She has all of the symptoms of bipolar and borderline personality disorders. So yes. Probably.

Galileo Humpkins (aka MC Clap Yo Handz) > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 16:56

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Ah, well that makes it a little more delicate. I’d say have a discussion with the Mrs and devise a game-plan for discussions with the MiL. Focusing on the relationship that you guys want your daughter to have with all her grandparents might get somewhere.

wafflesnfalafel > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 19:30

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My sister-in-law has a situation very similar to what you describe with her husband’s mother. Spends money on the other grand kids but not theirs. Invites the other grand kids to events, camping, holidays, but not theirs. And it’s not like my niece and nephew are terrible - quite the opposite - they are much better adjusted than the rest of the family. It’s just one of those, “she is crazy so don’t throw good money after bad” type situations and they simply have stopped communicating with her. Good luck - don’t let it burn you out.

dr861 > Chairman Kaga 04/27/2015 at 21:02

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You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. She’s probably not going to change at this point, so writing the letter would probably do nothing except make you feel better about the situation. It’s apparent that contact with her family is not something she’s is concerned with, otherwise she would have taken the time to wish your daughter a happy birthday in some way. This just proves that all she cares about is herself. If that means having money and being alone, she’ll find out that’s a miserable life and may come crawling back, or she may be so bitter that she’d let the rest of her life slip by without trying.

My advice? If it’s about her, then make it about her. Use her own behavior as prime examples of why you don’t speak to each other, and if she never gets it, than let her go, because she won’t get any better. None of this is your fault, or your wife’s, and if she’s not willing to work on herself, then there’s nothing to talk about.

Shiftright > Chairman Kaga 05/01/2015 at 17:37

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Tea Party explains it all