Life has been hitting me hard

"GeorgeyBoy" (georgeyboy) 04/08/2015 at 12:52 • Filed to: None

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Visited my parents for Easter. My dad started having bad chest pains/shortness of breath. I couldn't get him to go the er, but I got him to go to the doctors. Guess they found something and he's going for a catheterization. I'm feeling pretty guilty of all the times I ditched him and didn't talk to him. I suggest you guys talk or spend some time with the important people in your life, before it might be too late.

ACESandEIGHTS > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:00

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That's life, I suppose. At least you never wrote him off. That's the unforgivable sin—living as if some family member you've had a disagreement with never existed.

The sad thing is it's very, very difficult not to have a pile of regrets at the end. So your advice is sound... there's no way to make up for lost time, so you're better off having a handful of good memories over the years.

$kaycog > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:03

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That's excellent advice. I hope your dad is going to be okay.

Textured Soy Protein > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:05

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Totally feel your pain. My gf's dad died 2 days after xmas. He had lung cancer and had been rushed to the hospital a couple days beforehand. We spent the holiday in the ICU mostly.

My gf sometimes feels guilty for not spending more time with him before he left, because she quit her job to take care of him but it ended up that with the extended notice she gave her employer, he died only a couple weeks after she finally left the job.

Don't beat yourself up about missed opportunities. He's still around now, spend time with him while you've got him, and I'm sure he'll know how you feel towards him.

Stapleface-Now Hyphenated! > ACESandEIGHTS 04/08/2015 at 13:08

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While agree you should always be the bigger person, some times I think it's justified.

As a case in point, my wife's father left them when she was about 10 years old. She hasn't had any contact with him since, and honestly couldn't care less if he was alive or not. In this instance, he made his choice, and now he has to live with it.

505Turbeaux > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:08

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I will tell you a story about not talking to your parents for half a decade, and how I came to terms with it. My parents were both assholes, I was the one to take the brunt of the back and forth in the matter. My sister was insulated from it. My dad cheated on my mom for 8 years with my best friends mom before getting "caught", although my mom was fully aware of it the whole time. I mean like right in front of peoples faces. In the boy scouts and my dad and her would both be "scout leaders" and sneak into each others tents kind of fucked up while all our friends were aware shit. And because I was privy to this my mom thought I was just the most fucked up person ever. Then they would lie and be jerks to me about each other..."your mom was a lesbian with this person, which is why I cheated" - "your dad and you are the same person"

Okay, so they got divorced, I was still in the middle of it till I went to college. Then I told them both to fuck off, and then I moved out of state after school. A whole 5 years went by without a peep to either one of them, or them to me (they didnt even have my address, and even when I visited home they didnt know). I moved back to New England and was getting married, so I figured I would bury the hatchet and reach out. Found out my mom had dealt with ovarian cancer while I was gone and my dad was pretty damn close to a heart attack if he didn't lose some weight. I told them both if you bring up the other one I was out and it might not ever be repairable. They both showed up for my wedding, and then wouldn't be in the same room ever again - mostly on my moms side but whatever - their bad for not being a bigger part of my kids life because of long dead animosity. I finally realized how much I had missed in their life, but I was pretty fucked up in the head for a long time before I left, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have very good relationships with them now, probably better than when I was growing up.

Moral of this all is, don't ever feel bad for time apart or not talking to your rents. Time away can be the best thing you ever did for them or you. All is well. Be well and I hope your pops comes out alright

ACESandEIGHTS > Stapleface-Now Hyphenated! 04/08/2015 at 13:15

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True. If she doesn't care, and he probably has no feelings towards the situation, that's probably a different story. Aich. That's sad in any event.

GeorgeyBoy > 505Turbeaux 04/08/2015 at 13:17

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Great advice, thank you.

asindhidude > $kaycog 04/08/2015 at 13:17

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the ok news: usually they do a cath if they are not sure, just to be certain nothing bad is cooking. if it was really concerning , they would have done procedure straight from the ER.

GeorgeyBoy > Textured Soy Protein 04/08/2015 at 13:18

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Definitely not looking forward to end of life care, whenever it happens. Especially being an only child.

505Turbeaux > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:18

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you bet, I have to get that one off my chest once in a while...

Snuze: Needs another Swede > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 13:18

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That's good that you were at least able to get him to a doctor. I hope he's going to be okay.

$kaycog > asindhidude 04/08/2015 at 13:18

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That sounds encouraging. Thanks!

Textured Soy Protein > 505Turbeaux 04/08/2015 at 13:37

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I spent a good 3 years or so not talking to my mom. She's crazy and the last straw for me was a particularly horrible Thanksgiving where she did many, many irritating things that made no sense whatsoever.

The trip began in Denver where we were visiting my uncle. The night before Thanksgiving with her being overly particular about a custom order in a restaurant and asking for a plain piece of steamed fish, then storming out of the restaurant when our food arrived, with no explanation. My dad went after her and about 10 minutes later they returned—she had walked out because she thought there was like the faintest wisp of some kind of butter or oil on the fish, when she had specifically asked for a plain steamed piece of fish. The waitress and manager spent the next 15 minutes convincing her to let them re-cook the fish, and when the second attempt arrived, she turned to me and asked me if I thought it looked like butter on it. I was about ready to slap her.

Several more incidents happened, but for sake of brevity I'll skip to the end.

Back at my folks in DC, where there was no food in the house, and my mom was upstairs on her own. My dad and I had cheese & crackers and scotch, because those were literally the only edible things in the house. My mom came downstairs around 6, announced "I'm going to the grocery store to find some food I can eat," didn't consult with either of us about what we wanted to do about dinner, then drove off. An hour and a half later she returned, and announced that she had gone to 3 different grocery stores because she couldn't find anything she wanted at the first two, and now she had steaks and other stuff, all of which needed to be prepped and cooked.

My first thought was "did it not occur to you that maybe after grocery store #1 or #2 not having food you like that MAYBE YOU'D CALL US TO SEE IF WE'RE HUNGRY before continuing your quest?" but all I said was "man it's already 7:30 and we have to start cooking from scratch?" She slammed the steaks down on the counter, said "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, TOO FUCKING BAD!" and stormed upstairs.

It turned into a huge argument which included a moment where she got in her car and wanted to leave, and my dad took a pick axe off the wall in the garage and was brandishing it in the direction of her car. I had to grab him like, "ok dad, put down the pick axe and let her drive off." So she left, but then they argued more on the phone, eventually she came back, and I tried to sit her down and describe the many types of undesirable behavior she does on a regular basis and explain why it's so frustrating.

She also got offended that during all of this kerfuffle, I left to go to the Wendy's drive thru because I was still starving, as if I was supposed to sit around and wait for her to cook.

My flight back to Madison wasn't til 5 pm the next day so I spent most of it with my grandparents at their retirement community. She locked herself in my sister's room (who wasn't there) the whole day. Shortly after I returned to Madison, I started receiving "fuck you" boxes of all my childhood stuff that had been in their basement. So I didn't talk to her for a good long while.

She was the one who started reaching out a few years later. I talk to her some, but it's kind of a mix of her doing the same annoying habits (the most frequent of which is reciting conversations she's had with other people word for word, so annoying) and kissing my ass because she knows she's the one who screwed up.

Parents man, parents.

505Turbeaux > Textured Soy Protein 04/08/2015 at 13:44

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hol-ey wow man. That is some shit right there. Oddly enough the last time I talked to my mother before my hiatus was also Thanksgiving in 1997, freshman year of college. My father had just married his lover of many years - still is odd enough - the month before, so tensions were high. I was home and trying to balance this new idea of Turkey day split between 2 houses, and I was late to the one my mom was having at her best friends house. I was late because that was the last one I had to be at. I walk in, everyone (20 people I knew somewhat, my grandparents, and my sister) was just sitting down to eat.

Ah perfect timing I say

505 you are such an asshole, of course you would think that is perfect timing when you should have been here an hour ago, you are just like your asshole father

Walked out, didnt look back for a long time

Trevor Slattery, ACTOR > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 14:19

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My sister died in 2009 at age 44. I am now the only child. I just purchased a larger home and moved my elderly parents in with me. My dad is in the late stages of Alzheimer's.

It sucks bad my friend. I tell my kids once a week I will try and have a heart attack or stroke and go quickly. How my dad is going out is totally undignified and not fitting for a man who had to suffer through segregation and military service.

DrScientist > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 14:56

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if they didn't say the words "heart attack" my assumption is they found partial occlusion of a coronary artery, likely by an ekg. the technical term for what he experienced is unstable angina.

the catheterization procedure will likely include angioplasty (the balloon) to expand the artery and stent placement (a scaffold left behind) that will maintain the artery opening. he will then begin drug treatment for at least a year to keep a blood clot from forming in that area.

your dad is lucky in that advances in the management of coronary artery disease have provided many many many more years of quality life to many many many patients. the current risk of another heart attack, a stroke, or death after this procedure followed by drug therapy is less than 10% over the next year and a half.

if you want to sound smart, and you happen to be with your dad during consultation with the cardiologist and interventionalist, ask what they think about maintaining the drug therapy for more than 1 year. there is recent data demonstrating a significant benefit to maintaining this drug up to 2.5 years (i think 2.5) over stopping the drug at 1 year. the benefit is reduced risk of heart attack, but allows the possibility for other potential adverse effects. the decision to maintain therapy beyond 1 year will depend on his overall risk and should be discussed with his doctors.

good luck, and don't worry too much. these procedures are common practice these days.

GeorgeyBoy > DrScientist 04/08/2015 at 16:54

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Great info, thanks. Really wish I would've took him to the e.r. Sunday looking back. My grandpa had a history of heart problems, seeing him with chest pain was common and a non event (amazingly that's not what killed him).

Not sure entirely what's going on considering he didn't say much. I got him an appointment as soon as a could, (cardiologist being my best friend's dad).

Will see, maybe will hear the full story if I can get a hold of my mom...

GeorgeyBoy > Trevor Slattery, ACTOR 04/08/2015 at 17:04

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That's terrible, I wish you all the best.

My grandparents pretty much raised me, neither went out easy. I learned a lot from the experience but I don't think anything can fully prepare you to handle your parents. That's life I guess.

Manic Otti > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 17:30

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I wouldn't kick yourself. At least you have a good enough relationship with him that you feel this way. BTW, I know people that had really serious heart attacks and still lived 10-20+ years afterward.

Manic Otti > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 17:33

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Yeah, one of my parent's I lost suddenly, the other was a long slow gradual decline. Not sure which was worse. It was both bad, in different ways.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > GeorgeyBoy 04/08/2015 at 19:21

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You should feel good that you got him to go to the doctor. And now because of it, he's getting the medical attention he needs.

And don't worry about the times you ditched him. That's in the past.

I'm sure he still loves you and I'm sure he understands.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Textured Soy Protein 04/08/2015 at 19:29

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That sounds like some sort of mental illness going on there with your mom. If I was in your place, I would be tempted to hire a 'friend' who just happened to be either a psychologist or psychotherapist and go over for a visit and have him/her observe her behaviour and see what they make of it.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > 505Turbeaux 04/08/2015 at 19:32

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"505 you are such an asshole, of course you would think that is perfect timing when you should have been here an hour ago, you are just like your asshole father"

As a divorced father, that is TERRIBLE and IMMATURE divorced parent behaviour.

I'm lucky my Ex-wife never pulled anything like that (to my knowledge).

Mind you I never married a lover after getting split up...

505Turbeaux > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 04/08/2015 at 19:45

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yeah it was horrid stuff man. I got lucky when I got divorced, bitch packed 2 suitcases and moved out of state. Came back for court, never saw her again. My ex-not-wife and mother of my children I am still friends with, due to my parents bullshit and her parents still married and hating each other. So we keep it cool, it is a little weird but it works

Textured Soy Protein > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 04/08/2015 at 22:57

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Oh, she's spent plenty of time with mental health professionals.