Gym Rats And What They Drive

"flying lap" (flyinglap) 03/17/2015 at 09:34 • Filed to: None

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Every morning I drink a French press. Coffee in it's purest form, no filters, no bullshit. It's the best way to directly inject caffeine into my bloodstream, similar to shooting heroin when snorting it doesn't quite cut-the-mustard. During my caffeine infused high, on ocassion, instead of my usual routine of googling Lil Wayne's net worth, or bitting my toe nails, I head to the gym for a half-ass workout and some high quality people watching. Ya, I can tell exactly what you drive with some keen profiling. So, without further ado....

Steroid Abuser Guy - A forklift operator by day, and small time juice dealer by night. Also works weekends as a gay (but not gay, he only does it for the money) soft-core porn actor. Drives a 1989 Toyota Corolla , cause he swapped it for a bottle of testosterone when a fellow juice-head didn't have enough cash. Barely fits in his Corolla. But, has 42'' pipes, and that's all that matters.

Redneck - Nicest guy in the world, if you're republican. Offers you a preemptive bench-press spot in the parking lot, and swears, if Obama is elected for a 3rd term, he'll pay for your gas forever. If terrorist raided the gym, he'd stand in front of the bullets, while the rest of us shit ourselves and cowered behind the stair master. Always wears a hat with some sort of dear murdering reference?

This guy's a hard worker, though. Holding the stop sign during road construction 40 hours a week is tough. That city money, after taxes, is enough to buy the following badass motherfucker : a 2010 Ram Charger diesel with 6" lift kit.

Super Hot Chick That Does Full Makeup and Hair Prior To Working Out - Great for business, as most meatheads plan their visits around hers. Loves to do lunges, squats, hamstrings, or, anything that involves bending over, all the way. Funny thing is, when you get caught starring at her hindquarters, she gives you the stank face? She drives a 2015 Honda Civic Ex, coupe, automatic, red. And looks damn good in it.

Out Of Shape Middle-Age Man Wearing A Tank Top - Why would anybody intentionally show off their love handles? Every time this guy walks buy, I wanna barf. The visual of his gigantic side-boob, combined with his sweaty head-band are awful. He drives a 2010 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited with the doors off, so when he's wearing his tank-top, his love handles are exposed to traffic.

The Whale - Don't confuse this term with the Asian who blows 2 million at the Bellagio. I'm referring to the guy and gals that sweat profusely doing arm circles. 90% of their gym visits are between Jan 1st and Jan 23rd, or until they fall back into a diabetic coma. I'm always proud when I see these folks at the gym, instead of the all-you-eat China buffet, sucking down General Tso's chicken. Perhaps the only demographic that drive a 1999 Caravan, without kids. Why? Easy ingress / egress, and all the cup holders fit a big-gulp.

I know, I forgot Paulie from Jersey Shore. We all know he drives a caddy....

Flyinglap aka Joe knows more useless car information than anybody. He owns every Car & Driver since 1986. His 11 year old son knows the difference between an E24 and E28. His 7 year old son says "gai-ar-doh" not "gah-lar-doh" .

Vimto > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 09:43

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You forgot the 'only goes to the gym to do cardio' stereotype, which was me for several months. I was driving a 2012 Nissan Versa 5speed at the time.

flying lap > Vimto 03/17/2015 at 09:44

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You're too hard to profile. Go with what ya know. ya dig?

Round headlight enthusiast > Vimto 03/17/2015 at 09:55

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hey, I do this! I just don't like weightlifting, and December March it's too cold/icy to be outside.

Opposite Locksmith > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 09:55

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I'm 6' 148 lbs, so I'm a pretty big meathead, driving a tuned WRX hatch

OPPOsaurus WRX > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:03

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you forgot the 30 something contractor who spends more time in the gym than planning his next project or getting the next job. He drives a beat to hell Ram cuz he needed to haul all that lumber but cant afford to fix all the broken shit cuz he spent all his money on muscle milk and a 300 hp cordless drill 50 combo pack

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Opposite Locksmith 03/17/2015 at 10:07

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did you mean 184lbs? cause I don't think I've ever seen a 6' 148lb dude and said, "yea, that guys a total meathead"...or was there supposed to be so sarcasm in that response?

Vimto > Round headlight enthusiast 03/17/2015 at 10:11

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I was just teasing, I did it myself for months before I started lifting. I didn't really have any more weight to lose and found I had reached a point of diminishing returns as far as endurance goes until I started doing weights, which dramatically improved my cardio in every aspect.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:11

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Wait, french pressed coffee + somewhat avid exercise enthusiast + people watcher + car enthusiast........are you.... me?

Am I posting to Oppo from another dimension?

This thread truthfully , just "Inception-ed" the eff out of me.

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:13

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The one at my gym drives a Hyundai Genesis coupe

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 03/17/2015 at 10:13

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I had a friend who was 6'6" and only weighed 165-ish.

Opposite Locksmith > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 03/17/2015 at 10:13

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haha sarcasm

Opposite Locksmith > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 03/17/2015 at 10:14

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haha and meatheads don't refer to themselves at meatheads haha

Moves-Like-Senna > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:17

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The oddly in shape overworking business man that spends 3 days of the week in the gym, rides in a cycling club, reads, keeps up with the latest fashions and tech and still somehow still finds time to be out on the town every night socializing.

Crest > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 03/17/2015 at 10:19

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I feel so ashamed because you're so correct. We have one of those too

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Opposite Locksmith 03/17/2015 at 10:28

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you'd be surprised. I've known a few over the years who relished in being THE meathead stereotype..at least they knew they were though and weren't afraid to call themselves such

Opposite Locksmith > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 03/17/2015 at 10:32

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I wanna be a meathead :( that why I read oppo all day during classes

wacopalypsenow > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:40

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It's the best way to directly inject caffeine into my bloodstream, similar to shooting heroin when snorting it doesn't quite cut-the-mustard.

flying lap > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 03/17/2015 at 10:41

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I think we're all one, bruh.

flying lap > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 03/17/2015 at 10:43

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And she looks damn good in it...

flying lap > Moves-Like-Senna 03/17/2015 at 10:44

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Yes, I know this guy! Leases the Bimmer, not for the lower payments, but, he wants the new shit every 36 months....

whatisthatsound > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:46

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If I'm being honest I hate when people make fun of overweight, out of shape, uncoordinated, unexperienced at the gym. We were all at least in one of those categories. I will call people out when they decide they want to make jokes at someone else's expense, because they wouldn't make those jokes if a family member was at the butt of them.

Moves-Like-Senna > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 10:48

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I am almost this guy ahaha except I don't have the 6er because it's less than half the time by take a metro to work and I'd rather pocket.

flying lap > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 03/17/2015 at 10:49

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btw, you made me, quote-un-quote, LOL, like a mother-fucker with those pics...

flying lap > whatisthatsound 03/17/2015 at 10:52

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So many adjectives in your opening sentence? Jeez.....

It's called satire : the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Without it, the world would be a lame place my friend.

dogisbadob > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 11:03

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nobody captioned this guy yet? Staring right at her ass :p

whatisthatsound > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 11:04

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I know what you're saying, but if the satire isn't funny then it just comes off as mean spirited.

flying lap > dogisbadob 03/17/2015 at 11:06

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I took that into consideration when trolling google for "hot chick at the gym" pics....

flying lap > whatisthatsound 03/17/2015 at 11:07

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Perhaps. But, that's why I read jalopnik, for satire, and sometimes mean spirit.

When I want straightforward news, I got to autoblog.

dogisbadob > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 11:07

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yeah, but still

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Moves-Like-Senna 03/17/2015 at 11:22

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*Whisper* cocaaaaaiiinnne

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > flying lap 03/17/2015 at 11:22

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What yesterday?

\one love

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > flying lap 03/21/2015 at 14:47

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6' 190, drive a tiny, old German car.

Not really gym rat, but I do go 3-5 times a week.

Flavien Vidal > flying lap 03/27/2015 at 09:16

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I don't fit in any of those description :( ... On the other hand, I don't go to the gym :)

dirty soap > flying lap 04/05/2015 at 10:12

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I used to live near a gay S&M bar / club. I could never figure out what the right car is for a guy wearing nothing but a chain mail shirt and a codpiece. But a faded yellow Chevy LUV didn't seem right.

Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius > Vimto 04/05/2015 at 11:33

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revelation! Give my wife that message. Hunny, do weights, you'll get more out if your cardio.

I don't want to get bulky!

Babe, you're not a dude, you can't get bulky from weight training.

I'm just going to the stair master....

Drakkon- Most Glorious and Upright Person of Genius > R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet 04/05/2015 at 11:34

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That's a sneaky choice for a girl like that.

R Henry > flying lap 04/06/2015 at 09:50

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I keep my side boob inside a sweaty black AC/DC concert shirt. Is that better than a tank?