Cool, Does Your Wife Have Her Own

"McMike" (mcmike) 03/12/2015 at 08:42 • Filed to: bad jokes

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harness, or does she wear the dog's?

There is a blind guy who works across the hall, and he and his service dog often come and visit us (my colleague is an animal lover, and even had dog treats in her desk).

He and his dog just came by and were talking about how he and his wife went out to dinner last night, and didn't take the dog with them...

I almost make the joke, but my better judgement won.

I had to tell it.

Thank you for listening, I feel better.

ttyymmnn > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:44

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Discretion is the better part of valor.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:50

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I still couldn't help but laugh. Jokes like this REALLY depend on the person and how well you know them

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:54

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You're a smarter man than me, was checking into a hotel with my wife and the bell hop offered to carry my bag up to the room. "No it's fine, she can carry herself" was my reply, and man was I in deep shit afterwards. Totally worth it...

Funktheduck > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:54

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Good call. Not sure if I would have held it in. I have a very weak filter.

doodon2whls > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:58

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See you in hell, Mike... ;-)

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > McMike 03/12/2015 at 08:59

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reminds me of when I was working at Verizon and got a horrendous black eye (fractured my brow I got hit so hard by the back of a guys head in a mosh pit (concussions aren't fun (I don't mosh anymore (concussions aren't fun)))) anyways working retail it's not the best appearance to have such a wound presenting: so I wore an eye patch.

Manager comes over and says "hey what's a pirate's favorite letter? Rrrrrrr!" Happy as could be they made their joke. Turns around and the customer I'm helping was wearing an eye patch as well but for a more legit medical condition.

Manager about crapped their pants but the customer was cool. He even had a googly eye stuck to his patch.

McMike > MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s 03/12/2015 at 09:05

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Exactly. I kid around with him a little already, but the risk was too high with this one.

The chance of it becoming a "wife is a dog (or stupid)" joke or making fun of his disability was too great.

McMike > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 03/12/2015 at 09:20

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I was once dating this girl who had two jobs. She worked for me a few mornings a week, and she also had her full time restaurant job at night.

The GM at her other job was grooming her for management, and she saw him as a mentor. She often compared him to me, saying we were both hard workers, responsible, tough but fair, like to joke around, etc.. etc.. She kept saying that I would really like him..

Then it happened.

Fast forward a few months, she was only working at the other job. She and I were at her Christmas party (it was a national chain like TGIF/Chilis etc, so the party was pretty big, and in a rented banquet hall) She introduced me to Dennis, and in the middle of shaking his hand I stopped, looked at her and said..

"Hold on.. Dennis? As in "Dennis the dick?"

I was planning on delivering a little gasp, then smile, pull it back in, and tell him that she's said great things about him, and that I was happy to meet him. We'd all have a big laugh.

She ran out of the room, and I did not see her for at least an hour. I think she spent the time rehearsing the ass beating she was going to deliver to me, because it was really strong.

We didn't date for much longer after that.

It turns out in the end that she was right. Dennis and I were alike. He got the joke.

McMike > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 03/12/2015 at 09:23

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I had some staff in one of my stores do something like that once.

"You couldn't win a ass kicking contest against a one legged man" was what one of my managers jokingly to one of his staff.

Someone walked up behind them and said, "You want to give it a try?"

They turned around to find an unhappy, one-legged man.

McMike > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 03/12/2015 at 09:35

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God, I could go on for hours about the shit I say and the stores we used to have.

I was once working in one of our other stores, and was having some small talk with one of their daytime employees. She was a little older than me at the time, and a little weird (to be honest, most of our daytime employees were a little weird). She really wasn't that great of a employee, but she was a warm body that spoke English, and those were at at times, hard to find.

Anyways, she was talking about home security, and the job she used to have in California. She was on the telephone end of the company, and would talk to customers from time to time. She told me that one of her favorite customers was James Taylor, and that she used to talk to him quite often.

She was into the third story about how much they had in common, and how close they had become, and I then I said..

"Uh, oh...(smiles) Sounds like James had himself a stalker.."

Turns out that the reason she left California, is that she herself had a stalker. Apparently, it was a little traumatizing for her.

I had to apologize to her for saying something to terrible in order to keep her on staff at that store. This one was hard to do, since I thought she was overreacting. As one of the owners, I really didn't want to have one of my manager's employees quit over something so silly.

How the hell was I supposed to know that?

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > McMike 03/12/2015 at 09:41

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Awesome.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > McMike 03/12/2015 at 09:59

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Hah! Brilliant.

They used to stockpile whatever overpriced nonsense they wanted us to push up on the counters where it became a spectacle to watch customers push the mountains out of the way to free up space on the counter. Between the two was a huge low empty space for anyone in a wheelchair (ADA counter) .

Apparently we could get fined if there was anything on this 2'x5' piece of counter real estate. Never mind having a mountain of accessories fall on someone from a regular counter. So manager is making a big fuss about it and how we'rd going to get fined. So I explain nobody is going to come in here and complain there's a paper and pair of headphones on the counter. There's still enough room for me to lay down and take a nap. Not 2 minutes later in rolls a person in a wheelchair and the first thing they mention is how "their" counter has to be cleared. Since we used ipads for all transactions the rep took them to the farthest point of the store away from "their" counter. Either way manager was pissed and I wasn't allowed near it.

Mountains if accessories may or may not have started falling over after that.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > McMike 03/12/2015 at 10:02

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Oops! That one wasn't your fault. But still amusing.

We had a conversation with one of the new girls, somehow mentioned online dating. I say how they're full of a bunch of weirdos. She was subscribed to pretty much all of them.

Autofixation > McMike 03/12/2015 at 10:28

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Nah, I have a spiked choker collar for my boyfriend.

McMike > nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul 03/12/2015 at 10:36

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That store's manager called me the next day and told me how upset she was. I had no problem sharing with him how incredibly stupid, weird, and overly sensitive she was to make a big deal about this and demand a apology for it.

I then spent the rest of our conversation telling him how slow, dull, and lazy she was, and if it wasn't for her good attributes (pulse+English+good attendance) I would come over to his store and tell her this myself. I might have even ask if her stalker might have been a repressed necrophiliac because I'm shocked that anyone would want to be closer to someone so lifeless and boring.

Then I told him I would come over and apologize. Staff is staff, and he needed the warm body.

I got there, pulled him aside, and told him again how stupid this was, and that I was fighting every instinct I had to have compassion for this level of idiot. I was there for him, and not for her.

Then I put on a smile, pulled her aside, and delivered the Academy Award performance of the year.