Advice from Uncle CB: Swimming

"CB" (jrcb)
02/27/2015 at 01:26 • Filed to: advice, storytime

Alrighty, it's late at night (or not, depending), which means that it is once more time for some advice with Uncle CB. Today, stemming from !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and my own personal mishap, I'll be giving some advice about swimming. You can trust me, I have medals and everything.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

This is a story that I heard while me and my buddy were waiting for an all clear from the doctor, saying they had successfully lasered my eye back together after a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . My buddy and I being inquisitive folks, I asked him what his most interesting story was. Awesomely (and awfully) enough, he told us. Also, if you're squeamish, don't read this.

Now, the story begins with a man on a family vacation. They were on a cruise that had left port from Florida, and were making their way around the Caribbean, having a grand old time. They came to one spot where they were able to head to land and spend a bit of time there, so the family elected to spend some of their shore time at the beach.

The man decided to go for a swim in the ocean (as one is wont to do), and was just kind of doing that when he felt a sharp pain in his eye. Then there was blood in the water. Concerned, he got back to shore, and then the cruise ship, and then went to see the doctor on the boat. The doctor said he had pink eye, gave him some medicine, and sent him home.

Needless to say, it didn't work. So when they got back to shore, he elected to head home to Ottawa, I believe on a Friday. On the following Tuesday, he showed up at Ottawa General, with a nearly collapsed eye. It had been about nine days from the initial incident when he got to the hospital, and he was immediately put through emerge in order to try to save his eye.

Now, the doctors listened to his story, and one of the nurses elected to do some research, because they had no idea what was going on. They did scans and all that shit, and all of them came up blank. And one nurse came across a journal article that had been written about six months prior. The journal outlined the case of a man who had been swimming in the Caribbean, had a sharp pain in his face, and had to take him into surgery when they couldn't find anything on the scans. And what had they found in his face?

The nose bone of a needlefish (the asshole down below).

Turns out, the man in the journal article had a needlefish swim into his face, embedded itself, and then snapped off, leaving the bone in the man's face.

Returning to present time, the man was put through surgery, and from his eye they pulled out a bone: the nose of a needlefish, which had stabbed this man in the eye.

The kicker of this story? The doctor said they were able to save the man's eye from the brink and he now has perfect vision in it.

Which leads me to my advice: when swimming, always wear goggles. Or don't go anywhere near water in the first place. Fuck the ocean.

DISCUSSION (41)

Makoyouidiot > CB
02/27/2015 at 02:27

What I take away from this is that needlefish are morons. Who swims directly into another thing, fast enough to break your own face off?

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > CB
02/27/2015 at 02:32

Which leads me to my advice: when swimming, always wear goggles. Or don't go anywhere near water in the first place. Fuck the ocean.

The last part was not what I expected, and made me laugh. Thanks.

TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut > CB
02/27/2015 at 02:34

Ugh. Reminds me of the time I went swimming with a bunch of friends. We swam from out boat to the beach, where there was lovely and soft sand. We walked around for a bit, laid in the sun, then headed back out to the boat from a different part of the shore. As I treaded water waiting for my friends, my foot struck an especially nasty and sharp rock. I didn't notice the true extent of the gash until I got back to the boat. I was left with a strip of flesh hanging off my toe. And on the same day, my friend got a sea urchin needle stuck in her foot. Blegh. Damn sea, you scary and dangerous.

thebigbossyboss > CB
02/27/2015 at 07:03

In Ontario lakes of course, we don't have needle fish. We do however have snapping turtles.

Once every half dozen years or so, some unfortunate soul over here loses a toe to one of those buggers.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > CB
02/27/2015 at 08:42

Great story. The ocean is full of weird and stupid creatures that will hurt or kill you, intentionally or not.

I once got a tooth chipped by a clam. I was about 10 or so, and my best friend and I were at the beach with our families. We were horsing around in the water, pushing each other and splashing each other and stuff like that, when we came across a bed of very small clams. I don't know how it started but we each ended up with a big hand full and were winging them at each other and laughing. Well my buddy got a lucky (or unlucky) shot and hit me right in the front tooth, took a nice chip out of it.

CB > Snuze: Needs another Swede
02/27/2015 at 09:14

Well shit. Was it an adult tooth at that point?

CB > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:18

I remember a kid at Scout camp who kept harassing the local bigass snapping turtle (affectionately named Scar due to the scar on its head after a boat hit it. He didn't lose, but he came close.

And don't forget about zebra mussels. Those are the worst.

thebigbossyboss > CB
02/27/2015 at 09:20

No Zebra mussles in the lakes around Ottawa. That is a great lakes problem :D

Snuze: Needs another Swede > CB
02/27/2015 at 09:21

Yeah, it was. Fortunately I had a really good dentist who was able to cover it up.

thebigbossyboss > Snuze: Needs another Swede
02/27/2015 at 09:21

I have a permanent scar on my hand from getting a sea snail shell embedded in it. I am an idiot.

I fell down some rocks, and tried to avoid face planting by putting my hands out. I then impaled my left hand with the shell.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:22

Ouch, that sounds awful.

The ocean is such a terrible place, I never want to go back again!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:25

Holy crap I would not swim where you live, screw that.

thebigbossyboss > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
02/27/2015 at 09:30

Losing a toe to a snapping turtle is very very rare. It's like a bear attack, pretty rare.

CB > NotUnlessRoundIsFunny
02/27/2015 at 09:42

Well, it wouldn't be an advice column if there wasn't any advice!

CB > TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut
02/27/2015 at 09:43

Gods damn that sucks for you and your friend. Hopefully there was no infection.

CB > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:44

The Great Lakes are the best lakes. Especially Georgian Bay.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:45

Still couldn't do it.

thebigbossyboss > CB
02/27/2015 at 09:49

Meech Lake is the best lake. And it's only 20 mins from Ottawa :D

Grand Bend has a really nice beach. I don't know what lake it is on, but it was nice.

thebigbossyboss > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
02/27/2015 at 09:49

cause Albertans are scared of water. :P

CB > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:50

Grand Bend is Lake Huron, from my memory. Nice place, I enjoyed camping there.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > thebigbossyboss
02/27/2015 at 09:58

Bro my parents are from Saskatchewan, do you even lake?

Because my lake is seven hours away :'(

TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut > CB
02/27/2015 at 10:38

Surprisingly, and thank God, there wasn't especially considering the circumstances. Weirdly enough, there were no scissors on the boat's first aid kit, so I had to borrow a sanitised nail and use its head to...saw. BLEGHH.

Oh God that was gross.

CB > TwinCharged - Is Now UK Opponaut
02/27/2015 at 11:04

I think that's the most terrifying improvised medical procedure I'm going to read today.

thebigbossyboss > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
05/12/2015 at 15:17

Ha!

CompactLuxuryFan > CB
11/11/2020 at 22:04

Ok but who swims with their eyes open *in the ocean??!?*

facw > CB
11/11/2020 at 22:06

5 years later... I’m increasingly convinced that swimming should only be done in pools.

CB > facw
11/11/2020 at 22:07

Seven years after getting my eye lasered back together and hearing the story, I’m inclined to agree.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > CB
11/11/2020 at 22:14

Ban the ocean!

Chariotoflove > CB
11/11/2020 at 22:29

When you think about it, the ocean is just one big sea toilet.

CB > Chariotoflove
11/11/2020 at 22:30

And, if you don’t want to think about it, it’s also filled with whale semen.

Chariotoflove > CB
11/11/2020 at 22:36

Oh, there are plenty of seamen down there.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > Chariotoflove
11/11/2020 at 23:30

You called?

Snuze: Needs another Swede > CB
11/11/2020 at 23:37

I was going to comment on this, and then realized it was a 5 year old thread.

I now have an even better story, though not mine personally. But the commanding officer of one of the Navy bases I work out of got his foot almost bitten off by a shark! He took his wife and kids out on their boat for a fun day on the water. Th ey were getting ready to leave, he was the last one to get back on the boat, when a shark bit his leg! His foot was hanging on by a thread, but l uckily the shark let go and his wife pulled him back onto the boat. She hauled ass back to shore and t hey got him to a hospital and got his foot reattached.

In short, fuck the ocean.

Chariotoflove > Snuze: Needs another Swede
11/11/2020 at 23:37

Ha! Not exactly.

CB > Snuze: Needs another Swede
11/11/2020 at 23:39

Holy shit.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > CB
11/11/2020 at 23:58

To top it all off, he gets around just fine. Has the slightest limp if you pay attention, but barely noticable.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > CB
11/12/2020 at 00:06

I'd rather have a needle fish in my eye than damn chlorine any day of the week! The ocean is fraught with danger but that's kind of the fun part right? I think I'm king of the world when hiking and preparation is everything. Ain't nothing gonna prepare me for the ocean. The ocean gonna do what it wants and I'm at its mercy. I enjoy the variety and the fight for your life every time. Sea creatures just add a bonus layer of danger.

AestheticsInMotion > CB
11/12/2020 at 00:40

Ooof. Just read this and your comment about the nerf gun incident.

Glasses are a bit of a pain and I’ve definitely considered contacts , but I do like that I have a permanent barrier protecting my weakest point from frontal attacks.

pip bip - choose Corrour > CB
11/12/2020 at 05:13

Just don’t do a Harold Holt.

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/52-years-ago-today-1840475035

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > CB
11/12/2020 at 08:18

This, right the hell here

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > CB
11/12/2020 at 08:55

Man, when I saw Yamahog’s name I was really confused for a moment.