Adults Should Be Drinking Beer

"Nibbles" (nibbles)
02/12/2015 at 18:54 • Filed to: None

Fact: Beer is not for babies and children. If you are an adult—i.e., not a baby or child—you should be drinking beer.

Look, I'm not an alcohol dictator. I understand that, occasionally, adults might not find themselves consuming beer. Pizza is arguably better with beer than it is without it. I know that once a year you have to host Thanksgiving and keep the lie alive by staying high and dry. Sure. Fine. But beer as a daily or even quasi-frequent beverage? Hell yeah, breh. I am a doctor educated by the School of Rad Times and the University of What Is Wrong With Gawker. Let me help you see the light.

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Point: Nearly every other species can digest alcohol after babyhood.

You're supposed to be doing this. Drinking beer as an adult is awesome and makes you feel like Raptor fuckin' Jesus. Sixty percent of adults properly digest beer every day. We are the awesome kid from your high school who brought his guitar in and played Nirvana during lunch of the Animal Kingdom.

Fewer than 40 percent of humans on earth can't drink beer, and only 5 percent of Asians and 25 percent of African adults are small percentages of their respective (and respectable) ethnicities. In case you're keeping score at home, those continents have most of the humans we got. I know that as Americans we often like to shuck logic that's employed by the rest of the world, but this is not something trivial like the metric system. This is about beer. We need to get awesome.

Your body begs you to be ingesting beer as an adult. It very clearly tries to tell you this over and over by giving you coworkers and children. But none of you goons will listen. Via USA Today:

Instead, people who are boring and underage don't drink beer. In normal humans, beer is good and such. The alcolols end up in the blood stream, producing inebriatoids that can cause good jokes, bad jokes, fart jokes, lowered inhibitions and fun times.

Do fun times sound fun to you? Do you ENJOY that experience? For real, drink beer.

Counterpoint: None

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Point: Babies don't drink beer because it's illegal and they need to fatten up and get nutrition somehow.

Besides, it's not like babies are drinking the Busch Light you're sucking down. We don't give beer to children because they are not fully formed human beings and our diets are 44 percent Hungry Man™ Sirloin Dinner.

The beer you're drinking is high in calories and contains mad carbs. It would follow that most alcohol products have tons of carbs, except it doesn't. You know what all those carbs do? THEY GIVE YOU ENERGY. You know what the number one killer of adults in America is? Goddamn people who don't quit bitching. If you enjoy living, grab a beer and chill out.

You're probably already eating other foods that are good for you these days, because you are an intelligent adult. Do you really want to waste your carb consumption on something as stupid and lame as white bread? At least get your priorities in order and drink something that makes life wonderful, like a nice tall glass of Fat Tire.

Further, people in Asian countries enjoy plenty of beers. In the World Health Organization's 2012 report, three of the top five life highest life expectancies were found in Asian countries. Consider the dots connected. (The secret to immortality is drinking beer.)

Counterpoint: None

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Point: You can get drunk from plenty of other drinks too.

(Get-Random -InputObject "Dudes", "Ladies", "Gents", "Gals"), I know Sally Fields tried to scare you with all that "EAT MY COOKIES!" jibber jabber, but your livers aren't going to immediately shrivel into dust if you drink beer or take drugs. Whiskies, wodkas, gins, wines and liqueurs are also good sources of alcohol. You know I know that you know you're eating your vegetables anyway, so just give yourself a congratulatory beer and a pat on the back. Good job being awesome.

Plus, we are living the year 2015—plenty of wines come fortified. Get with the winning team.

Counterpoint: None

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Point: It's delicious.

Sure, we all used to poop our pants. Some of us hated taking baths. And there was probably a period of time where you thought alcohol was gross. But you grew up. You became a real person and it was time to let some things go. Let that glass of thick, creamy head go down your throat. If you need something to wash down a sugary brownie or slice of cake, have a cup of Irish coffee like a grown ass person.

Counterpoint: None

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I will now allow you to thank me for makings your life better. Seriously, grown folks: drink beer.