More embarrassing advice sought and clarification

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit) 12/20/2015 at 00:10 • Filed to: None

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Sigh...ok, yesterday I asked Oppo for dating advice and what I got was like half a dozen replies of “be yourself.” Ok, that’s awesome, I appreciate it Oppo. But, um, there’s a few problems (details below the jump):

1. “Myself” is incredibly awkward. Seriously. I’m like girl repellant.

2. Well, that’s not entirely true. Like I said the first time around, I’ve been on a few dates but most of the time it just ended up being awkward for a variety of reasons (whether me, her, or both) to the point of, yeah, like I said last time I’m thinking I could be home watching !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! or even !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I’m just wondering, like, how to make shit not awkward.

3. And how to meet women or people in the first place. I don’t have much of a job, and what I do have isn’t exactly rife with a lot of dating opportunity. And, um, other than that I don’t go out much. There’s not much of a dating scene here.

And at the end of the day I’m wondering if it’s even worth dating. I see the miserable marriage between my parents and other people and I’m like, yeah, fuck this. Given the rise of lifelong singles in my generation and younger, it really looks like the future is just in sex toys, porn, and immediate, self-sexual gratification anyway and I’m absolutely convinced the inter-personal relationship (and by extension marriage) is a dodo facing extinction anyway. There was a whole bunch that was going here but it seemed like it was going into Cigar Lounge territory so I’ll leave it at that, but my question is: should I even be looking in the first place or should I, like, I dunno, order from a sex shop instead?

...I also really need to built up an internal filter before posting personal shit onto a public car enthusiast community (I’m sure pauljones will tell me that, so this is just to let him know that I’m working on it)

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 00:26

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So...i missed your original post but I want to answer it here first. You do not find love (or a girlfriend in this case no matter how serious it may become), they find you.

Now onto everything else:

1. I feel like there are many Oppo’s on here who feel like they’re totally weird, granted we are all weird in one way or another. That being said, “being yourself” is the best advice we can give.

2. Define “make shit not awkward”? Like is there just silence or lack of conversation? Just an awkward vibe? Small talk here may not help, but it can.

3. I rarely went out to any form of social experience. I met my first girlfriends through school, my current and hopefully one day wife and I met out of the blue from commenting on the same thing in Facebook. Like I said, attraction will find you.

4. Marriage is totally not a thing my generation likes. I am 21, so I assume we are in the same age gap somewhat(???). My parents have also had their fair share of marriage issues and don’t get me started on the S/O’s parental background but marriage should still be a goal of any relationship. Can’t go through life with just friends and a girlfriend here or there. ALSO, after spending an early evening in the Museum of Sex in NYC, sex toys are not a thing you should get into

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 00:29

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Try volunteering in your local community, you’ll probably feel better out there. I work doing food demonstrations at a supermarket, i get a good variety of people around, some ignorant as heck and others extremely light hearted and up for jokes. The more you do these types of jobs, the more you open up and see how you are.

scoob > Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras 12/20/2015 at 00:30

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My friend works there and has interesting stuff to say about it on Facebook. I don’t even want to go near there.

Supreme Chancellor and Glorious Leader SaveTheIntegras > scoob 12/20/2015 at 00:32

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You know, it wasn’t bad as it may sound. That being said I probably could’ve done without the crowds around the sex toys

sebdel > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 01:00

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Id say look for a phychology and get treatmen on your social ansiety, it’s going to make thing much easier when you meet someone and start a relation. I’m an akward guy and I don’t go out that much, from school to university to work I’ve never been really part of any group of people and that’s a big pain in the ass for my wife who had a very active social life and can’t understand this idiot who can just talk to people. So basically ignore people: don’t be yourself. If anything be a better version.
Where to meet women? there’s some answers there but they are all places you shoudn’t go hoping to meet women because that’s sad and they can tell so I have no advice for you.

RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 01:20

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You sound like me 15 years ago.

Get a life, go out and do stuff and find things you like and meet people. And get yourself into shape, but don’t be a dude-bro about it.

Anon > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 02:05

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Now I am a master of dubious advise but I’ll try and chime in. Develop a skill you van show people! If you can learn to do something not everyone can do, it tends to make you more confident. I was just like you before I took up photography (don’t belive me, go back though my posts. I’m pretty sure you stole this post word for word from me.) I would show my photos to people and they would compliment me and say how skilked I was. At first I was hesitant to take their praise as I thought they were just being nice. Now when people compliment my photos I’m almost like Bender from Futurama in my head “Shut up Baby I know it!” This confidence lets me talk to people I would of been scared to talk to.

Do volunteering to get out into the community. Join a club, join a community theater. But if you want to meet girls, bars in my experience.

Mr. Ontop, No Strokes, No Smokes...Goes Fast. > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 02:49

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Just be confident. That doesn’t mean be an overbearing asshole, just be sure of what you say and do. As far as I can tell, women really like that in a man. Hell, men like that in men, if that’s your thing. Just learn to be a little more social. Less internet, more IRL interaction. Just keep on keepin’ on. You’ll meet the right girl when it’s time.

Source: I’m married, it worked for me, and no, I didn’t just marry the first girl to come along.

jpomonkey > RiceRocketeer Extraordinaire 12/20/2015 at 04:09

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This is the best, most succinct advice about this issue ever.

gizmo-ms3 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 07:19

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You sound really young, so take my advice as a wise, married with kids, nearly 30 year old man. First, stop talking about staying single forever and becoming a basement dwelling masterbation addict. That makes you sound like a weirdo. Second, start eating right and going to a gym, whether your school’s or a club. It’ll take months to see any results, but once you do it’ll be a real confidence booster. Third, don’t rush it. High school is an awkward time. You’ll, for lack of a better term, “find yourself” eventually and meet people more like you in college. Not all girls are intimidating supermodels. There are plenty out there just as nerdy as you are. Lastly, get out and do something. Join a school club, church youth group, anything to meet people out of your everyday social circle. Good luck.

Bycjoe > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 07:55

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Man I feel ya sometimes, Im a divorced dad of two, and I was in the same place too, severe social anxiety my whole life, but the only thing that helps me get over that is to just put my self out there. Volunteer, go hiking, got a dog? Go to the park. I write poetry, it’s very crappy lame poetry gimme a break I barely graduated high school lol, but I’m talking to an awesome person who’s in a very similar situation now because of it. The other thing I find that helps is patience, just do you and I promise everything will work out. Message me if you want to talk more, that sounds exactly like me in high school and exactly how I got after the divorce.

That's gonna leave a mark! > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 08:40

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Short advice, no going to repeat others.

There is a lid for every pot. I have seen countless pots where I never thought there would be a lid for, but son of a bitch, they found one.

Remember that no ones life is as it appears on FB.

TheRealBicycleBuck > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 08:56

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You may have a problem. No, seriously, you may have a problem. If you have a terrible time being social and are extremely awkward in social situations, you may be able to learn something from David Finch . He was having similar problems (strangely enough, much of his trouble started after he was married) and learned how to work around them by listening to Howard Stern. I’m not one to recommend Stern, but the key to Finch’s success was listening to how Stern communicated with people and applying that knowledge to his own life.

Now for the other stuff. You have to fix yourself before you will be appealing to women. No woman in her right mind is going to go for an unemployed guy still living with his parents. Unless you are a teenager, you’ll have to get a job and get out on your own before you will be appealing to the fairer sex. I’m sure you already know this.

As for your other quirks, you have to find like-minded women who either love to do what you do or are willing to tolerate your quirks. Not many women are going to date a guy fixated on tween TV, especially ones based on the adventures of another girl. Same goes for much of the Anime scene. Girls want you fixated on them . Any other fixation that includes good-looking girls is a threat. There are rare exceptions to this rule.

You are already using the best tool for finding these women. It’s the internet. Unfortunately, as you probably have already discovered, finding the groups of people with similar interests is easy, finding women within these groups is hard. You might have better luck finding a local group who meets in person.

Finally, marriage is hard. You have to be committed and determined to make it work. EVERYTHING else (except God) is secondary to your marriage if you want to keep it. Nobody is perfect and you have to learn to be accepting, or at least tolerant, of the quirks your partner brings to the relationship. My wife does things that still drive me nuts. I learned that calling her out on it or making it the point of an argument doesn’t help either of us. We still have disagreements, but we’ve moved beyond most of the stupid stuff people fight about. It sounds like your parents haven’t, so don’t use them as an example.

Good luck in your search. I was in my late twenties before I found my life partner, so don’t give up hope. Get yourself straightened out first. Then go out and find your true love.

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 09:28

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1) Don’t be an asshole

2) Never give up

beyond that, do stuff. It doesn’t matter if the stuff you do has NO relation to “dating”, doing stuff causes you to meet people who do stuff too. People who do stuff often like other people who do stuff.

be yourself, because if you sell someone on a false bill of goods you’ll never succeed in keeping the facade up for long. Stick with OK Cupid, its free and requires little upkeep. Tell it like it is in your profile, don’t be afraid to go into detail like “I dislike the sound that Michelin XiCE tires make on wet roads” and “I like motorcycles, but I can’t stand motorcycle culture and if you ride a Harley I’m pretty sure we won’t get along” (examples from my old OK profile, which is now deleted, because I met a girl). And remember #1 and #2 above. Keeping those in mind, be yourself, of yourself is tired of looking for girlfriends let that happen for a while, just remember #1 and #2, and find stuff to do that makes you happy, then do it.

davedave1111 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 10:47

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Practice is very important. The best kind of practice is chatting to female people in casual conversation - ordinary social interaction, in other words, like, e.g., asking your co-worker if he/she had a good weekend. That helps you establish a baseline for ‘we’re talking but she’s not interested’ and so-on.

Other than that, sounds like you need to make some new friends of any gender - if you don’t widen your social circle, you won’t widen the circle of potential partners in any socially acceptable way.

Pokesmot > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/20/2015 at 11:14

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Just know you’re the shit. Even if you’re not, act like it. Keep your head up and stand tall. Remember, Hi or hello is the best pick up line

pauljones > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 12/22/2015 at 13:06

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It’s not about “developing a filter.” It’s about not trying to seek constant external validation that you don’t need. It’s about not projecting your own anxieties on others. It’s about owning up and taking responsibility for yourself and your own sense of self-worth.

You make these posts about how nothing seems worth it and you feel that you should just go shit in the ocean and whatever else, and you get sympathetic responses. You get people trying to send you all of the positive energy they can, and that’s great. It’s something that I love about this community. But at some point in time, you have to choose to take that positive energy, that support, and actually do something with it. It’s not going to be easy. It never is. But if you don’t get off your ass and actually put in the required effort, nothing is ever going to change, and you’re just going to be right back here making posts in hopes of getting sympathy and external validation.

Maybe the problem is that it isn’t easy. You put in a little bit of effort, but when things don’t work out the first time, you just give up, and rather than trying to learn from your mistake and figure out what you might like to do or try differently next time, you either assume that A) it’s someone else’s fault for being crazy assholes or B) that you just can’t do it.

Both assumptions are bullshit. It’s nobody else’s fault, and quite frankly, you are as capable of succeeding at the goals that you set for yourself as anyone else. The problem is that you seem to be afraid of putting the required effort into it. I wish I knew why; but, then, I’m not you. Only you know why. Figure it out, dust yourself off, and try again. Try again and again and again and again until you succeed. It sucks, it may take a long ass time, and you will get hurt left and right. But that’s life. It happens to everyone; you can’t control that. You can, however, control how you let it affect you. You can make the decision to get back up again every time you get knocked down.

There is no easy way out here. There are no shortcuts. there are no magic tips or tricks. Trust me, I tried. It’s just a long, grueling process of trial and error. It’s difficult, scary, and often time painful. But take it from me - the longer you put it off, the longer it will take you to achieve your goals. I put it off for far too long, because I was afraid - and now I’m paying the price for it. The difference, though, is that I know it’s my fault. I know that what I experience in my day-to-day life and my life development is a consequence of my own actions and decisions - both good and bad. I can recognize the good, acknowledge the bad, and move on. It’s taken me a long, long time to get to where my friends were years ago, and I still have a long way to go. But after what seemed like endless dreary days, I eventually started to learn and just get better at being the person I want to be. I’m not there yet, but as I’ve come to learn, few (if any) people are. Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey. I’m a little behind where others around me are, but I don’t feel the need to be jealous or angry or upset about it. I don’t feel the need to measure myself by anyone else anymore. I’m content to atone for the mistakes I made in the past as best I can, and move on as best I can.

That’s what it means to take responsibility for yourself and your own self-image. It’s up to you. Do something. Anything. Even if it doesn’t work, just keep trying different things. And by the way, get ready to fail. A lot. get ready to be hurt. A lot. It’s going to happen. But if you’re not willing to put yourself out there and risk failing and getting hurt, you’ll never achieve what you want.