The BMW M5 Laughs at Your Puny Speed Limits

"Andrew Fails" (fails)
12/04/2015 at 07:46 • Filed to: BMW, M5, review, Kansas City, F10

As I’ve said !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , I love machinery that has a singular purpose. Too many devices try to do too much, and fall short. Spreading yourself too thin creates a weak product. That’s how you wind up with the Transformers movies. They try to appeal to absolutely everyone, and in turn, become disposable and forgettable. Instead, machines that have a single defined objective always struck a chord for me. Even if they fall short, I can appreciate the intent and effort.

The F50 generation of the BMW M5 is one of those cars with a clarity of purpose. On first look, you could say that it is very much a conflicted design. It is a luxury car, with sporting pretension. Doesn’t that make it a diluted experience? It is not as pure of a sports car as it could be, because it tries to be comfortable. But then it is not as comfortable as it could be, because it tries to be a responsive performance machine. I offer an alternate view. In my mind, the M5 is not designed to be a Nurburgring record setter, nor a leather clad sensory deprivation chamber. Instead, it is designed to cover vast swaths of interstate at extraordinary speeds. Sure, the BMW marketing department may have different view of what the car is all about, with their “research”, and “design briefs”, and “feedback from engineering”. But I write for the internet, for free, so I think we know who is more informed.

(Full disclosure, this M5 is for sale by Pure Pursuit Autmotive in Kansas City, MO and they were nice enough to let me spend some time with it, so go check them out at !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! )

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Sometimes with this gig, you have hours of uninterrupted high speed driving on empty roads. Other times, you are dealing with mileage and time restrictions. This was one of those short days. Since I have no shame, I unabashedly copied The Smoking Tire and did a brief running commentary of my experience with the car. We all know that typed words can be confusing and distressing what with all the lines, and dots, and squiggly bits. Heady stuff. So instead, watch some moving pictures and listen to my incoherent ramblings.

Is there such a thing as too much power for a street car? The internet would tell you no, then probably question your sexual orientation, and then make some misspelled slur against your mother. Oh YouTube commenters, you are truly the poets of our generation. But I’m going to be contrary and say that around town, there is most definitely a limit on what I want to deal with. Wheelspin at every single touch of the throttle is certainly hilarious, but can make “stop and go” traffic a bit more interesting than I’d prefer. I know that four digit horsepower numbers and single digit quarter mile times are very impressive on the forums, but they are much less significant in the real world. In reality, it’s all about usable power.

If the road surface is chilly, or damp, or uneven, or gravelled, or if the tires are just having a bad day, the M5 will lose traction at the slightest throttle input. While rolling away from a stoplight, traction control intervened with the lightest touch of the loud pedal at low RPMs. So this in and of itself means the car is pointless, obviously. I mean, I just spent the last paragraph telling you how high horsepower is irrelevant.

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But instead, this shows that the BMW was not designed for stoplight drag racing. If it was, there would be more tire, or different suspension, or all wheel drive. No, in a car like this, the emphasis is not on the time to go from zero to sixty. Instead, it’s all about the sixty to one-twenty. All that power might be a bit overkill in the mall’s parking lot, but when you’re dead set on crossing a county, or a country, at high rates of speed, it starts to make a bit more sense. Once you’re moving, the traction improves.

The M5 isn’t all smoking tires and bellowing exhaust though. If you dial the suspension to its comfort setting, the ride is surprisingly comfortable. That sounds like obvious pandering. The comfort mode is comfortable? Ye gods! Scoop of the century! Such insightful commentary. But cars of this nature often do not ride particularly well. Zero suspension travel has somehow become equated with performance. So if it liquefies your kidneys, that must mean it’s track bred weapon.

That’s not to say that you’ll be fooled into thinking you’re in an old American land yacht. There is no way of getting away from the fact that the sidewalls are fairly thin. But with enough compliance dialed into the suspension, it is surprisingly relaxing. You still certainly feel any bumps or cracks, but you’re not shattering your spine. This setting allows allows a degree of body roll. Again, not floaty, and the steering stays typical BMW heavy, but it keeps things a bit more tame.

That combination of heavy steering and slightly soft suspension means the M5 tracks nice and straight on the highway, without dancing around too much over imperfections. My !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! for example has very firm suspension with an aggressive turn-in, so bumps mid corner can severely unsettle the car. Nothing like feeling as if the car is about to snap sideways in a cloverleaf because you hit a pothole. The M5 is much more forgiving when set in “Autobahn Mode”.

Assisting the hardware is an array of software. You have all your typical passive sensors. But the piece that interests me is the heads up display. Every single time I drive a car with a HUD I am left wondering why they aren’t equipped on everything. Current speed, speed limit, and engine RPM all projected on the windshield right in your field of view. It makes using gauges seem downright archaic. The RPM is handy, because in some settings, the computers will actually let you hit the rev limiter. In a lot of paddle shifted cars, the transmission will shift at redline, regardless of if you call for a shift or not. The M5 in M mode won’t. That may seem like a downside, but not for me. If I put the transmission in “manual”, I mean it. Do not shift unless I tell you to, robot. This is how Skynet starts. First they ignore our shifting instructions, then they take over the nuclear arsenal, and the next thing you know, they’re in bed with your wife. Goddamn robots.

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But as handy as a digital tachometer is, the projection of your current speed versus the posted speed limit is probably more helpful on a real world basis. The M5 does not like going slowly. At all. You will become very good friends with the cruise control, because every single speed limit seems a hilarious imposition. At 55mph, it felt like I was barely idling. You’re turning barely 1500 RPM at that speed. So at highway speeds, you’re just warming it up and getting the fluids circulating. A simple software tweak will let you see somewhere in the realm of 180mph. With surround sound, heated seats, and a full leather interior. Mind boggling.

While the BMW is designed from the ground up as a grand tourer, it is still capable once you get onto the tight two lane roads. The steering that was so confidence inspiring on the highway is still just as weighted and direct in the switchbacks. The twin turbocharged V8 designed for reigning in fleeing Porsches pulls you relentlessly through the long sweepers. The dual clutch transmission that responds to your every call allows to leap up and down through the gears. Treat it like a sportbike. Get hard on the brakes, and bang it down a couple gears. Partly that is good for keeping you right in the meat of the powerband, but most important, it sounds rad.

I get very spoiled in my line of work. Driving cars worth more than my house has become a semi common occurrence. Which either means I drive really nice cars, or my house is a bit crap. Probably a bit of both. But the BMW M5 shook me out of my complacent stupor. The contrast between the stark interior and the ferocity of acceleration is incredibly jarring. It feels as if being confined by traffic and traffic laws is offending the car’s sensibilities and even its very nature. The power and volume that seem a bit too much in a traffic jam make perfect, beautiful sense once the road empties. Plant your right foot down, drop half a dozen gears, and feel the whole car step sideways. It lets out a Bavarian battle cry, and charges into battle. Keep up.

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Fails is a freelance photographer who sometimes pretends to be literate. You can see his portfolio at !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . He is talking in third person because it makes him feel mysterious.

DISCUSSION (66)

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:11

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Not so loud, the owners will hear you!

http://oppositelock.kinja.com/dear-driver-of…

TylerJ > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:17

Sometimes I just really want to not like people that can afford brand new ///M cars.

Somewhat relatedly, this guy who owns this crappy vehicle customization shop in the town I work in has a brand new M4 that he parks out in front and it sets me off that he paid for that by ripping people off.

DoYouEvenShift > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:21

Hey! I like the Transformers movies.

Andrew Fails > sm70- why not Duesenberg?
12/04/2015 at 09:21

Hahaha! That's astounding. And it wasn't me, I swear. I used all of my concentration to NOT speed on the highway.

BringBackTheCommodore > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:27

The M5 laughs at anything that gets in its way.

Vicente Esteve > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:31

The M6 Grand Coupe laughs at your M5

Kinja'd!!!

sm70- why not Duesenberg? > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 09:33

A challenge if ever there was one.

Stevo777 > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 11:06

This was a pleasure to read! Excellent write up! I dont know where you got this F50 from, the body style is F10.

Also congrats, that M5 already has a deposit!

However I digress, as an owner of a F10 550ix I wish I had the extra $Fiesta St$ for the M5 I originally wanted but I deemed it not worth. With my location being the north east and my pockets not limitless I decided to get the best of most worlds with AWD, 500hp, and that awesome V8 noise. Plus I got my car for a steal and I would have kicked myself in the ass every day if I turned the offer down. Although I am sad when some ask if I own an M5, maybe one day!

Andrew Fails > Stevo777
12/04/2015 at 11:15

Ah, sorry about that. I'm terrible at chassis codes. But glad you liked it!

Owlrich > TylerJ
12/04/2015 at 11:23

Well at least he’s advertizing how tacky he is. I saw an M4 recently in a bright shiny color and I gotta say, that’s a pretty tacky-looking car.

Stephen > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 11:32

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FCMan > Vicente Esteve
12/04/2015 at 11:33

$20k more for the same performance and less practicality? I’m thinking you got it backwards.

Andrew Fails > Stephen
12/04/2015 at 11:45

Quiet? Standing behind this thing when someone revved it up made my ears ring. I mean, I guess it's not top fuel dragster loud, but still pretty damn loud.

Stephen > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 11:48

Yeah I know, I was just taking a shot at the strategy of pumping in “fake” engine sounds via the speakers

shadowx360 > Vicente Esteve
12/04/2015 at 11:55

I’m of the opinion that BMW should just replace their sedan lineups with the sedan version of their coupe version of their sedan lineups. 435i GC looks 10x sexier than a 3 series and I’d take an M6 GC over an M5 any day of the week.

shadowx360 > TylerJ
12/04/2015 at 11:58

Think of it this way...when you walk into Fidelity Investments, would you prefer them to be using $5000 iMacs or $30 surplus typewriters? Sure, one of them makes you think wow, they can afford these because they make money off of my money, but the other makes you think wow, why would I trust an unsuccessful business? Think of it as him profiting from a successful business.

CalBearsFan99 > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 11:59

Surprised they haven’t moved the M5 to a variable AWD system.

shadowx360 > Stevo777
12/04/2015 at 12:04

My friend has a 550i and I’ve driven it a few times. Ridiculously fast for a family sedan to pick kids up with, especially since you can easily add 75 HP with a tune. Honestly I’m more of opinion of keeping luxury and performance separate but it’s always fun to see Mustang GTs try to race a family sedan and getting a smackdown at the lights.

porange > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:11

“That’s how you wind up with the Transformers movies. They try to appeal to absolutely everyone, and in turn, become disposable and forgettable.”

I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about a Michael Bay Transformers movie

jimmy-buffett > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:14

It is not as pure of a sports car as it could be, because it tries to be comfortable. But then it is not as comfortable as it could be, because it tries to be a responsive performance machine. I offer an alternate view. In my mind, the M5 is not designed to be a Nurburgring record setter, nor a leather clad sensory deprivation chamber. Instead, it is designed to cover vast swaths of interstate at extraordinary speeds.

With the harsh ride, is the M5 really the best for this, and not the 550? I’d think you want a little more sidewall and suspension to handle the bumps, but not so much that the car isn’t enjoyable in the corners.

Unless, by “extraordinary speeds”, you’re not talking about US speed limits.

I recently bought an ‘11 GS460, and I’ve taken to calling it a “cruiser”. Fun to drive when you want to push it, but not harsh when you don’t. And when you stretch the car’s legs, the 8-speed auto gets it 30 MPG on flat/level at 80 MPH. In a V8!

If you’re looking for BMW’s “cruiser”, I respectfully suggest that the 550 may be a little better for this than the M5.

Stevo777 > shadowx360
12/04/2015 at 12:21

Exactly! The previous owner (family friend) had software already installed, all I needed to do up update it for the free flow exhaust I put on the car!

I can honestly say it’s one of the best for both performance and luxury worlds, I’ve caught a few Porsche driving dentists off guard. It’s just too easy!

jimbobafett > Stevo777
12/04/2015 at 12:31

How has the car held up for you? I was considering one of these but was put off by the massive problems with the original N63 motor and the way they reportedly eat batteries. There’s a lot I love about the BMW but ended up with an S6 instead.

GOAT__RODEO > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:32

As I’ve said before , I love machinery that has a singular purpose.

in this case: Making people irate because its double parked in your local mall parking lot?

ScrotumKnots > Stevo777
12/04/2015 at 12:34

I thought the 550i had 445hp?

Rex > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:39

Jesus. This beatnik put me to sleep. FINISH A TRAIN OF THOUGHT.

The kind of guy who talks until he thinks of something to say.

Cfoxtrot > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:44

Next purchase was going to be an M5 as my daily driver. However, I live in a state where “chilly, damp” road surfaces are fairly common for 5-6 months of the year.

550i Xdrive seems to be the better route.

Jonathan Harper > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 12:47

Nice photos. What ya shooting with?

bleedsblue23 > jimmy-buffett
12/04/2015 at 12:48

The n63 has issues. The m5 motor is the one to build.

Andrew Fails > Jonathan Harper
12/04/2015 at 12:48

Thanks! Canon 6D with a 50mm.

ScrotumKnots > Vicente Esteve
12/04/2015 at 12:49

This would be my choice.

Stevo777 > ScrotumKnots
12/04/2015 at 12:49

it does, but not mine ;)

Andrew Fails > GOAT__RODEO
12/04/2015 at 12:50

Triple parked, I'm not a peasant.

ScrotumKnots > Stevo777
12/04/2015 at 12:50

Nice! Which tune?

Stevo777 > ScrotumKnots
12/04/2015 at 12:53

previous owner had Dianan Stage 1, I upgraded to stage 3

BigGatorChris > CalBearsFan99
12/04/2015 at 12:59

You are?

Seriously?

427zeo6 > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:10

To plagiarize from the article a little...... “the BMW M5 shook me out of my complacent stupor” when I was confronted with my 1st repair bill.... I had to either sell my crappy little house or buy a cheap crappy little Nissan to replace the money pit STAT! I like being out of the rain....I did the latter...

Stevo777 > jimbobafett
12/04/2015 at 13:12

My car is a 2011 and so far so good. *knocks on wood* although I’ve had to change all of my fuel injectors and battery at 40k miles ( under BMW’s dime ) there hasn’t been any other issue. I hear if you were to look for a 550 or anything with the N63 engine, look past 2013. They’ve ironed out most of the quirks then.

Other than that I’ve put another 20k miles on it and all seems to be ok!

I love Audi but their style is a bit too modest for me.

junkyardninja > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:13

I think you meant F10 M5 - your “F50” designation made me go double check my understanding of the numbers. Sorry, I know I’m nit-picking.

toroloco > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:17

“No, in a car like this, the emphasis is not on the time to go from zero to sixty. Instead, it’s all about the sixty to one-twenty.”

Excellent understanding of an M5’s purpose. I own an E60 M5 and couldn’t agree more. Fortunately the speed limits down here are more, ahem, relaxed. So I get to enjoy it a lot on frequent Shinkansen blasts between Mexico City and Leon.

CalBearsFan99 > BigGatorChris
12/04/2015 at 13:21

Given it’s become a super-touring 2+ ton sedan purchased by people who couldn’t care less about track performance? Yes.

Andrew Fails > junkyardninja
12/04/2015 at 13:28

You're 100% correct. My mistake.

BruceAE > CalBearsFan99
12/04/2015 at 13:37

Rumour & a number of leaks indicate they are testing AWD for the next M5.

Mthew_M > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:41

You really like the exhaust? It’s one of my least favorite things about the car, because it’s way too quiet and subdued for an M vehicle (M6 GC Comp). I mean, I guess when you’re really on it, it’s kind of ‘noisy’, but I never feel like it’s enough. Coupled with the fact that it doesn’t really sound much like an engine (at least, not a V8) it’s just a huge disappointment.

Couldn’t agree more though on the purpose of the car. It sucks driving around town (take the inability to leave the line, heavy steering (even in its lightest mode) and rough ride, remove a lot of the M5s visibility, and add more size), but it’s everything on the Interstate, and really does feel like it’s puttering along, even at 85mph.

Andrew Fails > Mthew_M
12/04/2015 at 13:47

This one has catless downpipes, so it is actually pretty loud. Running more or less straight pipes helps a lot. I could see how it's not necessarily the prettiest sound, but it is certainly striking.

BILL-LONGDICK-CLINTON > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:52

The E63 laughs at the M5.

Mthew_M > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 13:54

Ah, I’d forgot this was used. Not sure if you’ve driven one, but trust me, they sound pretty pathetic (for a 600hp ///M car) from the factory. I’d expect the 550/650 to be throatier, and it is by just a hair - and you can even faintly tell it’s a V8 to boot.

Andrew Fails > Mthew_M
12/04/2015 at 13:57

I've never driven a stock one, this was my first experience with this generation of car. I blame the turbos to a degree for cutting out some of the tones.

BigGatorChris > CalBearsFan99
12/04/2015 at 14:03

So... still lighter than some pony cars.

CalBearsFan99 > BigGatorChris
12/04/2015 at 14:18

Not trying to argue, but the market segments to which either cater to are entirely different.

Dead Mike > CalBearsFan99
12/04/2015 at 14:28

Rumored for next gen as per Bimmerpost.

I29R1 > CalBearsFan99
12/04/2015 at 15:28

No need for such a system. The F50 M5 is easily able to smoke all four tires through corners. The BMW achieves this noble goal without expensive AWD systems acting as a crutch. It’s just unnecessary with this much power.

KaptainAwsum > Andrew Fails
12/04/2015 at 16:07

I love that his shop is a 90 second walk from my office. Across the street from a great lunch Joint (tannin)

Andrew Fails > KaptainAwsum
12/04/2015 at 16:17

Nice! Feel free to drop by. There's always a pack of nice cars in there.

Mandorake > toroloco
12/04/2015 at 17:06

I have the E60 550i and the thing is nasty 60-120, love it.

Vicente Esteve > FCMan
12/04/2015 at 22:31

It’s all about the looks.

Vicente Esteve > shadowx360
12/04/2015 at 22:32

I agree, but believe that the GT’s should be killed and leave the lineup with GC’s only.

Vicente Esteve > ScrotumKnots
12/04/2015 at 22:33

Compared to the M5, yeah.

Ryanator122 > Mthew_M
12/04/2015 at 23:16

Have you heard an E60? I was across the parking lot trying to explain the point of the M5 to my mother when the sound of (pretty much) thunder came from the exhaust. At idle it was quiet, but when he slipped the clutch in he was rather liberal with the throttle...

Soheil al Fard > BigGatorChris
12/05/2015 at 11:50

Don’t you mean a Muscle car, in the singular.

BigGatorChris > CalBearsFan99
12/05/2015 at 12:02

True. Just illustrating the fact that 4000lbs is the new 3200.

I’ve been railing against the increasing weight of cars in all segments for years.

To no avail, sadly.

BigGatorChris > Soheil al Fard
12/05/2015 at 12:05

Hellcats and ZL1 convertibles make at least two.

ZunesForBaboons > BigGatorChris
12/05/2015 at 12:17

It’s lighter than exactly 2 pony cars (the Hellcats) both of which have much more horsepower and torque.

upsidedownfunnel > Cfoxtrot
12/05/2015 at 14:00

You think AWD will help with damp road surfaces? If you’re worried about ice, AWD won’t keep you on the road any better than RWD. If you have the means and the appreciation, get the M5 and slap some winter tires on it during the winter.

BigGatorChris > ZunesForBaboons
12/05/2015 at 20:00

Check out the ZL1 convertible. Oink.

Heavier than an M5 AND a hybrid Lexus 460.

Fujimo > Mthew_M
12/06/2015 at 17:45

Stock, the M5 F10 is understated. An AMG sounds much better.

However, after driving both, the F10 is my definitive choice for “spirited” daily driving. They’re drivers cars. Both are excellent.

I would, if given the choice, go with the new CTSV. Much drooling..

Fujimo > shadowx360
12/06/2015 at 17:50

Sedan version of their coupe version of their sedan...

I laughed. Love the explanation. Thank you.

It reminds me of a saying my friend has: Except for all the differences, they’re exactly the same...