"Tohru" (tohrurokuno)
11/26/2015 at 10:00 • Filed to: None
8
5|
"Tohru" (tohrurokuno)
11/26/2015 at 10:00 • Filed to: None | 8
| 5 |
I’ve put my time in at the department, and eventually worked my way up to the cold case division. In my time I’d made a reputation for myself in that tiny department for dogged determination - like a WRX on paddle tires clawing its way up a sand dune.
The new case file the boss dropped on my desk was close to 6 inches thick. Inside of it was the most heinous murder that had happened in the history of the city - American Motors Corporation. The evidence boxes that came with the file filled the back of my department-issue Eagle wagon. The Grabber AT2’s hummed against the chip-sealed road as I hummed to myself about this case. A case this old, it’s going to be hard to find witnesses.
My research into the case dragged on for weeks, then months. My wife moved to her parents’ house in Madison. The spare bedroom had cork boards put up, with old pictures and faded newspaper articles connected together by various colors of string. My only company was my thoughts, the waitress at the nearby diner, and occasionally Wayne Larribee and Larry McCarran on Sunday FM radio.
After months I had come to an inescapable conclusion, one that ended with me parked outside a house in Bel Air that I’d never be able to afford even the down payment on. I was out of my legal jurisdiction, but justice had to be served. I mashed the throttle, and the fuel-injected Hemi under the hood screamed almost as loud as the tires as I blasted through the front gate of the estate, followed by an exterior wall. I dove out of the car, and found my quarry underneath the coffee table in the living room. I dragged him out and onto his feet.
“Lido Anthony Iacocca, you are under arrest for the murder of AMC and for perpetuating a fraud on the American public.” I read him his rights as I handcuffed him. After I was done, he looked at me queriously. “I’ve been expecting the murder charges for thirty years, but fraud?” I dug into my inner jacket pocket, and pulled out a battered advertising flier that proudly declared the Dodge Aries K the best 6-passenger car you could buy. He grimaced, and said ,”Well, I guess you’ve got me.” Suddenly, there was a brief howl of compressed nitrogen, and I was thrown across the room and onto a couch.
I looked up, and locked eyes with him. Marchionne . He was holding a gleaming Dino Paolo DP4000 - chrome steel, 55mm. My vest was no match for it - I was lucky that he didn’t tear me in half. As it was, several important bodily fluids were draining out through a brand-new hole onto the rich Corintian leather. “Terribly sorry about that,” Marchionne said. “Nothing personal Detective, just business. You’re too close to the truth, and I have to safeguard our plans. The EU has invested far too much to fail now.” The pieces came together instantly, and the realization - and the shock from blood loss - hit me with a cold sweat.
“Why?” I gasped out, blood flecking my lips. “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you,” he replied. “Well, I pretty much have, I guess. So there’s no harm in telling. It’s simple, really. We started off easy - Italian coffee, cars, clothing. Within 18 months, we’ll have all the parts in place to add Italian-style reforms to your government. Instead of two political parties, you’ll have 25! With the American people unable to organize meaningful resistance, we’ll convert you to using metric and the Euro and bring you into the EU. It’s flawless, really.”
Abruptly, Marchionne’s monologue is interrupted by his head exploding. The spatter of gore redecorating the wall was accompanied by a shout of “NOT IN MY AMERICA, YOU GODDAMN COMMIE!” With the last of my strength, I turn and see Donald Trump striding confidently into the room. He’s dual-wielding Snap-On MG1250’s - extended anvil, 1.5” black oxide rounds. He pointed one of them at Iacocca, said “You’re fired,” and pulled the trigger. My vision faded to black.
(with apologies to Seat Safety Switch)
Jack Does Cars
> Tohru
11/26/2015 at 10:37 |
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That was enjoyable.
If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent
> Tohru
11/26/2015 at 11:19 |
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Pure gold.
shop-teacher
> Tohru
11/26/2015 at 11:42 |
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the fuel-injected Hemi under the hood screamed
Damn you. Now I want an Eagle wagon with a Hemi swap.
deprecated account
> Tohru
11/26/2015 at 11:55 |
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Bravo! You've done it again! Keep this up man!
Birddog
> Tohru
11/26/2015 at 11:56 |
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Bravo!! Take a bow for that one.