"pjhusa" (pjhuskinja)
11/21/2015 at 18:31 • Filed to: BMW, 525g
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"pjhusa" (pjhuskinja)
11/21/2015 at 18:31 • Filed to: BMW, 525g | 10
| 14 |
[image removed due to DMCA t akedown request]
Recently, a topic trending among the BMW community has been “brand dilution”. People are saying that BMW has been expanding into too many new, frivolous car classes, creating solutions to problems that never existed in the first plave. Well, BMW now presents a new product, the first in their line of SAAs (Sports Activity Animals), the 525g Gran Goat.
(Author’s Note: This is a work of satire, please take it lightly and humorously. Thank you.)
The design of the revolutionary, new 525g is extremely modern. The exterior is emblazoned with a large BMW logo. When you’re riding on one of these people will instantly know that you own the coolest thing on the road today. The interior is representative of the new luxury Goat class, or G-Segment. Regarding color choices, Mineral White is the only available exterior color, though the interior has a premium Saddle Brown SensaTec saddle (leather costs $1,450, but is standard on the 550g M Sport model). European models get cloth instead.
Equipment: As with recent BMWs, option packaging is quite ludicrous. iDrive is available, but only as part of the $2,500 Technology Package. Also, it is front-leg-drive; you must purchase the 535g or 550g xDrive models for the two rear legs. Surprisingly, Adaptive Cruise Control is standard. This is when the 525g decides to walk or stop to take a lil’ poo poo. M Sport package adds sporty accoutrements, including an aerodynamic bodykit (including flanks around the eyes, and an artificial tail), a Dakota Leather Black Sport Saddle with tri-color M Stitching, an extra-stiff ride for optimal handling, and forged Hoof Covers. Bluetooth is an option, in which BMW will color the 525g’s teeth, in the shade of Imperial Blue, just for you. BMW has also announced a new Individual program, where you can coat your 525g in varying color shades. All in all, standard equipment includes the SensaTec saddle, Front-Leg-Drive, and Adaptive Cruise Control.
The driving dynamics that have made BMW famous are echoed in the new 525g. According to popular automotive news blog Jelopnic, writer Jensen Terchinsky claims that the 525g can reach 0-2 miles per hour in only 25 seconds, and that the maximum power output is 1.5 horsepower. The 525g has a top speed of 10 mph. Quite evidently, this BMW is packing some serious power under the hood. The Aerodynamic Kit, M Sport Ride and Carbon Ceramic Hoof Covers featured in the 525g M Sport work wonders for the handling. The 525g goes around corners at a breakneck pace, with superior accuracy; it’s a true “Ultimate Driving Machine”.
While you’re having fun with your 525g, you needn’t worry about negatively impacting the environment. The 525g is an alternative fuel vehicle, as it doesn’t run on gas. It runs on a special, new source: food. Because it does not emit carbon dioxide, the 525g is extremely beneficial for the environment. Rather, it emits fecal waste, which actually helps surrounding plants as fertilizer!
The 525g was an innovation, a concept that no fellow automaker had thought of before; but just like the X6, competition was bound to arise. Mercedes-Benz has just released their new GLD-Class, for example, which covers the rough-and-tumble portion of this new automotive segment. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Should you buy a new 525g? Yes. It presents a new horizon of the private transportation market, and you’ll be an early adopter of a niche product. Equipment is not half-bad, control experience is like that of a true BMW, and emissions present no compromise. Finally, the 525g is the most composed and luxurious of its competitors.
Also, you can lease one for $369 per month at your local BMW dealer, with a down payment of only $4,250!
Image Credit: The Internet.
Van Man, rocks the Man Van
> pjhusa
11/21/2015 at 18:35 |
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“saddle brown”
MLGCarGuy
> pjhusa
11/21/2015 at 18:40 |
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Well my Lexus WG (stands for WorkGoat, isn’t that clever?) has a big mouth so it can eat your 525g, who wins now? It even has a semi-aniline leather saddle in Rioja Red standard, Sport mode (engaged with a swift kick), and automatic parking.
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pjhusa
> MLGCarGuy
11/21/2015 at 18:49 |
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Aggressive work goat you’ve got there.
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pjhusa
> Van Man, rocks the Man Van
11/21/2015 at 18:49 |
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SensaTec.
touring the brook - now with ZHP!
> pjhusa
11/21/2015 at 19:29 |
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But what about tuning options?
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pjhusa
> touring the brook - now with ZHP!
11/21/2015 at 20:22 |
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I heard that there will be a GB4 tune, increasing power output to two horsepower, by magic .
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touring the brook - now with ZHP!
> pjhusa
11/21/2015 at 20:44 |
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Probably by retuning the small intestine.
GE90man
> pjhusa
11/22/2015 at 08:37 |
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“gran goat”
Vincent Davidson
> pjhusa
11/27/2015 at 20:40 |
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Eric @ opposite-lock.com
> pjhusa
11/30/2015 at 16:27 |
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I wonder how it took BMW fans 15+ years to realize this “brand dilution” thing was going on? They’ve been making very random shit (that sells because roundel) for at least 10 years now... BMW = Boring Mom Wagon.
At least the 525g is a purist vehicle with no pretensions in the marketing material.
Alex B
> pjhusa
11/30/2015 at 19:09 |
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Is there a Gran Truismo option?
jmedarts
> pjhusa
11/30/2015 at 19:19 |
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Because it does not emit carbon dioxide, the 525g is extremely beneficial for the environment.
They’ve invented a goat that doesn’t breathe? Incredible.
Needed a crack about run flats. Probably shipped with one, but due to the lack of a trunk, the goat ate it.
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pjhusa
> jmedarts
11/30/2015 at 19:56 |
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You have a recognizable point.
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pjhusa
> Alex B
11/30/2015 at 19:56 |
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No, it’s only available in a Gran Goat model.