"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
11/21/2015 at 12:28 • Filed to: None
4
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"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
11/21/2015 at 12:28 • Filed to: None | 4
| 9 |
The Chevrolet Traverse is a blob of automotive amalgamation sucking in all aspects of the family vehicle into one metal balloon of suburban practicality. It’s the middle ground of all middle grounds, the car you get because your income fits the price, your habits fit the domestic nameplate, and the three rows of seats fit your 2 ½ kids and all their dumb little buddies.
Every Traverse is silver, even if it isn’t
The evolution of the family vehicle is an interesting one. Sedans were supplanted by station wagons, which were doomed by the Caravan and the era of the minivan. For a time it appeared as though the behemoth body on frame SUV was set to usurp the throne, but gas prices halted the Prince’s ascension.
This left manufacturers with no clear successor into which they should focus their efforts, a scary place to be during the financial crisis and Big Three bailouts. Vans were popular because of their cheapness, but SUVs made a lot of money and had a premium feel attached to them. So which camp does one pick?
Well, everyone knows that when you’re up against the wall and it’s game time, when you’re down but you have to prove you’re not out, when you have to dredge a centuries old reputation from the depths of a river it polluted for all those years, you have to be complete pussy and compromise instead of making a bold decision and trying to change the game.
Because what kind of fool takes risks
Crossovers were born of this attitude, dead center in the middle of both worlds. Take a car frame, but jack it up a few inches and give it an AWD system, and tires that say something about “trails” and “mountains” on the side. Make the front end look like every sedan your customer used to drive before the kids to encourage familiarity and approachableness, and make the back end vaguely reminiscent of your top tier SUV to incur a subconscious pang of covetous regret hopefully resulting in an upgrade a few years down the road. Attempt to make a vehicle drive like the car it once was even though it now has the weight distribution and aerodynamics of one of those weird Soviet Bloc cement art projects you might find in the middle of a Balkan field.
The behavior and design of the Traverse is no different, it’s a model crossover in a market saturated with options. Usable space is best described as “commodious”, although the option to remove the second row seats wouldn’t go amiss. But mainly this is a car for transporting people, and that is a job for which it is well suited. Even the cheap seats in the third row retain a semblance of comfort. But all that shit is boring. You can tell just by looking at the damn thing it’s practical. It has no style and it’s huge, because that’s how you make a vehicle for mothers (and a weirdly high amount of construction workers).
The GM-ness of this interior won’t be lost on anyone, but it’s laid out well enough and has all the equipment you could want. Springing for a higher trim changes the radio by adding in a touch screen, much improving the aesthetic
Problematically, even though the Traverse and it’s family are some of my favorite crossovers, I still hate the idea of owning one. But we all know it’s worked for manufacturers, and people must like it too. After all, they’re buying them in huge numbers.
But truly, I miss the dedication of vehicles past. AWD is not the same as 4WD, even if it can make it up the short hill at the ski resort parking lot. Minivans may be ugly, but their load space is unencumbered by rear driveline parts, and their seats come out (seriously why don’t the seats come out in the Traverse). SUVs might be terribly expensive, but the uncompromised presence, style, capability, and contempt for other motorists is what sets them apart. Crossovers may have it all on paper, but they don’t have it all in the heart. Ultimately, that’s the tale of this Traverse. It’s an appliance.
You wanna know how it drives? Who cares, I really couldn’t describe it to you. It just sort of goes. Rotating the steering wheel makes it go different directions. Pressing the gas makes it go slightly faster. It’s incredibly average for what it is, and that makes it completely and totally unremarkable. You don’t get a choice in engines or transmissions, you get 6 speed automatic and a 3.6L V6 engine that makes power and torque at various RPMs. Direct injection is advertised on the plastic engine cover, and the power level feels exactly adequate. As with all new cars, the brake pedal is touchier than that one guy who always grabs people by the head in the Fast and Furious.
Watch the movie again. Vince grabs at least 4 different peoples heads on multiple occasions.
So what do I really think of this car? I think it’s fine. Do you need just some moderately appointed vehicle which can fit many many items and children? Buy it. I honestly don’t think there’s any vehicle in the crossover market that stands out, but there are plenty that do the job well. The Traverse is one such paragon of adequacy.
Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 13:24 |
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Ahh! Stop it please! I’m having flashbacks of a loaner Equinox I had last month!
Dean Beyer
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 13:24 |
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When my friends say, “I don’t want a minivan and I don’t want an SUV but I need 3rd row seating.” I point them at the Traverse. I think it does perfectly what it’s supposed to do.
BaconSandwich is tasty.
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 13:28 |
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I suspect the seats don’t come out because there’d be no way to fit them through the door without having to remove the doors. Just a guess, though.
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Swayze Train GTi
> BaconSandwich is tasty.
11/21/2015 at 13:32 |
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I think they’d fit through the doors if they were in their folded configuration. They’d almost have to, otherwise you’d have to be quite clever in your assembly of the car, going through the rear hatch or putting them in before attaching the doors.
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Swayze Train GTi
> Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo
11/21/2015 at 13:35 |
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I find the Equinox to be far worse. Especially in the front interior, for one big reason. THEY TILT THE DAMN RADIO AND HVAC CONTROLS BACK AWAY FROM YOU. I always have to lean forward to hit any button, and I’m of average height.
I guess it would sort of make sense though. “Leaning forward” is the default driving position of every woman who drives one.
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BaconSandwich is tasty.
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 13:40 |
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I guess my experience comes from trying to stuff large objects into my car, and the doors don’t fully open (e.g.: less than 90 degrees) making it difficult to get particularly large things in/out.
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Swayze Train GTi
> BaconSandwich is tasty.
11/21/2015 at 13:43 |
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I’m certain I’ll get a chance to drive one again, and I’ll check. I swear, traverses/outlooks/acadias/enclaves make up about 35% of the cars I detail for the local Chevy dealer. It’s taken about 15 of them for me to form an opinion on what the car is like, and even so I only wrote this because I’m incredibly bored.
lunr
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 14:46 |
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This is probably the greatest car review of any crossover I’ve ever read.
coqui70
> Swayze Train GTi
11/21/2015 at 14:48 |
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Almost bought one of these but then came to my senses and bought a Toyota Sienna instead. Power sliding doors and much easier access to true 3-row seating for the win. Plus without the extra weight of the BS AWD and huge tires I can smoke these at any stoplight grand-prix.