Personal post

"El Rivinado" (joeman856) 11/11/2015 at 20:43 • Filed to: None

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Hey Oppo, I got a very personal question. Normally I stay away from posts like these since they bring out the crazies in really bad ways, but it’s something that’s been on my mind today and I need some outside sources.

Just for your time

So, I’ve been thinking about this again. For the past couple of years, I’ve been thinking about getting a vasectomy. I’m only 19 years old, so you can see why this seems like an odd thing to say. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and I’ve been wanting to go through with it, but every time I bring it up, I hear the same thing. “No. Don’t do it. You’re too young, so you’re not thinking long term” Etc. Normally the things I hear this from are just my dad and my family friends, I haven’t told my real friends about this, so I haven’t gauged their stuff yet. But, considering how wide Oppo usually is, I thought I might get some differing takes.

The question that some of you will be asking is why. Well, two reasons, one is simple enough, I don’t like kids. At all. I just really don’t like kids, so sheer hatred is enough to do this. The second reason however, is where it gets complicated. And extremely personal to boot.

I never grew up with a Dad that was there, he wasn’t home for the majority of the year and when he was, I wasn’t a fan of his company. All I remember as a kid, was him being abusive and demeaning to me, both verbally and sometimes physically. I don’t want to become like that, I’ve got enough stuff as it is, I don’t want to become like that. “Oh, but you can’t possibly guarantee you’ll become like your dad.” Well, there’s no guarantee that I won’t become like him either. I know this scorched earth strategy seems ridiculous, but it’s the only guaranteed option. I mean let’s face it, not every condom will work 100 percent of the time.

“Just because you feel this way now, doesn’t mean you won’t feel this way later in your life.” I’ve thought about this since 8th grade, even after doing a complete 180 in how I view the world and my personal and political beliefs, this has been one of the few things that hasn’t changed for me.

I understand why some of you might think I’m being insane, that doing this will guarantee that I’ll be limited for the rest of my life in a lot of ways. That by doing this, I cut myself off to a lot of relationship opportunities in the future (to be far, I haven’t even dated anyone yet. I was often viewed as a creep in high school, and I have crippling social anxiety around most women.) I know that some may say that “oh, having kids was the best thing ever for me.” Good for you, what works for you may not work for everyone.

Part of this is just fear, part of this is just stubbornness, and many might view part of this as ignorance. But, I really want to get this done, and while it’s my decision to make, I know that some people may not view it as the right idea. I don’t know, I get this may seem disjointed, but I really feel like getting this off my chest and seeing what some more experienced people on here might say. (I also attribute part of it to my mental disability, but that’s a can of worms that I’m not even going to get into. I don’t tell some of my closest friends about it in real life, I have even less confidence in telling internet strangers about it.)

I don't know. I just really don't know.

Nibby > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:46

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Too early, you never know years down the line you might want kids.

I feel like under 20, it’s too young to make such important decisions with your body.

dogisbadob > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:51

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Too early. See how you feel in 10 years.

Clown Shoe Pilot > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:52

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One guy talking - go for it if you can find a doc who will do it. You may find it difficult to find a doc that’ll do it for you though. Also, there are options if you change your mind. You can fire a couple shots of baby batter now and get it frozen, or if 20 years from now you just GOTTA make a baby, vasectomies are reversible for the right money.

There’s really no downside, other than a few days discomfort.

PatBateman > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:53

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I’d say wait. Honestly, a vasectomy won’t stop you from being a shit bag to people (as you have described your father). You very well might meet a woman that changes your mind about wanting to procreate. Yes, it happens. People meet others, fall in love, and want to make babies.

At age 19, you can’t see the forest from the trees yet. Wait a few years. If you haven’t even dated yet, what’s the rush?

It would probably be a good idea to see a counselor about these concerns. They will be able to allow you to remove the fear and stubbornness and let you make a rational decision. If your outlook is still the same after that, go get snipped.

deekster_caddy > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:56

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I’m over 40 and have two kids and am thinking about it now. One thing I can say for sure is that your thoughts and feelings do change as you grow older. At 20 I thought I would never want kids. But in my late 20s, I started looking for the woman I would want to help raise my children. I really have to agree that it’s too early in life to make that kind of permanent decision.

I’m glad I waited until my 30s to have kids, but sometimes it makes me feel old just trying to keep up with life.

Nibby > PatBateman 11/11/2015 at 20:57

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Should we tell him about our baby? ;)

Jcarr > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:57

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As a nearly 32-year-old father of a little boy, I would encourage you to hold off. You're still young and a lot could change in the next 10-15 years. In my opinion, it would be better to wait and be proven right, than to proceed and then be proven wrong.

ttyymmnn > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 20:58

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Give it some more time. I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t, I just think it’s a bit early in your life to make such a decision. Clearly, you’ve thought a lot about it, but you may also think about some professional help. And I don't say that because I think you’re crazy but because it might help you to understand your feelings better. Your experience with your father is likely having a greater affect on you than you may understand. As a man who is old enough to be your father, my advice is that you sleep on it. There are less drastic ways to make sure you don’t have children. Best wishes.

ttyymmnn > Nibby 11/11/2015 at 20:59

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Dammit, Nibby! You made me laugh.

PatBateman > Nibby 11/11/2015 at 20:59

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I thought we agreed to keep that on the DL, Nibby?!?!

Clown Shoe Pilot > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:00

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weird. you’re getting a lot of Austin oppo-pinion on this.

Nibby > PatBateman 11/11/2015 at 21:01

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Ooops. As long as Mrs. Bateman does not know...

Nibby > ttyymmnn 11/11/2015 at 21:01

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;D

DancesWithRotors - Driving Insightfully > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:01

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If you can hold off a few years, Vasalgel is about to start clinical trials, so it should hit the market in a few years.. Think reversible vasectomy, by putting a chemically-removable plug in the vas deferens.

I’m thinking of doing the same thing, since I’m creeping ever closer to 30, and my hatred of kids hasn’t gone away, but...

wafflesnfalafel > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:02

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absolutely not - things change, sh!t happens, leave yourself options

PatBateman > Nibby 11/11/2015 at 21:06

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I’ve told her everything. She’s convinced me to file for sole custody tomorrow.

I’ll be using your posts here as “Exhibit:A-infinity”.

PatBateman > Clown Shoe Pilot 11/11/2015 at 21:09

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Because older Austinites (not these damn new-moved in hipsters with their bullshit beards and suspenders) are smart people.

Spoon II > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:18

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You can reverse vasectomys I believe if you ever change your mind. That being said, I’d wait a bit. You never know who you’re going to meet. Maybe someone that’ll change your mind about the whole kid thing

XJDano > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:22

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Your choice.

Why I got it done. We had 2 kids. Girl then boy. The second pregnancy was harder on my wife’s body, so a third may have been even worse yet. Also at 2 we aren’t out numbered. So 2 kids were enough for us. I got fixed then with some other health stuff my wife got a procedure done which is similar.

Now I have a friend that also doesn’t like kids and got a vasectomy. I totally agree with his decision. (I think he was in His 20’s) It is something you have to think long & hard about. But in the end if you decide to its one less thing to worry about.

The Dr. did let me know that I could be reversed, but it’s a 50/50 shot to get it back working again.

When I had mine done, I wore this shirt.

luvMeSome142 & some Lincoln! > Clown Shoe Pilot 11/11/2015 at 21:23

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Good points. Banking some sperm sounds like a great solution. It’s hard to have an accident. “Oh shoot, the test tube broke.”

Nibby > PatBateman 11/11/2015 at 21:32

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Santiago of Escuderia Boricua > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:34

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Do it! I want to get mine done soon. Some planned parenthood centers will do it, and that should be way cheaper than a hospital

Tohru > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:38

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Get some samples frozen first in case you want kids, then get it done.

Just spring for the doc - DIY isn’t the way to go here.

yamahog > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:40

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Hey, glad you feel comfortable sharing :) I’m not a huge fan of reddit but if you have an account there, you might want to check out r/childfree. You are not alone, nor the youngest person to consider these things.

FWIW, my two cents - if you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids. This is not something you can compromise on with a future partner. If they want kids, and you don’t... it’s not going to work. I’ve had those conversations before and I am so much happier in a long-term relationship with someone who agrees with me on this. I, for one, would much rather regret not having children than regret having children. It wouldn’t be fair to them.

thebigbossyboss > Tohru 11/11/2015 at 21:41

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“DIY isn’t the way to go here”

LOL. Truth.

El Rivinado > Tohru 11/11/2015 at 21:43

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What made you think I was going the DIY route?

Nauraushaun > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:50

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Sorry, I’m in the wait crowd. You have a lot of growing to do. You’ll be a different person in 20 years and you don’t know what that person will want.

I’ve learned working in software that things you think are always going to be true just never are. So often we uncover rules and things that were implemented in systems 6 months ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, that were believed to always be true, but have been flipped due to completely unforseen circumstances. I’ve found this to be true in life as well. You have no idea what the future will hold. Ask your parents what they believed as a teenager, where they thought their life would take them.

There are benefits to the vasectemy. But life has taught me you can’t put all your eggs in one basket like that.

thebigbossyboss > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:52

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I would advise against this. I am 28 now. So I’m a little bit older but still have memories of being 19 years old.

You may be the greatest 19 year old that ever lived (or at least top 10...you are jalop after all) , but the thing is at 19 you’re still pretty young in the long run and still pretty immature.

I know I was. I know my brother was. I know my best friends were.

It’s just human nature. Ask anyone who is older “do you have a regret from when you were young and dumb” and chances are they do. This doesn’t have to be one of them.

If you’re not having sex now, there really is no advantage to doing it now.

When I was 19 and 20 and even up to 24 I didn’t really want kids. And now I’m 28 and do want kids. Things may change. They also may not. But if they do not, it will not be too late to get a vasectomy, but it *may* be impossible to go the other way.

All the best kiddo.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 21:59

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As we get older, our views change and adapt. You should revisit it in a few more years. You have a long life ahead of you.

koawaft1 > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 22:11

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As a 38 year old that had it done about 8 years ago. Wait till you’re 25. Things will change a lot in 6 years. You will be surprized. I would say there is a bigger difference between 19 and 25 than 12 and 18. Priorities change. You may enjoy the same things but what makes you happy will be different.

yamahog > Nauraushaun 11/11/2015 at 22:12

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you can’t put all your eggs in one basket like that

There’s a fertilization joke to be made here...

PatBateman > Nibby 11/11/2015 at 22:17

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That last one... The judge will be seeing that for sure.

fhrblig > Tohru 11/11/2015 at 22:24

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*frantically stabs at crotch with screwdriver*

Santiago of Escuderia Boricua > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 22:25

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Also, it would be a selfless act. The world is already overpopulated, and each child raises your carbon footprint by 20-40x! (in America)

Nibby > PatBateman 11/11/2015 at 22:37

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crown victor victoria > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 23:15

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As others have said, I would also vote for the “wait a few years” strategy.

For one, at 19, you’re likely to experience a ton of mental/emotional change in the next 5 years and beyond. I’m 37 now, and thinking back to when I was 19, I’ve learned and grown in ways that teenage version of myself couldn’t have anticipated. Things I thought were set in stone - political, social and religious views - all changed drastically in a matter of years. It’s not unreasonable to think you might feel differently about this in a decade.

I also have a vasectomy scheduled for December, so I just went through the Q&A stuff with my urologist. They are reversible, but generally the more time that passes between the vasectomy and the reversal, the greater the odds that the reversal may not work. Given that at some point you MIGHT feel differently about this, you might also appreciate an easier pathway to parenthood.

I think you can still accomplish your no-kids goal without surgically and somewhat permanently limiting your options.

TheRealBicycleBuck > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 23:19

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Go peruse a few of these sites before you make any decisions. Any surgery is risky. There are known complications that can occur. Chances are that everything will be fine, but somewhere between 22 and 33% end up with an allergy that will affects their ability to take many medications in the future (anything protamine-based).

Broken families are pretty common these days. I grew up in one and have managed to do fine with my own wife and kids.

And really, you may find you do like kids in the end. All of these people swore they were afraid of dogs, and look how they turned out:

shop-teacher > El Rivinado 11/11/2015 at 23:51

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You really should wait. Life can take you to strange places, you’re too young to be closing any doors on yourself. The real reason to wait is you, you’re growing to grow and change a LOT in the next 5-10 years. I know 29 year old me would barely be able to recognize 19 year old me. You may very well still feel this way about having children in 5-10 years ... but you may not.

Nauraushaun > yamahog 11/12/2015 at 00:25

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I know, I just couldn’t pull it off

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > El Rivinado 11/12/2015 at 02:15

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Even Planned Parenthood won’t do it if you’re under 25 years old. That’s all I’ll say.

Svart Smart, traded in his Smart > El Rivinado 11/12/2015 at 02:33

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I’m 28 and had the same no-kids view when I was your age. (And I still don’t want to procreate.) But there was that NPR story a few years ago suggesting that the human brain doesn’t fully mature until age 25, so you may want to give it a few more years before you make an irreversible decision, even though you probably won’t change your mind in the meantime.

for Michigan > El Rivinado 11/12/2015 at 05:37

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Local dealer has one of these on the back lot. It’s very tempting.

for Michigan > El Rivinado 11/12/2015 at 05:49

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I’m about to turn 23 and the last four years have held an unbelievable amount of change for me. College-freshman me wouldn’t even recognize the person I am today and probably wouldn’t like me very much either. He thought he had everything figured out and he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Because of that, I’d say give it a few years yet. If you still feel the same way when you’re 25, go for it.

yamahog > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 11/12/2015 at 07:19

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I believe that depends on the location, since I was able to get fixed under 25 (approved for Essure at PP, ended up getting a tubal ligation at a different hospital). Not a vasectomy, and I did have one local hospital turn me down (long story) but still.

It’s easily the best thing I have ever done for myself.

CaptDale - is secretly British > El Rivinado 11/12/2015 at 13:28

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Though I know how you feel about kids, I don’t think they do that procedure until after you are 25 because they don’t want people getting the surgery young then wanting kids and having it reversed then not wanting kids again and having it done again.

Tohru > El Rivinado 11/13/2015 at 16:28

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Better safe than sorry