Holy shit

"Horkin' Up Dangle Hams" (erob599)
11/06/2015 at 08:14 • Filed to: None

Finally watching “Need for Speed”. I cannot believe what my sensory perceptions are inputting into my brain.

I make a general effort not to go out of my way to shit on media that I don’t like, it’s immature and self centered, but this is even worse than I thought it would be. Not since “Redline” (sorry if, like me, the mere mention of that travesty film movie collection of images brings back horrible memories), have I seen a more terrible attempt at appealing to a mass audience and car enthusiasts. The plot is insane (OK, so are Fast and Furious movie, but those are legitimate fun). The whole first part of the movie (I’m only about 25 min in, but I don’t see this getting any better) is based around the idea that

A) A small shop in a small town in New York can build a basically OEM last gen Mustang from scratch

B) Said Mustang, based on the fact that it was a project between Ford and Carroll Shelby right before he died, thereby capitalizing on this poor old man’s death, is worth THREE MILLION DOLLARS. That’s American dollars, mind you.

C) This incredibly unaerodynamic vehicle will reach 230 MPH.

I’m sure there are more headache inducing moments to come. For anyone that knows the first thing about cars, or has a passion for cars, this movie is like a big steaming turd on their face. Why do they have to make everything seem so fucking lame! Even when they talk about the specs of the engine (they basically describe the newest iteration of the GT500, but magically add about 240 HP) it sounds so disingenuous, like a robot trying to describe the pleasures of sex. So many movies like this suffer from the same problems.

Now I will go back, and rage watch the remaining 1 hour and 40 minutes. Pray for me.

/rant

Edit: I failed to mention that every human being in the movie is a sociopath with no respect for human life. As a result, I have about as much attachment to the protagonist in this movie, as I do to the one in every NfS game I have ever played. Exactly none.

DISCUSSION (15)

Nauraushaun > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:17

Saw it in cinemas. The cringe was real

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > Nauraushaun
11/06/2015 at 08:26

I’m truly sorry that you spent money for this. You have my condolences.

Nauraushaun > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:29

It’s a pain that never heals

Justin Young > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:31

Kinja'd!!!

I like the movie.

haveacarortwoorthree2 > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:42

I love Mustangs. I love fast cars. I love good movies. This was not a good movie. This was not an average movie. This was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Drive Angry.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:47

Kinja'd!!!

So, you in the last panel, right?

deekster_caddy > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 08:48

I haven’t seen it yet, but. Keep in mind that it’s a movie based on a video game about going ridiculously fast sociopathically.

Van Man, rocks the Man Van > Justin Young
11/06/2015 at 08:57

Starred because puffin.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > deekster_caddy
11/06/2015 at 09:12

Correct, and I am willing to suspend my disbelief in the realm of video games, but there are much different expectations for a movie. We are supposed to relate with the character, there are supposed to be emotional stakes. I know this may seem like a ridiculous request for a movie like this, and I don’t expect Schindler’s List levels of catharsis, but this doesn’t even have an ounce of emotional sway.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > Justin Young
11/06/2015 at 09:13

And that, sir, is your absolute right here on Oppo. I will not infringe upon it, nor judge you by it.

Tohru > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 09:14

It has a fake gas door on the passenger’s side that opens the wrong way for the refueling while driving scene. The Mustang’s fuel door is on the driver’s side, and no vehicle that I know of has the gas door hinge at the rear of the vehicle, where air could pull it open while driving.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
11/06/2015 at 09:22

The accuracy is uncanny.

Actually, I truly wish I could let my brain wander away, but it is stuck here, seething.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > Tohru
11/06/2015 at 09:25

I just watched that part, but my mind was so over-taxed that I didn’t even notice. Now I have one more thing to add to the list.

I’m going to write it on a piece of toilet paper, like a patient in an insane asylum. It most be preserved. OTHERS MUST KNOW!

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams
11/06/2015 at 09:28

I would much rather watch a making-of documentary about how they built the cars and did all the stunts than watch the actual film.

When I saw the trailer for that steaming pile, I concluded instantly that my response would be, “Nope.”

I am never going to watch that garbage.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable)
11/06/2015 at 09:32

I 100% support the above statements.

I had the same reaction, but I was super bored, so I relented. It was a mistake.