Driving fast cars in Wisconsin has turned me into a menace

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein) 11/05/2015 at 18:01 • Filed to: None

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I live in Wisconsin. I like fast cars. I also try to move through traffic in a timely fashion. In Wisconsin, this makes me an anomaly, as I’m vastly outnumbered by slow drivers in slow cars. I’ve finally realized, this makes me a jerk.

I grew up and learned to drive in the DC suburbs. DC drivers most certainly aren’t known for their high-quality driving, but at least they keep things moving. This is probably because they sit in so much crushingly oppressive traffic all the time. On the rare occasions they find themselves not sitting in traffic, they go as fast as possible because they think the next traffic jam is about to surround them at any second.

Contrast this with Wisconsin: it’s a land of wide-open spaces, with lots of people who are used to driving long distances to do basic things like go to a grocery store. They’re just not expecting to get anywhere quickly. Here in Madison, people think traffic on our one and only main highway is really bad if they spend an extra 20 minutes getting to their destination. These people don’t even know what real traffic is .

Because of this lack of need to hurry and lack of any real traffic, many Wisconsin drivers exhibit the following behaviors:

Driving below the speed limit, especially on rural 2-lane highways with infrequent passing zones.

Not accelerating up to the speed of highway traffic before merging, so all of the cars behind them are stuck below the speed limit and can’t merge safely.

Waiting at intersections longer than they need to, and not bothering to keep up with the cars in front of them, which leaves everyone behind them stuck through another traffic light cycle.

Not turning right at red lights when they’re allowed to turn right on red, and there is no oncoming traffic.

Ceding the right of way when they have it. I’ve been at 4-way stop signs where everyone wants someone else to go first, they all wave at each other to go first, and NOBODY goes.

Basically, these people are moving one-person traffic jams. You know how everyone on the highway piles up behind a cop car and creates a 57 mph traffic jam? These Wisconsin lollygaggers have the same clouds of cars following them, except instead of the people behind them being too afraid to pass them like a cop on the interstate, the lollygaggers are like an arterial plaque making its way toward the brain, which causes everyone behind them to have a stroke.

The three likeliest vehicles to exhibit these Wisconsin driving behaviors are Priuses, Buicks, and pickup trucks with bed toppers. But there’s no predicting when you’ll get stuck behind some kind of lollygagger just taking their time, oblivious to the fact that people behind them might appreciate them getting the fuck on with life.

Here’s the problem:

Often, that pissed-off person behind the lollygagger is me, in some stupid vehicle that lets me go fast (current vehicles: a BMW 135is and a Jeep Grand Cherokee Hemi), expecting that I will be able to use my vehicle’s quickness to merge onto the highway at a speed resembling the speed limit, or to make it through a traffic light without waiting for it to cycle three times.

I know full well that I’m surrounded by a bunch of people whose driving habits are different from my own. I fully expect that they’re going to do the same old shit. I’ve lived here for 15 years and it keeps happening. And yet, I just can’t accept it.

So for example, yesterday I was driving my 135is to work, and waiting at the highway off ramp on the street where my office is. The light was red. One guy was in front of me. There was no oncoming traffic. He sat there. I waited some more, and a car came down the street. The one and only car passed by. There were no more cars coming.

I, seeing the complete and total lack of oncoming traffic, started to pull forward, only to realize that the guy in front of me STILL WASN’T FUCKING GOING ANYWHERE. I came this close to hitting him before I slammed on the brakes. If I had, it would’ve been my fault, because even though it would’ve totally made sense for him to pull forward in that situation, in Wisconsin, if you’re in your car, stopped behind another car, you can’t assume the person in front of you is going to start moving again, ever.

Was he in a Prius, Buick, or pickup truck with a bed topper? Nope, he was in an E90 BMW 328i.

Rico > Textured Soy Protein 11/05/2015 at 18:07

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Are you sure you’re the asshole? That list you gave us leads me to believe they are in fact the assholes. Seriously not merging on a highway at speed can put people’s lives in danger. Going under the speed limit is a pet peeve of mine, a local highway ramp has a 50 MPH speed limit and I sometimes get stuck behind someone doing like 30-35 so I lay on the horn as long as it fuckin takes to get them up to speed or until I can pass them.

Textured Soy Protein > Rico 11/05/2015 at 18:11

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It’s kind of like a flip of the old saying, “in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” In the land of the slow, the guy trying to not be slow is the jerk.

Maybe?

boredalways > Textured Soy Protein 11/05/2015 at 19:01

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Proud F.I.B. here.

My advice is to gently let the person in front of you know that you would like to pass and be out of THEIR way (all about reverse psychology). If you have DRL (or headlights on while driving long distances even in the daytime), position your car so your lights are constantly in their sideview driver’s mirror for long periods of time (30 sec - 2 min). Readjust to center behind for about a minute, then repeat. If that doesn’t get the message across, flash your highbeams at respectable intervals. Hopefully this will only last no more than 3 minutes before they get the message.

If that fails, then it’s time for the passive aggressive nuclear option. It’s better that I give you a personal example: I-65 in Indiana has 2 lanes in each direction for the majority of its stretches (left passing, right cruising). Once I had to center my car on the center stripes (half a car in each lane) and flash my brights repeatedly for a little more than a minute because the 2 cars cruised side by side just under the speed limit for about 3 miles. The car in the right lane got the message and sped up to allow me to pass. I didn’t acknowledge either drivers of those cars. I did not look at either of them. I did not curse or make any gestures at them either. I did not honk my horn at either of them at any time. I just went about my business. Also, 6 cars and 2 semis followed my lead to get around those two idiots.

We left them in the dust.

Textured Soy Protein > boredalways 11/05/2015 at 19:27

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This is why people in Wisconsin call FIBs, FIBs.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > boredalways 11/05/2015 at 19:33

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You had me at “Proud F.I.B.”

I love the Wisconsin scenery and have thought about moving north of the wall many a times, but the traffic just doesn’t have a clue ...oh and it’s cold.

boredalways > Textured Soy Protein 11/05/2015 at 19:41

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Yes.

And thank you.

boredalways > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 11/05/2015 at 19:50

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It is quite beautiful in Wisconsin. After living in the Bay Area for 7+ years as well, I learned to laugh at other drivers’ stupidity instead of getting mad or resorting to acts of road rage.

Also you’ve lived in Wisconsin for 15+ years, and you’re still cold!?

C’mon, buddy. Suck it up.

CCC (formerly CyclistCarCoexist) > Textured Soy Protein 11/05/2015 at 20:02

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SF Bay Area: Everyone wants to drive fast

wafflesnfalafel > Textured Soy Protein 11/05/2015 at 20:12

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completely agree with the folks snoozing or texting at lights so only three people get through thing... Super self centered. I am pretty quick to give a jerkish, (but polite,) >beep, beep< on the horn to get them to pay attention. Don’t make everybody else behind you wait another 10 minutes because you need to finish a text...

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > boredalways 11/05/2015 at 21:18

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Only for 2 years, the rest in Illinois, hence all my Wisconsin friends calling me a F.I.B.

I hate the cold, but I somehow deal with it.

boredalways > Tim (Fractal Footwork) 11/05/2015 at 22:07

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I love winters!

But I do understand that it’s not for most. Focus on completing the task at hand and you will worry less about the cold.

Or just think happy thoughts:

- Popeye’s 2 pc witha 40 shorty

- Ribs and a Old Style

- Chicago style deep dish cheese and Johnsonville brat pizza and a New Glarus Spotted Cow

- Passed out in Canada Corner after an Egger, track taters, bee sting, and a keg stand.

Tim (Fractal Footwork) > boredalways 11/05/2015 at 22:14

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Oh glorious spotted cow!

And Lou Malnati’s is the only Chicago deep dish worth eating.

WiscoProud > Textured Soy Protein 11/06/2015 at 10:24

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I grew up in Wisconsin and live here currently, but spent 8 years in Chicago. Chicago traffic is very similar to DC. Constant traffic jams and high speed inbetween. So I can see both sides. I would imagine that my wife and I are probably viewed as dick drivers because of our willingness to speed and take the gaps we need to. Although in Milwaukee the traffic is closer to Chicago than Madison.

I lived in Madison for a number of years. You’re absolutely right that they have no idea what traffic is. As soon as I moved to Chicago I would roll my eyes at anyone who would compare the beltline to the Kennedy or Eisenhower. There simply is no comparison.

I know the frustration. More than once I have had someone pull over in front of me because of how fast I came up behind them. I will say an effective method to get people out of the fast lane is to get up to their bumper at speed, back off a few car lengths, then charge back up. Repeat as necessary. From my experience flashing your lights does nothing.

Textured Soy Protein > WiscoProud 11/06/2015 at 13:36

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I really hate tailgating people so I try to avoid it unless someone is being a particularly bad moving roadblock. I honk at people not getting moving quickly enough at lights and stop signs ALL THE TIME though.

Textured Soy Protein > wafflesnfalafel 11/06/2015 at 13:36

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I use my horn way too much for this exact reason.

WiscoProud > Textured Soy Protein 11/06/2015 at 15:33

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Same here. They get a second or two, then I'm giving them a honk.

Tohru > Textured Soy Protein 11/11/2015 at 21:36

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Oi. As a Wisconsin owner of both a pickup truck and a Buick (they are separate cars, unlike your picture), I don’t do any of this.

I do a lot of WOT passing on 2-lane backroads in the Bonneville.

MasterMario - Keeper of the V8s > Textured Soy Protein 11/12/2015 at 13:23

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I’ve lived in Wisconsin my whole life and I’ll concede that merging onto highways at slow speed and slow people on 2-lane roads are fairly common I don’t see the other things very often. One thing I’ve noticed though is that on the freeways most people move over and don’t lollygag in the left lane. And then you get the FIBs who feel that 20 over is acceptable and will ride your ass until you move over even if you are already passing a line of slower moving vehicles. My 2 cents

shop-teacher > Textured Soy Protein 11/13/2015 at 00:08

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Wisconsin is one frustrating state to drive through, if you’re in anything resembling a hurry. A few years ago, when my wife was pregnant with our first, she had a scare while I was in Milwaukee. I had to get back to Chicagoland immediately. Thanks to the patented Wisconsin “Everybody spread out just a little and slow down” driving technique, I could not see the high side of 70 mph. As soon as I crossed the Illinois border, I was doing 90.