Why Your Car Sucks: 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat

"Sweet Trav" (thespunbearing)
09/16/2014 at 10:47 • Filed to: why your car sucks

Some people are fans of the Challenger SRT Hellcat. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Challenger SRT Hellcat. This 2014 tongue-in-cheek car "review" is for those in the latter group.

This is part of an ongoing series of articles I will be writing using the formula laid out by Drew Magary on Deadspin.

Your Car: 2015 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat .

Your 2015 Model Year Vital Stats: 707* HP 650* ft/lbs of torque. Six Speed Manual or a Torqueflight 8 speed automatic. It weighs substantially more than Jupiter, rides on a 10 year old platform and is assembled in Canada, the friendliest place on earth. All of this can be yours for less than a well optioned Ram 3500 Diesel.

Your Engine: Yep, It's got a Hemi.

The Challenger Hellcat shares its name with the Grumman fighter plane of World War II, It however does not share the vigor of the Grumman Hellcat's 2000 horsepower 48L dual row radial 18 cylinder engine, instead the Challenger Hellcat will have to settle for a measly 707* horsepower, the fuel economy of the Challenger Hellcat, will however come much closer. Much of the Hellcat's power is derived from the Japanese IHI blower bolted to it's 6.2l V8, ironic then that an American muscle car built in Canada is powered by V8 named after a WWII carrier based fighter plane used to fight Japan in the Pacific theater. Somewhere there are veterans are weeping.

Your Aesthetics Recipe: Over low heat, reduce a 1970 Challenger R/T to essence of Vanishing Point, pour reduction over a parts bin full of Mercedes E-Class and S-Class components, add cheap interior plastics, douse in Hellcat hot sauce, garnish with mullet. Serve with copious amounts of donuts. Smoking jacket remains optional but recommended.

What's new that sucks: 650* ft/lbs of torque through 275 mm Pirelli tires will mean your tire budget will be higher than most Chrysler exec's house payments. The rounded front fascia is far more Road Runner than Challenger.

What has always sucked: Good Lord is it fat! The suspension is rather ill equipped to put 707* hp down. In traditional Mopar muscle car fashion, it won't go around a corner as well as its competition, It's fifteen inch brakes will make little difference when stopping as this vehicle has its own gravitational pull. It has a Chrysler interior.

What might not suck: The Asterisk. No one really knows how much power this engine will actually make. Is it underrated as the SVT Cobra's were? What is the true potential of this engine? Something tells me shortly after the Hellcat's release John Hennessy will find out. Bolting up some drag radials to this beast can result in a quarter mile time of 10.8 seconds stupid fast for any factory vehicle.

Share your opinions in the Comment Section Below. Remember, This is all in good fun.

DISCUSSION (100)

anothermiatafanboy > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 10:53

Does the car make sense? No. Does it have its obvious downsides? Yes. Should we rejoice that we are able to buy a 700 horsepower Dodge that boogies down the quarter mile in 10.8 seconds from the factory? Fug yes! Entertaining article, though.

themushman > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 10:56

Humorous article. However, most of the Mercedes components are now replaced. 2013 Charger and 300 switched to new electronic controlled suspension, and the incoming ZF 8speed replaced that piece of crap NAG1 Transmission. For what its worth, I think those were the last remaining Mercedes parts.

KTMStriker > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:01

This is pretty great. About time someone else, even if jokingly, recognized that this is not the best car ever.

Gated Manual > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:03

Motor Trend's Ignition just did a review of the Hellcat and put it on a dyno... at the wheels:

669 bhp

606 lb/ft torque.

BarryDanger > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:13

I'm liking this! Why your team sucks are some of my favorite deadspin articles.

MHunter905 > themushman
09/16/2014 at 11:20

All they are gonna do is swap the crappy Mercedes parts for some crappy Fiat parts that are gonna be used on the hotly anticipated Fiat Panda Hellcat which will pump out an astonishing 107hp :P .... Besides all that its still a Dodge that handles about as well as the Caravan with a full load of kids on their way to soccer practice. Its kinda like that shopping cart I always get that has the one wonkey wheel and you never know whats going to happen around the next corner.

JR1 > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:27

You mention all the different parts from different countries as if it is a bad thing. What Dodge was actually trying to do with this car was create a rolling symbol of the American way for the world.

Hellcat the melting pot of the car world.

Sweet Trav > JR1
09/16/2014 at 11:28

The Hellcat is a rolling symbol of AMERICA FUCK YEA!

themushman > MHunter905
09/16/2014 at 11:31

hahahaha

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:33

Awesome.

Love this style, keep it up!

I loved all the why your team sucks leading up to NFL (and I'm a cowboys fan so it cut deep lol, even worse i'm the cowboys fan who's never been to texas that they make fun of!)

RX > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 11:46

*Built in Canada

Audi-os, Amigos! > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/16/2014 at 11:46

even worse i'm the cowboys fan who's never been to texas

You are the scum of the earth.

Sweet Trav > RX
09/16/2014 at 11:48

by an Italian-American company, incorporated in the UK

Dusty Ventures > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 12:20

I'm loving these! That said, the quip on stopping distance is a bit muted by Motor Trend's just a day or two ago releasing a video showing the car stops from 60 in just 106 feet, which places it among the best in the braking department (a GT-R stops in just 7 fewer feet).

Sweet Trav > Dusty Ventures
09/16/2014 at 12:24

With 707 hp on tap there's no way you'll be stopping from anything less than 115 miles per hour.

RX > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 12:32

Incorporated in the Netherlands, headquarters in the UK.

As Long as There is Beer I'm There. > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 12:40

Someone's got a case of the Tuesdays.

I see it like this...

We Made a Supercharged rediculous mobile. Everyone rejoice.

What Sucks: Its not as Halo model as it could be

What doesn't suck: If it had a balls-to-the-wall new interior, exterior mods etc? It wouldn't cost as little as it does.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Audi-os, Amigos!
09/16/2014 at 12:43

LOL

I thought those were Yankee fans who'd never been to NYC?

Anyhow, I was a fan of Emmit Smith when I was a kid and he was on TV non stop. Played with him in video games even. So I stuck with the cowboys. I don't walk around in cowboys gear talking them up and reminiscing about the "glory days of Cowboys football". BUT at least I'm not a fair weather fan who ditched them once they became terrible. At least I'm true to it.

And I had been waiting for the deadspin why the cowboys suck to listen to all of the insults aimed DIRECTLY at me.

Boiled Frog > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 12:49

Dusty Ventures > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 13:56

Ha! Fair enough!

Audi-os, Amigos! > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/16/2014 at 16:55

I want so very badly to like you.

But then I remember what you've done and I cannot forgive.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Audi-os, Amigos!
09/16/2014 at 16:57

Hahahaha. I understand.

I really do.

No one likes random cowboys guy.

If it helps, I rarely ever watch NFL. I'm a college football guy. Where I'm a fan of Michigan State University.

Where I graduated from, so you better not hate on that one lol

BlackLab > KTMStriker
09/16/2014 at 17:22

I love the Challenger - but no one thought it was the best car ever. Have you ever driven a Challenger its f'in HUGE. It's like pickup truck size. Its like a really cool pickup that you can haul ass around corners (for a pickup) but its still one of the biggest things a lot of people have driven.

The only bigger thing I have driven was a moving truck one time when I moved - and my brothers pickup once.. haha. The challenger gives you different feelings then say a real sports car like Porsche. Not bad - just different..

The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 17:59

The Hellcat: For manly men who have hairs growing out of hairs on a chest that is consistently covered with some obscure 80's hard/soft rock band logo and a worn out leather jacket that's been patched one too many times by their wives, who themselves secretly want the damned thing out of the driveway, but fully admit to having their neck-hairs stand on end when their hubby gives it the beans.

BReLp7dzHM3ytYsE > anothermiatafanboy
09/16/2014 at 18:02

That's a very fair assessment. My beef is with those that say that this thing is way better than a ZL1 or GT500. Those are much more rounded machines than this.

Vin > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:05

Share your opinions in the Comment Section Below. Remember, This is all entirely true and irrefutable - especially when it comes to the goddamn Hellcat.

FTFY. But seriously:

Kinja'd!!!

325xi Touring not brown/diesel > anothermiatafanboy
09/16/2014 at 18:08

What's the down side?

oldirtybootz > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:16

"The rounded front fascia is far more Road Runner than Challenger."

Yes! Definitely reminiscent of the 1970 and up Road Runners. Not that I have a problem with that, the 1970 mid-size Plymouth is one of my favorite cars.

PatBateman > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:19

If this were a real opinion, I would be tempted to invite you over to my apartment to listen to Huey Lewis and the News while I wear a plastic raincoat.

Nicely done, good sir. Nicely done indeed.

VR1 > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:25

My dad actually helped enginner the Supercharger the hellcat uses.

That said.. I'm not it's biggest fan. I do love the idea, don't get me wrong; but I care much more about steering feel, handling, and the ability to throw it around waaaaaaay more then outright power. I personally would rather have a 4C, F80 M3, Cayman used NSX/Viper, or used GTR over the hellcat. That said, still love the idea, especially becuase my dad helped engineer it!

Andrew Daisuke > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:27

Wait, this thing is going to come with 275's ??????

Way too small, needs moar 305's.

fishingWithFredo > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:29

'It has a Chrysler interior.'

Too much info!

Neo-manualist > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:30

I'm honestly not convinced that many many more people are not fans of the Hellcat.

theo > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:31

" What has always sucked: Good Lord is it fat!" yet the charger which is actually heavier has a 5mph faster top speed and does the quarter mile faster also because the extra weight helps the launch... heavier isn't always worse, thats just something people with pussy engines say

Vintage1982Benz > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/16/2014 at 18:31

Go Green!

HOW THE F ARE YOU AN EMMIT SMITH FAN?!?!

We had a pretty good RB named Barry Sanders hanging around in Michigan around the same time, you may have heard of him. He played for the Lions.

Americanitis1 > Audi-os, Amigos!
09/16/2014 at 18:32

+1 battery thrown from this Eagles fan

savethethirdpedal-angry at anger management > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:32

After a long day full of B.S. at work, and more B.S. at home, reading this article made me smile & laugh.

Great work, definitely keep these coming!

DrGonzho > RX
09/16/2014 at 18:43

The Hellcat is a rolling symbol of: CANADA... FUCKIN' EH!

pfftballer > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:44

You had me till the Henessey reference.

PatrickPM > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:44

We always hear that these cars are the last of their breed, yet they still continue to be made along side hybrids and more efficient diesels. I am sure we all have lost count of the times Jeremy Clarkson has told us he is driving the last V12 ever to be made

Nick-Speed > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:48

AND; That engine HEMI is a trade marked marketing moniker only. The combustion chamber design is in no way a Hemi.

rkmvca > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:51

Love the idea and the attitude, needs a bunch of editing for grammar :)

WINGZERO > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 18:56

Handegg

clquake > theo
09/16/2014 at 19:04

So, should I add an extra 1000 lbs to all my cars? It has a higher top speed due to gearing. 1/4 mile is also due to gearing. You are the first person ever to say a heavier car is better.

Marek > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
09/16/2014 at 19:06

Please tell us you are from Philly or even better Delco

CyanogenModFTW > RX
09/16/2014 at 19:07

With an engine made in *Mexico*

CyanogenModFTW > MHunter905
09/16/2014 at 19:09

It weighs more than the caravan LOL

MassMopar > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:11

"It has a Chrysler interior." Oh fuck off - Chrysler interiors have been world beaters since good ol Sergio took the helm.

Hounddogg > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:15

Tell that to Canada...where it's built.

Auto Financer > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:17

Just like you dont get the frs/brz, you just dont get this car, it doesnt need to handle well it has all the power in the world.

Sweet Trav > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL
09/16/2014 at 19:17

Sweet Trav > PatBateman
09/16/2014 at 19:18

Thank you sir!

Auto Financer > anothermiatafanboy
09/16/2014 at 19:19

People who defended the brz/frs saying it doesnt need anymore power should defend this car based on people just not getting this car. Its the polar opposite car, therefore should be defended just as much.

Sweet Trav > savethethirdpedal-angry at anger management
09/16/2014 at 19:20

That alone is a good enough reason for me to write more of these!

Sweet Trav > Auto Financer
09/16/2014 at 19:20

Up next week: FRS/BRZ

Sweet Trav > rkmvca
09/16/2014 at 19:21

I went to school for Political Science, be happy I can string two sentences together.

Herr Quattro - Has a 4-Motion > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:23

The hellcat will suck until this happens:

Kinja'd!!!

Mailbox Cancer > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:27

I lol'ed. Thanks.

Old-Busted-Hotness > Dusty Ventures
09/16/2014 at 19:27

The real test is how fast it slows from top speed to legal speed.

exquisite > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:29

I understand that this is done mostly in jest. But it has been driven a bunch including very recently by Motortrend and Carlos was impressed by how well behaved it was and stable at speed. Sounds like it is rather well equipped. :) Also by now the suspension geometry has been changed so much it shares very little with it's parents. Also the new interior is not cheap.

Again I understand the intent of this but those are shaky arguments at best. It would be like me calling a Ferrari a glorified Fiat 500 or a Porsche a fancy Beetle.

Art > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:42

I am a Ford fan and want to see this hellcat face the GT500 in an all out burnout competition until the tires melt.

Sweet Trav > Art
09/16/2014 at 19:43

I think that is one area that Ford will take second place. I'm no fan of the mod motor due to its wonky rod/stroke ratio and bore/stroke ratio.

Astonius > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:44

It has a Chrysler interior.

Chrysler interiors nowadays are actually quite nice. I can't speak for the Challenger in particular, but my RAM has one of the nicest interiors I've ever seen/felt.

Sweet Trav > Old-Busted-Hotness
09/16/2014 at 19:48

Touche Salesman.

squelchUK > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:52

Someone might need to go to translate.google.com to explain to the yanks what 275mm is in old-fashioned measurements

PatBateman > The-Ever-Socially-Apathetic TBAL
09/16/2014 at 19:53

So, it's for me?

David muscleguy > Herr Quattro - Has a 4-Motion
09/16/2014 at 19:53

oh man you just....ohhh fuck that is beyond ugliness! fuck i feel really really bad please GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

MFEJAL grey because who knows... > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:54

You forgot to mention only has 2 doors. Try to seat two toddlers at the back.

ps: Charger Hellcat 2016 has 4 doors, and one will be mine.

Sweet Trav > squelchUK
09/16/2014 at 19:55

The funny thing is, us yanks couldn't estimate 275mm with our hands, but if you asked how big a 275 tire is, car guys could easily show you with our hands.

Toyotathong! > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 19:56

Hilarious. Promise that the zo6 and mustang get the same treatment eventually.

DetroitMuscle > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:00

This author must be a real blast at parties.I can hear him complaining about the weather too hot or cold,his wife's tits are too small or big,how great his Prius is,and on and on.

Sweet Trav > Toyotathong!
09/16/2014 at 20:00

Already did the Corvette Stingray, The Z06 will get its turn.

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/why-your-car-s…

Sweet Trav > DetroitMuscle
09/16/2014 at 20:01

I'll bet he doesn't even know what word satire means. He's such an ass!

Alabimmer > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:09

You, sir, are the devil's advocate. The real one, not the Keanu Reeves version.

Renescent > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:11

What's sucked for a really really long time... it's still a Chrysler.

Sweet Trav > Alabimmer
09/16/2014 at 20:14

Kinja'd!!!

TXNIL > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:16

Have you even seen the new Hellcat???

Sweet Trav > TXNIL
09/16/2014 at 20:16

Have you ever read satire???

TXNIL > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:17

I guess should have added a "bruh" at the end...

BigBlock440 > clquake
09/16/2014 at 20:18

Wat? It has the exact same transmission, so that leave the rear. So it has a better rear end ratio for both acceleration and top speed? No, the few MPH differences in speed are due to aerodynamics, not gearing.

FrederickLawOlmsteez > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:21

Bolting up some drag radials to this beast can result in a quarter mile time of 10.8 seconds stupid fast for any factory vehicle.

If I'm not mistaken, any car that can get into the 10s is required to have a full cage at most tracks. It should come with a cage from the factory. What's another 200lbs?

Sweet Trav > FrederickLawOlmsteez
09/16/2014 at 20:23

Some tracks yes, Some tracks no, depends on whether they follow NHRA or IHRA rules, or if they have shit insurance.

If I owned a track, any more than 11.50 and I'm checking each weld on your cage son.

PyroHoltz f@h Oppo 261120 > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:25

Don't forget there are some saying this thing puts out North of 800 HP.

http://jalopnik.com/source-hellcat…

Dusty Ventures > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:27

Please do the GT-R at some point. I would like to bask in the warm glow of the inevitable butthurt nuclear meltdown.

Sweet Trav > Dusty Ventures
09/16/2014 at 20:30

Trust Me. Everyone will get theirs.

Herr Quattro - Has a 4-Motion > David muscleguy
09/16/2014 at 20:34

What?

Kinja'd!!!

Leadpants > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:38

I'm a big mopar fan...and you made a really good article and your points are all there especially the interior of the last ones but the new ones are pretty great. :)

Sweet Trav > Leadpants
09/16/2014 at 20:40

Thank you. It's a gift. Most people say I am "Gifted and Talented" buy I try really hard.

Leadpants > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 20:41

Well your doing a good job keep er up bud +1

theo > clquake
09/16/2014 at 20:57

A) no I'm not.. if I was the challenger would be the same size as a mustang. And B) Ive heard nothing about the gearing being different but if you would kindly go to youtube and watch the press release of the hellcat charger (where the CEO of dodge says that its faster due to weight) ill think you'll be ready to run to the bathroom and blow your previous ideas out your ass. :)

Burt > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 21:03

I would say you could do one of these reviews for my car, but that would be a legitimate review. Bad idea.

Boss2452stolemylunchmoney > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 21:41

Really though, not that heavy compared to its European competition. Like the fantastic M6, which weighs more than the Hellcat. And it's suspension is supposed to be pretty capable according to the people who've actually driven it.

dogisbadob > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 21:52

Here's some problems:

No manual Charger Hellcat

No Magnum Hellcat

No Grand Cherokee or Durango Hellcat

the poor handling and shitty interior you pointed out

Yeah it's heavy even for a big sedan, and the Chally is also too heavy for a coupe, no amount of weight can stop a hellcat!

This engine should make its way into a Ferrari or at least a Maserati! Do you think there will be a Ghibli Hellcat?

Sweet Trav > dogisbadob
09/16/2014 at 21:54

No because if they put the Hellcat in a Ferrari 458 it truly would be the best car in the world and then Italians would have nothing to embellish when arguing.

Cochese: 4k120fps > Vintage1982Benz
09/16/2014 at 22:01

He played for the Lions. And they still lost. Constantly.

NotSoSlowAsThat > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 22:02

Dyno's 665-670 consistently. So, more like 800hp at the crank.

Skip to 4min for dyno pulls.

RockThrillz89 > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 22:16

" Smoking jacket Members Only jacket remains optional but recommended."

None of that hoity-toity, velvet fluff in that car. We carry our cigs in our front t-shirt pocket round ch'eer, thank you kind sir.

Sweet Trav > RockThrillz89
09/16/2014 at 22:17

I thought fellas like you kept them rolled up in your sleeve...

RockThrillz89 > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 22:22

No sir, not I. This ain't nun-a-no Grease Lightning. Why else would God create a t-shirt with a front pocket. That's right, for cigs.

ColonialSaab > Sweet Trav
09/16/2014 at 22:23

Travis you sorry sumb***h, did you just badmouth the Hellcat, even in jest? The Hellcat? For reals? WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOM AND DEMOCRACY?!?!? MOVE TO PYONGYANG!