Damn you Clarkson, you've ruined everything.

"t_s" (t_s) 09/16/2014 at 08:29 • Filed to: Jeremy Clarskon, Top Gear

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There has been a bit of buzz in the past few days about Top Gear and its oft-controversial host Jeremy Clarkson. This has prompted me to have a bit of a think about Top Gear and what it's done for cars and car people.

I love Top Gear, I always have, it makes great television, plus it's got lots of cars and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But Jeremy and friends have ruined the once quiet, seldom understood psychophysical state sometimes known as being a car guy. Yes I know, that's a bit of a bold statement, but allow me to elaborate.

There once was a time when during a conversation over a few drinks with acquaintances, the subject of current automobiles would be broached and the stock "what are you driving these days" question would crop up. Anything vaguely interesting, left field or just plain old fast was an immediate mating call to fellow petrolheads. Having established a connection we could quietly retire to our corner of the table and begin communicating in our octane-based Esperanto, discussing the finer points of the limited-slip differential, heel and toe and variable valve timing while our other friends and long-suffering spouses would roll their eyes and retire to their inane conversations about football, clothing or the latest edition of whatever shite passes for television.

Those days are gone. Dead and buried. The meaningful automotive conversation has gone the way of the three-speed automatic and non-'lifestyle' off road vehicles. And I lay the blame squarely at the feet of Jeremy Clarkson.

Picture the scene, here we are, a couple of drinks have already been cleared and here is the question, "so what are you driving these days?" You answer, somewhat shyly "a 911." Without warning, the boorish oaf who's already starting to slur slobbers the conversation killer, "hah, they're just Beetles in drag."

"How so good sir?"

"Clarkson said so."

At this point you try to discuss the matter; you're a car guy after all, trying to convince this idiot that a 911 isn't a Beetle is still much better than talking about fucking football. But you are met with a stone wall of "but Clarkson said so."

A few weeks later, here you are at a dinner party, once again, there is the magic question, "actually I just picked up a nineties Mercedes 500E, they're never going to get any cheaper!" Across the table that accountant you only met five minutes ago perks up, "six speed?" Hello, this could be interesting. "No, it was only available as an auto." He looks visibly crestfallen and somewhat disgusted, "that must suck, automatic transmissions are complete crap."

"Really? Actually it's quite nice to drive."

"Yeah but Clarkson said autos suck!"

"Be that as it may, it's actually a very good transmission. What are you driving?"

"BMW X5."

Remembering last time, you tune out, and idly daydream about smacking a six speed up the side of his head.

You hope it's just a passing phase, you decide that you must retire to somewhere where you will be amongst equals, like-minded people. So you go to a car show. There you are, parking your pride and joy when up saunters a young guy, with an interested look on his face, "what power does that thing make?"

"Oh, dunno, I guess maybe 400 at the wheels?"

"That's pretty crap mate, that new M5 would rip it up around the track, Clarkson said so."

Oh jog on you useless fuckmook, I'm sure there's a scantily clad Monster-liveried booth professional over there who can distract you.

It's a never ending torture machine, and Clarkson is the creator. I've given up, I no longer make any automotive remarks in public, I don't even try to discuss any form of racing. Now, whenever someone asks me what car I drive I lie to them and tell them it's a diesel Audi A4 station wagon. The mark of the automotive ignoramus, they're more common that telephone poles in Italy and absolutely nobody who gives a shit about cars in this country would have anything to do with one. I am therefore marked out as a person towards whom no recycled Clarksonian nonsense can be directed and I can finish my fucking drink in peace.

Thank you Mr. Clarkson, while you may have made an hour out of a given week entertaining with your television antics, the absorption of your comedy as motoring maxims has made the once quiet passion of being a car guy a very private affair.

Because once the conversation veers even vaguely towards the vehicular, I'm surrounded by mouth-breathing dickheads who can only regurgitate your nonsense ad nauseam.

CalzoneGolem > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:36

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#YeOldeBritishProblems

ncasolowork2 > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:42

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What did he say this time? Sorry I didn't read everything in case it was in what you wrote.

djmt1 > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:47

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Why do people outside the UK hold JC in such high regard?

We barely tolerate him here and only because he punched Piers Morgan in the face three times.

bob and john > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:47

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usually, i try to figure out who is a car guy.

if they are clearly not, or a d-bag without his own opinions, then I know not to hang out with that person.

nFamousCJ - Keeper of Stringbean, Gengars and a Deezul > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:49

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I think this goes for any situation but if someone isn't able to draw their own conclusions and justification for thinking so rather than just basing it off that of another person - their argument is moot. I won't discuss politics with people because they're so quick to say "because Obama says this" or "because Rush says so". Same goes for religion "well why do you think that's wrong?" "Because Jesus/the bible/your deity of choice says so".

Do I think it's funny when people joke about 911's being fancy beetles? Sure it's because of VAG, they're design history, etc - but in the end I know it's a joke and they're very different vehicles. I will preferably joke that all generations of Porsches look the same because you can actually do some Google image searching on that for humorous results.

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:49

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What the fuck kind of dumb ass "car" people are you hanging out with? I've never encountered any of this. Never once have I heard someone defend an argument with "clarkson said so"

t_s > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 08:50

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That's the point, they aren't car people, they think they are because they watch Top Gear...

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:53

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So talk about cars with real car people, like you used to. I think Top Gear has been brilliant at exposing cars to non-car people. Sure some are idiots but there are plenty of people who are into cars now because of Top Gear, more car people is a good thing not a bad thing.

djmt1 > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 08:53

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I have but the people who use that excuse with me are new car guys and are at that stage where they believe anything they are told by a car owner. Only a few years ago I too was ignorant and worshiped at the altar of Top Gear but then I got Forza 3 and realised that I like Porsches and since then have pretty much ignored anything Top Gear has said, I'm there to be entertained, nothing more.

yamahog > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 08:54

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Because being an Anglophile is super trendy for some reason?

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > t_s 09/16/2014 at 08:55

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There has always been those kind of car people. I've never had a car conversation so sour so fast, and this sounds more like your talking with people not very knowledgeable. The only criticism of owning a 911 I've heard in a serious sense is they are a bit common, nobody with half a brain is going to call it a Beetle seriously. There are still people out there that will discuss variable valve timing, or shifting techniques, they are just harder to find now.

What Clarkson has done is bring to car, whether it Mclaren or a tired old Range Rover, into the living room of millions. And for better or worse has broadened to scale of people which cars appeal too. Its not an exclusive little boys club anymore.

djmt1 > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 08:58

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This is what they aspire to be?

I'm not sure whether I'm proud or worried.

Sweet Trav > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:01

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Listen, The 911 in its earlier forms was a beetle in drag. Porsche does have the laziest design team in the universe. These are all funny because they are true. But as much as I hate Porsche they do build some terrific cars. Most of what Clarkson says, there's at least a little truth.

Do manuals suck? Apparently not if they only capture less than 10% of the automotive buying public. That tells me there are actually lots of decent alternatives to manuals, its not as if when you choose an automatic your have to give up a kidney and your pinky toe. It is however easy to argue that hooning around a track, a Row-your-own manual is more fun. Given examples like the ZF 8spd and the GM 8l90E, the slushbox is no longer a deal breaker for me, I mean autos have been the best for drag racing for years. You can get a lot of attention on the airwaves, magazines and the internet for having polarizing opinions and hyperbolic language. Clarkson is a combination of BBC news and the Onion, One is designed to deliver insight on the world, the other is an entertainment media. The problem being, you cant tell which program you are watching.

The X5 is crap, in the same way that steak knife is crap as a blender. Both are kitchen utensils, both have blades, but serve very different purposes. That leads me to another criticism, while hard, when reviewing a car, look at it in a vacuum first, try to make your decision on the vehicle's merits, THEN compare it to its rivals. I mean yes a Ford Fiesta is utter shit compared to a Ford GT, but compared to its direct rivals, it's close to top of the heap. The same can be said of the X5. How often does Clarkson mention a rival in the first 30 seconds of a film beginning?

Those who cant separate satire from news are the reason why Facebook has a satire tag now. The truth is, car people, gearheads, petrol heads whatever you want to call them, haven't driven half of the cars they have an opinion about. I can unabashedly say that is true in my case, and I've driven quite a few cars in the 11 years I've had a drivers license. We assume, we read reviews, we listen to the Auto-journos. However Clarkson is to automotive journalism to what the Onion is to news: Entertaining?... Oh Yes. Based in truth?... To some degree. Accurate?... Not Really.

So to the next person that says automatic transmission sucks, the 911 is a beetle or that the X5 is pointless because Clarkson says so, Give them a lesson in hyperbole and satire, just start talking to them in Onion headlines.

yamahog > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 09:01

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Blame Harry Potter and the Royal Wedding/Baby/Fetus.

Don't worry, any time I find myself thinking some British accents might be charming, I just whip out my Big Book of British Smiles:

ly2v8-Brian > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:04

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Gotta say, never actually met anyone like that, but that could be because I'm in the states. But his jokes get parroted as fact by jackasses across the internet.

You forgot how every American car ever is crap and inferior to all European cars in the gospel according to Clarkson. Also pushing on the rear fascia on a Vette to make it flex means the entire car is flimsy and poorly made.

I love the show, and I recognize that most of what is said, is said out of humor.

djmt1 > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:05

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Man I hate that stereotype. The old guard make up less than 1% of our population and yet their teeth is one of our defining characteristics. Still on the scale of bad stereotypes I guess bad teeth isn't the worse one to have.

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:09

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It's funny, I've encountered this kind of thing. Especially from non-car people who pretend to want advice, or to talk cars, when they really just want to regurgitate what they've seen on Top Gear, especially from Clarkson. That's one reason I appreciate the vibe on Oppo, where we can talk cars and share genuine enthusiasm.

crowmolly > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 09:11

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Maybe not directly but you can tell. Usually when they make elitist statements or pass judgement about a vehicle/its options with a large degree of ignorance.

yamahog > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 09:13

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Are you trying to tell me socialized dentistry did your country some good?? Don't you know socialism is the devil???

-America

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:14

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If a person is a boor they are going to be one, whether they are quoting someone else or being original in their foolishness. Politely eject yourself from the conversation and move on with your life. I personally enjoy watching Clarkson joke around, but I always take it with a grain of salt.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:15

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Statistically British people have healthier teeth than Americans...

djmt1 > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:18

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Balls to Socialism. I have to pay for my damn dental check ups now, a whole 8 of my £s. Hmm... maybe I'm the only one with good teeth since I actually willing to pay for a service which was free.

yamahog > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 09/16/2014 at 09:21

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Statistically, British people are more likely to have tiny little inbred mouths and therefore more orthodontic issues.

....I made that up and put "statistically" in front to look legit, but whatever :P

yamahog > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 09:23

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That £8 could buy you all of a toothbrush and toothpaste here!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:24

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Seeing that there is a wealth of inbred american jokes, I feel like it would be rather easy to use that same argument against americans...

yamahog > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 09/16/2014 at 09:25

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False. Inbred Americans have no teeth, not crooked teeth.

RazoE > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:25

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but...but...autos do suck...:(

Just messing with you. I love Top Gear, but most of what they say must be taken with a grain of salt.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 09:29

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Want to trade stereotypes? I'd gladly give you this one:

Leadbull > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:31

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This never happens.

Given the prose you use, I assume none of this happened to you, either. At least not the way you presented it.

I think you're reading into things a bit much.

Aloha Milkyway > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:35

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Re: Automatics

The new ZF's are pretty good. Dat kickdown.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:36

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You aren't really helping your position you know.

djmt1 > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner 09/16/2014 at 09:36

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Deal. Harder to eat with shit teeth and less likely to ruin teeth with a big belly. Everybody wins.

JR1 > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:36

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Yes, yes, yes a 1000 times yes. Clarkson seems to have brainwashed the children or potential petroheads of this planet. I have a few friends that are car fans but they always differ to the opinions of Clarkson. I too once was the same way but then I was enlightened and now I must do the same for my young friends.

yamahog > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 09/16/2014 at 09:40

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When someone references reading a book that only exists on The Simpsons, they aren't necessarily being serious at all you know.

t_s > Leadbull 09/16/2014 at 09:41

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Why would you say that? You hurt me so!

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > djmt1 09/16/2014 at 09:43

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god, cause these idiots above are the world's definition of the US. Which as an active guy, this drives me nuts.

Tohru > t_s 09/16/2014 at 09:47

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Because Clarkson said to?

t_s > Tohru 09/16/2014 at 09:47

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Well played sir.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > yamahog 09/16/2014 at 09:59

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Haha I know :3

The Gray Adder > t_s 09/16/2014 at 11:28

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I managed to wean myself off Top Gear, mainly by binge-watching the show on Netflix until I couldn't stand the sound of Clarkson's voice anymore.

The American version is unwatchable. I'd rather watch my cats clean their buttholes for an hour than watch these three goobers trying to make American cars (or more often, trucks) appear interesting while having to settle for some D-list celebrity from one of the A&E reality shows for the bit where one of them drives a cheap compact car with automatic transmission around a makeshift track.

CalzoneGolem > JR1 09/16/2014 at 11:50

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Now I know why you didn't buy that 458!

zeontestpilot > Sweet Trav 09/16/2014 at 11:58

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And on that note, I think the 2nd gen PT Cruiser looks great! :)

Sweet Trav > zeontestpilot 09/16/2014 at 12:02

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The turbo 2.4 in those is a monster.

zeontestpilot > Sweet Trav 09/16/2014 at 12:42

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I have heard that too. Man, I wish I could experience it...

JR1 > CalzoneGolem 09/16/2014 at 13:26

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Not even Clarkson could convince me to like the 458!

boilerdam3 > t_s 09/16/2014 at 13:30

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As much as I love Top Gear, I know that Clarkson's statements cannot successfully end an argument.

CalzoneGolem > JR1 09/16/2014 at 13:47

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What about James?

JR1 > CalzoneGolem 09/16/2014 at 14:06

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James could possibly convince me but I am more in the Hammond camp with the Porsche 911

CalzoneGolem > JR1 09/16/2014 at 14:30

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Yes but Hammond was hypnotized to like them.

JR1 > CalzoneGolem 09/16/2014 at 17:26

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Says who?

Kylemaro > yamahog 09/17/2014 at 02:24

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and i can't fucking stand it. i watched skins topgear peep show and dr who before fucking any of them were cool. i started watching bbc as soon as we got it...... in 2002 with topgear and the short lived (needs to return) braniac. but now all of a sudden there is an Americanized version of every single fucking on, and its shit and everyone knows its shit but people keep watching it and dont even get me started on what shit dr who became. or how now theres only 6 episodes of topgear every decade and that skins is fucking gone all together because dammit hipsters ruin everything i love!!!!!! fuckers!!! and it makes people think i'm a hipster and thats even fucking worse!!!!!!!!!!

Kylemaro > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/17/2014 at 02:25

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more "bad car people" isn't a good thing though

CalzoneGolem > JR1 09/17/2014 at 06:33

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Says Top Gear series 4 episode 2

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > Kylemaro 09/17/2014 at 07:09

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Except that it is because they might turn into "good" car people. Most of us were probably "bad" car people when we first got into cars, I know I was. Then you learn more and grow up a little. I want everyone to be into cars, the more enthusiasts there are the better.

JR1 > CalzoneGolem 09/17/2014 at 08:41

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I remember now! Quite a good episode. I think the older episodes are sometimes better than new ones. Way more focused on cars back then

Mikeado > t_s 09/30/2014 at 16:25

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This is so definitely a thing amongst the lesser informed car fan. I overheard a kid (no older than 10) walking home from school one day with his friends and they went past a Vauxhall Insignia. After pointing it out to his friends, he said "I hate Vauxhalls, because every time somebody asks you what you drive, you have to start by saying... Umm???"

The thing that got me was that he didn't say "The man on TopGear said," he said "I hate Vauxhalls because" and then directly quoted Clarkson's opinion as his own. He'd certainly have a future as an internet "journalist," but then I suppose children can be like that, all impressionable and stuff. The problem is that TopGear's dumbed itself down so far that it's children that will watch it, absorb the jokes and opinions and then perpetuate them, so all the shit Clarkson talks could become the general opinion amongst a generation of people. It's not even just kids. People did it at high school too. The dead jokes just keep being beaten...

XxxxXxxx > t_s 10/06/2014 at 17:01

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Top Gear isn't a "car guy" show, never has been. It's a comedy skit show with an interesting theme. Great fun, that's it. If your point is that other people think it's a car guy show... well get used to a LOT of that in life, many people do little critical analysis of what they think and say.

Conan > t_s 10/20/2014 at 07:31

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I'm pretty sure dumb people are/were a constant both BC (Before Clarkson) and AC (After Clarkson.) Maybe you're just better informed so you are aware of it more now.