Why your Car Sucks: 2015 Corvette Stingray

"Sweet Trav" (thespunbearing) 09/13/2014 at 14:18 • Filed to: why your car sucks

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Some people are fans of the Chevrolet Corvette. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Chevrolet Corvette. This 2014 tongue-in-cheek car "review" is for those in the latter group.

This is part of an ongoing series of articles I will be writing using the formula laid out by Drew Magary on Deadspin.

Your Car: Chevrolet Corvette Stingray.

Your 2015 Model Year Vital Stats: 455 horsepower 460 ft/lbs of torque, 7-spd manual or 8-spd auto. 3252 lbs. Rear tires collectively wider than the Detroit Lions Offensive line and brake discs the size of (and much tastier than) Little Caesars Pizzas. 0-60 3.8 seconds

Your Engine: The ubiquitous Chevrolet Small Block V8: Generation V.

Powering everything from boats to blenders since Jesus left Baltimore, the Small Block is a truly legendary engine. It is the living fossil of engines. Much like the Horseshoe Crab, it should have died off long ago but has evolved to coexist in a world that demands multiple overhead cams and something called sophistication from its V8 Engines. That being said, pre-production cars did have metal bits chew up the main bearings and grenade the engine, so perhaps evolution has its pitfalls.

Your Aesthetics Recipe: Mix equal parts 612 Scaglietti, Nissan GTR and Bumblebee, shake with a twist of 'murica, garnish with shouty aero bits and plastic chrome, serve in a beer can.

What's new that sucks : LED fairy lights up front, square tail lights in the back. Fresh "angry" design language. The Stingray also has an interior that while better, still isn't on par with its competition. The new model designation glorifies Steve Irwin's murder (hat tip to: Gary Yogurt for this gem)

What has always sucked: It must be illegal for anyone under the age of forty to own a 'vette. I've yet to see a young man or woman behind the wheel of a late model Corvette, unless it's a high school freshman in a rented tux cautiously driving his dad's car looking to get lucky on prom night. Aside from the corvette being the preferred four wheel midlife crisis mobile (the Harley Davidson Sportster being the preferred two wheel variant) The Corvette has always looked a little plastic-y and cheap, and has for most of its existence never possessed "timeless" styling. Each generation of car ends up looking quite dated by the end of its run, with the notable exception of the C2 (63-67 model years). Build and material quality of the interior has always been suspect, even if the new models are leaps and bounds better than the C5 black plastic garbage can interior. There is also an aftermarket that stretches far and wide for Corvette owners so they can modify the Corvette to their heart's content, with extremely mixed results, please share your findings below in the comments.

What might not suck: The new "King of the Hill Corvette." While rumors constantly circulate about a mid-engine Corvette in the auto mags, we look to what is confirmed to be coming down the pipe. Rest assured that if the Z06 model variant is rubbing elbows with European supercar elite at the unbelievably low price starting price of $78,995, The new "King of the Hill" whether we call it the ZR-1 or Zora, could make them bow down.

Share your opinions in the Comment Section Below. Remember, This is all in good fun.

Twingo Tamer - About to descend into project car hell. > Sweet Trav 09/13/2014 at 14:24

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I like this idea.

Manuél Ferrari > Sweet Trav 09/13/2014 at 14:34

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"shake with a twist of 'murica, garnish with shouty aero bits and plastic chrome, serve in a beer can."

LOL

Soloburrito > Sweet Trav 09/13/2014 at 14:36

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I was looking at used Corvettes the other day but all of them were sullied by old man smell.

Sweet Trav > Soloburrito 09/13/2014 at 14:39

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Bengay and Stetson is not a pleasant combination is it?

DoYouEvenShift > Soloburrito 09/13/2014 at 14:41

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Ill take the old man smell, and interpret it as, low mileage, high depreciation, garage kept, and never abused. Winner= Me!

Soloburrito > Sweet Trav 09/13/2014 at 14:44

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One had a hawaiin shirt, crew socks and birkenstocks left in it presumably as bait.

King Ginger, not writing for Business Insider > Sweet Trav 09/13/2014 at 15:07

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Yes but what about the fasteners?

Twism > DoYouEvenShift 09/13/2014 at 16:38

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meaning every rubber lines, belts, seal, bushing and gaskets are dry-rotted, fuel may be bad (or may have clogged the carbs) and that the engine never revved over 3K.

old man's sports car usually need a good weekend of working at best, and a complete teardown and rebuild at worse.

DoYouEvenShift > Twism 09/13/2014 at 16:55

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Hehe, thats true too. Depends where you live too. I was mostly talking about newer stuff though. Im not much for most cars built before the mid 80s.

Say a low mileage C5 Z, Im all over that Vette.

Twism > DoYouEvenShift 09/13/2014 at 17:55

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Oh yeah, on newer stuff it's not as worse (usually)... But I would still be a little worried to take a low mileage C5 Z06 that was garaged most of its life and suddenly turning it into a daily driver/trackday toy (as God intended). Stuff is bound to break.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > Soloburrito 09/13/2014 at 18:29

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You have to wear Tommy Bahama shirts to own a Vette

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > Sweet Trav 09/16/2014 at 20:56

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I'm already tired of these.

Sweet Trav > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 20:58

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Oh come on. If you can't laugh at the things you love, what can you laugh at?

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > Sweet Trav 09/16/2014 at 21:00

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The same recycled mid-life crisis and american car jokes over and over again? I'll pass.

Sweet Trav > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 21:01

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Well then it will be fun to see what Japan has to offer next week...

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > Sweet Trav 09/16/2014 at 21:03

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Great I'll look forward to jokes about Rice Rockets, Stance, Vtec kickin' in and recycled bits from RCR.

Sweet Trav > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 09/16/2014 at 21:04

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Actually no... I think you'll be surprised which way i take it...

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Sweet Trav 09/22/2014 at 14:02

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I agree and understand your points. But this is still the best damn good looking Vette since the C3. :)

I'll probably never own a Vette until middle age unless it's a vintage model. :P

ImUrOBGYN > Sweet Trav 09/22/2014 at 22:31

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And if he isn't, the rest of us will still give it a read. This one was worth the couple minutes and I'll look forward to the next.

Given IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK's comments, I find it strange he'll still be looking forward to it, as well.

GUYMANDUDE > Sweet Trav 05/16/2015 at 09:19

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Cylinder deactivation on a sports car? Sounds like an expensive problem later on the used market. Electronic power steering is a mistake that needs to be forgotten. But v8 with a transaxle. Huynnn....

Sweet Trav > GUYMANDUDE 05/16/2015 at 09:41

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It’s no more an issue than variable valve timing. If you look how the system works, it’s a solid design. Also EPAS is awesome when calibrated properly, it’s like old school manual rack and pinion until you “need” assist.

GUYMANDUDE > Sweet Trav 05/16/2015 at 17:43

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To be fair, I haven’t driven this car. The cars I have driven with steering assist have felt numb. Not much feedback through the wheel. I guess I don’t know much about cylander deactivation either.

Sweet Trav > GUYMANDUDE 05/16/2015 at 17:45

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It’s just an oil control solenoid that drains oil from the lifters so the valves don’t open up. Collectively between the trucks and a performance cars from Chrysler and GM there are billions of miles driven with very few problems.

carking25 > Sweet Trav 04/07/2016 at 15:38

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Not a true statement. Added to which, it is the reason for engines and drivetrain self destruction. It is the most ignorant system in the auto world - especially on a sports car. It is not seamless. Not in Truck form or Car form. Why not add start-stop technology to the Vette as well? Ha.

Also if the buyers are old (which they are) why not outfit a variant with regular grade touring tires and comfy interiors. IT’s The LOOKS we want!

No one cares about the track times. We care about being looked at and feeling like we’re driving a spaceship. People at GM are idiots. So are the cars and coffee meet people. Drive your car!! But have GM build one worth buying FIRST.

carking25 > Sweet Trav 04/07/2016 at 15:40

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agreed.

carking25 > IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK 04/07/2016 at 15:41

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yeah... like 40 or 50 is mid-life. not statistically.

carking25 > Sweet Trav 04/07/2016 at 15:43

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small and squinty-eyed . but not as squinty as a Camaro. GM should have just put hide-away hl’s back on if they don’t want to show their lights!

carking25 > GUYMANDUDE 04/07/2016 at 15:50

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Why would you have to drive it? It’s a piece of junk even on paper! Everything a normal car enthusiast would not want (AFM, cheap version of DI with no port washing, tires that crack in colder months, pleather seating that has about as much actual leather as a pair of Dr. Scholl’s Walmart shoes, and fit and finish that makes you cry.) And not much of what an enthusiast would want (reliability, comfort, great fit and finish, and a drivetrain that works under EVERY possible condition and temperature.)

Is that asking too much? Are they selling ideas & dreams or are they selling Real World Equipment?

carking25 > Twism 04/07/2016 at 15:53

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You can’t give a C7 a real workout, If you DO, it will cost you - Big Time.

Twism > carking25 04/07/2016 at 16:10

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1 word: Warranty.