On Depression, Take 2: This Time It's Personal

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit) 08/29/2014 at 23:47 • Filed to: None

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Earlier this week I wrote some thoughts about depression and !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I really wasn't happy with it because after reading it through, I thought it lacked something. I wanted to include more personal perspective and story, but I ultimately backed off from that. Well, this time I'll just get straight to the personal. I talked about !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! but now I want to concentrate on the depression and suicide aspects.

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So in that original write-up I mentioned a theoretical scenario where you suddenly start feeling uncomfortable in the middle of a social situation (say in the middle of class). Well two weeks ago for me that wasn't so theoretical. I had been wallowing in increasing throes of depression to the point where I introduced myself to the first day of class (this is a professional university setting, mind you) with the note that I had once intended to kill myself. Needless to say that didn't go over so well.

I very honestly can't tell you why I felt so depressed like that. It's been something that's been building up since the beginning of summer and other than a lack of energy and will I can't tell you or anyone how it happened or what caused it. Other than I felt trapped and stuck in a cycle that I didn't understand, and understood even less how to escape.

I can talk about some things that likely contributed to that sinking feeling. So far 2014 has sucked the big one. I've encountered stressful situations in school and work and in some cases I feel like I wasn't treated very well or fairly, or in the many cases when I encountered people who were more than willing to be helpful, or even willing to bend over backwards, they were unfortunately at a loss or a solution. Even more over than that, I was facing serious question of whether or not I really belonged in that situation - there's that cycle thing again.

I also may have been trying to do too many things at once, bit off more than I can chew. I've just recently been informed that I could still use a lot of work on my socialization skills as apparently I've scared some people off I didn't mean to (long story, not likely to be shared here). Since surviving cancer and chemotherapy, I feel like I haven't really made a full recovery yet and honestly I miss the experience of chemotherapy. One thing - actually the biggest thing - I've been doing to cope with the recovery is read a lot - and I do mean a lot, with over 160 books read so far this year and over 200 the previous year right after chemo. It's great when you're taking a class where you do nothing but read and dissect young adult lit all day but beyond that, not so much. And here's the thing about depression - whatever methods you use to cope can (and in fact usually) come up short. If you're really in the throes of it and are just out of energy and wondering how you're going to break that cycle, even reading a book can be too difficult a task.

Sometimes you want to be alone, sometimes you don't. It's kind of a random grab-bag of emotions. Most of the time I wonder if I would be better off just being by myself in a hermit state. If interacting with people isn't a pleasant thing for you, doing so in a depressed state can be doubly hard. Sometimes your interactions can be hyper, sometimes you're wondering if you're even capable of smiling.

After actually going through and writing this, I still think it comes up short towards how I'm trying to convey what kind of malady depression really is. It's not a simple disease but it can outwardly effect you in seemingly simple ways, and I suppose that's what's most insidious about it. It saps your creative and even physical energy and your ability to accomplish anything. But well, that's all I have to share for now. And that will probably be it, at least for a long while. I promise I'll try to get to happier and more auto-oriented write-ups in the future.

MrPseudonym > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/30/2014 at 00:16

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Wow. That was really short, but powerful. My brother has had problems with depression, and that's the closest I can get to it. But let me tell you, when he did, usually he couldn't even get up out of bed in the morning. He has told me that it sucks several orders of magnitude worse than any normal amount of awful any normal person encounters normally. Not only does it suck for the depressed, but it sucked for me. I mean, I like my brother, as much of a pain in the ass as he is, and not having him around made me really... well, sad. I mean, it's like a part of your life is missing, y'know? I feel for him. I've come close to the edge of depression. Looked over the metaphorical cliff (I got to the point where I would randomly break down crying. Mid-class.) and seen the bottom. I wish that no-one had to even go that far, not even experiencing real depression. I have never experienced true depression, but I know, nobody deserves that. I look back at how sad I was then, and I get down just thinking about it. Well, on a happier note...

Here's some cheering up. I just want to squeeze its cheeks! AHHH!

blacktruck18 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/30/2014 at 00:40

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I will preface this by saying I have never dealt with any serious mental health issues of my own.

But, I am in the Army, I have spent 3 years of my life in Iraq or Afghanistan, I have more friends that have PTSD and PTSD related issues than I can count with my shoes on. Generally these issues aren't something that will just go away or, that you can handle on your own.

I would highly recommend getting some professional help. You have to treat mental health problems like any other long term, possibly life long, disease such as Diabetes or High Blood Pressure. You might end up on medication for the rest of your life and it could be something you have to deal with for the rest of your life. But, the drastic improvement in your quality of life will be more than worth it. For many of my buddies just talking to a therapist or someone that did not judge them is the biggest help they have. The symptoms that you are having can be kept under control. You have been through a lot having cancer, I know that staring your own death isn't good for your mental health. It is completely understandable and logical for you to be having the issues that you are. But, one thing I have learned in life, and something I think you can relate to, is that everyday above ground is a gift. A gift that you should be able to enjoy the fullest.

Please consider my comments and consider getting some help for your symptoms. Your life can be so much better.

The man in the iron mask > MrPseudonym 08/30/2014 at 00:45

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your story made me realize something, i might be right now that brother who doesn't gets up out of bed in the morning, and that it makes an impact on my younger brother. And plus, he, our father left home, so i must somehow be there for him. He is a tough little guy. He has taken it like a champ, hes only 11.

The man in the iron mask > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/30/2014 at 00:47

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"If interacting with people isn't a pleasant thing for you, doing so in a depressed state can be doubly hard."

I feel you. I DEFINITELY have been there. It sucks. Because at the same time i dont want to be that asshole who ignores or cuts people's conversations. They dont know that you're not in the mood.

MrPseudonym > The man in the iron mask 08/30/2014 at 02:33

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Much as we dislike each other sometimes, I love the guy. He's my brother, and I actually miss him when he's not "in the game", so to speak.

Stef Schrader > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/31/2014 at 11:46

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(((hugs)))

I just felt out of place at college. Like I was a reject from everything, and not good at anything. That's where I really struggled with depression, too.

Sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. Let us know if you need anything, as always.