Burger Joint Buys Coffee Joint; Nation Plunges into Crisis

"For Sweden" (rallybeetle) 08/26/2014 at 11:39 • Filed to: Road Food, Canada, Canadalopnik, Foodlopnik

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The !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! are true. Burger King, the product of heartless capitalistic American aggression, has !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! Tim Hortons, a wholesome defining cultural symbol of Canada, a nation that tries so very hard to be nordic.

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

It's hard, maybe impossible, to fully comprehend how horrible this is for an independent Canadian culture. Indeed, full annexation by the imperialist republican neighbors to the south may have been preferable. Tim Hortons stood as one of the pillars of the Canadian people, standing alongside Rick Mercer, bagged milk, poutine, ice hockey, and unelected Senates as a pillar supporting the True North Strong and Free. Now, with such an institution lost, it's not unreasonable to imagine the unimaginable. Will French no longer be required learning in British Columbia? Will the frivolous u's in Canadian English be eliminated? Will our flag patches become annoying instead of a ticket to European friendliness? That's all they really want, is for Europe to like them! But now with a burger joint, the grease on the griddle being America in physical form, all may be lost.

Thanks Harper.

mcseanerson > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:41

2

I thought Tim Horton's was already owned by Wendys before this?

mr_gofast > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:43

0

it was but wendys spun it off years ago..

mcseanerson > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:43

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Yep, they sold them in '06.

FriskyDingo > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:43

0

They were, im hoping this means every one of those combination timhortons/wendys become a timhortons/burgerking

mcseanerson > FriskyDingo 08/26/2014 at 11:44

1

I don't want Tim Horton's to combine with anything, their Coffee is awful. I can get better joe at Speedway.

thejustache > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:46

0

Ooh ooh ooh, can this mean Burger Kings might now have Timmy Ho's coffee? Because I would find that amazing being on the wrong side of NY state to have it otherwise...

Mr. FiSTer of Team FiST Fetish > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:46

1

The annexation has begun, welcome to the fold East Alaska.

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:46

3

Oh don't worry. This means Burger King will become Canadian, and we will get some good ole Canadian fast food in the US.

Considering they are doing this inversion so they can domicile in Ottawa, it's more of a poke in the eye with a sharp stick to Washington, DC and the Congress for their insane corporate tax policy.

I always support pokes in the eye with a sharp stick for Washington, DC and the government.

thebigbossyboss > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:47

0

It was.

shop-teacher > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:48

1

This reminds me of a very old John Stewart stand up joke.

"Hi, Canada, its the US. We're out of wood. Get out"

Of course, now it would be oil, but that joke was before tar sands were viable.

thebigbossyboss > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:48

2

Sacrilege. Burn the witch!

There are two types of people in Canada, "Tim Hortons" people and "Starbucks" people.

PelicanHazard > thejustache 08/26/2014 at 11:50

1

You should pray for TimBits. Screw the coffee, those doughballs are godly.

For Sweden > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 11:50

3

I think you mean Tim Hortons People and traitors to Her Majesty.

mcseanerson > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 11:51

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I am vehemently not a Starbucks person but that is more for political reasons. Tim Hortons on the other hand I have only tasted in Murica and their coffee always tastes burnt and also like it probably wasn't very good when it was fresh anyways. Like I said I'd rather get coffee from the gas station.

PelicanHazard > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:51

2

Hey you tundra-dwelling socialist bastards, you're not losing a Tim Horton's, you're gaining a Burger King! Success, now you have Timbits and the best breakfast sandwich available nationally through a drive-thru window.

Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:51

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If this means Timbits in Seattle, I'm all for this!!!

mr_gofast > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 11:51

2

burrrrnnn herrrr!!!

Lumpy44, Proprietor Of Fine Gif > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:52

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We are arming and hoarding all Timbits. Come hell or high water we will defend those Double-doubles.

mr_gofast > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 08/26/2014 at 11:52

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pokes like this??

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > PelicanHazard 08/26/2014 at 11:53

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We already have burger kings...

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > mr_gofast 08/26/2014 at 11:55

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Kate's Dirty Sister > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:56

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Good riddance, their crap coffee and crap food belongs more to the US

thebigbossyboss > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 11:56

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The starbucks/tim hortons thing is political in Canada also.

The current PM (Harper) is Tim's. The previous PM (Paul Martin) was definitely Star Bucks.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:56

0

Well, this seems about right, we never wanted Canada to really "do anything" anyhow.

PelicanHazard > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 08/26/2014 at 11:57

1

True, true, there's buildings that sell you Burger King products, but as they funnel more of the money down south to Freedomlandia, can you say you really have as in own a Burger King? This way you get the same food as always but Ottawa gets more money, and if that's not a win, then I'm buying a winter home in Yellowknife.

carcrasher88 > Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole 08/26/2014 at 11:57

0

Coincidentally, BK offers Seattle's Best coffee. Maybe they'll replace normal Tim Hortons coffee with Seattle's Best.

thebigbossyboss > thejustache 08/26/2014 at 11:57

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Wait. East or West?

thebigbossyboss > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 08/26/2014 at 11:58

1

and now we gain the BK HQ. Victory is excellent.

thebigbossyboss > Kate's Dirty Sister 08/26/2014 at 11:58

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BK is moving here, not tims moving there.

willkinton247 > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:59

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Burger King also plans on moving it's headquarters to Canada.

Kate's Dirty Sister > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 11:59

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Yeah, but BK bought Tim Horton, not the other way around.

FromCanadaWithLove > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 11:59

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First a second roast of coffee, now THIS? Too much change. Just bring back the blueberry bagel and send me on my way.

thebigbossyboss > Kate's Dirty Sister 08/26/2014 at 12:00

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Hahaha yes. I hope there is BK food at tims. Then I would just live at Tims.

heliochrome85 > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 12:01

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I thought you were going to say "Drunk and More Drunk"

mcseanerson > mr_gofast 08/26/2014 at 12:01

2

He got better.

On a side note did you know the reason that Eric Idle bites his sickle in this scene is because he is trying to keep from laughing at how long John Cleese draws the joke out for?

FromCanadaWithLove > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 12:02

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Timmy's tastes terrible, but I drink it all the time because I'm Canadian. Starbucks is pretty terrible too, and I can't tell you the last time I was in one of those.

Local coffee > Tim's > Water > Starbucks

mr_gofast > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 12:02

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no thats awesome though

Andrew T. Maness > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:03

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I can only hope they will replace many BK Lounges with Timmy Ho Ho's thus expanding the brand and allowing us westerner's to enjoy some proper poutine.

thebigbossyboss > FromCanadaWithLove 08/26/2014 at 12:04

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I am not defending tim's coffee in anyway. I agree it's usually not as good as gas station coffee. However, there is two types of people in Canada. Tim Hortons people and Star Bucks people.

 > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:08

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Time for Canadians to start a riot and loot local Walmarts to protest this great injustice!

thejustache > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 12:09

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East. Closest one is in Amsterdam over an hour away... actually I think there is one in Albany at a college campus, but it's only open when I'm at work.

thejustache > PelicanHazard 08/26/2014 at 12:11

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I'll happily take the TimBits as well...

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 12:14

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Droppin in to bomb you with the flavor of the North East how bout Dunkin Donuts?

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > thejustache 08/26/2014 at 12:16

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Oswego has had one for about 5 years. Only go on the summer because its partnered with a Cold Stone.

George Costanza > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:17

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Okay its a private corporation, what it does doesn't matter. Also its a merger not a buyout. Also Tim Hortons coffee sucks ass but the donuts are okay. Much better donuts than dunkin donuts but still only good when fresh.

Also outside ontario bagged milk doesn't exist. So, fuck ontario. Go saskatchewan.

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:18

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Lol "True North" I think thats Norway. Nice try Canada 4/10 made me reply.

buford-t-justice > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 12:19

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I can't remember the last horton's or Starbucks coffee I've had, ideal coffee on dalhousie is the best I've had in the city. Bridgehead is a distant second. Horton's is good for cheaper coffee.

thebigbossyboss > thejustache 08/26/2014 at 12:20

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Oh ok. I don't think they have tim's in very northern new york either funnily enough. (North of Syracuse).

buford-t-justice > Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole 08/26/2014 at 12:22

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I think this is mostly for the tax breaks up here, hopefully for your sake you get them. Spread the timbit love, we even have stuffed timbits!

buford-t-justice > George Costanza 08/26/2014 at 12:23

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I think Quebec has them too, but I agree fuck Ontario (I live here too)

spanfucker retire bitch > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:23

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As long as I can still get my Timbits I don't rightly care.

Tohru > PelicanHazard 08/26/2014 at 12:24

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+1 simply for "tundra-dwelling socialist bastards"

buford-t-justice > FromCanadaWithLove 08/26/2014 at 12:25

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Or the walnut crunch doughnut. And get rid of the dutchie...who the hell wants raisins in their doughnut

Dukie - Jalopnik Emergency Management Asshole > buford-t-justice 08/26/2014 at 12:26

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I haven't had Timbits since 2011 when I was in NY.

Dusty Ventures > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:50

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Dear Burger King:

If you change one thing, EVEN ONE TINY LITTLE THING, about Tim Horton's I promise I will set fire to your corporate headquarters and the attached car park. On a weekly basis. Tim Horton's is the most perfect food establishment known to man. Any attempts to "improve" it will only cause ruin, and will bring upon you the wrath of an entire nation. You may not believe you need to fear the wrath of Canadians, but know this: our first wave is made up of Vancouver hockey fans.

Sincerely,

Your Doom

PS: Pls build a Timmy's near my house. KTHANXBYE

The Compromiser > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:51

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I have to agree with this. I prefer McD's Coffee personally. I am considered an outcast. I also don't enjoy televised hockey. I am virtually 'Murican by definition.

Dusty Ventures > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 12:51

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I think you mean "Tim Horton's" people and "people who need to be deported"

For Sweden > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 12:51

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Tim Horton's is the most perfect food establishment known to man.

Someone's never been to Waffle House

The Compromiser > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 08/26/2014 at 12:52

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POUTINE ALL THE THINGS!!!!!!!

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 12:53

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Now, now, we don't want to turn the US into South Quebec.

Dusty Ventures > norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback 08/26/2014 at 12:53

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They need to remove "donuts" from their name. They haven't made a decent donut in years.

The Compromiser > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 12:55

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Current list of reactions to the news from everyone I've talked to here in Canuckistan:

Really? Neat

Oh. And?

And?

So?

Odd.

So?

Timmies Sucks! (This one died suddenly right after. Natural causes up here)

So does that mean we will finally get a BK In town? or 5?

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 12:56

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I like the Boston Creme ones. I don't get them often so there still alright. At least where I live they're good.

mr_gofast > buford-t-justice 08/26/2014 at 12:56

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illumi coffeehouse on wellington in westboro is pretty sweet - tims is good in teh AM when youre not awake enough to accept how bad it can be (sometimes)

Dusty Ventures > PelicanHazard 08/26/2014 at 12:56

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Timmy's already had the best breakfast sandwich

Dusty Ventures > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 12:59

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You need new friends

buford-t-justice > mr_gofast 08/26/2014 at 13:01

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never had illumi, where on Wellington?

Dusty Ventures > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 13:01

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I have been to Waffle House. I stand by my statement

mcseanerson > norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback 08/26/2014 at 13:13

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We had one when I lived in Florida. I liked the one, I think it was a Hawaiian blend or something. My dad used to get it.

PelicanHazard > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 13:19

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Quite possible, but they refuse to put one here so I don't consider it. I have to make a special drive over to another county just to get my Timbits.

fleur de livres > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 13:56

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I'm not even Canadian and I'm sad about this.

FriskyDingo > mcseanerson 08/26/2014 at 15:08

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most tim hortons in my area slice of great white north freedom also have a wendys attached.And i cant speak on american tim hortons, we probably save all the old stale coffee and ship it to the usa lol.

The coffee here is pretty good, I've noticed their sugar machines suck and are only good for a while after they clean them.Sometimes i get THE PERFECT COFFEE i wish all of them were like this.

FriskyDingo > norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback 08/26/2014 at 15:09

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I remember there being dunkin doughnuts here in canada when i was a kid they all closed due to being fuckin awful!

Spoon II > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 15:35

1

You are surprisingly accurate, although I fluctuate between them at times

thebigbossyboss > Spoon II 08/26/2014 at 15:36

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It's hilarious how the political and cultural dichotomy of a country can be explained by coffee shops

The Compromiser > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 08/26/2014 at 15:57

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Go to Florida in the Winter sometime! Who else wears all the black speedos???

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 15:59

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Germans.

The Compromiser > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 16:00

1

The reactions are classically understated.

Bk Can get a new slogan:

"Home Of The Whopper, If That's OK With You, Eh?"

Timmies New Slogan?

"Sorry."

Or "Oops We Did It Again"

Spoon II > thebigbossyboss 08/26/2014 at 16:03

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Truth, it'd be interesting to see a study on it, like average incomes and professions for fans of both coffee houses

Dusty Ventures > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 16:04

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Timmie's new ad campaign:

Matt Urban > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 16:59

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Burger King is still in business. Hmmm learn something new everyday...

The Compromiser > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 08/26/2014 at 17:23

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Ach, ist zo! Au Naturalich! Excuse my bad German. Les Francophone de Quebec tres adore le Speedo Aussi.

The Compromiser > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 17:27

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Thats our Motto. Besides isn't tims the most jalop of coffee shops? Didn't Horton take himself out in a Pantera?

KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 17:31

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Also excuse your bad French :)

Les québecois portent des maillots de bain à la plage... En France, et au Québec, un maillot de bain est un <> en anglais.

Il est interdit pour les americains de porter un speedo à la plage.

Dusty Ventures > The Compromiser 08/26/2014 at 17:36

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I don't know about Horton going out in a Pantera, but Timmy's is definitely Jalop. They're one of the biggest sponsors of the Canadian Rally Championship

ranwhenparked > For Sweden 08/26/2014 at 17:51

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All I can say about this is:

1) Burger King would be stupid NOT to relocate t0 Canada if they have the opportunity

2) Burger King is going to ruin Tim Horton's, they won't be able to help themselves.

The Compromiser > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 18:09

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And Hocey and curling and lacrosse and Back bacon and moose and silver birch, and eh?

The Compromiser > Dusty Ventures 08/26/2014 at 18:12

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In the early morning of February 21, 1974, Horton was killed in a car accident when he lost control of his white De Tomaso Pantera sports car on the Queen Elizabeth Way (QEW) in St. Catharines , Ontario. [1] [15] He had played a game in Toronto the previous evening against his former team, the Maple Leafs, and was driving alone back to Buffalo , 160 km (100 mi) south. The Sabres had lost the game, and despite sitting out the third period and playing with a jaw and ankle injury, Horton was selected one of the game's three stars . [2] [16]

Horton's Pantera was given to him by Sabres' manager Punch Imlach as an enticement to return to the team for one more season. [17]

Stolen from the Wiki, so it must be true!

The Compromiser > KusabiSensei - Captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs 08/26/2014 at 18:20

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No excuse for it. I never learned french, only Ontario Curriculum Quebecois. ;)

So what you are saying is that all my swimsuits are not for swimming? I don't want to wear a speedo!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback 08/28/2014 at 09:28

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We have the northwest territories, that's alot of land close to the pole.

norskracer98-ExploringTheOutback > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. 08/28/2014 at 09:32

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It was joke.