How to Not Get Pulled Over - The Oppositelock Guide

"505Turbeaux" (505turbeaux)
08/22/2014 at 12:45 • Filed to: How To, Cops

Here is a handy guide from my own days as a bit of a hooligan. Driving on a "troubled" license, maybe transporting something I should not have been, attaching plates to bring some jalopy home etc. (very much etc.). I am not condoning such behavior, I have not been in trouble for quite some time and like to keep it that way. Also works if you don't have anything to hide. So here we go.

1. Obey all traffic and safety laws to a T

This is a no brainer. 2 over will get you pulled over if the fuzz is looking too hard. If you cannot follow this tip, don't even bother reading further. It won't help you. Lights, exhaust noise etc all need to be up to snuff.

2. Drive in the rain or snow

Not only is the cops vision obscured, but the higher incident and hazard levels will keep them busy. As a bonus during such times most of them will not want to be out in the weather giving you a ticket for anything less than something serious. And though that virgin snowy parking lot looks like it needs you to go hoon in it, it will wait till you get plates/license/all the weed out of your car. Bonus for snow: get all the snow you can to stick to the plate. Not like you did it, but like you backed into a snowbank.

3. Don't have a car full of people

If you are going to have ANYBODY in the car, have it be your nice, respectable girlfriend/boyfriend (not the one with 8 lip piercings and the purple hair). Or your grandma who happens to like a life of crime. You look like you are some poor schlub trying to take your S.O. out on a date in between your 2 jobs or your grams to the eye doctor.

4. Keep your car clean

Inside and out. Even if you are rolling in a beater, it looks like you have someplace to wash it (and hence you don't live in it), and that you care about it. Big difference between someone who rolls around in a shitbox they love and choose to buy and a shitbox they have to. Interior clean because should you get pulled over if nothing is in sight, once in a while they won't search even if they are towing it for your fucked up license or whatever.

5. If you don't have it, make it look good

If you dont have a blue inspection sticker, and that is what is valid, put something blue on the dash. Most of the time if you are rolling past the 5-0 they just look for a flash of what is current. They are looking at hundreds of cars per hour go by. It becomes a blur after a while. (don't do what is in the image for example, it is a felony in alot of places to manufacture a sticker)

6. Don't stop unless you have to

Fill up on gas only once. Don't stop at your friends house to show off your new turd. Likely they are not impressed by your new barn find '85 Delta 88 that is going to piss oil in their driveway anyhow. If they want to see it, they will come to your driveway and laugh at you there. Cops roll through and run plates at gas stations and grocery store parking lots all the time.

7. Stop for all pedestrians if you are in a pedestrian friendly city

In my town, pedestrians are never at fault. I don't agree with it, but complying helps to solidify the old man look you are going for here

8. Don't start shit

Don't rev your engine - as sweet as it sounds, don't antagonize anyone. Do not put yourself in a situation where you are more visible than you should be. Picture yourself as a nuclear submarine. Noone knows you, you don't want anyone to know you, just cruisin' through with a fucked up payload.

9. Keep your personal appearance right

Don't wear sunglasses at night, as cool as it may seem or you heard the song too many times. I know of one state where a baseball hat after dusk is a primary offense. Rock a polo shirt with a collar, wear glasses if you have them, trim your mullet. Look like responsible Joe. Even if you aren't wearing any pants.

10. Drive an inconspicuous car

If you have access to more than one vehicle (this is more for the suspended license/transporting bad things crowd), use the most low key car you can. Station wagon, Camry, Avalon, clean P71 or Taurus. Think beige or go with what the cops drive. Self explanatory.

And that is all. Happy and safe travels. Don't be a dumbass. And don't blame me if you get caught either. I didn't make you transport 4 kilos in the trunk of your rusty Cimarron with no license and registration.

Have a little Pharcyde in conclusion that is totally relevant

(h/t to DatASSsun for reminding me I meant to write this a while back, not directed at you)

DISCUSSION (75)

n54 & s38 > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:48

Nice article: Here's two more tips:

1). Keep your weed in the trunk

2). Don't be black in America

T5Killer > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:49

Kinja'd!!!

You will never get pulled over on that road. Its between a outdoor Amphitheater and random buildings for movie production companies. Fun fact its the same road that had the bombed out gas station in Terminator salvation.

As Du Volant > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:49

In my town, pedestrians are never at fault.

Ain't that the truth. Never before have I seen so many people just walk right out into the street without even looking.

For Sweden > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:50

11. Be White

505Turbeaux > For Sweden
08/22/2014 at 12:50

as much as I hate to admit it, that is the truth

CalzoneGolem > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:51

have it be your nice, respectable girlfriend/boyfriend (not the one with 8 lip piercings and the purple hair)

Uh ... that is my respectable girlfriend.

Milky > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:52

+1 on keeping your car clean. I've been pulled over a fucking lot, like roughly 20 times in 9 years a lot, but never have had my car searched. Granted I haven't had anything illegal in my car since I turned 21, but still.

505Turbeaux > CalzoneGolem
08/22/2014 at 12:52

damn I knew someone was gonna call me on that. Why did it have to be you. Fuck

EL_ULY > For Sweden
08/22/2014 at 12:53

Well, the good kind. Not the ICP kind in a beat up Pontiac Grand-Am with a broken A/C lol :]

MonkeePuzzle > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:54

not sure I agree with #1, on the certain issue of speed, going the speed limit when everyone else is doing 10 over you stand out

jariten1781 > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:54

I will add, if the windows are tinted, roll them down.

Also, don't blast your music (anything from Slayer to Zapp & Roger will get your ass pulled over).

Being clean shaven, with a decent haircut, dressed alright with a non-confrontational attitude will help a ton when you get pulled over.

Also, learned from my wife, if you're a girl just act clueless and the cop will be so flummoxed he'll just send you on your way. I've watched her work that magic a number of times.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > n54 & s38
08/22/2014 at 12:55

3) If you happen to be black, try your hardest to be white.

505Turbeaux > jariten1781
08/22/2014 at 12:55

I actually want to get pulled over for blasting some goddamn Captain and Tenille. Hahaha Zapp and Roger

CalzoneGolem > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:55

I was under the impression you were targeting me specifically with that statement.

jariten1781 > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:56

Don't be hatin on Zapp and Roger.

EL_ULY > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:56

someone in a newish car, in the heat of the day with their super dark tinted windows rolled down half way down.... something is up lol

vorspringing > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:57

12. Don't drive a red car if you can avoid it. I got busted for speeding more in 6 months driving my first (red) car than I have since in all the other non-red cars put together, and it was a freaking Eagle Summit so it's not like I could've hooned it if I tried.

ShelbyRacer78-Fusion Modifier > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:57

So my "modified" Sable doesn't count for inconspicuous anymore?

Textured Soy Protein > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:57

Speaking to points #9 and #10:

The most I've ever been pulled over was when I had a big whiteboy fro and drove a red Integra GSR. Although I did survive a traffic stop in that car where I had my similarly stoner-looking friend in the passenger seat (rule #3) and a big bong in a backpack in the back seat, with only a ticket for turning right at a no-right-turn-on-red sign. We were on our way to buy weed.

I consistently got tickets when I had a somewhat-conspicuous metallic blue Miata 10th Anniversary, and a mostly-inconspicuous gray Mazdaspeed 6. But at the time, I had a job that started too early in the morning and had zero tolerance for showing up even 1 minute late. I have zero tickets since leaving that job.

Jeff-God-of-Biscuits > CalzoneGolem
08/22/2014 at 12:57

Well, run what ya brung, they say.

Nibbles > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:57

One more: It's a matter of when, not if. If you're cruising around with a troubled license, get that taken care of in as reasonable of a timeframe as you can. Better to get right with the fuzz than be spending some time with the nightly checkpoint haul.

CalzoneGolem > Jeff-God-of-Biscuits
08/22/2014 at 12:58

Yeah buddy!

n54 & s38 > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 12:59

Btw, I love the image you used at the top of this article. That's my face every time a cop pulls me over...

505Turbeaux > jariten1781
08/22/2014 at 13:05

never!

Arben72 > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:06

I've gotten pulled over more times in a luxobarge than this, (it helps that no one but enthusiast know what my plates stand for). But I'd really add, and this may or may not follow rule #1, sticking to the right lane. It seems like 80% of police don't notice you, even if your going 10 over.

505Turbeaux > Textured Soy Protein
08/22/2014 at 13:06

note: have a job that is normal hours and wont fire you for being a minute late

Milky > vorspringing
08/22/2014 at 13:07

I've learned this lesson the hard way … its like covering your car in a "look at me" sign.

505Turbeaux > MonkeePuzzle
08/22/2014 at 13:08

but they cant yank you over for it by the rule of law, while I do agree with you just to blend in

505Turbeaux > n54 & s38
08/22/2014 at 13:08

haha me too

505Turbeaux > ShelbyRacer78-Fusion Modifier
08/22/2014 at 13:08

oh it still is, dont worry

ShelbyRacer78-Fusion Modifier > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:10

Oh, okay. I need to change that.

buford-t-justice > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
08/22/2014 at 13:13

The Revengel > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:13

Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

You: "No, but I was going for Muskrat Love."

Officer: "Excuse me?"

You: air-organ solo. "Muskrat Loooo -oooo-uuv!"

Officer: Gets back in car.

505Turbeaux > The Revengel
08/22/2014 at 13:14

and that

buford-t-justice > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:14

would my FoST be inconspicuous enough? looks like a base one...

macanamera > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
08/22/2014 at 13:19

4) If you happen to be black try to also be rich.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:19

So I could drive alone on a temps..........very interesting.

Your boy, BJR > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:21

don't blame me if you get caught either. I didn't make you transport 4 kilos in the trunk of your rusty Cimarron with no license and registration.

This is the most directed at me statement I've ever seen.

505Turbeaux > Your boy, BJR
08/22/2014 at 13:23

I may or may not have been thinking of you. Though I left eastern european ladies in the trunk out of it so you might not have noticed

buford-t-justice > jariten1781
08/22/2014 at 13:26

I have gotten shit by the popo for my tint. In Ontario there is "no" legal limit. As long as the driver compartment does not obscure the view inside and out. So officer discretion...

thebigbossyboss > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:35

505 props but the wolf already covered #10 in the great movie pulp fiction.

Wolf: "About the car is there anything I need to know? Does it stall, does it make a lot of noise, does it smoke, is there gas in it anything?"

Jules: "Aside from how it looks the car is cool"

Wolf: "Positive? Don't get me out on the road and find out the brake lights don't work"

505Turbeaux > thebigbossyboss
08/22/2014 at 13:37

hahaha very true. Borrowing with license then :)

thebigbossyboss > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:43

Pssst. Mod edit possibly needed.

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/hes-going-to-f…

RazoE > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:43

Kinja'd!!!

uhhhh..

RazoE > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:45

No one else is going to post this?

505Turbeaux > RazoE
08/22/2014 at 13:47

hahaha good pull

505Turbeaux > thebigbossyboss
08/22/2014 at 13:49

hmm a little harsh, but not entirely dickery

thebigbossyboss > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:50

That's completely fair I just saw that and didn't want anything to start.

Dsscats > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:50

And if you do get pulled over, don't worry.

You're in a yellow Lotus and all cops read Jalopnik

505Turbeaux > Dsscats
08/22/2014 at 13:51

+get out of jail free card = OPPO sticker

Dsscats > n54 & s38
08/22/2014 at 13:52

If you happen to be black and in a white Bronco, you know what to do....

vorspringing > Milky
08/22/2014 at 13:55

Yep. Never owning another red one as long as I live.

Dsscats > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 13:55

Also, just be nice to the cop. Treat him like a human, not a robot. Be honest, and ask him how his day is going. Just that got me out of a ticket for 15 over.

505Turbeaux > Dsscats
08/22/2014 at 13:58

I got pulled over in a suit once transporting an Audi 90 home after buying it from someone at work. No plates and they wouldnt leave them on, so a friend gave me ONE plate for the trip. Of course pulled over for no front plate by a state trooper. I was very nice, and he told me to park it in an adjacent parking lot until he was off shift (in 45 minutes). Then ignorance is bliss, he tells me

MonkeePuzzle > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 14:10

right, which appears to be the intent here, how to blend in and not get pulled over

505Turbeaux > MonkeePuzzle
08/22/2014 at 14:12

actually the only reason I didn't include this in there (drive with traffic) is I have been singled out driving 10 over with the rest of the crowd, and they had a valid reason for doing so. I said "but I was driving the same speed as everyone else" and he laughed. Said everyone was breaking the law...today just happened to be my lucky day! haha

MonkeePuzzle > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 14:14

heard a cop say once in response to such a statement "when you go fishing do you catch all the fish in the lake?"

505Turbeaux > MonkeePuzzle
08/22/2014 at 14:15

hahahahaha yup. This. All day

exizeo - still loving fourza > As Du Volant
08/22/2014 at 14:19

This so so much. 4-6 lane road with bustling traffic? Walk straight into it even though there's a crosswalk nearby.

Dead_Elvis, Inc. > The Revengel
08/22/2014 at 15:16

Extra points for rocking the original version.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > RazoE
08/22/2014 at 15:28

Shit I was just about to post this.

Jcarr > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 16:47

Kinja'd!!!

Caballo sin nombre. Yeah, bitch!

Flavien Vidal > 505Turbeaux
08/22/2014 at 21:57

Driving a yellow Corvette and looking more like 24 year than the 30yo I really am... Never been pulled over... even going sideways in the snow totally involuntarily lol

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > 505Turbeaux
08/23/2014 at 15:29

I was wondering about posting my own stuff to OppoBlog... Looks like precedent has been set! =)

505Turbeaux > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
08/24/2014 at 08:51

Yeah I went for it. Was a slow day

Tohru > 505Turbeaux
08/25/2014 at 21:42

I've been pulled over quite a few times for #8. Let's see...

- No front plate.

- Accidentally giving dab of oppo in front of cop

- Driving car damaged by deer hit.

- Driving car with transferred plate from another car.

- Stopping on side of road to use cell phone.

- Pulling over right away when cop pulled out of median (he was interested in car with flat a couple hundred feet up, only gave me a seat belt ticket).

ihm96 > Arben72
08/27/2014 at 13:45

Unless you're moving faster than the left lane. I got pulled over in my moms highlander a month ago by a delaware state trooper and got a 225$ ticket for going 15 over. Most of my summer money disappeared :( Meanwhile a couple weeks before I stayed with a lotus that went by me going 85 in a 55 in my moms cooper s and nothing happened

Reborn Pyrrhic > 505Turbeaux
08/27/2014 at 18:23

Boiled Frog > 505Turbeaux
10/13/2014 at 19:06

Heisenberg and Schrodinger were traveling in a car.

Cop pulls them over and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg, "No but I know where I am."

Cop doesn't like the answer so he asks to pop the trunk, looks inside and comes back,"Did you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?"

Schrodinger, "Now I do."

505Turbeaux > Boiled Frog
10/14/2014 at 08:30

hahaha!

Tohru > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
10/14/2014 at 19:14

If you're black, get a white friend.

ACESandEIGHTS > 505Turbeaux
11/11/2014 at 15:54

This is hilarious stuff. Wow, that picture from Oakland is priceless. And the song I can only guess without actually listening to it is asking Don't Pull Me Over, Mr. Officer. Best part of that song "OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO JAIL!!!!"

V8Demon - Prefers Autos for drag racing. Fite me! > 505Turbeaux
11/11/2014 at 19:13

Kinja'd!!!

Seems legit.....

BullittFan_Fords4Life > Boiled Frog
03/17/2015 at 16:41

Brilliant.

shop-teacher > 505Turbeaux
11/06/2019 at 11:47

“ your new barn find ‘85 Delta 88"

Dude, I wish!