Why Patrick George is going back to Texas.

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
08/04/2014 at 21:56 • Filed to: jalopniks mysteries solved

Earlier today, Patrick George announced that he was moving back to Texas, from Washington DC. I thought that there must be a reason for leaving DC, but I could not put my finger on it. Then, Patrick disclosed that he served time in a Virginia Jail for speeding. Suddenly, it dawned on me. I did some serious research and I found something that astonished me. I was bewildered, but I kept digging. What I found may leave you questioning your very existence.

7/25/2014: 9:00 am, Patrick George is booked at Rappahannock Shenandoah Warren Regional Jail in Front Royal, Virginia. His personal belongings are: 1 plaid button down long-sleeve shirt, 1 white Haynes undershirt, 1 Apple iPhone 5s in gold, 1 pair of Urban Outfitter's jeans, 1 pair of brown leather shoes and 1 brown leather wallet with "BAD MOTHER FUCKER" embossed on the side, contents are $1500, driver's license, and 1 Trojan condom. 10:00 am, after delousing, he is led to cell number 245. Patrick is introduced to his cell-mate, Diego DeDouchebag. 10:00 pm, a conversation is heard coming from cell 245:

"How much time do you have?" "Oh let's see, three days." "Three days? Three days for murder? I must meet your lawyer?" "No, it was speeding."

11:30 pm, another conversation is heard:

"Do you have a dream, George?" "Well, I would if I could get some fucking sleep." "Everyone has a dream, George, what's yours." "Well, I had a dream, to win a Pulitzer Prize for automotive journalism. But, that's all fucking gone now. I failed myself for going 93 in Virginia." "No, George, you failed because you had the wrong dream... What do you know about cocaine?"

7/26/2014: Patrick George and Diego DeDouchebag are seen together for the whole day quietly conversing and playing chess.

7/27/2014: 3:00 pm, Patrick George is released from jail and picked up by his wife. 4:00 pm Patrick George makes a phone call to Matt Hardigree, "I heard that you and Doug have a thing going on down near the border. I want in." "I'm surprised it took you this long, did Doug's cousin tell you about it?" "Yes… How did you know?" "I know things. Look, here's my offer. You move back down to Texas and cover our snowboarding events. You keep 20% of the proceeds, I get 20, Denton gets 30, and Ghosn gets the rest. We cool?" "Yeah, we cool." "Good, first event is on Saturday, the 16 th . You'll be meeting up with Fluffy Bunny." "I will be there, just one question, why not Orlove?" "Because the last time he went down there, shit went upside down. As for you, just keep it under the radar this time."

DISCUSSION (36)

GhostZ > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 21:59

and Ghosn gets the rest.

I KNEW IT.

Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 21:59

Kinja'd!!!

Am I the only one who sees the likeness?

Kinja'd!!!

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 21:59

If you've read dedouchebags book, you'll know he was caught doing 92 in a 75 zone in Kansas, he didn't get 10 years of jailers he would've in Virginia, just an $80 fine.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/04/2014 at 21:59

Yes, yes you are.

jvirgs drives a Subaru > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:00

And this concludes another edition of: "The Jalop-Files"

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
08/04/2014 at 22:01

Doug wasn't pulled over directly. Only his friend was, so the cop didn't have a radar ticket to give him.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:02

You are a genius. Also Torch bought that RV not to tour the country but to use as a drug RV.

jvirgs drives a Subaru > jvirgs drives a Subaru
08/04/2014 at 22:02

Side note: its extra mysterious when read with the x-files theme playing in the background

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic
08/04/2014 at 22:03

Torch will use it to smuggle artifacts.

Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:04

The recommendations say otherwise, sir. Good day.

webmonkees > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:10

Nah, he's gonna call that guy's bluff on 'Bring me a full size RV and maybe we'll talk'

Stef Schrader > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:11

I didn't choose the 'lump life, the 'lump life chose me.

Soloburrito > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/04/2014 at 22:17

Not necessarily agreeing just thought it was a funny comparison.

Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow > Soloburrito
08/04/2014 at 22:28

I don't think he looks a lot like him, but there was something about the picture in this post that made me think of him. Something with the nose and mouth, I think. And it made me laugh, so I figured I'd share it. haha

Spaceball-Two > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/04/2014 at 22:52

The snowboarding in Texas this time of year is awesome!

Captain_Spadaro > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/04/2014 at 23:06

I think he looks like George McFly did in the first Back To The Future movie but that's just me.

Your boy, BJR > jvirgs drives a Subaru
08/05/2014 at 00:12

I'm reading it with this. The experience is……considerably different.

Your boy, BJR > Stef Schrader
08/05/2014 at 00:14

STEF! We almost got banned from oppotalk because of our conversations about you puffing goddamn lumps all over the place like a taco bell ridden mouse.

Stef Schrader > Your boy, BJR
08/05/2014 at 01:32

Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Yeah, the FB group is a little strict.

McMike > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/05/2014 at 05:33

Am I the only one that sees the likeness?

Crocket Bernet > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/05/2014 at 10:28

Why you post two pictures of Patrick George?

Crocket Bernet > Your boy, BJR
08/05/2014 at 10:30

Dude David Lee Roth makes everything completely different, usually way more creepy.

EL_ULY > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/05/2014 at 11:24

good! Welcome back home partner, yeee haw compadre!

Doug DeMuro > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
08/05/2014 at 17:59

Jesus, I totally forgot about that. The cop made it seem like it was a daily occurrence. I paid the ticket by credit card online, for God's sake! And Patrick goes to jail for 3 days for the same thing. Insane.

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > Doug DeMuro
08/05/2014 at 18:25

Hey doug, I really don't think you are a douchebag, other people do, but I personally enjoy your writing and think your a funny guy, and I would read and buy another book of yours if you wrote one. And I didn't know that you read oppo. Everyone who thinks your stuckup because you own a Ferrari and write about it has their head up their butt.

Doug DeMuro > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
08/05/2014 at 18:28

Haha. There really aren't many people who think that. And if there are, so be it — the Ferrari will be gone soon. I've already begun the brainstorming process for the next one, and I suspect it'll be even more enjoyable.

jbm0866 > Spaceball-Two
08/05/2014 at 18:30

Deep deep powder, we get our snow from Mexico. ;)

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > Doug DeMuro
08/05/2014 at 18:33

what is it, a HUMVEE? (Don't get the production Hummer) If you had a range rover and a HUMVEE, you'd be loved by environmentalists everywhere ;) either that or a Willys Jeep is my suggestion. Or a hovercraft...

Doug DeMuro > Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man
08/05/2014 at 18:35

I would buy an H1 in a second, but it won't fit in our garage. That will have to be a hard-and-fast rule this time...

Jordaneer, The Mountaineer Man > Doug DeMuro
08/05/2014 at 18:59

Is this too big?

Kinja'd!!!

It makes a hummer look like a kids toy.

Dusty Ventures > Doug DeMuro
08/05/2014 at 19:03

Kinja'd!!!

How's this for an angle: What's more practical (and more fun) to live with: a Ferrari or a full rally-prepped Subaru.

Doug DeMuro > Dusty Ventures
08/05/2014 at 19:05

Holy crap! $35k!

Dusty Ventures > Doug DeMuro
08/05/2014 at 19:09

I just grabbed that one for an example because it's a looker, but a used race-ready car can vary from $6,000 to $300,000 based on competition class, age, and modifications (engine tune, suspension, sequential gearbox, etc). In other words whatever your target budget there's sure to be a car. And unless you stuff it you should be able to sell it for the same as what you buy it for.

Doug DeMuro > Dusty Ventures
08/05/2014 at 19:26

Well... I do need AWD.

Dest > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire
08/06/2014 at 09:01

I can't possibly fathom why anyone would want to live anywhere but DC.

JDIGGS > Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow
08/06/2014 at 15:56

lololololol