The Reason For Jalopnik's Annual GTR Review

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko)
08/01/2014 at 08:23 • Filed to: jalopniks mysteries solved

Every year, Jalopnik gets to borrow a Nissan GTR for a while. Every time they get to borrow one, Travis Okulski gets behind the wheel. Many have questioned this, but no one has given a real answer. So, I have decided to use my resources and informants to find out why. What I have uncovered will stun and stupefy you.

The following is an account of last week.

7/23/2014- 9:00 am, Matt Hardigree asks to speak with Travis Okulski. Matt tells Travis, "It's that time again. You know what to do." Travis reluctantly responds, "I'm still not over that whole Pepsi Max ordeal. Maybe you find somebody else this year?" Matt's face turns deathly serious, "Maybe you don't get paid this year." Travis sighs and nods his head in agreement. He then goes back to his desk. 9:15 am, Travis Okulski makes a phone call to Nissan's US corporate office. He is immediately placed on hold. 10:00 am, Okulski's call is finally answered, "Hello, this is Travis Okulski from Jalopnik.com, and we are wondering about the latest updates to the GTR. Could we borrow one for this upcoming weekend for a review?" He is placed on hold again. 10:30 am, the call is transferred to Carlos Ghosn, "Bonjour, eh Travis. We have been expecting a call. The GTR will be available for exactly 48 hours. But, this time we keep half of the take." Travis responds, "What? That's not the deal we had Carlos." Ghosn replies, "We do not like to get fucked over, Travis. You fucked us last time. YOU will give us half this time or you will have to find another way. The car will be out front at 12:00 am Saturday. Au revoir." The call ends.

7/24/2014- 3:40 pm, Travis Okulski enters a dry-cleaners in Queens. 4:00 pm, Travis leaves the business caring a black suit bag and a large black duffle bag. 7:30 pm, Travis returns to Gawker HQ and takes a nap. 11:30 pm, he wakes up and calls down the hall to wake up Michael Ballaban. Okulski hands him a suit from the bag, "get dressed, it's time," he says.

7/25/2015- 12:00 am, a driver drops off a GTR in front of Gawker HQ. She gives the keys to Travis Okulski and gets in a cab. Before the cab pulls away, she rolls down her window and says, "You have 48 hours to be back, otherwise we will be forced to report it as stolen. Have fun." Ballaban puts the duffle-bag into the trunk and then gets in the passenger's seat. Travis mumbles something as he gets in the driver's seat and they leave NYC. 2:00 am, a Nissan GTR pulls into a parking garage at an Atlantic City casino. Ronald Regan and Richard Nixon step out of the GTR and Nixon grabs a Sawzall out of the trunk and Regan grabs two Uzi's. The two former presidents get into an elevator and go down to the casino's vault. 2:35 am, the two get back into the elevator covered in blood but uninjured. Each is carrying large bags filled with cash. They put the bags into the car's trunk get in and drive away. 2:40 am Matt Hardigree receives a text message from an unidentified number, "the first article is published." 5:30 am a GTR parks outside of a mansion in the Hamptons. Bill Clinton and Al Gore step out of the GTR. They are both wearing black gloves. They enter the mansion through an unlocked sliding door. 5:40 am Bill and Al leave the mansion through the front door carrying rolled up paintings. Bill is also holding a lace thong. The paintings are loaded into the trunk and they drive away from the property. 5:45 am, Matt Hardigree receives another text message, "the second article is live." 7:30 am, a GTR goes through a McDonalds drive through in Yonkers, and two Egg McMuffin combos are ordered. 8:00 am Teddy Roosevelt and Jimmy Carter rob a bank in Yonkers. Only the cash from the drawers is taken and the teller forgets to place in dye packets. 8:10 am, Matt Hardigree receives a final text message from the unidentified number, "Kinja is running smoothly today." 8:40 am Michael Ballaban is dropped off at his home. 9:00 am, the GTR pulls into a tent set up in a garage. 9:10 am, the GTR pulls out of the garage. 9:15, a white Ford Econoline pulls into the tent in the garage. 9:20 am the tent is collapsed and put into the back of the van and the van leaves the garage. 3:00 pm, Hardigree receives an email from Ghosn, "We have what we need. Andrew P. Collins will be safe. Pleasure doing business with you."