Graveyard Shift Confessions: I put K-Roll to shame and probably get myself banned from here

"No, I don't thank you for the fish at all" (notindetroit) 07/30/2014 at 00:47 • Filed to: None

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Now I just want to clarify that I don't want to get myself banned from here and I'm not trying to say that I actively hate any particular group of people or any particular group or organization associated with Gawker Media. I love all the people here so I don't want to single them out, or throw any vitriol towards them, or even make them think they're wrong for a second. But, I'm going to share some heavy stuff here and I wouldn't be surprise if it results in my universal Kinja posting privileges being revoked, or even worse. And I'm going to tell you upfront right here: it even includes the possibility of no longer being alive. Something that right now I don't mind. Hell it might even be good for society. Something I've been looking forward to for a very large chunk of my life, even you can say most of my life.

Now before you go on and call the suicide helplines, read the whole thing (it's very long, so apologies in advance), because I know I just worded that exactly as a suicide note but I do not plan on killing or harming myself in any way, let alone harming others. I've made it through a few decades pretty ok so I'm pretty sure I can continue on.

First of all I've written quite a few write-ups that made it to the FP, and even more that didn't but made Best of OppoLock or received almost universally good comments, so I'd like to know how I'm doing. Could I use a little refinement in my writing style? What do I need to improve? Any attitude adjustments? I'd like to know how I can be more fair to the community and to everyone, FP staff, commentators etc.

Anyway I might as well get to my point and talk about what started all this. So I read !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! (yes it's a Jezebel article as you can see). I can't say I'm very happy about it. I know, I know, here comes a wave of boo-hoos and grow ups and I should check my white male privilege (except I'm not white so there). I just honestly feel very sick and tired of feeling marginalized for being male, and expecting to take it and like it precisely because I'm a male. This is in no way an indictment against Jezebel - I very sincerely hope you ladies keep doing what you're doing and fight the good fight - but I feel like I'm being told that I should take a mallet and use it to keep hitting my penis until it tears off (and I'm very tempted to actually do that, for real). But I suppose I should introduce some background to that, because it's an issue more complicated than "I read an article on a Gawker site and it makes me so mad I want to rage-quit life itself." Because - and it doesn't excuse Nick for being a fucking creeper, but - it fucking sucks when you're on the receiving end of it , which has happened to be more than once.

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I don't know if I'm old, but I do feel old. I can honestly say that I've been around for "decades." I still live with my parents for far way too long and I'm one of those !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! who would probably add more value to society by simply expiring. If you can imagine the biggest embarrassment of a human being, an embarrassment towards being alive itself, I'd be it.

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I haven't had much in the way of a girlfriend because, well, I already went over how pathetic I am (yes it's going to be another one of those whiny FEELS "why don't I have a girlfriend boo-hoo" posts). For as long as I can remember - literally - I've felt a compulsion towards sex. As young as five years old I've wanted to have sex with the opposite gender, and if that sounds fucked up, it should. Given both that and how extremely socially awkward I am, it's basically been a constant living hell. Yes, despite my hyper-sexuality I'm still a virgin - I know this is embarrassing but at this point I really don't care, and when one dies one won't be in a position to care about it anyway, so I don't think it even matters. Relatively recently, just two years ago, I finally got my first girlfriend. On our first date the warning signs were there but I was too desperate to acknowledge them - she's a total unapologetic alcoholic. Other than the first time we met and (most of) our first date I've never known a second - literally, every second - where she wasn't drunk. She would be constantly drinking vodka, rum, you name it out of whatever container happened to be convenient and most innocuous-looking out of whatever was available. Still I loved her, really cared for her, and I tried to make it work. I guess even I had certain limits, there was a point in our relationship where I felt trapped, but I didn't want to lose her. Eventually we broke up because I had shit for money and I couldn't afford to take her to actual nice places, and yes, I kept making the alcoholism an issue. Either way, I tried but I guess I could try harder, but at that point some stuff happened. I still very much deeply miss her though. Yeah if that makes me a crazy stalker I guess I'm guilty as charged, so sue me.

Anyway that "some stuff happened" was cancer. Yes I'm a legit cancer survivor. I'll go ahead and tell you what kind of cancer: testicular cancer. Yes, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Hooray, I'm half a man now. Given my shit-for-luck life I'm not surprised. So yeah, I got diagnosed with testicular cancer the same time I broke up with my alcoholic ex. From what they told me it was pretty damn big (the tumor was 2/3s the size of the testicle itself) and they figure removed just before it started to spread. Honestly I wish it did spread, though. The happiest time of my life was when I was bed-ridden during the chemo and people actually got to leave me the fuck alone . I hate to say it but I kind of wish I'd get cancer again so I can just lie in bed all day again and not have to worry about school or work or actually living and instead just get to watch Disney Channel shows and read girly teen books all day and live an ultra-idealized version of life in my head.

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I also want to give a little bit of background on my ex too. There's a specific reason why she became an alcoholic - she was raped, twice, before the age of 16. Or I should say she was raped by two different people. The first one was from an extended and needless to say very inappropriate relationship where she was taken advantage of, and the second was actually from a gang-rape from a group of girls (yes, female-on-female gang rape) she was more or less forced to be around as the culmination of an extended harassment and bullying campaign. Ever since then alcohol and rape has pretty much been a central focus of her life. What do I mean by that? She would say things in semi-lucid conversation and let things slip about going to raves and letting random strangers grope her in exchange for booze or drugs, or drink until she literally passes out on the floor and let people grope her while unconscious. As I posted !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , she once woke up completely naked in some guy's bathtub with said guy standing over her assuring her that he didn't rape her. And she bought it.

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So yeah, I'm with the Jezebel guys (well, gals...ladies...women, whatever label they prefer) when it comes to women's rights. I've also made a few friends at some of the writing communities who are members of GroupThink and such, though I guess "friends" is pretty loose since I've only posted once or twice in those communities so far.

But anyway, needless to say my life hasn't been fun. Privileged? Maybe, but if I'm writing this in the first place then obviously something's off. I haven't had a real girlfriend since and I've been unable to get a date much (I've tried !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and my experience with that has been pretty horrific, the enclosed link really tells you all you need to know), other than with someone who I found out was potentially even more crazy than my ex. I guess I just have that kind of luck or attraction, or whatever. Or maybe I'm just a total worthless shitbag who doesn't deserve anything. I suppose I'm going to get a lot of things coming my way about how if everyone's an asshole then I must be the real asshole, or boo-hoo, grow up, but at this point I really don't give a fuck. My point is, it's been extremely frustrating and the message I keep receiving is that it's well-deserved frustration, that I deserve to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. Who am I to fight against the wills of society?

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There's another issue too - I'm honestly wondering if my loneliness or my desire to have a girlfriend is masking another issue. I've struggled with gender identity issues all my life and I think the cancer and the messages that I don't deserve to have a girlfriend as signs that maybe it's time to undergo a sex change and become a woman myself. Maybe one of the reasons why I'm so obsessed with women is simply because I want to become one, and the expression of strong heterosexuality (likely too strong) is just an outward expression of my gender frustrations. I've already lost one testicle so I might as well finish God's work. As far as I'm concerned I think I can forgo the psychiatric counseling and treatment - obviously something's wrong and I don't need an overpaid shrink to tell me the obvious. I'm already just half a man, I might as well discard the other half, and hope that it'll make me happier. It's brought me nothing but extreme unhappiness all my life anyway, to the point where I'm wondering if non-existence is in fact happier. In fact, I'm extremely certain it is. The absence of feeling has to be better than feeling shitty. And I don't care if people all over the world has it worse than me, a shittier situation doesn't make a not as shitty situation any less shitty.

While I'm bitching and descending down this public road of madness I might as well share how frustrating this year has been so far too. Goddamn 2014 has been extremely shitty. I'm studying to become a teacher now but I feel like there are too many roadblocks. My first semester of student teaching has been especially frustrating and stressful. I know this is going to sound very stupid but the Broncos losing the Super Bowl was probably the tipping point. I'm also a major Giants fan (Big Blue Wrecking Crew forever!) and when Pat Brady set the NFL record for most losses to Eli in the Super Bowl I was euphoric at a very critical moment of my life (I was just starting my relationship with the ex I described above, among other things). I was hoping the Broncos winning would do the same - but no, they had to go and freakin' embarrass themselves to such a degree I honestly think it set the tone for the rest of the shitty year to come (and I feel so embarrassed !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! - though !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! that make me wonder if I might be better off in Europe or even China). Early February was especially stressful as I was still trying to adjust to student teaching and I had a particularly awful professor in a class that is not only required to take for my program, but this singular, truly awful professor is the only one who instructs the class, so I'm stuck. I told her that I was under a lot of stress, that I felt like I was falling behind, and that I think I should drop her class and maybe take it another time - and that's exactly what I did. However, she seems intent on blocking my efforts to re-enroll in this class, which effectively means I'll have to drop out of the program. Never in my whole life have I met such a loathsome "educator" who felt it was her place to selectively judge and pass/fail her students, to embarrass her students for trying to ask questions to keep up with the rest of the class, and just be an awful person. I'm not the only one to think this as her class has a high drop-out rate even for students who perform academically well otherwise, and even other faculty have had problems with her (but she's tenured, which means I probably have to wait for the old bat to retire). I'm not even sure I want to be an educator, it's just something I decided on because I was desperate for a career and I figure that's the only career path realistically available to me (those who can't do, teach, after all). Except I guess not even that is an option so I guess I'm screwed.

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Sometimes I really do wonder if the universe itself is conspiring to see if I can kill myself. I don't believe in a God, but I sure as hell do believe in Satan, and I don't need to believe in Hell because if you ask me existence itself is Hell . If there really was a God, why would there be suffering in the first place? Why would man ( !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ) feel compelled to want to kill his or her fellow man or woman in turn? Why does suffering even exist? That's not Free Will, that's, as far as I'm concerned, an omnipotent being exercising his power to be a sadist to literally everything that exists. That's, as far as I'm concerned, quite literally the greatest evil conceivable. Therefore I make no distinction between God and Satan - as far as I'm concerned God's doing a bang-up job of being the greatest evil as it is. Anyway, even when I'm trying to write this stupid thing my wireless cut out, so I had to go down to the fucking library to finish it. This is just another shred of the piling evidence that is starting to make me wonder. Am I in a Matrix- style shadowplay, and am I being tested to see if I can figure it out and escape? Am I being held in some sort of weird limbo between comfort and torture to see when I can recognize things will go wrong, when I have to make a move or will I be too comfortable in my privilege and misery to make a move? And what is escape? Is it suicide, or is it merely to see how long it will take for me to die of natural causes, to see if I will stick it out or not? But I guess I'm getting too Detective Rustin Chole for this. And yes, I love that show. Maybe a bit too much.

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Anyway, I want to emphasize that this is not a suicide note, so I beg you to not try to call for the suicide help lines and tell them that I'm going to off myself. I won't trust me. Besides, it'll only cause unnecessary undue panic to my family, who at this point honestly believe that psychiatric help is a sham (yes, they're a bit like Scientologists like that) and believe that depression and other mental diseases are products of a vast left-wing conspiracy. I did seek indepent psychiatric help at a campus I used to attend, and when my parents found out they required that I un-enroll from there and enroll at a different campus. That's been their attitude all my life, and I've tried to follow their recommendation and keep things bottled up, but after a while I just don't know what to do (hence my prone habit of spilling everything). They think they're great at teaching me how to deal with frustration but they've done shit (to this day the best way I can deal with personal frustration is break things and yell out the worst things I can say off the top of my head), and to be honest with you sometimes I wonder if they aren't lousy parents, lousy to the point where I wonder if I should've been pulled by child services decades ago if they had known, but they're my parents, I love them, and I'm stuck with them. I'm extremely strongly convinced that my mom has severe mental health issues herself, but nobody in my family other than myself even wants to acknowledge the existence of mental health issues in any context, personal or nationally.

Anyway, I suppose this is just thinking aloud. I give you my word that I'll be around for a good bit. I just wanted to tell my story, and here it is. I suppose if you've made it this far, well, I've probably just publicly humiliated myself bring a lot of calls to grow up and quit my boo-hooing and this will probably be the stuff of Encyclopedia Dramatica but meh, when we all die we won't be in a position to care about what stupid stuff we left on the net anyway. Not that I intend to die anytime soon. But if society thinks it's better off without me, then I guess I have a moral obligation to comply, and find some means of going away. Or maybe I'll just get lucky and get cancer again.

But like I said, I've made it this far, I think I'll be ok.

heliochrome85 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 00:59

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1. Thanks for sharing your story. You have been through a lot, and its not easy to live life as a cancer survivor.

2. Girls are weird, but you are not alone in your frustrations. Dating in the internet age is increasingly hard, as you are viewing peoples lives via their facebook/instragram/twitter, and not by actually talking to them. Its so easy to show people, how perfect your life is. That doesn't mean you are showing them how your life really is. I think guys are still having difficulty adjusting to this reality.

3. Psychiatry is not a sham. ask me how.

4. Fuck anyone who tells you, you aren't good enough.

5. there is no shame in honesty.

we're here for you man. Keep fighting the good fight and don't let people get you down. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

cabarne4 > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:11

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I know you said "not a suicide note", but if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me: cab591@gmail.com

Typing on a phone here so I'm not going to be typing a novel, but know this: you're not alone. I've seen pain, I've seen struggling. I've seen shitty situations. And like you said, one person being in a shittier situation doesn't make yours any less shitty.

My second, and most important truth: no matter how bad you feel, how shitty your situation seems, or how bad everyone around you treats you... know that someone out there loves you unconditionally for who you are. And I'm not talking about God / Allah / Buddah / whatever. I guaran-fucking-tee you that anyone on here cares about you though. Even though we've never met, we care.

Milky > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:13

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First off, shit fuck, man.

Second, If you are ever actually IN Detroit let me know. We'll grab a drink and chat, I'm probably too positive. So it will be a good convo.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:14

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There is no shame in honesty. There is help out there, and there is CONFIDENTIAL help out there. I've woke up many a morning, and went back to sleep just hoping I wouldn't wake back up. Due to some experiences in life, I may never be "normal." That doesn't mean I can't have good days. As someone suffering from depression, if you need anyone to talk to, to vent, just email me at jpelkmont94@gmail.com

heliochrome85 > Milky 07/30/2014 at 01:16

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god i miss detroit. I practically lived at Lockharts BBQ.

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:17

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Don't ever let anyone's opinion about you take away your sense of self worth.

You've gone through all that and still, here you stand. You're a survivor, you are strong, you will endure.

I've never dated anyone, never had sex, never had a girlfriend. I just stopped letting that bother me when I realized that there are so many other things in life I could focus on. Things that genuinely bring me joy and satisfaction.

Devote yourself to living your life and allow yourself to be happy.

Aaron James > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:18

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Is there no way you can seek out help without your parents finding out? Is there a counselor at school you can talk to and find out what resources are available? I think it is important that you do. Some things you can't do on your own or just ignore and shut down. Depression is very real and very treatable. There is no honor in being miserable. I know you have said you won't but please don't hurt yourself.

Milky > heliochrome85 07/30/2014 at 01:21

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I've only been there once, and while good, Slows is just so much closer to me.

heliochrome85 > Milky 07/30/2014 at 01:22

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you need to subscribe to their instagram feed. is delicious.

also unlike at Slows, you'll keep your wheels at the end of the meal.

Zipppy, Mazdurp builder, Probeski owner and former ricerboy > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:35

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I'm struggling too you know, probably not as bad as you though. I may as well hop on the bandwagon and hand out my email at jetstream20@hotmail.com

Manuél Ferrari > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:37

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Sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. Normally I would attempt to describe my theories on life in order to try to help. But that might just make things worse because my theories are probably crap. And after a few beers I wouldn't do a very good job of describing them.

But there are two things that I feel are true that I think I can safely share.

The first thing is a reminder that what matters is you. Don't put too much focus into relationships. Don't let the lack of a girlfriend get you down. Relationships are only helpful and enjoyable when you're happy about yourself. Being alone is better than being in a toxic relationship. So focus on yourself first and worry about relationships second.

And the second thing is to find a short-term goal or purpose to focus on. It can be career related, a volunteer group where you help others, and really anything that you become passionate about. Find something that makes you feel good and takes your mind off yourself. I am lucky because I started my career early and had something to fully focus my mental energy on during the years when I would not have been happy otherwise.

I wish you the best of luck. I've seen your writing and it is good. You are an intelligent person and you can get through this.

YSI-what can brown do for you > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:38

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Your parents are INSANE, psychiatric help is one of the best ways to get out of a depressive state. I hate to get too personal, but I have been pretty sad for part of my life as well. Entire high school life, and first 2 years of college. I didn't tell a single person, and I didn't seek help. WORST DECISION EVER. I have just recently, in the last year or so, been feeling great, and that is after a lot of long night staying up and thinking about life, and after watching a certain show. That is despite not having had a girlfriend either. That is only just a single aspect of life, there is still so much more!

Either way, go do it, get help! You owe it to yourself. You have been through a lot, you are much stronger than me, and a lot of other people here. They can help discuss a lot of the feelings you are having much more in-depth than people here.

And keep venting on here. It is anonymous and a great idea to get a lot off your chest. If anyone complains they are an asshole.

heliochrome85 > Manuél Ferrari 07/30/2014 at 01:44

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+1

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:48

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Well shit, if you ever wanted my attention, you've got it now. That is simply the most honest post I have ever seen anywhere ever. It takes some genuine bravery to post something this, and that's bravery I don't have; so you're already ahead of me there.

Girls are for sure much more different in thought process than guys are, and that makes for complicated relations; that's not to say men and women cannot get along, quite the contrary as I'm sure you know. Let me just say, you're not alone in this girl situation, and judging by how you called me out in your title(no harm done), you already know about me. I'm positive there's a girl out there waiting for you as much as you are for her, it just takes time.

As far as I know, it all really takes time and patience, everything does unfortunately. I think I speak for everyone here when I say we're rooting for you to keep on fighting the good fight! Don't give up! We're all here for you! We all live in this world together, connected in some way; Oppo is here for you via that connection.

Looking at what I'm typing and reading, I should've recognized this a long time ago; so actually, I must thank you as well for helping me see this. If you'd like, I'd be interested in corresponding with you via email if you're game. karlx25@yahoo.com

P.S. I'm not sure if you're in Detroit or not, but I'm about 30-40 minutes away from Detroit; so if you ever need to chat get some food or just talk, please let me know. We're all here to support you.

K-Roll

Milky > heliochrome85 07/30/2014 at 01:49

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Ha, making Detroit jokes. REAL original!

heliochrome85 > Milky 07/30/2014 at 01:51

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I've got jokes.

Soloburrito > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 01:56

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Sorry you're in a bad place, man.

I hope you keep leaning on your family to give you the proper support.

In the mean time, while I'm not a professional, I can just share a couple of things I try to abide by whenever I'm in a rut (like now). I haven't been doing a great job of keeping my own rules lately but here it goes.

1. Focus on improving little things you can control and unburden yourself of what you can't control. For me it's having a clean car & apartment, diet & exercise, nice new clothes, chatting up friends and strangers. Little things like that can perk up your self-confidence and make you feel part of this world. The goal is to work on feeling better about yourself which brings me to #2.

2. Love yourself unconditionally. No one is perfect. We all have things we don't like about ourselves (if we're honest). It's ok to feel bad, but try not to dwell. Use it as a goal for self-improvement. We can't expect others to love us when we don't love ourselves. Open up to others and let the best parts of you come out. If all you show is negativity, you can't expect love in return.

Now I realize there are cases where people just can't wish themselves better no matter the desire. I'm not saying positive thinking is a substitute for medication and professional help (/disclaimer).

Hope any of that helps at all. If nothing else, these responses should show you there are some of us who do give a fuck or two about you! :)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 07/30/2014 at 02:12

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You're speaking to me as well friend. Thank you for the motivational speech. :)

Thank you. :D

PetarVN, GLI Guy, now with stupid power > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 05:01

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well.... that was one helluva story I just read...

I'm sorry that you've gone through tough times in your life, but you are venting, and that is the first step man. I may not know you personally, but If I did, and you came up to me and told me this whole story, I would not be mad at you. Shaming K-Roll was bad, but I feel that you did it because of the stress that you've been going through recently. I'm not saying what you did is justified, but it was because of some reason. I see that many oppos are already putting their E-mails in, if you need help with anything. What I've learned is that this is probably THE most accepting online community you can find and become a member of. If there are people who will share your automotive passion, and help you it's us/them. You are going through rough times but never forget to look on the bright side!

I leave you with a merry tune that helps me out when i'm having a shitty day

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > YSI-what can brown do for you 07/30/2014 at 09:17

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As the recipient of many years of therapy I second this. Oh, and platitude time: "it gets better".

JawzX2, Boost Addict. 1.6t, 2.7tt, 4.2t > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 09:24

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a shittier situation doesn't make a not as shitty situation any less shitty.

True dat, as the kids say.

I've had my share of therapy, and it DOES help, hell even when you think your shrink is an idiot and doesn't know what the fuck he/she's talking about you end up thinking about things/yourself in ways you didn't before, and I've always found new things to be exciting... Everyone here, they've already said better and more complete things than I'm ever likely too, so just y'know, know that we've got your back.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 10:10

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You will be okay.

I'd encourage you to continue to seek out help. If you think your mom suffers from mental illness, she probably does (my mom is manic-depressive). It is hereditary, so I look for it in myself. Thankfully, any "swings" I have in my mood are much less extreme than she's had to deal with. OPPO is with you, but find a local support group that can build you up and help you find the positive in life.

Take care.

yamahog > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 10:18

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Giants fan as well, go Big Blue! :) And I second all the other commenters, with or without your parents' blessing, speaking to a professional could be a big help. Hell, you could probably just show them (the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist) this post since you've already gotten a lot of your thoughts verbalized. The clinic at my university was free and anonymous. Do you know if your parents have issues specifically with psychiatrists (who can prescribe medication) or all forms of therapy (some differences here )? They need to realize that having a son who is actually happy is more important than maintaining the illusion of "we're so happy, we don't need any help!" Don't let your parents' denial issues become your problem.

And I didn't see anyone else touch on this part, so I'll add my 2 cents:

Whoever is feeding you that nonsense about losing a cancerous testicle making you "less of a man" is FULL OF IT. I may not have any of my own, but I know 3 other guys rocking less than a full set and in my humble opinion, it has in no way altered their manliness. FWIW, I just had my tubes tied and woe betide anyone who dares tell me it made me less of a woman.

Good luck with everything and hope you are feeling better today!

(PS: as cool as most everyone here is, probably not the best group to go to on the girls/women front... if you want to chat more in-depth, especially about some of the feminist-related topics you brought up, let me know in a reply here and I'll add my email to the list of those already offered.)

zeontestpilot > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 07/30/2014 at 11:06

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First of all, NotInDetroit, I think you are awesome. And it takes guts to post something like this. Seriously, it couldn't of been easy. So your awesome level actually grew like 10xs.

Why does God allow bad things to happen? I've pondered this day and night. After 27 years of living, I have come to this answer, God exists. He made everything, and gave us free will. Free will to let us do whatever we want. Why did we want us to give us free will? So when He has a relationship with us, it'll be more personal. But because of free will, man/woman decided to disobey the only rule that was given to us, don't eat from from the the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So thus original sin was born. The best I can figure, is that when sin entered the world, everything that can death (disease, famine, etc), came with it. That's right, because someone screwed up way back then, we are [still] paying for it now. But free will, right?

Anyways, to circumvent the original sin, God sent Jesus down, as a way out. As a way to be free of original sin, to 'loosen the shackles of death'. *sigh* Let me tell you about me real quick. I don't have cancer, but I have had my own health problems as well. I'm going to be transparent with you (and whoever else reads this); I have ADD, Major Depressive Disorder, the beginning of OCD, Hirschprung disease , pilonidal cysts (I added links so you can see what they are, just don't google them), and a messed up shoulder from trying to do bike tricks when I was 16 (permanent damage). To simplify, I have mental issues and physical pains, and that's a h*ll of a combination if you ask me. Naturally, I questioned God why I have such a dysfunctional body. The [most irritating] answer I've come across is "to help others in similar situations." And it's a bittersweet answer when I have to take four over-the-counter pain pills daily just to do my daily routine. It's sort of like the definition of 'unfair'.

I'm should add that I'm also a Christian. So have I been healed of my bodily burdens, even one of them? Not at all. In fact, I tend to collect new issues. What does God and Jesus do for me? They are a crutch, someone to rely on. I have come to terms that I may never be healed, but it's nice to know someone has my back, even if I can't see them. It brings an inner peace, filling you with a purpose and joy. I'm not gonna try to rationalize God, no one can. But I have seen what He can do now, and those benefits outweigh the questions I have for Him.

I know I seem like a religious freak, oh well. It comes with the territory and I'll proudly were the title. And you can ignore this post if you want, I said what I felt should be said. Life is far from fair, you and I both know that. But what has happened, has happened; it cannot be changed. Live with no regrets, live in a way you can personally be proud of. That way, when you look back, you can smile and be proud of it.

If you want to talk one-on-one, to ask questions or tell me how I'm wrong, my email is zeontestpilot at gmail dot com.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 07/30/2014 at 13:52

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You're welcome :D

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 07/30/2014 at 13:55

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Also, my email:

karlx25@yahoo.com

Have an engine :)

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 07/30/2014 at 14:10

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Got it!

You can delete it now if Kinja still lets you edit to avoid spiders stealing it and sending it ze SPAM

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 07/30/2014 at 14:13

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I can't! It's too late -_-

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 07/30/2014 at 14:26

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Damn ze Kinja for having such a short timeout for edits!!!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 07/30/2014 at 14:27

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Now I've gotta pay a damn toll... -_-

Dsscats > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/01/2014 at 02:07

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Can I say one skill you absolutely have: Writing.

With the obsession with women thing, that is pretty much just a reassurance of your sexuality as being straight. This is nearly all men.

The universe conspiring to try to get you to kill yourself: The biggest middle finger you can give to the universe is to survive.

Also, take up the professor thing with the dean.

Have you considered going to a gun range? It's kind of like screaming and shouting and breaking things, but with bullets.

Finally, I know this sounds like insane bullshit, but my theory on the universe is that every positive thing is balanced by a negative. For example, Kim Kardashian is a dumb bitch, but she's also extremely rich. For another example, I lost my father, but then ended up going to one of the greatest schools ever. All you can do is convince yourself that something better will be around the corner. Again, I know that sounds like some stupid disney shit, but it's true.

Pabuuu, JDM car enthusiast & Italian parts hoarder > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 08/01/2014 at 10:01

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The man in the iron mask > zeontestpilot 08/30/2014 at 00:30

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Thanks, this helped me on some problems im having.

zeontestpilot > The man in the iron mask 08/30/2014 at 09:57

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Anytime! And the offer to email me in private is good for you too, and anyone else who reads this, I really don't mind, :). I just enjoy helping others.

Also, I wanted to say that I'm not perfect. I have my own demons and thorns I fight with daily, unrelated to anything mentioned above. But, I just need to trust in God to help me face them head on.

Not sure as to which part I helped with, so I'll say this. Loving God is a journey, not a title. It is a continual process that I do not regret. It strengthens me, empowers me to continue when the going gets tough, or even if nothing is wrong.

I'm living in the here and now. And right now, I choose to follow Jesus. Not because I have too, but because I desire to. I feel complete with Him.

/endReligiousTalking.

The man in the iron mask > zeontestpilot 08/30/2014 at 13:20

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Every part of your comment helped. Also its nice to see in oppo someone with such conviction to his faith and not ashamed to say it because you know nowadays, the popular belief specially on the internet, it that god doesn't exists and that religion is fake. I dont share that belief, but i also dont do anything.

zeontestpilot > The man in the iron mask 08/30/2014 at 15:53

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Ha, thanks! :). I feel strongly about it because I came to my own conclusion about everything. I refused to live off my parents faith, and wanted to figure out what it means to be Christian. I spent over a year reading the bible when I was 18 (note: I hate reading and still do, it wasn't easy but worth it).

The internet probably doesn't believe in God because they say there isn't proof, that science can't explain it. Well, yeah. If someone could prove that God existed it would destroy the whole 'faith-based' relationship. That's probably why it's called a leap of faith. :). It's easier to say what I say when it's anonymous, lol. I can never start a conversation on my faith in person , but when asked, I can talk away.

Lately, I've felt like I've been asked to step up my game, let it be known who I am and what I believe. I haven't been doing that lately, which I'm slowly changing now.

If you really want to be crazy, read the bible (cover to cover), or get a devotional and keep up with it. It helps tremendously. It's what got me on this road in the first place, :).

The man in the iron mask > zeontestpilot 08/30/2014 at 17:15

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I could give it a try. I have one, but i havent touched it since i was like 13.

zeontestpilot > The man in the iron mask 08/30/2014 at 22:34

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Wanna know a secret? Right now I'm struggling with the thought that this life is temporary, and I have another right after this one. It's making me realize I haven't been putting my best foot forward. I'm enjoying this life, yes, but what preparations am I making for the next?

It's painful though, because putting my best foot forward, for me, means trimming "unnessary" things in my life. I use to be a big internet junkie, surfing a whole lot. Right now, I just keep to Jalopnik, oppo, and LALD. I use to go to Tay, digital Burnouts, etc; but I spent too much time online, and not enough time with my wife and kid.

I'm not saying you should be doing this, but it's what I've felt like I should be doing. I'm trimming away, with Gods help, what is unneeded. And it feels like pulling teeth, but I know it's worth it. :)

The man in the iron mask > zeontestpilot 08/30/2014 at 22:52

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Nice, i have been doing this with facebook, so i get what you mean. Now i just take 10 or 15 min. See what i need to, (dont think i spend the time stalking my friends) I follow Lewis Hamilton, Jay leno, and other drivers or tracks that upload many things along the week. Some cool stuff. And the same, i just keep myself in Jalopnik and Oppo. I used to surf youtube for hours. But now i just see the videos on Jalopnik.

zeontestpilot > The man in the iron mask 08/31/2014 at 08:25

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Lol, nice! And that's good you are taking steps. There are so many distractions in life, it's sometimes easy to just not calm down, and take a break from it.

I have other convictions too, but are really just meant for me. For example, music. I listen to purely Christian music now. It's not meant for everyone. Hear me out though. The main reason I do is because I used to listen to Sum 41 "Does this look infected" all the time. It spoke to me, reflected what I felt on the inside, it was words to live by (or so I thought). Then I got saved, and realized that despite me being very stubborn and not listening to anyone, music was my Achilles heel, it can/will bring me down in an instant. For me (and me alone), it is a sin.

So I made a choice, to listen to only Christisn artists. I know I miss out on some good bands, but I had to be in order for me to be closer to God. Now, I've gone out and found done of the wildest, greatest Christian bands out there; I mean, I love death metal, :).

In fact, one day I wore a Demon Hunter t-shirt and caught the attention of a lovely lady who liked the band. A lovely lady who had the same convictions about music I had, and is now my wife and the mother of my daughter. :)

I'm not saying you should follow suite. Just to be weary of what you do and what you let in. Also, I've become very well versed in the Christian music scene, so if you ever what to find a clean, toe-tapping, amazing band; just give a holler! :)

The man in the iron mask > zeontestpilot 08/31/2014 at 14:17

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True, ive listened to Sum 41, i knew just one song of them but i know what you mean. I actually also did that with my music but not that drastically, i love rock (from the 50's with chuck berry, elvis, beatles, the eagles, to the 80's scorpions, def leppard and journey, bryan adams, but i also had eminem, you know the lyrics dont say many nice things, so one day i deleted them all.

Talking about Elvis, the song "Crying in the chapel" is nice, well you said you like death metal, so im not sure you'll like it, but anyways, i think its a very peaceful song. It gets me very relaxed. And also this song (just kidding), Bryan Adams- Here in Heaven. if you haven't heard it before, its unrelated it has nothing to do with religion.

zeontestpilot > The man in the iron mask 08/31/2014 at 20:56

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I like most forms of music; like ska, metal, punk, bluegrass, techno, etc. To give some name drops: Five Iron Frenzy, Icon for Hire, Phineas, I am Empire, Hope for the Dying, Akissforjersey, The Washington Projects, Whitecollar Sideshow, and the list can go on.

I like anything fast-paced, sometimes aggressive, and a great right-hook melody. For example, "Hollywood ( is burning down)" by calibretto 13. :)

Auggie > No, I don't thank you for the fish at all 10/01/2014 at 22:43

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Hey man

I know this is an oldish post but that won't stop me from wanting to help. If you want to talk at all let me know. I know it's easy to feel like if God is suppose to be in control then everything bad is his fault, but there is a lot more to it than that so if you'd like to talk about God and Christianity or that sort of stuff Id be happy to. Not "be a good person and you'll be rich", "If you have bad luck you're a bad person" or "let's get religious" Christianity. Not all of it is stuffy church stuff, it might at least make you feel less like someone is out to get you. I'm not fishing for someone to convert, but if I have some answers that might at least clear a few things up about what God is to a lot of people who believe in him I guess I just thought that's some way I could help in my own way. I promise I'm not gonna make you pray with me or drag you to church, just saying if you want someone to talk to I will. And heck come to think of it it doesn't even have to be about that. If you need to vent: Thorsky@outlook.com