The 2011 Toyota Camry Hybrid

"crazedclay: SBC murderer" (crazedclay) 07/17/2014 at 08:30 • Filed to: reviews

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(Disclosure. Toyota built this car. I didn't buy it. Some other guy did. Then it got handed down to some other other guy who works for an organization who contracted our company to do things to it. I got to do those things, and in doing those things, got to get familiar with it)

(I also lost most of my photos of the actual car, which is a real shame. But I will improvise as best able with things from the internet)

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If I were to say "At first blush" it would be a lie. Because it is impossible to blush when looking at a Toyota Camry Hybrid.

It would be like… having a spontaneous orgasm after finding that your pack of Kraft singles came with 17 slices instead of 16—or discovering to your joy that you ARE getting audited this year (hooray!) and those IRS folks are a lot of fun to chat with about t4e forms and the interpretation of section 27 (b) clause 12 of the income tax act of 1972—A personal passion of yours.

"I'm so sorry honey, does it smell like extra cheese again?"

No. There was no blush. There wasn't much of anything, actually. Just the dull forlorn dread of the Aware contemplating the nature of the Abyss carefully, before plunging headlong into it.

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Looking at the exterior of the Camry, you get the feeling that ToMoCo didn't so much want it to be outstanding.

In fact, it almost feels like they commissioned a design steering committee of twelve members-Including 2.3 children and a dog of socially acceptable breed, to discover just where the line was in terms of contemporary design—and then backed off about ten steps just to be safe. I guess they didn't want to get audited that year. The only outstanding cues to the nature of it's drive train versus the rest of the line is a front air dam reminiscent of the Prius. A little chunkier than the non hybrid models. One could even call it sporty.

To use that in a sentence: "These new shaycarl argyle socks sure make me feel sporty. I can't wait to show Phyllis in Record Retention."

They also decided on a name for their hybrid drive. Synergy. And plastered that on a couple times.

Synergy is sort of a fun one to play with. Born of bullshit, boardrooms, focus groups, and buzzword fantasies. Which I'm almost certain in this case had it's hybrid contextual genesis in a bukkake circle jerk that involved all of those places and things. Which may mark one of the few times that any group of someones has gotten excited enough to experience any sort of climax in the same place as a Camry Hybrid.

We don't know. But look. Synergy. So much fucking synergy. Synergy, Dawg.

For the purpose of the review, I will tell you that there are tail lamps (LED on the Hybrid), and headlights. There are reverse lights on the trunk. And if you're lucky, you'll get some fog lights—But only if you ask really nicely when your waiter brings out the menu. Mine was not so equipped though.

Of the lighting that was there, it was what it was. It lit up at the appropriate time, and turned off without drama. Much like a good little Disney star.

There will be no photos of lit up Disney stars. They don't allow cameras in rehab.

One note. The tail lamps on the Camry are not removable without first removing the rear bumper in it's entirety. In fact, the tail lamps actually hold the bumper up. Which is sort of a pain until you realize that the bumper's entire career is held aloft by no more than four screws (I know people like this) and can also be torn off more easily than the scabs on Taylor Swift's psyche (Joe Jonas, you scoundrel).

The plastic itself is about as thin as any I have ever laid my hands on. Cocaine and rock star thin, as a matter of fact. Which is fitting, because if you abuse it it will never be the same, and it'll put out an album whose title track is "Fuck you, I hate you, undress me one more time."

And yes. Hate sex and the Camry in the same line. I just went there. Which in some sort of inception-like occurrence, is also fitting. Because if you own one of these, it's likely that the only sex you've been getting lately is probably

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The trunk is adequate. It'll do. It's a trunk.

With one exception.

Because of the extra gizmos associated with the hybrid, there is a lot of ducting that fits up against the rear seat. And as such, while you can lower the seats, the opening that you get is only about a foot tall by about two feet wide. So basically, you are dropping your seats to say hello to your trunk liner and pass something small and unimportant through.

Like your pride.

That'll fit nicely, and since it's dead, it won't need a lot of air.

Keep your pride away from the socially acceptable breed of dog. It likes to roll in dead things.

And, if by miracle if it wakes up when you wave to a fellow Camry owner in the parkade at Omnicorp incorpororpororporated (Hey Jim, is that Sand Beige? You rebel!), you shouldn't worry, because the panel gaps and poorly fitting trunk will give it enough of a breeze to sustain some form of life.

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But what about the cabin? You are going to spend a lot of time there. Most of it. And it's probably one of the most important aspects of your decision.

Here, at least in one important way, I have to hand it to Toyota. Their seats are primo. And I know this because my 1979 Malibu has had a leather seat transplant from something Toyota that was born around the same time as this Camry, and I love those seats. They are even heated. And you haven't lived until you own a 1979 Malibu with heated leather.

It also sports something I haven't seen in any other car. What they at ToMoCo call a "PlasmaCluster". I was originally going to lampoon this item, because it sort of looked like a descriptor for the radio and hvac lighting or something. It's printed in gigantic letters on the centre stack. It looks like something that most owners will read, forget about, and never ever look at.

But what it does is sort of interesting.

After your gruelling session of returning your library books about microwave cooking for one, and/or sitting in the park lamenting your life, you can get into your Camry Hybrid and turn on the Plasmacluster, which will flood the cabin with ionized air which through some magical process bonds to things like fungi and bacteria—rendering them inert, sterile, and dead. And I have to hand it to Toyota for this.

They managed to fit a system like this to the most boring and dead car in the world—a system whose sole mission is to make it more dead inside . I give them credit. When they want something done completely, they are going to do it completely. Just make sure you keep your pride in the trunk cause if it ain't dead, the plasmacluster is coming for that, too.

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After this though, it starts to go downhill (which is good, because regenerative braking).

I'm not sure where to really begin this part of things. So probably right at the front. The dashboard is made of some sort of minimally tactile material likely last seen in mom's special drawer. It literally reminds me of the cold flesh of a surrogate lover.

Surrogate lover, XLE.

And in this case, the owner had it detailed and they applied some sort of protectant that gave it a greasy sheen. Similar to what you might expect a silicon based personal lubricant to feel and look like on the cold flesh of a surrogate lover.

And, in a slightly amused fashion, I also have to tell you that there are sections of the cabin that attach to the rubbery part of the dash (outer frame of the centre stack) that have been printed with what I think was supposed to be the same pattern—but they are of a completely different depth and look.

It's one thing to print your soft touch and hard touch surfaces in the same pattern. But it's probably really important that when you do so, you make sure that they actually look like the same thing and carry at least a little similarity. Unless you are selling to people who just don't care about how things fit together or look, and if you are, you can probably get away with it. But who would do a thing like that… Oh wait.

Interior plastics. Again, rockstar cocaine thin.

We had to pull up the driver's kick panels and A/B pillars to run some harnesses, and it was immediately notable that Toyota engineered the panels to have a wide tolerance. And by that, I mean slightly oversized holes in the sheet metal for the retaining clips that attach the plastic interior panels. And the clips themselves are of about half the size of ones I have seen in competing products. The plastic itself is extremely thin and flexible.

So basically, the panels can be made with less quality control—and fit by completely unskilled people with the coordination of a jar of preserved fruit because they will fit with no trouble at all based on the dictated tolerances.

And getting serious for a moment, that actually rankles me a fair bit. Toyota purports to produce some of the best quality vehicles, but under the skin, I see very little of that from an engineering perspective. And if consumers are paying for that perceived value, they should probably be getting it. Just because they don't know how to look for it, it should still be there and not compromised with products of marginal fit and designed to aid production. But enough of that. We all know it.

Thank you, Captain. I'm promoting you to the rank of Admiral. Your new formal title will be Admiral NoShit of the third fleet.

The centre stack/in car entertainment unit itself is no better.

I remember owning a cheap Tandy discman knock off in my youth. You know, the ones poor kids got because a Sony one was a little too upmarket and some kid at school would steal that one.

The buttons were ready to fall off of it (And had that half hearted rebound similar to that time you got dumped in high school in front of your entire home room class and had several nights of rebounds… with yourself)

It was twisty, literally foldable. Not at all the bearer of the weight one usually feels in a superior product.

And I was immediately thrown back to that ownership experience with the head unit in the Camry. The buttons felt like that. And wiggled in axial planes that they weren't supposed to. Add to that that for the most part, you actually had to sink the button below the bezel to get any sort of action from the head unit.

Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle. Turn down your community radio station for what?

Worth noting that the audio was the flattest and dullest I have ever experienced in a stock unit. You have to hand it to the engineers, they really go for a cohesive theme.

One of the more interesting things about the interior on this Camry was actually the cluster. Not only was it impossible to see in daylight, much like the rest of the cabin it contained nothing worth seeing in daylight.

(The cluster had things that moved in it—which made it automatically the most interesting part of the driving interaction.)

With the hybrid, you get four gauges. Two of which are extraneous in the minds of most Camry owners (speed and temperature).

Again, Toyota banking on the average level of information a typical owner will be able to absorb at one time.

You get a Speedo, fuel level, Temp, and gargantuan "LOOK AT ME I'M SAVING THE WORLD BUT NOT REALLY" economy meter.

Like, a level of LOOK AT ME that is reminiscent of a bouncer taking you out back and slapping the polish off of your shoes level of LOOK AT ME. I AM SAVING THE GODDAMN WORLD YOU PATHETIC BLIND FUCK. LET ME MAKE THE FONT BIGGER SO YOU CAN SEEEEEE MEEEEEEE.

Essentially that.

My feeling on the subject is that it was designed this way to easily flip the average owner between his or her two native states of consciousness—That being a lack of it, and then a dim awareness of it.

"The monsters come out at night, mostly."

And you also get a little green light that says "Ready". Which I rather like all told.

It's so cute and cuddly. It's actually quite welcoming to see.

When I first pressed the power button, and the Camry booted up, it unlocked the column and said "My body is READY . I may fuck like a tranquilized mattress, but I'm READY, god damnit. Take me you argyll sock wearing vanilla lights-out lover. Take me like an animal... But take it easy—my back hurts, and don't wake up the kids. And I have to be at work in the morning so don't mess my hair up. Big meeting, you know".

And then I did

The Drive.

Now often times, what I hear is that the Camry is "grounded to the ground". And I approached those claims with a skeptic's mindset. But I was pleasantly surprised.

The Camry IS grounded to the ground. Especially in Hybrid trim.

You see. Driving the Camry Hybrid, you note very quickly that it is incredibly heavy on it's feet. Like it feels HEAVY. As though all the gods in all the heavens decided to have a picnic between your back seats and the centre arm rest. It is grounded to the ground like something on the ground. In that if you push it hard enough it will fall over.

There is a giant godlike fist planted right on top of the Camry Hybrid that is squeezing it into the asphalt. But this fist only works in one direction. Down.

If you so much as try to corner in the Camry hybrid, or change lanes. Or adjust your grip on the wheel. Well, that's when the magical grounded to the ground fist sort of decides that it likes slapping the side of your car around in a maniacal way instead, reminiscent of that time uncle Jim had another of his blackout rages and took it out on you and your cousin and nobody talks about it anymore because it's uncomfortable. Ahem.

It will dodge and dive like Linda Blair on acid. Unpredictably bad.

To counter this, Toyota took the step of making the baby gate to Linda Blair's stairwell completely impassable.

The traction control in this car is completely undefeatable. I scoured the cab, and could not find the off button.

This means that in terms of Inception speak. We are three dreams in now.

The most beige variant of the most beige car in existence made more beige by the inbuilt inability to dial back the beige in favour of any defeat of the beige that exists. Read that out loud several times with wildly gesticulating hand-talk motions.

Let me tell you again. You cannot defeat the traction control on a Camry Hybrid (Or at least my tester).

"We must go deeper, just don't wake the kids up ok?"

So, is it grounded to the ground? Yes. In a slooooooow straight line devoid of anything, anyone, or anything. Especially conscious thought. Can't let that get in the way.

This is in part due to the layout of the rear suspension, if I'm honest.

The rear control and alignment is handled by big long transverse arms with large and pliable bushings on either end. And those bushings are retained by big high tolerance tubes welded to the end of the arms. The goal being that in a straight line, you're all good-Soft pliable ride. So soft. but expect an inordinate amount of movement in those bushings when you get on it in the bends. In short, the Camry Hybrid is grounded to the ground if you are the world's most boring driver and incapable human being.

Oh hey guys. Speak of the devil

"Take me like an animal."

"You look like my sister. I like homogeny and predictability in my life though so that's cool, let's do it missionary style tonight *sexy intake of breath* With the night light on."

"Ok, I like it when Jesus watches."

You'll be happy to know though, that it will finish quick, just like our power couple up there.

Thanks to the drivetrain layout (Hybrid torque, baby) on the Camry Hybrid it will accelerate at a reasonable rate, up to a reasonable speed, and sustain that speed until it needs to not sustain it any more—at which point it should stop. Just please for the love of god don't turn. Please don't wake up Uncle Jim.

And that about covers that.

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The Toyota Camry Hybrid.

It's a car. Not a good car. Not even close to that as a matter of fact. It's something that you buy having never test driven it. In fact, you probably bought it off of a menu. And if you own this car, then I am deeply sad for you.

It is a car that for all that it is, is the fundamental crux of the absolute garbage that can sneak by under the trusted T brand.

No, not Thorazine.

The car company that emulates the Thorazine experience in it's Camry Hybrid.

Toyota.

Yes, Oolon, you certainly can.

It is a symbol of what a car company can get away with when allowed to by a complacent buying public under the thrall of what Toyota may have been at some point in the past but was definitely not when this car left the assembly line.

And it's bullshit.

It's bullshit all by itself, but it represents bullshit, too. On an industry wide scale.

Self perpetuating echo chamber "I'll take it in beige" car-unaware bullshit fostered by general consumer apathy and reciprocally supported by the development and sale of mass market appliances, because "they'll buy that, why try harder".

And that's what the Camry Hybrid is.

And now you have your answer.

Tune in next time, when I run an exciting new piece entitled:

"The Equus? Please park that elsewhere, Sir. This is a country club, not a chuck-e-cheeze."

Please direct all complaints about this review directly to Toyota Motor Corporation. They made the flipping thing. Blame them.

http://media.toyota.ca/contacts

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jkm7680 > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 08:33

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All reviews should be written exactly like this!

Quick question: How many dead hookers do you reckon could fit in the trunk?

yamahog > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 08:39

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So you're saying you liked it, right?

Alex B > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 08:42

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Top notch review.

dinobot666 > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 08:47

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So this is the Canadian Toyota Camry Hybrid eh? Why is there American Kraft singles then? What's that all aboot?

ttyymmnn > dinobot666 07/17/2014 at 08:48

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It's a conspiracy.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 09:14

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Jesus Christ this was hilarious!!!!!!!!

ly2v8-Brian > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 09:15

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You outdid yourself. A true tour de force.

thebigbossyboss > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 09:42

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"Self perpetuating echo chamber "I'll take it in beige" car-unaware bullshit fostered by general consumer apathy and reciprocally supported by the development and sale of mass market appliances, because "they'll buy that, why try harder"."

This is why I will never own a Toyota manufactured after about 1999. Great review. I especially hate the design that has the tail lights hold up the bumper. For the avg consumer that means getting the shop to change your light bulbs.

Vicente Esteve > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 10:00

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This is EXACTLY what should first appear on google when searching for Camry. Any possible buyers would read it, and there is literally no way they wont be at least a little put off by the Camry. Very well written, huge laughs on an otherwise suicidaly boring vehicle.

EL_ULY > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 10:16

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I always found the hybrid trim kind of pointless especially for the little gain. Maybe if they used Lexus Hybrid Drive over Hybrid Synergy but the price would of made it a worse seller. My brother got a loaded '14 V6 for his wife I think for a lease. It is blast (no Porsche but better than any German car i've owned) but heck back in the day even those V6 were sold with manuals.

Still, in Mexico DF there are French cars and VW's all over the place as their "beige" cars. After driving a whole bunch of all those Fluence, Sandero, C1, C2, Tida, 208's and Gol's... I'd take a our beige over Europe's. FYI, I'd say 90% cars are manuals down there, worse drivers on Earth but their accidents are not caused by drinking coffee and reading the paper while in traffic lol

I'd like links to their feedback pages and emails as well. They are advertised as "grounded to the ground" way more than Camry trust be.

All those cars have super soft ass suspension and "pliable bushings" as well, lots of cars. lol

All in all, the Carmy in hybrid trim at least doesn't makes too much sense but NO vehicle is a bad option for an A to B vehicle. A lot of what you wrote can easily be said about the majority of cars today truuuust me.

But oh well. There are people who really like their Carmy Hybrid and their tiny little French hatchbacks, pick ups, GT3's. Good for all those people :] Don't bother me not ooone bit. I personally will never sit in a car and examine every single item on it or ever call anything bullshit (lol except maybe Lotus things). They all have their cool features and things they cheap out on. Me, just a calm dude here letting people Drive Free and letting cars be what they ALL are, soulless machines :] But oh well, the kids will eat this review up.

Forgetful > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 11:01

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I would imagine writing this review was a bit like this:

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > dinobot666 07/17/2014 at 11:03

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Because it's analogous- just like Kraft Singles, the Camry Hybrid is owned by people who don't know better and think it's the real deal.

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 11:06

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So what kind of work were you doing to it?

RotaryLover > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 12:41

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Spaceball-Two > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 12:59

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You had me at the Aliens reference.

wkiernan > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 20:19

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My wife has a Camry Hybrid, which I really really like. Not in the same way I liked my SAAB Monte Carlo, obviously, or the same way I like my Miata, but it really impresses me and it's the only car with an automatic transmission that I have enjoyed driving since my boss once tossed me the keys to his slushy-equipped C3 Corvette.

I suppose you are entitled to your opinion, but it is my opinion, how can I phrase this nicely, I guess I can't, sorry, but it is my opinion that you are full of shit.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/17/2014 at 23:28

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This was great. This was seriously fucking great! Please review more cars like this.

Sounds like my mom's Saturn is better than this in every aspect. And it's 3 years older. And made by GM.

Ryanator122 > crazedclay: SBC murderer 07/18/2014 at 02:14

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May not be a great car, but I bet it still runs in 20 years

Stef Schrader > crazedclay: SBC murderer 08/24/2014 at 23:50

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{ applause }

That, sir, was a thing of beauty. Couldn't agree more.