You Know You Have An Unhealthy Car Addiction When...

"Steven Lang" (StevenLang) 07/11/2014 at 17:46 • Filed to: cars, addiction, car addiction, auto addiction, fetish, automobiles, unhealthy

32

96

You spend more money on car grooming than your own grooming.

When a friend asks you to go out shopping your immediate thought is, "Motor Oil!"

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You try to find a seat at the restaurant that will let you look at all the nice shiny cars. That way you won't get distracted by the annoying conversations.

You have $20 in your pocket, and you have a choice of going on a cheap date and going on a nice drive, and of course, you choose the drive.

You have dreams of fixing your own car on a weekly basis. These dreams, given your current skill set, have nothing to do with reality.

You have an old car and you have nightmares of other people trying to fix your own car on a daily basis. These dreams have everything to do with reality.

You find yourself arguing passionately about a car you have neither owned nor driven.

You think the names Dodge, Audi, and Volkswagen, are perfectly good names for your future children.

You find yourself reading car reviews at 2:30 A.M. in the morning and.... hey... wait... why am I writing about myself?

You find yourself routinely spending your weekends going to the Pull-A-Part and buying components that don't even fit your own car.

Your idea of the dream companion is someone who has a complete set of Snap-On tools.

You hear someone talking about the joys of owning their boring refrigerator of a car (usually a Camry or Prius), and you feel like shouting, "You don't know what the hell you are talking about!"

You start reading car reviews and you slowly begin to realize that these folks are writers of pure fiction.

You start noticing certain phrases being reduced, reused and recycled when it comes to new car reviews such as, "It handles like it's on rails!" and, "The X-speed automatic transmission shifted smoothly." Still you keep reading, just because it's a car review.

You wish you had a second car so that your friends couldn't get your daily driver all dirty.

You wish you had a third car so that your second car wouldn't get all dirty. And besides, who wouldn't want a 22 year old Chrysler LeBaron?

You find yourself silently cussing out long-time friends because they left wrappers, drinks, and other crap in your car.

On second thought, they're no longer your friends. Screw em'! Your new friends are the three other people who drive your car in the area, and you're all thinking of starting a new club.

Your non-enthusiast friends start avoiding you at all costs because every time they see you, all you ever do is talk about your damn car!

ddavidn > Steven Lang 07/11/2014 at 16:09

2

This is like 90% me. Except nobody rides in my car but me, so I have no one to get mad at.

offroadkarter > Steven Lang 07/11/2014 at 16:09

11

when you fall in love with a piece of shit 90's monte carlo

MonkeePuzzle > Steven Lang 07/11/2014 at 16:10

4

are you suggesting I don't deserve a good wash and wax every now and then?

BKRM3 > Steven Lang 07/11/2014 at 16:47

9

I hate how accurate this is. At least I'm not the only one. (Btw no one leaves anything in my car. There would be murders.)

MountainCommand > Steven Lang 07/14/2014 at 19:08

2

2nd to last... Yep. I have joined a local prelude enthusiast club.

Evlo > Steven Lang 12/07/2014 at 09:14

1

I tough i'm ok, but then the 22yo lebaron as third car hit me.

Also, obviously, noone in my area drives the same car type. :) At least that i know of. Thee people ... i wish!

aquila121 > MountainCommand 12/08/2014 at 23:26

0

That's exactly how I got started.

jalopnikfan222 > Steven Lang 12/10/2014 at 18:50

0

Have you guys seen this video of a ferrari racing an rc drone:

TheTick247 > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:33

3

I identify with about 25%. That number jumps to about 33% if you skip the ones about having friends and jump to just not having friends.

El-Verde > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:33

35

Expert Level I just reached:

"You get kicked out of your apartment because there aren't enough parking spots and you have too many cars. "

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:35

2

Instead of saying it handles like its on rails I always say "It handles like a hamster on cocaine."

SirUno > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:36

0

You say this like it's a bad thing. 

SlabSheetrock > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:38

2

Apropos to nothing, but if you're looking for a unicorn for Christmas, here's one-

http://dandeerytoyota.com/Cedar-Falls-Io…

jariten1781 > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:42

2

Is this a Cosmo quiz? If it is, I scored a 13/19. Where's the list of humorously named categories so I know where I fall?

Gene Lewis > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:47

0

when your in college, somewhat broke, living with your parents during the summer and you find it necessary to drop 2 grand on a 74 c10 with a 383 stroker because it's a hell of a good deal. Oh. And you don't have a place to park it after you buy it. But it was a good deal, so it stays.

Mustang 'DontHitTheCrowd' GT > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:48

8

If anyone puts up their feet on my dash, their legs get cleaved right off

Bubba68CS > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:50

2

when...

1) You know your cam specs by heart (204/216, 0.456/0.484, 112 LSA)
2) You've traded a car for a transmission (straight up)
3) You walk into a parts store and end up asking for parts from 3 different vehicles...for your one project.

chucky2jimmy > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:51

2

I thought you were talking about me until you got to the third car being a 22 year Chrysler LeBaron. My SECOND car is a 27 year old Chrysler LeBaron...so I don't have a problem. Right? RIGHT?????????????

SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie > El-Verde 12/23/2014 at 14:51

3

That's over 9000!

clutchshiftington > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:53

0

Some extras:

-You avoid going to particular bars/restaurants/friend's houses because there's no place to park without risking a door ding.

-You spent more on a pair of ported cylinder heads than on all the furniture in your bedroom and think that's normal.

-When you need new tires, you take off the wheels and tire yourself and bring them to store loose to have new tires mounted, because you'll be damned if you'll let some stranger touch a wrench to your car.

-You notice when your friends' cars are overdue for an oil change or need new tires before they do.

-You can't fathom how anyone could use anything other than full synthetic motor oil. I mean seriously... it's only like an extra $15 to use good oil!

-On a first date, the state of maintenance of your prospective date's car is a factor on whether or not there will be a second date.

El-Verde > jariten1781 12/23/2014 at 14:55

14

11-15: You are a CARmmunist! Oh General Secretary, you sure do love your cars. Nobody could get past your "Iron Curtain" of love for cars.

Now turn to page 132 for 7 dirty tricks that will BLOW HIS MIND in bed.

High Road > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:57

0

Your tires only have 10k on them, but tire ads in car magazines are like porn. P265/40ZR18's...ooooh, I'll be right back.

ViperGuy21 > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 14:59

2

Uh oh! I might be in trouble haha!

Let's add another though:

"When you plan your route to avoid possible sprinklers and low spots where water sits to avoid wasting the entire weekend you just spent detailimg your car."

Dream Theater of the Absurd > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:00

6

You start noticing certain phrases being reduced, reused and recycled when it comes to new car reviews such as, "It handles like it's on rails!" and, "The X-speed automatic transmission shifted smoothly." Still you keep reading, just because it's a car review.

Corollary: You slap yourself on the forehead when a magazine review describes a car's "go-kart-like handling" because you've actually driven a kart and the reviewer clearly has not.

ThatbastardKurtis > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:00

0

When a woman bends over, you think of what car's rear she reminds you of...(instead of the other way around).

"Testarossa? No, no..."

"993 Porsche 911 GT3? No, no..."

"C5 Corvette? No, no..."

Dream Theater of the Absurd > chucky2jimmy 12/23/2014 at 15:01

3

By any chance, did it once belong to Jon Voight?

Audi-os, Amigos! > El-Verde 12/23/2014 at 15:04

7

*Blow his gasket in bed

Audi-os, Amigos! > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:05

2

You find yourself arguing passionately about a car you have neither owned nor driven.

HA! +1

NeonBlaqk > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:06

0

The first one isn't fair. It's not my fault that Sephora is the only place I can buy most of my makeup and hair products, thereby making my own upkeep more expensive than that of my car. If I were a dude and all I had to worry about was cheap shampoo, bar soap, shaving cream, and razors, I'd be spending more money on my car as well.

Also, when I was shopping for my house, I specifically ruled out any neighborhood with an HOA that wouldn't allow me to park in my driveway and any house that didn't have additional off-street parking. Turned out to be a good decision when we were harboring 6 cars over the summer.

Wolc *grammar nazis go f*** yourselves* > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:07

0

you give your first car to your kid brother just coz you hope to get it back one day

NeonBlaqk > El-Verde 12/23/2014 at 15:07

1

Shouldn't it be 7 dirty tricks for blowing his something else if it's in bed?

El-Verde > Audi-os, Amigos! 12/23/2014 at 15:12

0

better

Eugenius > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:14

0

when you think it's action movie hero...

Dr_Watson > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:19

11

You have a stack of wheels and tires in your garage for a car you no longer own because, "hey maybe they'll fit my next one".

chucky2jimmy > Dream Theater of the Absurd 12/23/2014 at 15:23

0

Nope. It's been in my family since new.

Zzzzzzzzzz > El-Verde 12/23/2014 at 15:28

1

How many is too many?

El-Verde > Zzzzzzzzzz 12/23/2014 at 15:30

5

Four.

Only Four.

AND THEY ALL RUN! 3 OF THEM RUN VERY WELL, IN FACT.

2 were garaged but they wouldn't let me rent 2 additonal garages, which would have solved their problem and given them more money, because it is against "Corporate Policy."

Boo.

RedWhine > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:40

10

Way too much truth to this..

ls-s10 > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:42

0

lol wow I can associate with WAY more of those list items than I thought I would.

I actually own 4 vehicles. 1 for the wife and 3 for me. I keep buying them to keep from having to drive the other ones on the road with those crazed loonies who are only out to damage my vehicles. It's a never ending problem.

Half Baked Banter > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:43

0

I counted 12 of these that describe me. I have a problem. And, like all problems, it can be solved with a new project. Back to Craigslist I go!

irisfailsafe5000 > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 15:48

0

...when you read Jalopnik everyday....

Fuel_of_Satan > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:05

0

"You have dreams of fixing your own car on a weekly basis. These dreams, given your current skill set, have nothing to do with reality."

Should this be a -1 score if "...given your current skill set, have everything to do with reality"? Like a healthy car addiction?

Birddog > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:06

2

Crud..

I have an addiction to my car.

I guess admission is the first step..

Fuel_of_Satan > RedWhine 12/23/2014 at 16:08

3

I actually do use that Nivea soap. Works as shampoo too so you can get that good window cleaner.

Steven Lang > Fuel_of_Satan 12/23/2014 at 16:13

0

Good point! I think a negative score in this case is a healthy thing.

Steven Lang > El-Verde 12/23/2014 at 16:14

4

Don't feel bad. I once got cited for having too many cars on my driveway, and I don't even live in an HOA.

They did tell me that I could park as many as I liked on the street though.

Steven Lang > BKRM3 12/23/2014 at 16:15

0

The most profound statements of one's life usually come by playing on the internet for too long.

Steven Lang > ViperGuy21 12/23/2014 at 16:15

1

Wow. Never thought of that one.

Fuel_of_Satan > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:15

1

Great. So that's me down to just 13/19. Not bad!

Steven Lang > Dr_Watson 12/23/2014 at 16:15

0

That's awesome!

Steven Lang > offroadkarter 12/23/2014 at 16:16

0

Big thumbs up for that comment.

Steven Lang > MonkeePuzzle 12/23/2014 at 16:16

1

We all do. In our own unique way.

Steven Lang > chucky2jimmy 12/23/2014 at 16:17

0

You are the King of Swing, and the purveyor of all things cool.

Steven Lang > TheTick247 12/23/2014 at 16:17

0

I think that roughly correlates to the percentage of dead wrestlers who competed at Wrestlemania 10.

Just a random thought...

Steven Lang > Dream Theater of the Absurd 12/23/2014 at 16:18

1

Very well put!

Justin Hughes > Dr_Watson 12/23/2014 at 16:28

0

Guilty as charged!

JAY > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:32

0

Guilty of one

You have dreams of fixing your own car on a weekly basis. These dreams, given your current skill set, have nothing to do with reality.

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > BKRM3 12/23/2014 at 16:35

0

outstanding icon

BKRM3 > Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double 12/23/2014 at 16:40

0

Danke =)

TooManyCarsMike > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:42

5

You cut and grind wrenches to make them fit tight spots but making them useless for any other job.

Memorizing torque sequences but not your girlfriends birthday.

Knowing someone by the car they drive but have no idea what their name is.

Having a "cars I must drive before I die" list.

Quality food or car parts? Looks like Im eating peanut butter and jelly for a month.

Buying car parts for a car you don't own yet.

Or still having parts for a car you already sold but keep, "just incase" you buy another one.

I have a whole list of these...

#CarGuyProblems

SmugAardvark > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:44

0

You're on a first date, and you take her on the scenic route home. You end up hitting a 7 foot alligator. Rather than checking to see if your date is alive and well, your only concern is about how much damage that fucking reptile did.

Your lack of a second date pales in comparison to the horrid smell that now occupies your garage and house.

TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 16:51

6

The only reason you buy a house is because it had a garage big enough to fit your truck.

Seriously that's why I bought the house, I could give two fucks that it's a Cape Cod or something like that. Idk, it has a bed and a garage with a 8ft door and a 12ft ceiling. The garage is 22 ft wide and 30 ft long.

thegregorius > Dream Theater of the Absurd 12/23/2014 at 16:57

2

YES. THANK YOU. I was trying to resist to bring that example up. Anyone describing any street-legal car other than a Caterham (and particularly a four-door FWD car) as "go kart-like" is either a lier or someone who has spent very little time in a go kart.

Steven Lang > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 12/23/2014 at 17:01

2

I almost moved a few houses down for the exact same reason.

Steven Lang > TooManyCarsMike 12/23/2014 at 17:03

1

Great list! I'm afraid to say that I can personally identify with a lot of the things you just mentioned.

thegregorius > TooManyCarsMike 12/23/2014 at 17:03

2

"Knowing someone by the car they drive but have no idea what their name is."

Spot on. My relative keep a garage where he works on his MGA coupι and a few other cars. His friends often stop by for a cup of coffee, and of course there are quite a few more British cars in that crowd. There is one person who I can only identify as "that one bloke with an MGA with a twincam engine". One day, I was talking to my relative, and it turns out that even he refers to the man as "that twincam guy"!

Kevin Rhodes > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 17:04

0

When your car payments (plural, for a single guy) are more than your mortgage payments.

Guilty as charged, but I do have a pretty small mortgage.

TooManyCarsMike > thegregorius 12/23/2014 at 17:38

1

Haha. That's great that you both don't know eachothers names. I also list people in my phone by what car they drive.

Colby 240. HAD a 240 now he has an STi but he will always be Colby 240 to me. haha

Amy A. Coombs > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 19:35

0

Start working at home with Google! It's by-far the best job I've had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this - 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at least $77 per hour. I work through this link, go to tech tab for work detail

———————————> http://www.jobs700.com

VonBelmont > Audi-os, Amigos! 12/23/2014 at 19:38

0

That's why you don't ever cold start

El-Verde > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 21:26

0

You must be popular with the neighbors!

chizelord > Mustang 'DontHitTheCrowd' GT 12/23/2014 at 21:26

3

YES!! Even worse when they get their grubby paw prints on my clean windshield.

CaptainBoss > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 21:37

1

You wish you had a second car so that your friends couldn't get your daily driver all dirty.

This would be exactly why I bought my winter beater truck. Plus it lets me keep the miles down on the Audi.

KamikazePigeon > Mustang 'DontHitTheCrowd' GT 12/23/2014 at 23:09

1

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Steven Lang 12/23/2014 at 23:43

0

You try to find a seat at the restaurant that will let you look at all the nice shiny cars. That way you won't get distracted by the annoying conversations.

done that.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 00:00

0

If your wife is mad because you turned her brother into a car guy.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts. 12/24/2014 at 00:40

1

every time i think of moving out of my apartment i also think b/c I could have a second car, and a bigger garage.

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > ViperGuy21 12/24/2014 at 00:43

2

I'm more on the side of, "you go out of your way to drive around town when it's snowing for FWD drifting fun. Or you drive down dirt roads because you think you're a rally car driver. " I don't mind if shes a little dirty as long as i can have fun with her.

Dy-no-mite Jay > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 01:55

0

I Believe the picture for your article was of a kid/young man who was "pitching a tent" for his mid nineties Monte Carlo. It was on a tv show, I think one about strange addictions (who would have guessed right?). He claimed to have sexual relations with his car, but didn't go into detail.... I would imagine that the tail pipe may give you third degree burns in the worst possible place and the cigarette lighter would burn the living shi..... piss out of you. This kid was nuts.

Clutchsafetyswitch > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 04:53

0

Yeah... I'm doing the 2:30 am one at almost 4am and about 10 others regularly...

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 05:45

0

I tick every single box. I even do the feet thing that RCR does before I even close my drivers door.

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > SidewaysOnDirt still misses Bowie 12/24/2014 at 05:48

1

Saab 9000

I officially have a problem because my brain made that jump. But what if I like having a problem?

Denver Is Stuck In The 90s > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 05:49

0

Its the opposite where I live, no HOA here either. Luckily I can fit 4 cars in my driveway and have a 2 car garage

ViperGuy21 > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 12/24/2014 at 09:08

1

Hey, there's always two sides for everything right?!?

ViperGuy21 > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 09:08

0

Hey, that's what I'm here for:)

revrseat70 > TooManyCarsMike 12/24/2014 at 09:28

0

I'm glad you added your third one. I was suprised to see the lack of:

You have all of your friends in your phone as their name and car: "Jack Evo"

TimboZ31 > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 11:01

0

When you see a spread of a beautiful woman leaning over a car and you can identify the car. (Extra points if she is exposed)

Kiltedpadre > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 11:20

0

You constantly work on a list of crazy motor swaps you want to perform; and whenever you decide on a new one you update a list of the order you want to do them.

You have a license plate frame from a long defunct car brand simply because you know you'll eventually have the car it belongs on.

You hold onto maintenance manuals long after you sell a car; just in case you need them again.

it's better in a pickup > Steven Lang 12/24/2014 at 13:20

0

The Snap-On tools part is so true!

HarperT5 > thegregorius 12/24/2014 at 16:29

0

Go-kart like handling.... :)

ldympr > TooManyCarsMike 12/24/2014 at 20:47

0

Totally guilty! of 15 plus others

Also, when you go to a Christmas party and your kids ask "Do you recognize anyone's car" and you say no b/c they are daily drivers.

When watching TV you MUST figure out what every car in the movie is, and if you don't know, you scour the internet to find it.

You know makes and models of cars from around the globe! including cars from obscure countries.

You want to bottle the fragrance of a burn out or WD-40

ldympr > TooManyCarsMike 12/24/2014 at 20:49

0

Forgot-I own three parts to an Aston Martin :) I get that!

Forrest > thegregorius 12/24/2014 at 23:32

0

Everyone does this at track days, right?

Nobody knows who "Dwight" is, but everyone knows "guy with the Focus SVT on R-conpouns tires."

And, in my apartment complex, there's "Mitsubishi Mighty Max guy." No idea what his name is, but I call him Max for short.

Spectre6000 > Steven Lang 12/25/2014 at 11:34

0

I have totally moved because of a warning for one of those citations!

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Steven Lang 12/26/2014 at 00:13

1

I just thought of another one

"If you've ever gone to the scene of a car accident hoping to find pieces of the cars involved on the side of the road."

or

"If you have a piece of a race car that you saw wreck in front of you(or better yet that YOU wrecked) sitting on display in your home"

Bruno Martini > Steven Lang 12/26/2014 at 10:38

1

I am itching to buy a house, however my secret top priority is having a proper garage that I can put in my workbench. As well as the house having a small room I can turn into my automotive man cave. Shhhh, the wife does not know about any of this.