The Saga of the 5-cyl Buick

"Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To" (murdersofa)
07/10/2014 at 22:31 • Filed to: buicklopnik

Woke up this morning with some errands to run. I woke up at 9:38 sharp with a throbbing headache and a diminished will to live, but determined to leave the house by 10:30. I waddled around until I was wearing clothes, gathered the supplies I needed to take with me, and got some food.

At 12:30 I made it out to my car, loaded it up, and noticed my sister had left her window down after I thought I rolled them all up, and there was a storm last night.

At 12:43, after using a sponge to evict water from the passenger door, I turned the key and the trusty 2000 Buick LeSabre's roaring V6 asthmatically wheezed to life, shaking the whole car in the process.

Well, that's not right.

I suddenly found myself in a car where things were very far from sunshine and lollipops, and very little of an idea what to do. In the hopes that it was something simple that would fix itself, I gave the engine the beans a bit after letting it warm up in hopes that it would dust out the cobwebs. At this point the "Service Engine Soon" light was flashing its amber proclamation of doom in my face as I consulted the trusty owner's manual. Within the tome of automotive knowledge lied the sage advice that a flashing light signified a misfire.

Well, gee. Thanks. Tell me something I don't know.

By this time I noticed the chugging of the engine had settled into something that resembled sanity so I cautiously violently shoved the automagic four-speed into "drive" and glided off to a trouble-free day of productivity.

Wait, no. That didn't happen at all.

I cautiously pulled out of my driveway and gave the car a little bit of go-juice as I coasted down the street and was greeted by "VRRR-PUTT PUTT *silence* COUGH PUTT VRRRRRRR PUTT VRRRRRR" and re-routed to the nearest AutoZone to see if they could pull any OBD2 codes. At this point I suspected that in the process of welding on a glasspack to my exhaust system I had in fact ruined the o2 sensor, which had welded itself inside the exhaust pipe and the process of removing it (pipe wrench + breaker bar + my leg + portable torch) had ruined the threads, and we simple hammered it roughly back in place after failing to salvage the ruined threads.

After being beaten in a drag race by an unknowning Jetta TDI that wasn't even racing me I finally chugged into the AutoZone parking lot and requested a code read. The resulting code was "Misfire on Cyl 5". No o2 sensor codes. Well ok then.

At this point I puttered my way back home, checked the spark plug wires, injector wires, made sure the fuse box was seated correctly (this has bit me in the butt before) and at this point had exhausted all of my knowledge of this sort of thing.

A couple hours later I drove it to a shop and consulted the gurus of automotive mechanicals, who plugged in a Snap-On several-thousand-dollar OBD2 reader with a wireless tablet thingiemabobber which said... nothing. It couldn't pull any codes from the car for some reason. Odd. At this point the mechanic grabbed a medieval-looking tool that looked like something designed for castration and began systematically yanking spark plug wires as the engine was running. He got to cyl 4 and... nothing. No spark. Check the coil, nothing. Busted coil.

So now my car is in the shop for Freon (AC was blowing lukewarm air and it's regularly hitting 95 degrees outside. No Bueno), a coil, and to diagnose why my traction control and ABS will occasionally decide they no longer want to work for me anymore.

Videos of this saga below.

DISCUSSION (16)

For Sweden > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 22:35

It just wants to be an Ur-Quattro; don't crush its dreams!

ly2v8-Brian > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 22:36

before you say busted coil swap the coil with one that works (i'm talking about their spots ont the module). On my LeSabre it turned out that it was the MODULE underneath and not the coil.

ly2v8-Brian > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 22:47

Also stop driving it. That could fuck up that cat and that is not cheap to fix.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > For Sweden
07/10/2014 at 22:52

Well, 4 seconds to hit 30 mph is pretty soul-crushing so it might need to put a hold on that one...

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > ly2v8-Brian
07/10/2014 at 22:53

Well, I'm leaving it to the shop to figure all that out. They diagnosed it as such, so they should be able to get it running.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > ly2v8-Brian
07/10/2014 at 22:54

I just drove it as much as necessary (autozone, back, then to the shop). I was more worried about dirtying up the misfiring cyl than I am the cat. We don't have emissions here so I really don't have a reason to even have one other than saving the planet.

Firewrx234 > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 22:56

The ABS/Traction control problem is most likely a wheel speed sensor going bad. I had a bad one on my last GTP and it made both of those fail.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > Firewrx234
07/10/2014 at 22:59

Awesome. That sounds cheap to fix (oh dear god please be cheap to fix) but I'm not sure how I'd figure out which one it is, especially with this being as intermittent as it is.

Jordan and the Slowrunner, Boomer Intensifies > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 23:04

That's blistering.

ly2v8-Brian > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 23:14

But you have O2 sensors on both sides and they adjust fuel mix (but im sure it can be flashed out if you catch my drift)

DoYouEvenShift > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 23:16

Wheel speed sensor is integrated into the hub bearing. It wears out, starts to get excessive play. Erratic signal. About $100 and 30 mins of work. Jack up the front and check for movement by pushing and pulling on the 12 and 6 position on the front tires.

DoYouEvenShift > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 23:18

Also you can scan the abs module with previously mentioned snap on scanner. Should tell you which speed sensor is failing.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > ly2v8-Brian
07/10/2014 at 23:20

There are also 'fake' o2 sensors you can get that are used when people cat-delete.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > DoYouEvenShift
07/10/2014 at 23:20

I actually just got two new hubs...

DoYouEvenShift > Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To
07/10/2014 at 23:27

Oh really? Oh well, scan it anways. Sometimes aftermarket parts dont play well with modules. Good luck. Hopefully its just a bad connection or something simple. I have a soft spot for Buick 3.8s. We call them "the unstoppable" in our shop. People neglect them, come in for oil changes because of the "red light" on the dash. Pull the drain plug, and not a drop. They just keep chugging along.

Jake - Has Bad Luck So You Don't Have To > DoYouEvenShift
07/10/2014 at 23:36

220,000 miles on mine and now I take it autocrossing and outside of expected maintenance (replaced the head gasket and transmission main seal) I've had very little go wrong with it. And all my friends love it in its amateurishly-painted matte-black glory.