Awful Consumer Reports Video Wants To End Teenage Hooning

"PRBot II" (prbot2) 07/03/2014 at 11:15 • Filed to: rants, hooning, consumer reports

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Attention teenage car enthusiasts: Do not let your parents see this terrible review for anti-hooning devices!

Outrageously boring yet undeniably useful publication Consumer Reports is laying it on thick here. In their plain-Jane, no frills Eastern Connecticut way, they calmly explain that death is always right around the corner without Orwellian GPS monitoring of their teenagers .

"Don't think of it as spying on your teen, but coaching them to be a better driver."

Wonderful.

So let's look at some of the alerts Mom and Dad receive:

Speeding

Hard braking

Hard acceleration

Well that's hooning right there. And now it's all gone kid, until you buy your own car.

Look, it's hard to watch that heartbreaking (albeit brief) interview with the poor mother who lost her son. But it's important to keep an accurate perspective of the emotions involved when determining the practicality of these devices.

If you had — or have — a teenage driver, would you want to make them use one of these things? Would they be more or less likely to grow up to be a car enthusiast?

Ultimately, 0/10... would not (and cannot) hoon.

Pictured: Mom and Dad, yesterday

HammerheadFistpunch > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 11:19

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1. if you don't trust your kid with your car...make them pay for insurance and gas on it...that will change behavior not this sneaky crap.

2. no, its spying

3. its an obdII reader...um yoink! and we're hooning.

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 11:21

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1 I hate the lady who said it isn't spying. IT IS SPYING MRS. SNOWDEN!!!

2 When I have kids I will tech them how to hoon properly so they don't crash.

3 If this was installed in my car I would drive on the highway and throw it out of the freaking car.

4 Another reason to buy cars without computers.

Joe_Limon > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 11:27

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awee I want that setup on my car. That way I can keep track of my hoonage and make sure I get my daily fill :)

Brian Silvestro > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic 07/03/2014 at 11:30

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Classic cars only

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > HammerheadFistpunch 07/03/2014 at 11:31

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Yup any kid with half a brain and some car knowledge will just yank it out. An really trusting you kids WILL make them behave more responsibly. Telling your teen they are just children and you don't trust them will make them rebel. Thrust me I know was a young rebellious f*ck just a few years ago.

PRBot II > Joe_Limon 07/03/2014 at 11:31

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That's funny as hell right there!

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Brian Silvestro 07/03/2014 at 11:31

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VW beetles and Datsun 240z's are looking better by the minute!!!

promoted by the color red > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 11:32

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OBD-1, MOTHERFUCKERS.

HammerheadFistpunch > Joe_Limon 07/03/2014 at 11:32

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but thats $15-20 less for gas money. That would get me...let me do the math here...um...like 40 more miles!

Tony Montana > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 11:35

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I'd like to go ahead and point out that these devices are absolutely fucking useless because there is a reasonable excuse for every one of these things.

Speeding: Just about everybody does this. Parents speed. Teens speed. Teens speed with their parents in the car. Hell, my parents taught me all about how much you can speed and where to speed more or less.

Hard braking: There are so many reasons to brake hard, and even if you don't have a legitimate reason, it's easy to come up with one. People pulling out right in front of you, cutting you off, a deer, a kid runs into the road...

Hard acceleration: Turning onto a road that has a high speed limit. Or merging.

Of course, there doesn't seem to be a lot of definition to what "hard acceleration" is. In some cars, 0-60 in ten seconds is hard acceleration. In others, it's a non-event. Since these devices have both GPS and access to the OBDII port, is hard acceleration going to be determined by the GPS, and therefore the same for all cars, or by the throttle position?

The worst part of this, however, is parents being able to see every single place their kids go. Not cool. The best part of having a car... is them not knowing that.

HammerheadFistpunch > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 07/03/2014 at 11:35

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The application of trusting principles will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior

Brian Silvestro > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic 07/03/2014 at 11:37

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The real question is why haven't you purchased either yet

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > Brian Silvestro 07/03/2014 at 11:39

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I am poor and I don't know man I just don't. *sobs uncontrollably*

twochevrons > Vince-The Roadside Mechanic 07/03/2014 at 11:42

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On the second point, that's exactly what my Dad did for me. As soon as I had the basics down, he took me out on some twisty back roads, and started teaching me on how to drive a slow car quickly. Later on, we'd take two cars down a gravel road, and he'd challenge me to keep up with him.

I learned a lot about car control that way (and also an awful lot about what not to do). I'd like to think that I'm a better driver as a result.

twochevrons > promoted by the color red 07/03/2014 at 11:44

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Better still, no computers at all!

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > twochevrons 07/03/2014 at 11:47

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LOL your Dad is awesome.

PRBot II > Tony Montana 07/03/2014 at 11:52

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I'd guess opening the throttle all the way would set off the "hard acceleration" alert. But you make a good point, because flooring it in a Camaro SS isn't quite the same thing as flooring it in a Metro.

Absolutely fucking useless indeed.

Tony Montana > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 12:10

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Yeah. There are a number of cars, including mine, where pulling out onto a road where the speed limit is 45 or 55 requires gunning it. Of course, the makers of these devices (and CR apparently) want parents to believe that hard acceleration is dangerous, but in the vast majority of cars on a good road in good weather, it just isn't.

And of course, the video completely neglects to mention the circumstances of the crash. It's nice and all that they found someone whose kid died in an accident... but it could have been because of any number of factors more plausible than stopping too quickly.

5-Speed Gangsta > PRBot II 07/03/2014 at 14:22

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Why wouldn't you just pull it out? If any of you here want to fuel this madness, invent one with some sort of locking mechanism so that the teenager can't just take it out and drive however they want.

Also, I only have my permit so I can't drive alone yet, but I speed with my parents in the car, and accelerate hard too. I don't see why parents don't insist on teaching their children to be better drivers to lower the risk of injury, rather than forcing set speed limits and tracking fun driving. Trust me, when I leave a location 30 minutes away and I'm home in 20, they're going to know how I got home so quickly. There is no need to track that.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > PRBot II 07/05/2014 at 19:31

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I'll be in the minority on this, but I can see a very great use for this technology for all of us - what if our kids......don't care about driving? Or better still, what if they care about driving, but don't want to put in the time and effort to learn how to drive safely? You better believe I'd be putting that on my own car if I couldn't trust my kid. I might even put it on theirs. If they can show me they can drive safely and are prepared to handle snow and rain and whatnot, then I wouldn't bother due to it being a waste of money. Their cellphones will have a GPS anyways.

What I WILL get for them is some sort of app to link their car to their phones. In the event of an accident, if their car doesn't do it automatically then their phone can alert authorities to an accident. Which is actually far more likely to be of use to any parent than a "How fast is my child going?" stalking device.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > Brian Silvestro 07/05/2014 at 19:31

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Until they get in an accident.

Brian Silvestro > themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles 07/05/2014 at 19:40

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Can't argue there. You know, because I'll be dead.

themanwithsauce - has as many vehicles as job titles > HammerheadFistpunch 07/05/2014 at 19:42

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Unless they're ignorant about cars in which case, they're not likely to know until you show them. Seriously, take an OBD scanner and show how it works to a non-car person. They will think you use black magic.