Notes on my first day as a pizza delivery boy.

"Your boy, BJR" (jerseyshoreben) 05/10/2014 at 17:32 • Filed to: bappa-di-boopi

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Well it's begun. I am now part of the proud elite they call pizza delivery.

Some things I took away from my first day.

#1- "30 minutes or less" is no longer a thing. Apparently some of the less mature delivery boys used that as an excuse to speed. However, I don't plan on taking longer than 30 minutes with ANY delivery.

#2- People FUCKING TRUST YOU. I was invited inside 3 houses today because I was searing a pizza t-shirt. I guess they assume that only the most trustworthy of folk are made Delivery Boys, this is not true. To get the job, I walked in and asked about the sign in the window. 2 questions later (does the night shift work for you and do you want the job) I was an employee.

#3- FREE MOTHERFUCKING PIZZA. ALL I CAN EAT.

#4- One of my lady co-workers has the 3rd nicest booty I've seen in person. I then found out she WAS FOURTEEN WHAT THE FUCK!

#5- I. GET. FREE. PIZZA.

#6- Pizza is like the 4th greatest thing ever. I already knew this, but I didn't know that one day I'd be working a job where I GOT FREE GODDAMN PIZZA.

Blondude > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:36

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You plan on making an old Hilux into a Pizza Planet truck for deliveries, right?

Your boy, BJR > Blondude 05/10/2014 at 17:37

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NAH. I'd rather get a Modinal and run around yelling BOPPA-DI-BOOPI! I HAVE-A THE PIZZA PIE-A!

Diesel > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:38

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Fourteen is the new sixteen.

Brian Silvestro > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:38

2

This is a great post.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:43

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It's going to destroy your car, btw.

Also, a 14 year old? Ugh what happened to child labor laws, oh and if you don't mind,

Your boy, BJR > Diesel 05/10/2014 at 17:45

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And sixteen is the age of consent in NJ! Woohoo! (no, but like seriously, turned 14 ON MONDAY. I thought she was like…….at minimum 17)

Your boy, BJR > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/10/2014 at 17:46

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Well, I only have my car until august YOLO

Your boy, BJR > Brian Silvestro 05/10/2014 at 17:46

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Why thank you, Minister.

Diesel > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/10/2014 at 17:48

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Ugh, I had someone say some shit to me yesterday for telling a kid to pull her pants up. First off, who takes a kid to a fucking bar. Secondly, fuck you, I don't think a creep would ask a kid to pull their pants up. Thirdly, fuck you again. I had to leave, I was so infuriated I think I would've hurt someone had I stayed and drank.

I went carting before that and was in such a good mood, too. I hate people.

Brian Silvestro > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:48

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*blesses post*

Diesel > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:50

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It's hard to tell age differences, my own personal floor is 21. Anything less is just so dumb, I can't have a conversation. There's a hot 16 year old waitress at my regular hangout and she gets hit on by everyone. It's hilarious for me because she is lesbian, she just uses it to get mad tips.

Your boy, BJR > Brian Silvestro 05/10/2014 at 17:50

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MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE NOT THAT KIND OF MINISTER! Minister of Ams, DUUUUUUH

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:50

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Sir, stop trying to avoid the question

Brian Silvestro > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:51

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*looks at arms*

I'm lost.

Your boy, BJR > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/10/2014 at 17:54

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*Runs, spin kicks cops outside, dead sprints away*

Your boy, BJR > Brian Silvestro 05/10/2014 at 17:57

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Here's a map.

MPA > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:58

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I used to deliver pizza back in the day. The first place was Domino's, when they used to have the 30 minutes or $3 off thing. At the time it paid minimum wage ($4.25/hr) + tips + the federal mileage rate, which was 25 cents a mile - on a busy night you could make $25 just in the mileage.

I had a '81 Accord hatch at the time, and wore out a new set of brakes in one week - I didn't know you had to be easy on them when newly installed. But other than that, it didn't destroy my car.

The next Domino's I worked at had a much worse pay thing - it was minimum wage + 25 cents per delivery and tips. I didn't stay there long.

And sadly, I did not experience any of the wonderful things they show pizza delivery guys experience in porn. No hot naked women answering the door and giving blowjobs instead of tips, no wild orgies. Thankfully I didn't see those porn videos at the time - this was pre-internets lol.

Brian Silvestro > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:58

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Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 17:58

3

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 18:00

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Good luck

Your boy, BJR > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/10/2014 at 18:02

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Plot twist- I'm Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Your boy, BJR > MPA 05/10/2014 at 18:03

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The clerk from the boutique across the street came in for lunch. she was…..gifted…..but anyway, she totes gave me the sex eyes. Imma hit dat someday.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 18:06

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Your boy, BJR > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/10/2014 at 18:08

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JK I'M IVAN DRAGO LOL!

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 18:10

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Then this will be fun.

alexotics > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 18:22

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I delivered za for 3 years in university. It couldn't have asked for a better job. I got to drive the twisty north shore mountain roads all night long, eat a lot of great Italian food, made a ton of money in tips, wage, and gas money, and even dated one of the girls working the front. Just awesome. Also learned to cook as a bonus, as during the slow times I was a chef in the kitchen.

A trick to get larger tips: When you have to give the customer back change, let's say the change back is $16.50 and they haven't mentioned a tip, just say a random number like "Is $10 back okay?" and usually they just say yes in a bout of confusion. Sneaky? Yeah. I also worked in a high end of town haha

jkm7680 > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 18:34

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What kind of Hoonmobile do you Hoonivery your Hoonzas in?

Your boy, BJR > jkm7680 05/10/2014 at 19:00

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A Hoondai Slamnata.

ly2v8-Brian > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 19:25

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FREE PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MonkeePuzzle > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 19:28

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"pizza boy" was the Fast and Furious' director

Your boy, BJR > ly2v8-Brian 05/10/2014 at 19:31

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FUCKING FREE FUCKING PIZZA!!!! FUCK!!!!!!

Your boy, BJR > MonkeePuzzle 05/10/2014 at 19:32

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Maybe I'll make my own version- The Quick and the Miffed.

deadpedal > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 20:16

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I delivered in school for a couple years. Amazing gig. It was in a college town, I rarely put more than 100 miles on my car. Usually just Thursdays, from 5 to sometimes 4am. Usually I cleared ~250-300.

Plus pizza.

Pro tip...when it rains cats and dogs....don't avoid getting soaked. I'd show up looking like a wet rat, with warm, dry food in a bag for folks. They'd throw the tips at you.

Also beware of the con artist who wants to make change.....

Have fun, make rights, avoid lights and left turns.

wkiernan > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 21:53

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I used to do that! The pizza store supplied the vehicle, a clapped-out wrong-side-drive ex-Post Office DJ Jeep. Watch out for them traffic cops, they'll get you.

Your boy, BJR > wkiernan 05/10/2014 at 22:28

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Dude that's fucking cool. I'm stuck in my Hoondai Slamnata.

Coty > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 22:42

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Is it the 4th best because it's after the 3rd best booty?

Your boy, BJR > Coty 05/10/2014 at 22:46

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LMAO. No. In my oppopinion, burgers, beer, and cajun food come before pizza (beer being #1, but sex is #5 fuck all y'all food take WAY less effort and has a WAY better reward than sex, and booty is probably under #3 of the sex sub-category.

Coty > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 22:48

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I figured it wass

Booty #1

Booty #2

Booty #3

Pizza

Your boy, BJR > Coty 05/10/2014 at 22:51

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Nope.
#1- Beer
#2- Pizza
#3- Sex

Yes, I'm blitzed right now, and yes, that is how I really feel, and yes, dogs are #4 and cars are #5, and that's how I really feel.

Coty > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 22:56

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I'm not old enough to drink.

Your boy, BJR > Coty 05/10/2014 at 23:02

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Well there ya go.

Coty > Your boy, BJR 05/10/2014 at 23:05

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Don't think it's anything I'm interested in anyway.

chickengoat > Your boy, BJR 05/11/2014 at 10:56

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Pic or it didn't happen.

michael bleggi > Your boy, BJR 05/29/2014 at 20:34

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plz keep doing these

Your boy, BJR > michael bleggi 05/29/2014 at 22:16

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Will keep em coming

Your boy, BJR > Your boy, BJR 05/29/2014 at 22:16

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I think i've been putting em under "tales from pizza delivery"

Stef Schrader > Your boy, BJR 05/30/2014 at 00:46

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#1 is a hilarious way to end up accidentally delivering pizzas that are kind of...on one side of the box. Oops.

Protip: do not ask Stef to deliver or retrieve pizzas. I'M GONNA GO HOME VIA SPICEWOOD SPRINGS UND 2222 IN DER LULZCERWAGEN, UNF.

#2 is how porn usually starts, right? I don't really care for the genre, but I'm pretty sure that's how porn often starts.

#3, #5 and #6 hopefully don't end in "I never want to eat pizza again." I fell into this trap in college. Pizza was one of the few options that didn't suck in the dining halls. I didn't want to eat pizza for the next year or so afterwards, arrgh. And I like pizza .

Vary it up a bit. Should help.

Your boy, BJR > Stef Schrader 05/30/2014 at 00:52

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In all fairness, any pizza from outside of NJ sucks, and I gotta say, You'd be surprised at how unlike real life porn is. I had a house full of fresh off the beach and out of the pool sorority girls, always dripping wet and in bikinis (although the fat one [there's always a fat one] wore a t shirt over her bikini) And never once did they order "an extra large sausage" or invite me in for a pool party. Maybe i need a name like J-rod Horsedick

Stef Schrader > Your boy, BJR 05/30/2014 at 01:16

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YES.

You must now introduce yourself as such.

Your boy, BJR > Stef Schrader 05/30/2014 at 01:22

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If this post gets 100 stars, I will legally change my name to J-Rod Horsedick

un-hipster > Your boy, BJR 05/31/2014 at 00:59

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be safe out there! I started out in the food delivery sector myself, good times!