The Future Will Totally Suck

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 05/06/2014 at 23:17 • Filed to: rants, the future

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There !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! saying that we as car enthusiasts are going to be all hunky-dory in the future with programs that will allow us to change up our cars performance on the fly. That all we'll need to do is download a program off of the internet and boom more power on a car that handles better and might also give you a handjob on a lonely night.

But, let me tell you, that's not going to happen. At least not for a long time. Why? Because people are cheapskates and the automakers are even cheaper bastards. This is why cars still come with drum brakes even though we figured out that they're shit over 60 years ago. It's also how we got !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . I'll explain how it actually works for you:

Let's say that your company makes a box with a motor in it. Now this box is made out of sturdy metal and from multiple parts that allow for replacement and serviceability of the motor. Now, after making these for years, you decide to make a new and "improved" version. This new version is going to cost you less to make so that your profit margins increase. So, how are you going to do that?

First, you ditch all of the metal box components and fasteners and you replace them with a two piece plastic box. This new plastic box uses tabs to snap together and the motor is glued in place. This is a lot cheaper to make and you sell a whole shit load of them. This new box with a motor in it has no serviceable parts and when something breaks, the customer must buy a whole new one. But, this doesn't phase you as you do blow off of a Taiwanese hooker's ass, because you're making bank.

So, how does this apply to cars and make you, the gearhead's life fucking miserable?

Just look at this door panel here. Like all modern door panels, it's made out of cardboard like plastic and it's held on by plastic pins. So, you want to upgrade your speakers or fix your window regulator and you remove the panel. What do you hear? A bunch of snapping noises as about half of those little fuckers leave this plane of existence and get reborn as baby diapers. Welcome to the modern world, and trust me, it only gets worse from here.

So, what about all of that nifty whiz-bang software that'll allow you to change up your car's settings by downloading some random dude's program from The Pirate Bay? Welcome to the second level of hell.

Think about how many computer viruses and identity theft that occur on a daily basis. Now, think about that happening to your main mode of transportation that cost you $40K plus interest. Now, the car makers don't want their proprietary software being hacked now, what makes you think that they aren't going to be even more protective down the line? You download your homebrewed shit onto your car and turn it on. Your car connects to the grid and poof goes your warranty. Just like that, your footing the bill when your Mr. Fusion craps out and the dealer is the only place to get one from.

There is also the complete bullshit that you will be able to configure all of your cars parameters on the fly. There are things that can't be changed by pressing the virtual up key on your touch screen, these things include, the vehicle's mass, the chassis' rigidity, your tires, and any of the mechanical and not software operated parts of the car. So, your 6,000 lb lardmobile is still going to be a 6,000 lb lardmobile, but now with kung-fu grip steering feel!

So, call me a pessimist, say I'm just afraid of change, and be afraid to step on my lawn because I'm an old fart who doesn't get the future. But, you're wrong I love new innovations and would be perfectly happy to let the 17 year old text as her car drives her to Starbucks.

I'm not ornery, I'm just a realist.

Burrito de EJ25 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:19

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People who say they're realists make me roll my eyes so hard that I'm capable of jumping through space and time.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Burrito de EJ25 05/06/2014 at 23:21

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Go sit through engineering classes and you'll get it.

Leadbull > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:24

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You'll realize what a bad path of study you've chosen?

Manuél Ferrari > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:26

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Who cares about cars?

The really scary thing about the future is your lead pic.

Terminators WILL happen. It's a matter of when, not if.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Leadbull 05/06/2014 at 23:27

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Pretty much some days.

I should have gone into marketing, that shit's easy.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Manuél Ferrari 05/06/2014 at 23:29

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Just preparing you with the scariest possible and likely future outcome!

Burrito de EJ25 > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:29

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Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Burrito de EJ25 05/06/2014 at 23:30

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Or eat a bag full of the juiciest dicks, whatever, don't care.

Leadbull > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:35

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Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Leadbull 05/06/2014 at 23:38

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Manuél Ferrari > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:41

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Hopefully it doesn't happen until we're dead or at least until we're so old that we don't care.

Forgetful > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/06/2014 at 23:45

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The Transporter > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 01:52

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If this is his intro, then I'm not looking forward to future posts from Damon Lavrinc. His "Gee, ain't technology wonderful?" writing style is 1/3rd of the reason why I don't visit Gizmodo anymore.

TomZ > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 04:17

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Counterpoint(s):

1) What you described there with the motor box, I would argue, is mainly just cost-cutting on materials. In my experience (FSAE), DFMA would make our lives easier by avoiding situations where we grind down an allen key to fit in a tight clearance spot and stupid things like that. Then again, we don't have that many parts that could be made out of plastic anyway.

2) That metal box is possibly overbuilt and way too heavy if it can be replaced with a tabbed plastic part. If you don't want a ridiculous amount of unnecessary weight in your car, you'll have to deal with a bit of plastic.

3) Most metal parts (not fasteners) in a car are custom. Should that break, you'd have to replace the whole part anyway.

4) It doesn't make business sense to make a $10 metal part if a $5 plastic one will do. If every decision was made with backyard repairability in mind, you'd have some very expensive cars.

Other things worth mentioning:

1) Why don't manufacturers list fastener sizes? If I want to replace my rusty bolts, I can't just go off to fastermart and buy a grade 8, 3/8-16 shoulder bolt, because nobody will tell me what size bolt I need! I can only get part numbers.

2) In many cases, you can't buy replacement parts a la carte. For example, I can't go to the dealership and buy just a replacement lower control arm. That said, I don't think this is particularly common problem, and the cost of the assembly may be less than the parts individually, and come pre-assembled.

Old-Busted-Hotness > Manuél Ferrari 05/07/2014 at 06:16

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Yah, but we'll totally be able to like hack them? So instead of killing people they can like give us piggyback rides and make tea for us. Terminators are awesome.

willconltd > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 09:03

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Is it bad that I knew instantly from glancing at the picture that it was an E36, say around 95 door panel? That panel was the first ones from BMW to fully "recyclable." They used really ineffective non-toxic glue. Later door panels have mechanical clips and fasteners to keep the door together along with the glue. The vinyl and leather would also delaminate. Recyclable cars suck, that's all there is to it.

Tom McParland > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 11:22

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Take it easy man...that was a good write-up no need to get personal about it.

CalzoneGolem > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 11:22

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This might be the least insane thing I've ever seen you write.

RyanFrew > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 11:25

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Meh, it all balances out, man. Marketing classes are an absolute breeze. Because of that, everyone and their mom becomes a marketing major. So, graduating with a marketing degree is all fun and games, but securing a good job making anything over even $45k is pretty brutal. Engineering, on the other hand, requires a tough life in school and then a nearly guaranteed job afterwards.

Pick your poison.

Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 11:27

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After the number of times I upgraded my speakers, and replaced blown ones in my '00 Corolla, I'm pretty sure about half of those clips are now missing on that car. Luckily, I don't think my sister-in-law, who now owns the car, will notice. haha

Manuél Ferrari > Old-Busted-Hotness 05/07/2014 at 11:41

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that would be awesome !!

vdub_nut: scooter snob > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 12:00

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I'm getting my BSBA in Management in.... holy shit, three days... and yeah, 30k starting salary is "good". I could literally earn more at sheetz. I regret nothing.

Mattbob > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 12:13

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I know that fucking door panel. Fuck that fucking thing. Mine has broken speaker mounts i still haven't fixed yet too.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Tom McParland 05/07/2014 at 12:38

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Yeah, I was just giving him shit, nothing personal at all.

Tom McParland > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 12:41

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I know...just wanted to drop in before anything got out of hand. #modproblems :)

ly2v8-Brian > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 13:08

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You make good points. Powertrain advances are good. Proliferation of expendable and overcomplicated interior parts are not necessarily good. But if anyone tells you otherwise...

NeedForSwede > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/07/2014 at 17:54

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Articles like this are the reason why I spend 90% of my time on Oppo instead of the alternative.

William Byrd > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/08/2014 at 08:31

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You are ornery. But that's still a great article. :)

I hope you aren't right, but I can certainly see this happening.

Conan > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 05/11/2014 at 23:02

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The future is going to

Some of both sides will be true and it will be a mess just like now.