In a Pinch, Your E30 Can Be Used As a Garden Tractor

"CleverUsername" (CleverUsername) 04/26/2014 at 22:38 • Filed to: None

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Tow hooks are useful when you understeer into the gravel on a racetrack, or when you have a dead bush that needs to be yanked out of your lawn.

Most cars built after 1980 have some kind of tow hook. Usually, they are a loop of cold-rolled steel welded to the front subframe. Unfortunately, the geometry of a tow-truck's winch cable and the angle of your Honda Accord in that ditch means you might as well remove that bumper yourself, before Bubba tears it off as your car ascends the flatbed. Some car companies had the forethought to locate the tow hook in a more useful place at the front or rear of the car, usually hidden among fake intake vents and unused fog lights.

BMW did a great job with the tow hook on the 1988-1991 3-Series, and subsequently, many other models. The tow hook resides in its own little pocket in the trunk wall. When you need it, you pop open a small square on the bumper (with a screwdriver from the on-board tool kit, you heathen) and screw it in.

They you go. It's right up front, properly located as to not damage anything on the car. There's no need to buy a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! unless it's your intention to convince the local high school car club that you track it on the weekends, bro.

But what to you do if you don't track your E30? You can't just drive it daily, waiting for the eventuality of black ice forcing you into a ditch, at which point you can gleefully install the tow hook and wait longingly for the tow-truck driver to give you the fatherly pat on the back that you've been waiting for for decades. No, you have to be proactive. You need to find uses for this solidly constructed piece of German engineering. You need to honor the BMW designer who provided you with this simple, yet heroically strong addition to the car you already love. You need to attach a chain to it and yank a dead bush out of your lawn like loose tooth from an 8 year old's jaw. You don't need to call a landscaper; the landscapers need to call you when they need some real work done. GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Vince-The Roadside Mechanic > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:43

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Awesome.

Goggles Pizzano > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:46

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"Use for landscaping at your own risk."

doodon2whls > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:48

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Achievement unlocked: unusual gardening with automobiles.

Big Bubba Ray > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:49

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Is this your car?? If so, you are a god. This is hilarious.

Logansteno: Bought a VW? > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:52

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I'd be too scared for the chain to snap and trash my windshield.

We did this with an old tree stump in my dad's truck and the chain broke. Almost shattered his back glass.

CleverUsername > Big Bubba Ray 04/26/2014 at 22:52

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Technically, this is my wife's car. My car is a different Bavarian.

Big Bubba Ray > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 22:55

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My Lord, that is a beautiful car. You've got quite a stable there, my friend!

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 23:13

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Hey, I'm surprised I haven't run into you yet. I know you live in MD. Not stalking, just read the plate and freaked out the first time I read the review of your car. Anyway, I own a 71 2k2 and have gone to a few C&Cs (Bertonsville and HV) and Bimmerfest East. For some reason I thought I would run into you somewhere.

Luken10 > CleverUsername 04/26/2014 at 23:56

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I had a neighbor who tried this method. It was much larger than the plant you uprooted. He kept going back and forth trying to ease it out until it finally gave way. It shot out of the ground and smashed his rear bumper pretty badly.

At first I thought it was a great idea. "Who wants to dig when you can just have your car to do the dirty work!" Once I saw the aftermath I instilled a rule in my head to try and use the right tool for the job from there on out.

cody > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 00:56

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Another reason for me to consider buying this?! http://modesto.craigslist.org/cto/4412255986…

CleverUsername > cody 04/27/2014 at 13:22

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Looks well maintained, even with 330K miles.

thewisedriver01 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:07

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Dont pull too hard, that tow hook is only held in with two bolts

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > Goggles Pizzano 04/27/2014 at 15:26

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This guy took Jeremy's car modification advice a little too seriously

shop-teacher > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:31

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Well done good sir! Enjoyed the write up quite a but too.

segofl > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:34

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I've done that with my Ford E250, but never a BMW. This little pepper sprout is tough.

Forgetnomore > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:38

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I'd like to point out that most cars have this nifty feature. One in the front and one in the rear. They're used for securing the cars during transportation by rail or sea.

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:39

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why no video???

Kaufmania: Mark Webber's Stunt Double > cody 04/27/2014 at 15:41

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dude buy it

Crest > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:41

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Okay I wanna try this. This it would work with my GSXR600?

SamaJama > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 15:45

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My 1990 325i would be upset if she knew I was looking at this...

Tomek G > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 16:39

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I do it all the time, attach line/chain to tow hook and pull shit out

Anderson > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 17:05

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A4 B5 Avants can make good tractors too.

Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 17:55

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Gonna paint it green and yellow and put a durr on it?

Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears > cody 04/27/2014 at 17:57

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NP that thing is sex.

Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears > Crest 04/27/2014 at 17:59

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Lol does your gickser have reverse?

lie2me > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 18:00

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What's even crazier is that some people think they can use their 4-door sports sedan activity coupe as an SUV...

Crest > Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears 04/27/2014 at 18:16

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Nope but hook it to the bike frame, put on full gear and dump the clutch. I'll have the cameras rolling coz i might end up on America's dumbest home videos

Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears > Crest 04/27/2014 at 18:21

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"Hold my beer and watch this!"

Crest > Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears 04/27/2014 at 18:24

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Thats usually how it starts. But I will have full gear on so *fingerscrossed*

CleverUsername > thewisedriver01 04/27/2014 at 18:28

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It's strong enough to pull the car out of a gravel trap, so I imagine a dead bush shouldn't overload it.

Micro-dosing Gawker's Tears > Crest 04/27/2014 at 18:30

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Good luck! Just make sure the cameraman holds the phone in landscape, and doesn't turn the camera away when you do a wheelie backflip into a tree. Or yell I GOT THAT SHIT ON CAMERA ITS GOIN ON YEUTWEB!!!

Chris Clarke > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 18:32

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I've employed a similar technique with the power of Quattro.

gruiz8 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 18:43

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You're in MD?!? I need to see that beast in person.

CleverUsername > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 04/27/2014 at 18:50

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I sometimes try to make it to the Cars & Coffee a the Corner Bakery in Bethesda. I'll do my best to show up Saturday.

CleverUsername > gruiz8 04/27/2014 at 18:51

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Cars & Coffee @ 10327 Westlake Drive in Bethesda On Saturday. You get free coffee if you drive something cool.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 18:59

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Cool, I will plan on being there this Saturday, weather permitting. Should be nice, but who knows. What time would you recommend getting there? I live in Ellicott City, so it will be a 40 min drive. And will I really get free coffee?

gruiz8 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 19:04

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Haha I was already planning on going. I wish I drove something cool, just a 07 Civic EX. Maybe I'll bring my uncle's 71 R/T Challenger or his 81 Z28.

CleverUsername > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 04/27/2014 at 19:13

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Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 19:15

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Will do. See you saturday. I will have the chamonix 71. I'm excited to see your car. Went through your whole build thread and you did some real trick stuff.

CleverUsername > Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 04/27/2014 at 19:20

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8AM. See Jay (the dude moving cones) for a free coffee voucher.

Chuck 2(O=[][]=O)2 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 19:22

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Will do, thanks. I'll probably be wearing a 2002 shirt just to make life easier.

BeauM > Goggles Pizzano 04/27/2014 at 19:40

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I was just going to look for this video, well played Sir.

Gary Yogurt > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 19:40

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My 325e even sounds and revs like a garden tractor.

tmorin > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 20:15

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Glad to see a fellow e30. I'm going to guess with sealed-beam headlights and the small style spoiler, that is a Brilliant Red 1991 325i.

Hardwarewars > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 20:21

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+1 for being from Maryland

Stevo777 > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 21:59

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Bandit > CleverUsername 04/27/2014 at 22:22

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I've used the tow hook on my grandfathers BMW (X5) to pull my truck out of a ditch several times. Those suckers are strong.

theonetruetom > tmorin 04/28/2014 at 05:53

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Or a 318is. Mine's the same color with the same front end, although it's a little banged up from the PO rear-ending someone with a tall bumper.

Shilzy > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 09:30

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Where was the tow hook on the non plastic bumpered e30s?

CleverUsername > Shilzy 04/28/2014 at 09:32

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Not sure.

Cars 'N Coffee > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 10:14

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Everyone gets free coffee....cool car or not. It's how we roll.

ObscureUsername > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 10:19

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Have the same thing on my 05 audi. its pure genius.

CleverUsername > Cars 'N Coffee 04/28/2014 at 10:28

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And there you have it.

klurejr > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 13:36

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Well done sir, well Done I say.

SchwarzeEwigkt > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 13:36

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Is there anything an E30 can't do? Besides be found by me, not falling apart, for a reasonable amount of money?

Voodoo-u > CleverUsername 04/28/2014 at 14:11

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I did something similar to move a couch by myself. Was too heavy to pull to the curb and no one was home but me and my Golf. Toe hook and cargo straps woooooo!

Kiltedpadre > Logansteno: Bought a VW? 04/28/2014 at 20:31

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That's why I'll take a nice 20,000lbs rated tow strap over a chain any day.

skwimjim > CleverUsername 04/29/2014 at 17:53

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I did that to a huge lilac bush in the front yard with my 1969 Chrysler 300 a few years back. Had the neighbors wondering about us. Sadly, it was not captured on camera, but here's a photo of the car.