"Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez" (apidaonline)
04/07/2014 at 00:21 • Filed to: CHEAP SUV
3
14|
"Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez" (apidaonline)
04/07/2014 at 00:21 • Filed to: CHEAP SUV | 3
| 14 |
Welcome to another installment of HUUCBOTW, where everything is made up and the points don't matter! This week, we turn our attention to the suit-wearing bluetooth-using douchebag special: the luxury SUV!
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*This is an article from
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, written by our resident Luxotruck connoisseur and
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contributor Brian Leon. If you'd like to see more of these types of articles, check us out
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*
The story's original article can be found
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I apologize if I offended any luxury SUV owners in the introduction. Everyone knows luxury SUVs aren't driven exclusively by douchebags. They're also driven by rich housewives and overpaid athletes.
If anyone from outside of the US could pick one type of vehicle to signify our great nation, it would be a big ol' pickup truck. But if they could pick two vehicles, the other would be a luxury SUV. More space and more dinosaur juice has become all but synonymous with our great nation, and our two contenders this week exemplify that mantra perfectly! Well, except for the fact that they're made by British and German companies, but who's counting?
Luckily, thanks to the wonders of exponential depreciation of luxury vehicles, these two butt-hauling beauties can be had for less than $10K! Unluckily, the inevitable weekly repair bills will cost you more than Donald Trump pays his hairstylist to keep him looking young and beautiful.
So grab your briefcase, your spoiled kids, and/or your latest contract from the Miami Heat and pick your favorite luxury SUV!
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2004 Porsche Cayenne S - $9,995
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BLASPHEMY! SACRILEGE! SWEET BRAND-WHORING MOTHER OF DEUTSCHLAND! Now that I've gotten all of my enthusiast-required Cayenne hate out of the way right off the bat, I can tell you a little bit about Porsche's first SUV.
The Cayenne was introduced in 2004, much to the chagrin of Porsche brand purists. Despite the fact that it was their first foray into SUV territory and was therefore unproven, the Cayenne sold like hotcakes to people who wanted an SUV but also wanted to say very smugly to inferior scum that they drive a Porshhhhh.
The Cayenne S was pushed along by a 340 hp and 310 lb-ft V8, getting it to 60 in 7.1 ticks of the clock. Being a Porsche from the early 2000s, it was more complicated and expensive to fix than that 100 year old grand piano in your ballroom. I believe replacing the spark plugs went as follows: 1) Open hood. 2) Remove engine. 3) Do the hokey pokey. 4) Have a bit of bratwurst and sauerkraut. 5) Turn yourself around. 6) ??? 7) Replace engine.
But if you wanted to drive a Porshhhh but you couldn't live without the ability to run over basically anything you please, then the Cayenne was what it's all about. (Wink wink).
To see the Cars.com ad for this car, click !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!
Check out more Porsche Cayenne listings on Ebay Motors here!
2004 Land Rover Range Rover HSE - $9,999
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The Land Rover Red Rover Red Rover Send Range Rover Right Over has long been regarded as the pinnacle of luxury SUVs. Each new model is supremely comfortable, stylish, incredibly capable off road. Unsurprisingly, however, the vast majority of Range Rovers have never seen unpaved terrain, except for that one time their owners went up to the wine country in Northern California. It's truly wonderful up there, you know.
However, despite their incredible capability and popularity, Range Rovers are all afflicted with one fatal flaw: they're British made. If the Brits can't even be trusted to keep a bunch of rowdy colonists under control, then how are they supposed to build a reliable SUV? The Rove's plush seats and well-equipped interior will shroud you in luxury... that is, of course, until you sneeze and every electronic gizmo ceases to function as you plow along at 90 on the New Jersey Turnpike.
The Range Rover HSE is motivated by a 4.2 L BMW V8 which it shared with the 7 series of the same time period. It came equipped with a 5-speed automatic, and only an automatic, because shifting gears by hand should be left to the uncultured swine. I would quote power figures but frankly, they're irrelevant. The most they're ever used for is getting up to well above the legal speed limit in the left lane in a reasonable amount of time.
To see the Cars.com ad for this car, click !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!
Check out more Range Rover listings on Ebay Motors here!
Which upper crust utility vehicle would you choose? Let us know in the poll below!
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Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 00:29 |
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I was about to go full stupid and choose the Porsche, but with 166k miles that may be a bit to stupid... Range Rover it is.
HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 00:48 |
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this is the Pontiac Aztec of steering wheels.
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Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
> HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles
04/07/2014 at 00:59 |
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I actually like it. Come to think of it, I like the Aztec too.
Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW.
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 01:26 |
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I rather have an Unreliable Range Rover than any other SUV. That thing is as good as an SUV can be.
*Jeremy Clarkson.
M54B30
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 03:28 |
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Isn't the range rover a 4.4L V8?
Also, I didn't realize these were so cheap now
TheBloody, Oppositelock lives on in our shitposts.
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 05:49 |
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Land Rover, I can at least fix that one myself.
jkm7680
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 06:26 |
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Hmmmm, if the Cayenne had three pedals, I would go for it. That was an option on the higher spec models.
Range Rover it is. I can put Homie G wheels on it, and pretend to be a Rapper, Hehe.
shop-teacher
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 07:16 |
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Range Rover. At least its an attractive vehicle to burn all my money in.
Trevor Mohr
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 08:59 |
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Range Rover all the way. As much as I like the Cayenne, the mileage is a bit steep.
OneHeadLight
> HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles
04/07/2014 at 11:12 |
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Under no circumstances invest in an out of warranty RR. And the porch suffers from engine coolant tubes that disintegrate when they come in contact with ....engine coolant. Given a choice between crap and shit, I'm having a tough time deciding.
Stef Schrader
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/07/2014 at 14:53 |
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This one this one this one this one THIS ONE.
pfftballer
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/09/2014 at 22:03 |
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I soooooooooooooooooo want to buy a Cayenne S. I need a four wheel drive and there are shitloads of these things in my price range. Please, talk me out of it!!!!!!!!
Ian McDowell
> Freddy "Tavarish" Hernandez
04/10/2014 at 11:25 |
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a 4.2 is a jaguar AJv8 . the BMW unit is a 4.4l although the AJV8 comes in a 4.4 as well.
i think the HSE had the supercharged version good for 400hp.
rich people don't tkae care of their cars because they just buy new ones. That is why all super cheap and slightly old used luxury cars are unreliable. Not to mention they have more to go wrong.
its like criticizing a car for having electric window issues when the car you are comparing it to is more reliable because it has manual windows.
Well if we want reliability why don't we all ride around in wagons?
SamfaKenessal
> Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis
04/12/2014 at 22:54 |
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You spelled Porsh wrong.