Someone is stealing food from me at work

"MooseKnuckles" (andyschenk)
04/02/2014 at 14:55 • Filed to: None

I keep a box of Cliff bars on my desk behind one of my monitors at work. I occasionally come to the end of the box sooner than expected but figured I just lost track. But at this point (it's seemingly been going on for 6 months I'd wager) I was either going insane forgetting about eating them, or someone was helping themselves. So with this current box I kept track with the tried and true tally mark count on a post-it-note. Sure enough in the box of 12 ($25-30 depending if there is a sale) 3 were taken, so $7.50 worth, not bank breaking amounts, but with how long it's been going on this could be around $100 or more. I once came into work and found the box empty, now why in the hell would I leave an empty box on my desk if I had finished it. Plus it's mine, in my personal office, on my personal desk, so fuck off.

I'm going to assume it is the cleaning staff at night. If I bring it up with my boss informally it's still going to be a silly big deal. So it's easier to just retaliate. Sure I could just move them to a lockable drawer, but FFS that shouldn't be necessary.
So how do I retaliate?
I might just leave a semi-threatening but humourous note in the box to start. Something like "Steal my food and I'll kill your family ;)", I'll do better than that, but the winky face is key, no one ever knows how to interpret a winky face.
Note ideas?

DISCUSSION (44)

spanfucker retire bitch > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 14:59

Laxatives.

That is all.

Merkin Muffley > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 14:59

Open one VERY carefully. Smear dog shit on the bar. Re-seal it. Make a subtle mark on the packaging so you know which one it is. The theft will only happen one more time, guaranteed.

Audi-os, amigos > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 14:59

Can you leave your webcam on your computer on to record while the monitor is off? Run that shit overnight, get your definitive answer, AND have a leverage tool to make that shit stop immediately and live your life in peace.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:00

Get a syringe, some of the hottest chili you can find, boil said chili in water and make some serious hot shit.. put hot shit in syringe, inject said stuff into bars, place on desk. Have another box of Cliff bars for yourself.. Let the fun begin :)

Note: I've done this myself, never had a problem with stuff like this after that.

CalzoneGolem > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:00

Forget the note. Just stick some rat traps in an empty box.

JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7 > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:00

Ain't nobody messes with Cliff Bars that aren't theirs. Here's my plan:

1. Leave video camera on, pointing above box of Cliff Bars

2. Figure out who it is

3. Find out location of home

4. Kill family

Unless the Cliff Bars are Asparagus or something. Then they are doing you a favor.

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:00

make a special one with an ex-lax bar. Problem solved and you get the satisfaction of knowing you gave someone a shitty day.

/badum tsch

Blue 300 > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:01

Put a note right below the top CLIFF bar that says, "Smile, you're on my hidden camera. Stealing food is the biggest office cliche you moron. Now leave $100 on this desk for the past bars you stole and I won't email this video to the rest of the office."

MooseKnuckles > Merkin Muffley
04/02/2014 at 15:02

I thought about the poop option, but that still has to sit on my desk lol

bob and john > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:02

get those hardibro gummy bear and left those out

OPPOsaurus WRX > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:02

Thats going to be tough to do. The kill your family thing might not go over well. My first thought was taint the food with laxatives but thats hard to do with a wrapped bar and it would probably be noticeable. Maybe get a dirty hooker to rub the bars all over her infected cooch and reseal the bag?

extraspecialbitter > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:03

What will you do if it's your boss?

Merkin Muffley > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:03

If you open and re-seal it carefully enough, you should probably be ok.

vdub_nut: scooter snob > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:04

Ask your shadiest friend to acquire some hash oil, inject it with a turkey marinating syringe. Get them high as shit while at work.

Merkin Muffley > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:04

alternately, you could go with jizz.

Sn210 > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:04

1. Lace bars with drugs

2. "Random" drug test at work

3. Problem solved

MooseKnuckles > Audi-os, amigos
04/02/2014 at 15:04

Some times not knowing who it is, is better. If I leave a note they know I know, and maybe even know who they are doing it. So they could be temporarily worried I say something.
But I don't care who it is, I think it is ridiculous and as long as it stops then whatever.
*note, it may be ridiculous, but I will kill their children, or family guinea pig at the least.

MooseKnuckles > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
04/02/2014 at 15:05

That or laxative might be step 2 after the note, if the note doesnt solve the problem

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:05

Lol, print out a bill for the amount of cliff bars they've been eating and leave it on top of the box.

nafsucof > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:05

bear trap. That's all

CalzoneGolem > You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much
04/02/2014 at 15:06

The problem is making the thief draw a correlation with the bar and the punishment. They won't be able to because it will take so long to kick in.

CalzoneGolem > spanfucker retire bitch
04/02/2014 at 15:07

No correlation with the bar and the punishment.

Hot sauce it.

MooseKnuckles > CalzoneGolem
04/02/2014 at 15:07

that's pretty solid, though if is the cleaning staff, they may say they were throwing out an empty box and got booby-trapped, resulting in my word against theirs, except me being the one who weaponized box lol and them being the victim with broken fingers.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:07

I think laxatives would be a bit much, that could make someone REALLY ill... Friggin' hot stuff won't hurt anyone more than a few minutes. But you do what you like :)

MooseKnuckles > JayZAyEighty thinks C4+3=C7
04/02/2014 at 15:08

You should write a book "4 steps to effectively killing your co-worker" lol

MooseKnuckles > Blue 300
04/02/2014 at 15:10

boom, that might be the option

deekster_caddy > Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh
04/02/2014 at 15:10

I know somebody who got tricked by ex-lax brownies and ended up in the hospital. Could have been a lawsuit.

CalzoneGolem > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:11

Then I'd go with the hot sauce idea/gross bar idea. Laxatives won't work to deter theft.

MooseKnuckles > extraspecialbitter
04/02/2014 at 15:11

I doubt it, he's 350lb+ and knows i eat healthy food, nothing i have is appealing to him. though Cliff bars are the shit.

deekster_caddy > Blue 300
04/02/2014 at 15:11

You don't even need a camera for this to work very well!

KMarino > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:13

Some one took some girl scout cookies off of my boss's desk. She put up a wanted sign with a picture of the cookie monster. No one fessed up, but at least it made a point and was funny.

RazoE > KMarino
04/02/2014 at 15:16

It was El_Uly!!

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:18

Kinja'd!!!

You know what must be done.

Leadbull > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:19

When I'm not going to class, I work as a janitor. Cleaning staff have unwritten rules as to what random food you do and don't have rights to.

Unlabeled soda cans in the office fridge are fair game.

Altoids or similar candies are fair game.

If you take an Altoid or similar candy, you must stop at one, maybe two pieces. Also, don't take the last one.

If no one brings home leftover bread/cake, or does not label it, it's fair game.

Don't take crap off of people's desks unless it's gum or candy. If it is, abide by rules number 2 and 3.

These unwritten rules were created by me. I have no idea what standards my coworkers live by (probably low ones...).

These rules are now written.

As you can see, the night staffer who took your cliff bars was in violation of the unwritten rules. This warrants revenge.

The best revenge would be to take a cliff bar, break it up into pieces too large to vacuum, leave it in an open area, and put a sticky note on an empty cliff bar box reading:

"You just picked up the last cliff bar with your bare hands. Eat anymore of my cliff bars, and you will be picking them up off the piss-covered bathroom floor with your bare hands. Have a nice day."

extraspecialbitter > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:20

Hey, maybe he thinks adding a Clif bar to his meals consisting of nothing but chocolate covered mac & cheese with a 2-liter Diet Coke is the solution for his weight problem.

deadpedal > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:28

Get better deals, you're overpaying for the Clifness...Then lock them up. Go shopping for a bunch of really foul cheap food. Tins of nasty salted fishes, potted meat, whatever...have fun though, but buy stuff with a endless shelf life. Then put it all in the box behind your monitor and label it "Food for thieves, savages and the unwashed."

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > CalzoneGolem
04/02/2014 at 15:33

doctor one up with Flaming Ass Hot Sauce? Or whatever the hottest available product at your local grocer's is. Though I think they would get the idea if they suddenly developed diarrhea, even if it was a few hours later.

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > MooseKnuckles
04/02/2014 at 15:37

Stick the cliff bar on the rat trap as bait.