The Ultimate Guide to Car Buying (April Fools Post)

"Tom McParland" (tommcparland)
04/01/2014 at 09:26 • Filed to: car buying, april fools, articles

Spring is here; the weather is warming up and you probably have a tax return burning a hole in your pocket. It is time to go new car shopping. Now some people will tell you that car shopping is a difficult process. They will say the choices are overwhelming and you are bound to get ripped off at the dealerships. These people are stuck in the past. Times have changed. This is the new age of vehicle purchasing, just ask that Tony Stark guy who makes those electric cars. I'm going to tell you how to buy a car...and do it right. I'm a professional and while I normally charge for this advice, I'm feeling generous so you get it for free.

But I already have a car, and it's paid off-

As soon as a car is paid-off things start to break. Car payments are much more predictable than repairs. And do you really want to be seen driving an "old" car? New cars are the only way to go and after a car is not really "new" anymore, it is time for another one. The only appropriate reason for buying an "old" car is either a classic muscle car or some type of vintage exotic.

What car should I choose?

The most important aspect of your next car is the image it projects. All those "other" publications will tell you get something that meets your needs in terms of: fuel-economy, features, safety, and reliability. You know who shops for cars like that? Sheep...you aren't a sheep! You are a free thinker, you are independent. Your car directly impacts how other people perceive you. Think about those Camry drivers; actually don't, you will fall asleep. But think about the type of person you are. Do you want to be thought of as an outdoorsy type? Then you need a Range Rover, because how else are you going to visit your friend that has a dirt driveway? !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

How much should I spend?

Remember, the more expensive the car the better the value. You are paying for the same labor to assemble a 20k car as you would for a 90k car, so you should get the most for your money. Also consider resale value, people love fancy luxury cars so when it comes time to trade it in you want a vehicle that holds its value, something along the lines of a BMW 7-series or if you prefer 2 doors a Mercedes CL class. Don't worry about budget, car dealers will make sure they get you a car that you can afford. There are 96 month loans, and it might require a hefty down-payment but all that matters is you look good.

What about all those dealership horror stories?

First of all, no one calls themselves a "car dealer" anymore...they are a "product specialist." The days of slick suits, and shady deals are gone. Buying a car is just like buying an iPad. You go into the dealership, pick out what you want, they give you a price, and you drive home. But don't forget about all those extras like warranties, pin striping, and VIN etching. All of these things are crucial for peace of mind and the more you spend on a car the more important you are. You are important right?

So, who are you going to listen to Consumer Reports? Think about that... "reports" you don't write reports; you go on adventures. This is Jalopnik...this is "Drive Free or Die".. !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

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My name is Tom and I run !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! I am a professional car-buying consultant, which means people pay me to help them select the right car (NO YOU CAN'T HAVE A PRIUS) and negotiate with the dealerships to get them the best price. If you have any other questions or suggestions for future posts about the car-buying process please let me know. You can find some of my other car-buying articles !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

You can also find me !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

DISCUSSION (14)

IDROVEAPICKUPTRUCK > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 09:40

The first one today I've actually enjoyed.

The Compromiser > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 09:54

Excellent Sir. Well Written. I am indeed trading in my minivan this very day for a Ferrari. And I'm NOT paying for the fire extinguisher. Im sure the kids and the wife will understand that it's not about space, it's about arriving to that space awesome!

Makoyouidiot > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 10:24

This is gold.

JACU - I've got bonifides. > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 14:05

I have seen the light!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 16:23

You really spent some time on this.

Fred (FreddsterExprs) > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 16:27

Also consider resale value, people love fancy luxury cars so when it comes time to trade it in you want a vehicle that holds its value, something along the lines of a BMW 7-series or if you prefer 2 doors a Mercedes CL class

Best joke I read today. Great write-up.

Tom McParland > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com
04/01/2014 at 16:27

About an hour...LOL

Soloburrito > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 16:51

"But don't forget about all those extras like warranties, pin striping, and VIN etching."

Don't forget that TrueCoat.

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TruCoat
Fargo — MOVIECLIPS.com

revrseat70 > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 17:00

Kinja'd!!!

Don't forget to mention proper break-in procedures on new German cars!

Rico > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 19:13

I'm very interested in a vehicle, albeit a used one (2008 Acura TL Type S) which I know you don't typically deal with. Any way you could make an exception for a fellow Jalop?

Tom McParland > Rico
04/01/2014 at 19:29

I love those cars! And I deal with used just normally avoid stuff under 15k. What can I do for you?

Rico > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 19:40

I'll draft an email to you tonight with a link and maybe you can provide me with some guidance, I'm in class right now so I need a little time to hash out my questions. I actually would like to hire you if I go through with this, if possible. I've already located the car and the dealership, while in PA, is luckily only a little over an hour from the NYC.

My email is similar to my Oppo username so you'll know it when you see it!

Tom McParland > Rico
04/01/2014 at 20:21

Sounds good man

Rico > Tom McParland
04/01/2014 at 22:38

Email sent