People living up to their vehicular stereotype

"Textured Soy Protein" (texturedsoyprotein)
03/24/2014 at 11:04 • Filed to: None

Yesterday on my way home from errands, a white bro'd out lifted Hummer H2 with matte black wheels very similar to this pic, pulled up behind me. I said to myself, "dude nice bro truck bro," and the H2 ended up at my apartment complex. Apparently he's my neighbor.

As I was unloading my shopping bags, who gets out from this lifted H2? This sorta agitated bro (or maybe he was just trying to look tough?) hops out of his bro-mobile and starts pacing around for a bit. He definitely hopped down because of the ridiculously large wheels/tires and suspension lift, and because he wasn't very tall, like maybe 5'8". So he hops down, then paces around with his chest puffed out, sort of arms hanging out while also trying to flex. He was of course wearing jeans with a bunch of stitching all over them like this:

Sort of like the kind that you can get at Kohl's 5 years after they were "in style" (which one could make a good argument in favor of that being "never") for low low prices that you need a calculator to figure out because there's the price on the tag, then a different price on the sign on the shelf, and then the sale price decoder sign with a list of "if original price is $__ then sale price is $__" in super small font. Just tell me the price!

His girlfriend was kinda hot, in a too much makeup but you can tell she works out a lot sort of way. Her jeans also had obnoxious stitching.

At this point I think it's safe to assume that anyone who still has an H2, especially a bro'd up one, lives up to the stereotype. And they're getting a "bargain" on it just like their jeans from Kohl's.

DISCUSSION (26)

jkm7680 > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:08

Hahaha, everybody knows a guy like that.

Laird Andrew Neby Bradleigh > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:11

You should totes save that girl from him, like totes bro. Girls don't need no pant's with way to much stitches.. 'cause you know.. bitc.. Nah.. I' not going there :)

Anywho, why would anyone wear pants like that?

HammerheadFistpunch > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:11

Kinja'd!!!

Star on the hub, douche behind the wheel. Fact.

Nibbles > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:16

Was tooling around town yesterday, going from Best Buy to Best Buy in order to complete my XBone purchase, when we were inundated with bro trucks. At least 35-40 of 'em, all clad in some sort of awful paint and matte black wheels, either lifted sky high or slammed to the ground. Apparently there's an old Albertsons nearby where they had a meet. This empty parking lot is right next to a Dazbog. Maybe I'll start a cars and coffee there

Also XBone is awesome.

Deven > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:19

No, see it's because of the Hummer that he has those bargain bin jeans. I mean at 5 gallons to the mile, I'm surprised he has an apartment to live in.

Paullubbock > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:21

I was once offered a similar white, super-ultra-mega bro'ed out hummer like this for sale from a friend of a friend because they had heard I was looking for a new vehicle and apparently they were having money problems. I wanted to be nice but I'm sure the shock in my face at the cartoon character mobile told them I wasn't interested.

Deven > Deven
03/24/2014 at 11:24

Also why do all white hummers regardless of the model have those stupid Rockstar wheels. Don't get me wrong, on certain trucks and in a certain size they look great, but at 20 or 22" on a white box they look terrible.

dogisbadob > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:32

I live up to my vehicular stereotype: I'm boring haha

Frank Grimes > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 11:36

I had to check to make sure I didnt write this, it reminds me of things I write.

Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower > Nibbles
03/24/2014 at 11:36

On a completely unrelated note to the OP, what's your gamer tag? Haha.

Flat Six > HammerheadFistpunch
03/24/2014 at 11:37

Fact REFUTED: a friend of mine has an Expedition with Texas star rims like that, but he is an Indian-American and is the farthest thing possible from being a douche, so it is sort of ironic-awesome.

HammerheadFistpunch > Flat Six
03/24/2014 at 11:38

There are exceptions to every rule, but mostly fact remains.

Nibbles > Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower
03/24/2014 at 11:43

My tag is IT Jerk. I don't have Fiveza yet, but soon. Soon.

The wife finally agreed to get one after running a couple laps around Prague in a Boss 302.

Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower > Nibbles
03/24/2014 at 11:46

Psh. Women. What games do you have? I have Fiveza, Titanfall, RYSE which is overrated, Dead Rising, Battlefield 4, and Need For Speed.

CPT Speedbump > Nibbles
03/24/2014 at 11:50

Funny you bring up Best Buy, the manager at my loacl Best Buy has a lifted H2, and is a bit of a 'bro', but I think it's more height compensation in his case

Nibbles > Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower
03/24/2014 at 11:52

I've got Titanfall and Rayman Legends :)

How overrated is RYSE? The wife is quite interested in that one

Timmy - MINI With a Big Blower > Nibbles
03/24/2014 at 11:56

I just think it was over-hyped. It was fun, but it's just extremely repetitive. She might enjoy it. Who knows. It's just my personal opinion. The gladiator stuff is fun though if you have friends playing with you. I'll give you an add and shoot you a message in a few minutes.

yamahog > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 12:27

I drive a lifted XJ with mud tires and a cherry bomb, and yes I am indeed half Appalachian-American.

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 12:30

I friend of mine has a white H2 (luckily its stock) but it seriously does not fit her personality. She's a total hippy, the exact opposite of douchey, and I would probably expect her to drive a Subaru or something along those lines. I asked her why on earth she got an H2, she said she wanted a cool SUV that she could go camping in, but had already owned a few Jeeps and wanted something different... Fair enough, I guess.

N/A POWAAAHH > Textured Soy Protein
03/24/2014 at 12:56

My buddy's neighbour drives a white h2 on 30" Dubs, and he's probably 40-50 years old.

N/A POWAAAHH > Flat Six
03/24/2014 at 12:57

There's a guy on oppo with one too.

Flat Six > HammerheadFistpunch
03/24/2014 at 12:57

I don't disagree.

N/A POWAAAHH > SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O)
03/24/2014 at 12:59

Subarus are for hippies? Didn't know hippies liked straight piped, de-catted cars

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > N/A POWAAAHH
03/24/2014 at 13:59

I was think more of the Outback section of the Subaru brand. Ahaha

SmoresTM Has No Chill (O==[][]==O) > N/A POWAAAHH
03/24/2014 at 14:05

*Thinking. But, actually, I know a few former hippies that have gone from VW Bugs and Busses to Porsche 930 Turbos and Shelby Cobra kit cars (namely my dad), so who knows. Hippies are weird, man.

Truth is still truth > Textured Soy Protein
07/25/2019 at 08:05

Typically I wouldn’t respond. Just thought it was funny as I’m very impressed by the comparison since it fits me to a T. Well, except that I’m 5’6.

I just bought this exact same Hummer yesterday. LOL. Why? I’m 40 now. I grew up on the wrong side of life in Miami as a kid. I’m a professional entrepreneur now. I find myself missing the old me sometimes. I’m Going to “ bro” the hell out of this thing and just enjoy it for me. I’m still with the same (hot girl with makeup) now as I was in the 90s. Maybe we will just sit in our driveway listening to the big 12 inch subs I’m going to install and we can sing Tupac while sippen on Mad Dawg. Ps - I have no clue which speakers are popular anymore. Guess I’ll just do kickers (if they’re still around) .

One mistake in your article and I just know this because also fits me. Hahaha. Those Jeans are NOT CHEAP! Rocks are usually $150-$200 easily and never at Kohl’s I wish!

Funny thing about height is it usually is more important to taller people then short. A 6’2 will always stereotype what I have or what I’m doing because I’m 5’6 and it must be a short thing. I feel bad for them. It’s no coincidence that the shorter guys usually have a hot chick on their arm. Why is this? Because we got judged our entire life. Every move we did was because we were having Napoleon syndrome. Well you know what? He was pretty friggen awesome. So we have learned to overcome the “tall mans syndrome”.

I’m going to go strut my jeans hopping down out of my white H2 while my HAF wife takes care of my Hummer which is NOT parked at an apartment complex. Well, unless I’m picking up rent.