Confessions of a Car Lover

"JR1" (type35bugatti) 02/05/2014 at 12:53 • Filed to: Wagons, Confessions, Oppositelock, Jalopnik

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Forgive me Oppositelock for I have sinned.

Above is the pinnacle of Oppositelock dreams and aspirations. The E63 AMG Mercedes Benz Wagon. A 5.5L V8 engine that oozes out 577hp. This is the car that dreams are made of. Ferraris, Corvettes, Mustangs, Aston Martins, and even the beloved Miata all must relent to this great beast and her power. Yet, I still do not like the German battleship. Now before you get the pitchforks and guns to chase me off this wonderful website hear me out. I want to like the wagon. I really do but the E63 along with all other wagons seem redundant and rather pointless.

Here on Oppositelock we have rules. Rules that must be silently enforced to keep peace in this great community of ours. Yet I sit here before you today in my mediocre seat located in my cramped college dorm room and I ask you...why?! Why must, "All things be wagons!" Why must beautiful designs like the Stingray Corvette be morphed into the monstrousty that is the Stingray Shooting Brake?!

Such an aggressive design with a slopping rear end chopped off and turned into a wagon of all things. I beg of you! Explain to me the joy in this! I cannot wrap my head around the excitement of wagons.

I am a millennial and I grew up in a household with SUVS. The wagon to me always seemed to be a soccer moms car, much like a minivan. They were practical, utilitarian, and compromised. Wagons have neither the beautiful lines of a sedan or the rugged practicality of an SUV. Instead they represent a compromise of two different worlds.

Sure some wagons have rugged capabilities and have all wheel drive and that's great. Sedans have those same capabilities and they still manage to look better. Furthermore sedans still have the wonderful driving characteristics graced by the gods of engineering. I know wagons are rare in the American landscape and that makes them quirky, however are they not rare for a reason? The idea of the wagon seems to be dying off. Perhaps that means they are flawed in some way.

Take for example the 5 series GT. This horrendous beast is not a wagon per say. Never the less common buyers identify it as a wagon and it kills the segments reputation. To me wagons will always have the ethos of being a mom car. I would love for someone to change my mind. Wagons like the CTS-V seem to have so much charisma. A sedan CTS-V still tugs at my heart strings more though. The sedan seems more sporty, faster, and altogether more fun.

Same goes for Porsche Panamara. They are obviously fast and brilliant, but the shape. My God the shape! It makes me want to cut out my own eyes. Even the performance variant doesn't seem at all worthwhile. A Cayenne is taller so you have commanding view of the road. They are just as practical if not more. Finally the Cayenne had mind bending performance. After driving in one I thought to myself, "Physics must have taken the day off."

Are wagons loved because they are sleepers? They sit silently at a stop let and then suddenly you murder the jerk in the rice burner sitting next to you? That I can find the appeal in. But a sedan can do the same thing. A sedan can do it faster as well because they are lighter. It just seems in even category a wagon can be upstaged by some other form of car. Therefore Oppositelock as a confused, stupid, 19 year old kid enlighten me. Why are wagons the most Jalop of cars? Why must we lust after a segment of cars soccer moms drive on the weekend? Please I beg of you explain it to me.

Jarod Rose is a car loving freak. He occasionally like to write articles on Oppositelock and he is a sophomore in college in Ohio. And for the life of him, he cannot understand the wagon fetish everyone seems to be infected with!

Victorious Secret > JR1 02/05/2014 at 12:55

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Wagons are loved because...

Not sure.

There are only 3 wagons I want, none of which I could ever buy in America, one that I will never be able to afford.

Wagons are the answer to everything when Miata has already been used.

puddler > JR1 02/05/2014 at 12:56

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if i had a wagon i wouldn't need a truck. wagons also have hevier duty springs, shocks, and sometimes axles.

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > JR1 02/05/2014 at 12:57

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Some jalops like wagons, some like miata's, some like yugo's and some like crown vics. A Jalop wagon lover does not necessarily need to understand his jalop-friend that loves crown vics.

Casper > JR1 02/05/2014 at 12:59

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I have virtually no interest in wagons, especially Volvo wagons. I see them the same as I see pickup trucks or vans. Which is why I'm Jalop pariah.

To me they are a utility vehicle. My preference is the high performance side of things and fun, so I just never got the obsession. Sure, I would own one like I would own a pickup or van if I had the need, but I still don't get the general obsession.

JR1 > Victorious Secret 02/05/2014 at 12:59

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Why though are they the answer?

Naijaflavor, I Love Doritos > JR1 02/05/2014 at 12:59

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Me likey.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:00

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Car + more sleeper-ey image than a car + storage space + bro space + (classically) the same powertrains as cars and not hard to mob + long low lines + deliberate invoking of an "uncool" stereotype (the mom-mobile) + much better handling, even at its boatey worst than the typical SUV = wagon.

So there you go: roomey contrarian sleeper that evokes images of yesteryear and lends itself to a certain brand of hooning. Even when modifying a car that is very few of the above, the contrarian and extra room arguments still exist, to a point- hence "wagon ALL the things". Plus, some people like the look.

Brian Silvestro > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:00

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Just look at them

Forgetful > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:01

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I am a millennial and I grew up in a household with SUVS. The wagon to me always seemed to be a soccer moms car, much like a minivan.

Minivans became the new wagons. Then SUVs became the new Minivans. Then CUVs became the new SUV.

Wagons aren't saturated by soccer moms any more. Minivans and SUVs are. Wagons tend to retain a lot of the style of their sedan counterparts.

JR1 > Casper 02/05/2014 at 13:01

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Do not even get me started on Volvo wagons they are possibly the worst of all the wagons.

JR1 > Brian Silvestro 02/05/2014 at 13:03

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I see a missed opportunity to create a sedan/coupe with beautiful lines.

Victorious Secret > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:03

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They look sexy when done right, thats all I got for myself personally.

JR1 > Victorious Secret 02/05/2014 at 13:05

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Some yes, but the Volvo cult wagons I cannot find the joy in.

Brian Silvestro > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:06

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IT'S ALL SUBJECTIVE. This subject cannot be argued about. Sedans/coupes here:

Textured Soy Protein > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:07

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Why I like wagons more than SUVs (despite the fact that I have a Jeep Grand Cherokee to drive in Wisconsin winter):

1. Sleeper factor: there's something inherently ridiculous about a fast station wagon, and ridiculous cars are good. A sedan might be lighter but there are plenty of fast sedans. They're not ridiculous like fast wagons are.

2. Cargo space equivalent to a taller SUV or crossover without being taller. Which means better handling than SUVs and easier for non-SUV drivers to see over. I would gladly be lower to the ground than have a "commanding view of the road."

I have my Grand Cherokee because it gives me extra ground clearance to get through deep snow here in Wisconsin, and because I also have a BMW 135is to drive when it's not winter time.

If I had to have only one car to cover as many bases as possible, I would always choose a lower/lighter wagon or hatchback over a taller/heavier SUV or crossover.

For Sweden > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:07

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The wagon to me always seemed to be a soccer moms car, much like a minivan.

Where? Assuming you're a Damn Yankee, where did you see mothers driving their families around in wagons?

Also, wagon love isn't difficult to understand. Wagons drive exactly like cars, but have far more utility.

Victorious Secret > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:07

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Maybe those looked good for the time, and maybe their cheapness make them attractive now, but I have little desire to drive a large, rust coloured brick.

Tom McParland > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:08

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I am totally with you on the 5-GT and the Pamemera, I don't care for them at all. I can tell you my wagon love is personal. You see my wife is a wheelchair user so I need a vehicle that can hold her chair along with whatever other cargo and people easily. But I don't want to give up driving a performance car, so hot-rod wagons became my thing.

dogisbadob > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:08

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needs a hood ornament

langadamd > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:13

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I am trying to get my new-ish girlfriend to understand the allure of wagons. It's taking a bit but she is warming up to them!

ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:13

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I am a millennial and I grew up in a household with SUVS. The wagon to me always seemed to be a soccer moms car, much like a minivan. They were practical, utilitarian, and compromised. Wagons have neither the beautiful lines of a sedan or the rugged practicality of an SUV. Instead they represent a compromise of two different worlds.

I like wagons because most SUVs are not used for their supposed rugged practicality, if they even had any to begin with.

Why would one choose to drive a vehicle that is compromised in both handling and economy due to its increased height and weight when there exists alternatives that offer the same, or nearly the same cargo room, are better and more fun to drive, and get much better fuel economy?

Granted styling is a subject point, and people like different things. I do not mind an agressive, purpose-built SUV. If it is used for going off-road and needed to deal with heavy winter snow, then it has fulfilled its purpose. But driving one just becuase you can afford it, and will never actually do anything other than cart your precious Little Timmy around to the mall makes me angry. It's extremely wasteful, and like it nor not, we are running low on petroleum reserves.

KnowsAboutCars > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:16

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I think that wagons are loved here because Oppo loves anything obscure. Most of the Oppo community is from US and there aren't that many wagons on sale in US to my knowledge. That's my explanation anyways.

spanfucker retire bitch > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:18

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I'm not a huge fan of wagons myself, with very few exceptions (CTS-V Wagon, Ferrari FF shooting Brake) but I do love myself some hatchbacks.

As to why? I prefer the flow of the lines better. Especially in hatchbacks. CUVs ride too high for my liking, and many of the smaller sedans (Focus, Mazda3 are two good examples) just look like the roof chops off too abruptly. Where as in their hatchback variant, it looks more natural the way they taper all the down - usually to roof spoiler.

However, I too do not understand the passion for the manual, brown, diesel, station wagon. To me, that sounds like the worst car I could possibly own.

Saracen > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:19

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Because they have the utility of an SUV, along with the performance, handling, and mileage of a sport sedan.

Because they have sexy long rooflines.

Because they're awesome.

interrogator-chaplain > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:20

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The great thing I love about wagon's (and super-wagons like the E63) is that you get a car that can take you, your friends and your stuff on the road and you still get something that acts like a car. The '09 Santa Fe my folks drive is lumbering, I can't drive it like their Elantra. With the Elantra I feel confident, it handles well and I can move with agility (Well, as much as could be had with an Elantra.) but I have to slow down for corners, I travel below or at speed with the Santa Fe. With the Elantra I go at speed or faster.
With a wagon, you get all the solid capabilities of a car with the space of a van/SUV to match. And with a super-wagon you get all that plus 500 horsepower. (Sleeper factor is pretty great too.)
Not to say that sedans don't look good, (Some would look downright strange as a wagon. Beetle wagon? WEIRD!) but I honestly don't think that many sedan would look worse as a wagon.

Saracen > Brian Silvestro 02/05/2014 at 13:20

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and in every instance there, the wagon version looks better.

Oh and the CTS coupe just looks plain awful. Ugh.

Brian Silvestro > Saracen 02/05/2014 at 13:22

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THANK YOU

DeltawingGothamDeserves > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:28

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Wagons are Jalop because room. Lots of room.

NeedForSwede > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:40

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I spent most all of my early childhood in a beige Volvo 240, and so I love wagons. They compromise, yes, but it's a compromise between the space of a van with the size (about) of a sedan. They are practical, but are open to tuning and motorsport. They are representative, to me, of having the best of both worlds. Congratulations on having the guts to come out and say this, at any rate.

JR1 > Saracen 02/05/2014 at 13:46

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See I love the coupe body style CTS more than wagon. The lines are more attractive to me

Saracen > JR1 02/05/2014 at 13:49

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That ass is the most awkward thing I have ever seen on a modern car.

In person...it's dreadful to me.

Horkin' Up Dangle Hams > langadamd 02/05/2014 at 14:22

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I've been trying to indoctrinate my brother for years. Progress has been slow, but signs are good! He's a BMW tech, so once I showed him the e39 M5 wagons, he started to come around.

JR1 > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) 02/05/2014 at 14:26

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I have a problem with anyone that doesn't use their vehicle for the intended purpose not just SUV owners. Truck owners, sports car owners, etc. Anyone who simply buys for image misses the point entirely.

JR1 > ADabOfOppo; Gone Plaid (Instructables Can Be Confusable) 02/05/2014 at 14:27

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I have a problem with anyone that doesn't use their vehicle for the intended purpose not just SUV owners. Truck owners, sports car owners, etc. Anyone who simply buys for image misses the point entirely.

JR1 > interrogator-chaplain 02/05/2014 at 14:32

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I guess when it really comes down to it my biggest issue is the look and I'm not sure that's something I'll ever be able to overcome. But of course styling is subjective

JR1 > spanfucker retire bitch 02/05/2014 at 14:34

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I agree the manual diesels just seem horrible to me. How does that have anything to do with the love of cars? But yes hot hatches are great little alternatives

JR1 > Saracen 02/05/2014 at 14:37

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I think in person it looks better. The tailights harken back to the era of the tail fins and I love that!

JR1 > NeedForSwede 02/05/2014 at 14:39

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Surprisingly I am not getting death threats. I was worried I was going to have several by now!

JR1 > KnowsAboutCars 02/05/2014 at 14:41

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Yes but on that logic everyone should love this:

Yet I'm the only one that seems to like it! (I know I'm insane)

JR1 > For Sweden 02/05/2014 at 14:49

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I am a damn Yankee always have been and always will be. And take a stroll through American suburbia. Most wagons you find are driven by Moms. And that's not a bad thing but I find a lack of appeal for the car loving community.

JR1 > Saracen 02/05/2014 at 14:50

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I don't care for the overly long roof lines

For Sweden > JR1 02/05/2014 at 14:51

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I've been through American suburbia; there are no wagons.

JR1 > Tom McParland 02/05/2014 at 14:52

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That's a valid answer and I can respect that. I still don't get the purpose for like a corvette wagon though. But to each his own

JR1 > For Sweden 02/05/2014 at 14:54

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Come to Granville, Ohio

langadamd > Horkin' Up Dangle Hams 02/05/2014 at 15:28

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Nice! Hard to not love the e39 M5. I showed my gf a RS6 Avant, which she loved!

brakesnow > JR1 02/05/2014 at 15:54

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Yes, but have you seen the Panamera wagon?

If thats not 1000x better looking than the sedan, I'll be damned.

Also wagons=more room for activities (especially the ones that don't require you to even turn on the car)

JR1 > brakesnow 02/05/2014 at 16:35

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I will admit that does look better than the old Panamera. I do wish they would build is one

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > JR1 02/13/2014 at 12:00

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I think it has more to do with "If I could only have one car for EVERYTHING". Will it race track? Will it road trip? Will it baby? Will it commute to work? Will it move all my stuff? Will it look decent (subjective)? The answer to all of these questions really works best with a wagon. Especially a ridiculous wagon like the CTS-V or E63 AMG.

SeaOfAshes > JR1 02/13/2014 at 14:05

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Let's see:

Subaru wagons are driven by everyone, everywhere

Audi wagons are pretty much exclusively male owned because there's no hiding the inspiration behind that wagon

BMW wagons are also owned by both male and female equally

And Volvo wagons (the older ones, anyway) are also owned by everyone

I don't see any Cadillac wagons, but the Dodge Hemi ones are definitely male-dominated, and I can't really think of any other wagons that I see "often"

As for why: because it drives as well as the car, gives you perfect visibility all around, and when the time comes, you can stuff the shit out of it and move across the country in 3.5 days without spending more than $600 in gas (for a 10-year-old AWD car). And the rear of them almost always look better than the sedans because they don't give a designer the opportunity to fuck up (*cough* bangle-butt *cough*)

SeaOfAshes > KnowsAboutCars 02/13/2014 at 14:08

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Tell that to the entire state of Washington, and every other outdoors-type person on the West Coast (and their Outback)

MasterK350Z > JR1 02/13/2014 at 16:20

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You can track a wagon, haul people in it, and stuff ikea furniture in the back. It's all the fun of a sports sedan with most of the practicality of an SUV. It's an example of compromise done right.